I was talking to my sil the other day. Her daughter may or may not be moving around two and a half hours away from her in the future. Sil was lamenting how, “far” it was and how, “sad” she would be if niece did that. And, then acknowledged that she doesn’t even see her all that often now even though they only live fifteen minutes away from each other.
I mentioned this to dh, and he pointed out that he is the, “black sheep,” in his family about this. All of his mother’s six siblings’ adult children (and many of their grandchildren) live within 30 minutes of the same town as their parents/family of origin. Most IN in the same town. Some of these are hometowns for them, but some are not.
Is living near parents as an adult a function of being from a more rural state? Is it guilt? Is it custom within a family? (We are all Wonder Bread white if that makes a difference). Is it educational levels? Even when we lived three and a half hours away in the same state as dh’s parents we were considered to be, “far” and folks in dh’s mom’s family always made a big deal about the distance we had to come to see his parents or attend family gatherings mil hosted.
I would like for my ds to live closer, but we moved away from his state of origin right before he graduated from college and in the opposite direction from where we knew he would be living. We are now 2,500 miles apart from each other on opposite coasts. I still feel, “close,” to ds even though he isn’t physically nearby. My sil’s reaction to her daughter’s possible move was surprising to me - as though her moving away was something she would be, “doing” to her. Almost like a betrayal?? That might be too harsh of a word.
Do you live near your parents (if they are living)? Do your adult children live near you? Do you expect they will in the future? I have no anticipation of ever living in CA where ds currently is until I am decrepit and have to be tended to. That assumes he will remain there, of course. I have told him to move us to wherever he is living at the time to stick us in a home near him so he can keep an eye on our caretakers. If he ever returned to his home state, we would probably get a second place there as we do still have many friends and some family there, but I wouldn’t just get a place anywhere that ds lived just to to live near him. And, even if we had stayed in our home state, we had no expectation that he would return. It doesn’t hurt my feelings that he has chosen to establish himself elsewhere.
Just curious as to thoughts. I imagine the answers will vary widely.
We have had to move around a lot for H’s work. Both my brother and I moved very far away from our parents. My parents’ moved closer to us for a period when D turned 4. Most of their friends had moved to FL and out of their high cost of living area so they summered near us, and went to FL for the winter.
I fully expect that our D will not live nearby after she graduates as she’s on a similar career trajectory as her dad. She’ll move around a lot and I don’t see us picking up and moving to be near her unless maybe we have grandchildren some day and she lives in a fun area.
I actually have very few friends who live anywhere near their parents so it seems like the norm in my circle.
When I saw the title of this thread, I was just going to answer, “Jobs.” And I do think that, in the main, that’s the reason.
I live only an hour away from where I grew up, but my parents moved away from me. They moved close to my sister and for much better weather, in SoCal.
Both of my children live far away from me. Older son lives near his in-laws, and that’s why they moved there. Younger son took a job in a far away city nine years ago and is still there for probably one more year. I’ve got my fingers crossed that he and his wife move closer to me and DH, but at the end of the day it will depend on the job.
I think the distance they go to college determine how flexible they will be in the future moving around the country for jobs. Both my DH and I live near our parents. Our son who attended local school settled 20 minutes away from us. DD who attended school on the opposite coast returned to our state after graduation but settled in another large city one hour flight away. Our DIL loves the city DD settled and where DIL grew up but my son insisted that they will be living in the same city we are and they agreed on this before marriage.
I remember hearing some time ago that a study showed hat the distance that adults live from their parents is in reverse order of birth - the oldest live the furthest, and the youngest live the closest. I’ll look it up.
I think it’s where they go to college and get internships/jobs. My husband and I went to college around an hour away from home, we stayed. My sister was 6 hours and then 12 hours for her MBA, she was gone. Our oldest went 45 minutes away, she’s still 45 minutes away, our 2nd 1 1/2 hour away, he would’ve stayed but has been remote since covid. Our third is 2 hours away for undergraduate, but will be 5 minutes - 4 hours away for grad school. The next 2 are 45 minute away and 12 hours, the farther one insists she wants to come back, but who knows.
My husband and I as well as most everyone we’re related to lives in the Chicago area. One of my kids went to school out east, interned out there and couldn’t wait to get back. Another started his career in NYC and was thrilled to move back. Only one of our kids lives elsewhere- west coast, for work and really likes it there. My kids like their people- their lifelong network of friends and family. We’ve traveled a lot, studied abroad, etc. but this is where they want to be. They all have great careers so jobs are not a problem.
