This thread is very interesting because while my sister and I are not estranged now, it is very likely we will be very soon. We are having huge fights about the care of my elderly father in hospice. It is a LONG story and it probably started in 1975 when my dad left my mom under stressful situations. Now I have a preview of the stuff that might happen in the future. Hugs to all of you that are living through this.
I think this will also be coming into play in my family very soon. My sister and I are estranged. We haven’t had any relationship in a very long time and I haven’t seen her in a few years. I have no relationship with her three adult children either (neither does my adult daughter). I learned through my father that my niece is engaged. I am thinking I will not get a wedding invitation (if my mother was still alive she would have made her invite me). If I do, I probably will send a gift and not attend.
It’s sad to be estranged from family members. My half sister and I are not estranged at this moment, but I believe she has a personality disorder and is used to bullying her way through life. People around her walk around on eggshells, but I refuse to do so. Her life is littered with the bodies of destroyed relationships. She lives far away so I avoid most of it, but I feel like we are perhaps one serious conflict away from estrangement because I just do not play when she gets going. I believe toxicity within the family is something that can lead to justifiable disengagement, permanently in certain cases.
In this case, it seems as though the nephew does not want to be considered part of the estrangement, and that shows maturity on his part. I don’t know the dynamics here or the reasons for the emotional distance between sisters, but if the OP’s kids decided to make overtures towards their aunt (or vice versa), I would not see it as any kind of disloyalty. Not everyone has to abide by the conflicts of others if these disagreements aren’t relevant to the peripheral characters. JMO.
Again, general remarks made while acknowledging lack of potentially very pertinent details.
There is likely some family drama in every family. At DDs wedding, we were very careful with the dinner seating chart. Everyone was fine…and had fun.
At our wedding back in the Stone Age, I invited both my mom and did. Parents were divorced and my mother had not seen nor spoken to my dad in years. She threatened not to come if I invited my dad and family. Two choices…come and have fun…or stay home. She came…and everyone behaved nicely.
DH and I both had divorced parents. Mine - no problem, they had gotten along fine (in small doses) together with at Christmas etc. DH’s parents had been divorced 20 years, and there was another wife/kids with FIL in another state. I was a bit worried, but it turned out just fine.
Since the nephew has reached out and is near you, take him and his fiancee out for lunch or dinner. Why let an estrangement go on and on and infect more generations?
We have recently enjoyed getting to know some nieces and nephews better as young adults when they have moved nearby. Not that we were estranged, but more benign neglect as people lived far away. It is great for cousins to have each other in their lives, too, and sometimes it takes a little effort to maintain those connections.
In my extended family, there have been some estrangements. Weddings (that people have shown up for)
have actually worked out very well–some people were stressed ahead of time, but it felt like at least a small step at healing when people made the effort to just show up to support other family members on an important day. Everyone can be civil.
There is no need to anticipate any kind of extended conversation. Just be superficial and brief with anyone you are on awkward terms with and gush about the beauty of the ceremony.
But weddings that people have not shown up for have just deepened the estrangements. I feel like a wedding invitation is an olive branch, at least to some degree, and refusing it makes things worse.
If you really feel that you can’t go, write a nice note with the refusal sending all best wishes for the bride and groom, at least. Maybe your children can go and at least have the cousin generation connect with each other.
What’s our definition of estrangement? Lack of contact with acknowledged hostility?
And is lack of contact due to simple disinterest/lack of common interests/ etc just amiable neglect?
My brother and I are not estranged, but we’re not close. We’re very different, and just have nothing in common. But there was never a question that we’d be invited to his elder daughter’s wedding, and my daughter and his younger have gotten quite close as they live in the same city.
From the discussions so far, it sounds like most people consider “estrangement” to involve some sort of anger/hostility and a conscious decision to cut the other out of their lives. Benign neglect wouldn’t seem to warrant the kind of worry about attending a wedding that the OP has.
And I’m guessing that in lots of instances, it’s more the bride/groom or their parents that are potentially agonizing about whether or not they need to invite an “estranged” family member or one they have not kept close touch with. Needing to keep the invitation count manageable is very real for most couples. Weddings are not cheap! 
So it seems like a good sign that the family is looking to include the OP in the festivities. Hope it works out!
I have read all your comments. I like many suggestions, some won’t work as I didn’t get specific enough (so that’s understandable).
I spoke with H about it last night. We have been together since we were 18. He is the only person that has seen and lived through all my family drama from that time forward. (And knows the history before).
He said he thinks we should go. I asked him about contacting my nephew beforehand and he frowned and said ‘no’, saying that just leads to more drama. I mentioned that although I can’t stand my sister, I do feel it’s her right to not be uncomfortable with me there. He said it’s the bride’s day, her families day and it was nice of nephew to invite us and we need to just go.
But, so many things can happen in 7 months. I’ll keep you posted as it transpires.
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@conmama, I like the update! Your husband is a good person.
Thanks @deb922 . I have a great amount of respect for his decision making, but I don’t always agree. Sometimes he can be too “not involved” with things and I push. Ying and Yang.
I’m always the one to make the phone calls, he’s the one who would rather wait for them. But in this case, perhaps he has the more level clear head. I will definitely need him, I wouldn’t do it alone.
A weird bump.
But @conmama this was February of 2020. And we know what happened to the rest of 2020.
Would you like to give an update? I’m curious
Sure, they went ahead with the wedding last October despite covid. We chose not to attend. I sent a letter to my nephew explaining why and to let him know that was the ONLY reason. I gave him an update on everyone in the family. I think it was a genuine and heartfelt letter. I sent a nice gift. I never received a reply or thank you. Oh well.
According to my ex SIL who attended, no one was wearing masks, no social distancing.
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I guess COVID made your dilemma easier.
You did the right thing and with the pandemic, your absence was explained.
And kudos for sending a gift and a nice heartfelt note.
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I was going to put on my big girl panties and go because I knew it was the right thing to do. Yes, Covid got me out of having to see my sister, but I felt bad for my nephew nonetheless.
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That is sad that nephew couldn’t take a few minutes and acknowledge your letter and gift.
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Sad but also pretty rude.
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I’m shocked to not have gotten a Thank You for the gift. I did get a story acknowledgment from the registry that it had been sent.
When this happened once with me…I sent a nice note to the couple saying something like “please just let me know you received the dishes I sent to you from Name the Store. If not, I will contact the store.”
I got a thank you note almost immediately!
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