My family (parents, brother, and sister) is extremely close, yet none of us live within 1000 miles of each other.
We all had different ideas of where we wanted to live, where our romantic life, education, careers, and interests would take us.
I would love for us all to live within a short drive. I would even love to live next door to my parents, but it didn’t work out that way.
I think it’s “whatever happens, happens” for some, while others intentionally choose to stay near family.
My oldest went to school about 9 hours or so from our home. After graduation, she stayed there for a year before moving to Chicago. She didn’t know a soul in Chicago, and she could have lived anywhere near an airport for her job. She just wanted to be in Chicago. Five years later, she was engaged to a young man who coincidentally is from our area. All of their friends were moving to the suburbs, so they chose to move back to our area when they were ready to buy a house. They are very happy with that choice, since they have since had a child & the grandmas do childcare for now.
S went across the state to school for a year, but he moved home & transferred to a school nearby. He moved out eventually but lived near us until this past January. His job is about 1.25 hours away, so he moved out there. He’s very happy with the location.
My H has lived in this area since his parents moved here when he was in high school. They moved 13.5 hours away when he was in college. His S was already living about 2 or 3 hours from where they moved. We have no interest in moving where his mom & sister live.
My family has lived for the most part in the area, but my parents moved south after they retired. It was really, really hard when they were sick … my brothers & I did a lot of trips south, and it wasn’t easy due to kid-obligations. Two of my 4 brothers lived out west for a few years, and one of them passed away while there. Getting everything wrapped up was tough due to the distance & my surviving brother’s depression. After that, my remaining three brothers & I lived within 15 minutes of each other. When one of my brothers had a stroke, it was really nice that we were all so near each other. We all pitched in to help him before he passed away.
I wouldn’t expect my kids to stay near me, but it’s a bonus. H & I don’t want to move away from them. If they move, we may rethink, but we’re staying put where we are for now.
D (already at college) and S (a mere 10th grader) were chatting about this the other day. I think both of them prefer to settle one day “nearby but not too close.” So, a two-hour drive or train ride is fine, but living in the same town or neighborhood is big no-no.
Because DH and I moved out of state on our honeymoon (jobs) and never returned to live in either of our home states or near either family, we never had any proximity expectations of our only child whom we allowed to go to boarding school across the country at 14. Except for school breaks, he never came home again to live. We miss him like crazy at times, but we’d never make him feel guilty about living the life he loves wherever that takes him. Also, we have no expectation that he will take care of us in any way as we age. Planning for that was/is all on us; he has his own life to live and future family to provide for.
We have never lived near any of DH’s family (they are all over the country, none in our state), but my mom and dad (divorced) both moved to our current state in recents years for the weather and cost of living, not necessarily to be near us. When each contemplated moving here, I was very clear that they should not move just to be near us as we could not guarantee that we won’t ever move again. Each was fine with that. My dad lives an hour and a half away, my mother three miles. I don’t see either of them often as they are very active with their communities and friend groups. When we bought the cabin in Maine earlier this year, I let them know that we would be gone 4-6 months each year, but they are welcome to visit anytime. Again, they were fine with that.
I guess neither of our families ever had expectations about living near family members, and we’ve all been very mobile. That doesn’t mean we don’t miss each other or look forward to being together, but there is no guilt or condemnation of anyone’s choices.
Job opportunities.
One of our kids went to college about 150 miles away. That kid now lives 2500 miles away.
Second kid went to college 3000 miles way. That kid now lives about 35 miles away.
Both are where they are because that is where their job opportunities or connections are.
In my family, there are four sisters. I am the only one who doesn’t live within 20 minutes of where we grew up.
DHs family is all over the globe from here to Australia with siblings on both U.S. coasts…one sibling lives about 15 minutes from the grandparent but that is because the grand moved there at age 77.
Definitely jobs for sure.
I think some of it is also regional/cultural. It seems like a lot of families in the NE stick together. I’m from the South (NC) and I know very few people who grew up with grandparents down the street or around the block. Most people’s grandparents in my hometown did not live in the same town or if they did they had moved to be with the family. I am from a pretty middle class background, as is my husband. My mom left the farm at 16 and went to Atlanta for college. My dad was in the navy in the war and they met in Virginia after she graduated and was working in the medical field. My husband’s parents left their towns/families and moved to the big city.
