I will repeat what another poster wrote: Take all suggestions–good & bad–with caution. Use info as a starting point. For example: One school mentioned more than once in this thread has been known for a widespread presence & use of drugs–mostly pot. Is this a major concern for one, but not for another (as in teens experiment at almost all high schools) ?
OP: It might help if you shared what you mean by “toxic culture”.
Does your concept of “toxic” equal “stressful” ?
Excellent time management and drive do not mean you want to be in a hyper competitive environment, especially if it is an unkind environment. You want to learn as much as you can and be internally competitive, but don’t need the outside pressure. Every school fits different kids, I think it’s interesting though that it is assumed if you don’t want that environment you don’t have drive or time mgmt skills. Nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, you shouldn’t go to one of those schools, but it’s definitely not a negative. I was intense as a high schooler and now as an adult I think “why?” you can be wildly successful without sacrificing other things in your life.
Friendly schools (IMHO) are not just welcoming places, but should be healthy places for students and teachers. Here is what I wish I had known to ask - and had the “BS detector” on about BS:
Awesome list @Golfgr8 !
Are there really any unfriendly boarding schools in the northeast or anywhere else? If there were, they wouldn’t be in business long. I’ve been here 11 years and I’ve yet to see anyone post that any boarding school is inherently unfriendly or negative in any way, unless they’ve left a school due to unpleasant circumstances that may only pertain to them. Many people post about single visits that didn’t rub them the right way, but I’ve never heard of any school that is intrinsically unfriendly or toxic in any way. All boarding schools are “friendly” and nurturing to those who perceive them that way and vice versa. Every single boarding school discussed here is awesome and perfect for the right applicant.
What you really need to ask is which schools align with your particular personality and values and do your research/visits accordingly. The opinions you receive here or on any forum are only a start, no more than that.
Whilw I almost always agree whole-heartedly with @ChoatieMom , we part ways on this one. While no school sets out to be unfriendly, some, tbh, can prove really challenging on the social front if you are too far outside what “fits”. Fit may be in a narrower band at some. I know quite a few kids who have transferred for this reason. Sure, the majority of kids at every school stay and most leave with fond memories but they are not all equally friendly.
At the same time, most AOs try to admit kids whom they think will do well, including socially, so try to admit kids whom they think will be able to find their way at their school. This is one of the reasons that everyone here talks about trusting the admissions process and how it’s not about being good enough but about being a good fit.
There are many current and former minority students of some well known boarding schools (including Choate and DA) who have posted on social media sites about discrimination they have experienced. Check out the posts. For some students, “unfriendly” schools vs “friendly” schools may be perceived as acceptance, inclusion, awareness, affirmation, respect, etc. What BS’s proclaim in the DEI statements and in their marketing materials, even during Revisit, might be very different than social experience on campus for students.
P.S. DM me if you want links to the social media sites.
I saw your post as I was looking to create a list of prospective schools for my child with ADHD. Kid is struggling with executive functioning but gets good grades and is social. Can you talk more about Millbrook and what you liked about it? Also, if your Hotchkiss child did have an ADHD diagnosis before entering, do you think the school could have provided more supports to make the experience better?
Hi @momofpearl!
First, no, if my oldest son had an ADHD diagnosis before entering Hotchkiss I do not think it would have made a bit of difference. Hotchkiss and other very demanding schools just are not set up to deal with kids that have learning issues, full stop. There is tutoring, and minimal help, but the pace is so fast and the level of all the other students so high that there is little room for error. Once you get behind, it’s really difficult to make up lost ground. I think it would be a huge mistake for an ADHD kid – no matter how bright – to go to a school like Hotchkiss.
I have written many times about how the one trait that correlates with success at a school like Hotchkiss is Good Time Management and that is exactly what someone who doesn’t have good executive function skills struggles with. Plus, teachers aren’t used to dealing with ADHD kids, and have little patience for the disorganization and forgetfulness these kids can have. My oldest found it was all he could do to manage classes and the required sports, plus one not terribly active club. He just did not have the bandwidth to participate in the many other opportunities Hotchkiss has (e.g. debate, a singing group etc etc). A school like Hotchkiss can crush a bright ADHD kid.
I saw not only my oldest son have huge difficulties, but more recently my youngest son’s roommate. To put it in perspective, my oldest son wasn’t diagnosed before Hotchkiss because he was able to handle the academics before Hotchkiss, and then he did very well in college and went on to get a job at an elite employer – my point is, if he hadn’t gone to Hotchkiss I would guess he would have been just fine, and might never have been diagnosed b/c his ADHD was “mild”. That said, that same son credits Hotchkiss for his drive and ambition, and wouldn’t have wanted to go anywhere else. Both my oldest son and my youngest son’s roommate had to repeat a year at Hotchkiss, which is tough.