I’m very happy they have chosen, for now, to be here. Spending time with my adult children is fabulous.
My parents were the “black sheep” of their family. But, they moved to New York City and I think everyone understood at the time that it was a life changing opportunity they couldn’t turn down. Also, my grandparents lived vigorous lives to the very end; none of this senior care stuff was on anyone’s radar - not even their’s.
I think probably the biggest factor is money. Families with more disposable income probably travel more, exposing the kids to what other places look like and making them seem accessible. Also, more money will impact the college choice and whether it is out of state or across the country, or possible at all. It takes money to move, and many families might live together here and there for financial reasons at times, too. Or childcare that is provided by family members, for financial reasons.
Other factors would be the family culture or closeness, like your SIL’s feelings that it is sad that her daughter is moving away. Jobs (family business?) Family dynamics such as elders or others who need assistance. A comfort or enjoyment of travel and exploring new places.
I could not wait to graduate high school in order to leave my home state to go to college. You couldn’t pay met to live where I was raised. Currently my sister and I live in the same state a couple hours away from each other and our aging parents refuse to to move here despite constantly missing us and their grandkids. They have to means to do so, but do not want to give up the life they have. They visit us every 3 months month instead. They have told us they will hire care takers since my sister and I will not be able to look after them. My dad did tell my dh on their last visit that they may consider moving to our state in a few years which really hope happens. My sister and I just don’t understand why they would want to be cared for by strangers as opposed to us, but life is about choices, just like the choice I made to leave where they raised me. I’ve told my daughter who is now a freshman in college to live wherever she wants, I do not expert her or my other kids to stay close to home if they don’t want to.
My oldest child in college who is 2,500 miles away on the east coast, gave us some comfort when she said that she wanted to move back to LA upon graduation. Maybe she does like us?
My parents moved for my dad’s job. I chose my grad school because, as the oldest, I felt an obligation to be near my parents (at that time, 4 hours away). As we all became adults, I was always the closest in distance to my parents, but stayed in my area due to my job and marriage. We moved an hour closer to be on a train line and make traveling to my parents’ easier.
My D is 6 hrs away, but wishes she lived closer. She stayed in her college town. My S is across the country, first for a job, then for grad school. He will go wherever a job is. My youngest is likely to stay closer to home, judging from his current job and personality.
I do NOT want my kids to live near me out of obligation. I feel like I spent most of my life staying in a certain place out of guilt/obligation, and if I think about it too much, it makes me really sad. I want them to be adventurous and feel free to try out different areas of the country (or world, if they want). I currently have responsibilities that would keep me from moving nearer to any of them (caregiving for mom here, MIL and BIL nearby needing our help, ill sibling nearby, etc.), but I’d be open to that in the future.
I ultimately think my kids will go where the jobs are, even though we are all close, and would like to see each often.
I forgot to add that my MIL was devastated when we moved from our big city (and near her) to a suburb, putting us an hour away from her. She said we might as well have moved to my hometown (the one 4 hours away). She gave constant digs over our whole lives about us moving “away”. Her relatives all lived within blocks of each other growing up and as young adults, but they all moved and spread out a bit, but within 30 minutes of her.
I was a “brat,” so we moved a lot and eventually settled in the NE; my extended family was scattered everywhere. My brother was military and settled in the St. Louis after he got out. DH and his sister were the first ones in their family to leave the area; after I sold my business we became a relo fam and moved frequently, 6 times in 15 years. Very few from our hometown leave; their kids and now grandkids go to the same HS. I found it odd, but DHs extended fam is the same way. We get guilt from MIL; we’ve always told her she could move with us, but she doesn’t want to leave her house and friends. My parents just sold their house and moved down with us because we don’t have any family in the NE. We moved near D20’s college, but this is where we wanted to retire. D20 likes the SE better than “home” because it’s warmer and the people are friendlier. She wanted to stay within a 4 hour radius of Charlotte for college, so I’m guessing she’ll stay in the region near Charlotte, Raleigh or Atlanta where there are plenty of jobs. If she decides to move further away, that’s ok too. We know what the relo life is like. Moving was never that big of a deal for me, and D20 is pretty used to it. I guess time will tell if she wants to stay in the region. We can always lure her back on the weekends with a beautiful lake and football tickets
me too; great minds think alike