I think the expectation for my cohort growing up was that you went to college and moved away. There were some kids who came back after college or who transferred to the college close to home, but it seemed like most moved on out.
I have 6 sibs. Of us kids, all but 1 went away from HI for grad/professional school. Two even bought homes where they were starting their careers. Somehow, we all ended up moving back to HI and have all lived on the same island we were born in.
We all had varying opportunities to stay where we went to school but when paradise beckons I guess it’s hard to resist.
My older sister had all 3 of her D’s choose to settle on Oahu as well. My
Kids are the next oldest and I currently have one in DC and the other in CA—not sure where they will ultimately settle (they’re early 30s). My other sibs kids are also figuring out where they want to settle so we shall see.
My kids are torn. Traveling is much cheaper and easier if you don’t have a huge ocean to contend with. They are close to us and their cousins, but more job options where they are than here. Sadly our housing prices are crazy expensive and salaries aren’t great.
I grew up in a small town in the midwest. Things started going downhill in the 1970’s (when my siblings and I were in HS) with many long time factories moving from the area. My parents told us to go to college and move away. (ironically about that time my Dad started a successful business and did very well staying there).
One sibling stayed close to the area but the rest of us left. H grew up in that area but after graduating from a military academy he had to move around while he served. We ended up in DC area and never left. It was a great place to be for jobs and quality of life. Our 2 kids chose colleges far away and the oldest is now settled in another city. The younger is starting grad school on the West coast so who knows where he will end up.
H’s siblings went to college but returned to their home area and their own kids live there too. I don’t think it occurs to them to leave.
I’ve lived in a bunch of states over the years in the Northeast, Southeast, Mid Atlantic and the Midwest. In our experience, the Midwesterners were most likely to have their families in the area.
First Generation American here. If you grow up among refugees/immigrants etc. it is quite normal not to live near family. Many of my friends growing up had no living relatives (thank you, Adolf Hitler) so I was somewhat exotic since I had a large family (although many of the previous generation were dispersed around the world- they had mostly found each other by the late 50’s/ early 1960’s even without the internet).
I do think its cultural- I am thankful beyond words for my family. I would never expect someone to live where they were born, and certainly would not (and did not) set expectations for my kids. I have friends and colleagues now who cannot believe how close I am to my family, especially with cousins (first, second and now third) who act more like siblings. Most of us don’t live near each other but pre-Covid we made enormous efforts to be with each other for family milestones.
I work hard at my friendships and I work hard at being a good family member. It’s certainly easier when you can drop by, but I was very close to grandparents growing up who lived thousands of miles away, when international phone calls were expensive and plane tickets were a fortune. It can be done and is worth the effort.
I agree that it’s about jobs, but whereas I grew up in an impoverished town and always knew I’d never come back after college, I’m expecting my kids to leave because it’s too expensive in Silicon Valley to have a good quality of life. Fairly average houses cost $2M-$3M and many people we know expect to move away in retirement so they can cash in their house.
As to distance, I live on a different continent from my parents and sibling, so I could hardly complain however far away the kids go. Hopefully it’s a place we like to visit.
My parents lived away from theirs for jobs. Growing up we lived close to where they went to college.
I grew up traveling and wanted to get away because my parents had a messy divorce and put us kids in the middle. A 7th grade guidance counselor told me to do well in school so I could get out of the situation. He changed my life with that advice. Without it, and the “goal,” I shudder to think what could have happened. It was not a good time in my life at all otherwise. My sibling stayed in state, sometimes super close (living with a parent) and other times a few hours away. Her life is dismal TBH.
We raised our kids to think of the world as their home, not any particular state or country (aside from needing a passport). So far two live near where they went to college. One is 6 hours away, the other 8. Youngest lives with us solely due to the pandemic (we have far more room than their apartment did), but he and his wife are potentially moving to Puerto Rico in a few months.
We’ve mused about retirement. One thought is to live in medical lad’s basement due to cost of college and his being able to take care of us medically. We get to pick the house… The other is to get an RV and park it in one of their driveways staying until they give us enough money to get to a brother’s house. 
Honestly though, I don’t care where they settle. H and I picked our area of the planet. They can pick theirs.