OK, now to Millbrook. I found the teachers there to be understanding of learning differences – they didn’t get mad at my son when he messed up. They had someone in the tutoring office who specialized in executive function tutoring, which is totally different from academic tutoring. They were able to guide him over the four years so that entering, he had very low confidence and needed a lot of support (tutoring 3x a week). By the time he graduated he did not need any tutoring, and had gained a huge amount of confidence and self esteem. They really saw him for who he was. Many other schools wouldn’t have. He was/is super bright, and tests really well – as the Millbrook admissions person told us when he applied, his profile was that of a Hotchkiss student. So, just because a school isn’t in the HADES ranks doesn’t mean it can’t provide an excellent education to a very bright kid.
The college outcomes were markedly different. My oldest only got into his safety schools whereas my ADHD kid got into two of his reach schools (and all safety/target schools) and is now at a T20 university where he’s getting good grades. Millbrook really set him up for success. And while Hotchkiss also set my oldest up for success, my oldest only had the mildest of ADHD symptoms and also rose to the occasion, and I"m not sure all kids would. I think some kids might give up/think they were stupid etc.
This is the crux. I mentioned something similar to @MomofPearl in a different thread. The HADES schools of course have academic skills centers for tutoring as you mention, and even lessons in time management. But, you have to seek those resources out. Not much handholding to walk you in otherwise.
There is a pinned post of schools with academic support that to might want to check out.
Exactly. No hand holding. These HADES-type schools are used to kids who can hit the ground running and go 100 mph all the time. A kid with learning differences is out of step with 99% of the other students and the teachers/administrators just aren’t used to dealing with them (which also means they don’t know what these kids need or how to help them).
Good insights above. Here some additional suggestions with some Do’s & Don’ts:
Examine your expectations for your student’s experience and academic success.
Explore the academic demands of the school.
Talk to parents and current students about the overall “vibe” of the school - is it competitive? When does it start getting more competitive?
For example, there are significantly different “vibes” and cultures at each of the HADES school. If you choose the wrong HADES it will feel like Hades 
Do your homework on accommodations for your ADD/ADHD student in advance. Each school has an office of student affairs and some schools have one key person in charge of accommodations.
Do speak to the health center coordinator about the school’s policy on medications - if your kiddo takes medications. You will want to know if your kiddo has to go to the nurse each morning.
Do get information about each school’s supports - they differ. Also get information about tutoring policies, if you believe your student will need tutoring. One of the programs we liked at Taft was the teachers they had on duty in the library during the evenings (not sure if that is still available). Some schools offer little support or only if you request it.
Do explore HOW students are expected to study during evening hours. At our school Freshman have structured study hours between @ 7:35 to 9:45 - in their rooms with the door open. Then they have a “feed” or meeting before bed a few nights per week (this depends on your dorm and their are more feeds during Freshman year). Then lights out at 10:30. That may not be a good schedule for some kids - especially if your kid is a night owl. There are some schools that offer dedicated study hall areas in the library for students with accommodations - so check with each school on this.
If your kid has the issues you described above, Do NOT depend solely on peer tutoring. Instead, you should speak to the appropriate person in the academic affairs or student affairs office about getting a teacher or approved tutor.
Do consider what will be the best environment for your child to feel confident and successful. Tee your kid up for success. Don’t focus on “the name” or presumed prestige of a school, but more on the right fit.
Tiny point, but I expect all boarding schools require meds be held in the Health Center for liability reasons. Kids with stimulant meds are under a fair amount of pressure to give/sell them to classmates who want them to help with studying. This, theoretically, removes that pressure on the ADHD kid.
While meds are held in the health center, some schools require you to go to the health center each morning and some have a nurse available for passing meds in the dining hall at breakfast.
I think we are saying the same thing – if meds are in the health center, then yes, the student must go to the Health Center every morning to get their dose. The point is, the school does not want any pills in the students’ rooms.
At Hill, students can self administer medicine in their dorms except for psychotropic medicine such as medication for ADHD.
Best insight. I’ve known super smart kids w
ADHD who got into HADES schools and were crushed not just academically, but emotionally and had to leave and in a couple of cases it triggered a serious mental health issue that continued past HS.
We pulled my very intelligent son with ADHD out of a “friendly” boarding school this year and moved him to a school with much more learning support. I would make sure you are happy with the type/level of learning support provided if your child needs it.
Berwick Academy is almost never mentioned on here (likely because it’s primarily a day school). My son is a first year sophomore 5 day boarding student. He runs cross country, is a self-employed DJ and creates electronic music. He applied to, and was waitlisted at Andover, Middlesex and Groton. We are so happy that he ended up at Berwick. They only offer boarding for boys (5 or 7 day) at this time and I would venture to guess, it’s a very different boarding situation than the other schools that are discussed here. It’s a small school (about 300+/- in the Upper School), very welcoming, strong academics, lots of clubs and an Innovation Center. You could take a look at the college matriculation list. We are very happy so far.