I live in the same town as my Dad, although it isn’t where I grew up (close). After college (4 hours away from home) I moved to Boston where I lived for 12 years (about 1/2 hour from my parents). Moved to NYC, got married and had a baby - thought we were in NY Metro area for good, but husband got sick of working in the city (we lived through 9/11 and the blackout) and we ended up moving back to MA. Originally not looking in the town where we live but it ended up being where we found a house we liked. In the end, it has been good even if it wasn’t what I originally intended. My kids are close with their grandparents (well, grandparent, now that my mom has passed) in a way you can’t be if you see each other a few times a year. I don’t expect my kids to stay here unless they want - especially since we may move south ourselves at some point.
Post-secondary education, jobs, spousal relationship and settling down to have kids are the four major driving factors that I can think of off the top of my head. I’ve lived in two different countries and seven different cities; the first three reasons on the aforementioned list are why. With three out of four grandparents long passed on, the fourth option (being near grandparents) sadly never was a factor - reason number two mostly impacted reason number four.
I have an only. I fully expect she will move nearby when she finally settles down, though she’ll probably move to the city (I prefer the suburbs), which is only 30-45 minutes away. She doesn’t like being far from home for long periods of time and can’t imagine settling down hours away from our small family.
I was an Army brat, so we were the “away” family growing up. Didn’t see my midwestern relatives very often. H grew up in the Bronx, but his brother and dad are now in North Jersey, so that’s a four hour trip. My family is 600 miles away in two directions. I had ZERO desire to stay where my parents lived. Was not a good cultural or career fit for me. H went to college in PA and I moved up there when we married, then seven years later, moved to the DC area.
S1 is on the west coast, 3000 miles away, and though he talked about transferring back east a few years ago, he since has bought a house. That’s where his kind of work is, anyway, and we knew that he was likely headed that direction early on. S2’s best career opportunities are best pursued here in the DC area or overseas. He’s been living 5000 miles away for the last 3.5 years. S2 desperately misses his sports teams, so I expect at some point he will indeed return. 
Do I feel abandoned? Nope. Do I miss them? Absolutely. At least they live in places which are interesting for us to visit!
My kids attending a high school where it was the norm to go away for college. We’re on one coast and they all chose schools on the opposite coast. They’re still there (not in their college towns but all in east coast cities). One will be moving to the EU for a 2 year assignment with her company next month. While they’ve all indicated a desire to move back to our area, it’s really expensive and it will depend upon jobs, partners, etc. The one D with the long term bf is from a nearby town and they feel as confident as they can that they’ll be back. We’ll see about the others.
Dh and I live 300 miles from our parents. We did just buy a home about an hour away from them, in part to be closer as they age. My kids didn’t really get to develop close relationships with our parents and it’s really important to me that, should be have grandkids, we get to be much more involved in their lives. So, we’ll see what happens with our kids and where they settle. We wouldn’t buy a third place but I could see visiting a lot and we’re making sure that both our homes are/will be very comfortable for them to visit.
My husband got a job offer in the Midwest 33 years ago when we were living in Boston. We couldn’t afford to buy a house in Boston but could afford quite a nice house in the Midwestern city. So we moved 1500 miles away from both our families of origin and we’ve been here ever since. My kids don’t seem interested in leaving; one of them recently bought a house about a mile away from us. I’m not going to argue.
My H was born and raised in Honolulu, as I was. I went away for undergrad & law school. While away, my sister had a baby and I realized we would only see the baby rarely if she stayed in IL and I stayed in CA and my extended family stayed in HI.
Deviously, dad always got me HI summer jobs that paid more and were more attractive than anything I could wrangle. I went home every summer, including the summer after my 2nd year of law school. I had a fabulous time as an intern and we did great with the case I helped with. I was offered a permanent position at the premier firm I loved — none of the firms I interviewed with came close. I moved home and was able to get a convenient apartment at a great price.
My sibs either planned to return to HI or married people who wanted to live in HI.
We did an expat assignment when our ds was 2 years old. I’m sure it wasn’t something that sat well with dh’s parents at the time, but it was only temporary.
Our ds has been the opposite in that he moved away from a less expensive to a more expensive place to live.
I agree that it is hard to know how I will feel if and when ds ever marries and if he and his wife ever have any children. Whether or not we would ever acquire a second place would depend on where they lived and how, “settled,” they seemed to be.