Has anyone heard of kids moving to where they live due to politics? We see it on CC when students want a liberal or conservative college, but I’m not sure how new of a trend that is. When we were on our train trip we were talking with a couple over dinner that was gushing (positively) about their adult child and spouse who were moving from blue to red (over 1000 miles away from home) because of it, and were talking about possibly joining them at some point.
Living near Gettysburg, that raised red flags for both H and I as we’re not fond of the polarized nation as it is. I’ve wondered if it’s a new trend, but have no idea. This seems to be a thread I can ask it on to see what others have seen/experienced, and honestly, it doesn’t matter which “direction” the kids are moving (blue/red or red/blue). I’m just curious to know if a significant number are doing it or if we found the odd one in the lot.
In my history I’ve seen people choose where to live based upon local politics (or taxes or similar) - many move to my area because our taxes are lower than nearby, both in state and out, but it’s never been red/blue nationally with that as the outspoken reason.
@abasket - I didn’t mean for it to be a loaded question. I guess I should have asked it in a different way. The driving/determining factors will definitely vary by family.
I agree 100% that one doesn’t have to be geographically close in order to be emotionally close.
I’ve had some comments through the years - “Well, it’s your fault he doesn’t live close by. You let him go to college in California.” Sort of a, “what did you expect,” kind of judgy-ness. And, we did expect him to stay in California, but I don’t see it as a, “fault.”
Just like distance doesn’t mean that our ds doesn’t like us, nearness doesn’t mean co-dependency either. I think we can tend to those sorts of stereotypes if we aren’t careful. However, I think that, like so many things in life, this is an area with lots of comparison and judgment. If you say my ds left because he doesn’t like me, it is going to be really hard for me not to retaliate with, “Yours is a mama’s boy.” I don’t because no one says out loud to my face that my ds doesn’t like me - lol. But I sometimes sensed a, “superiority,” from friends whose kids have remained geographically close. Kinda comes through as pity for me sometimes, and it’s slightly annoying.
Our ds is currently working for a company that only operates in large metropolitan areas. There are certainly plenty of opportunities in his home state but no large cities, and he likes living in an urban area. He did not grow up with that. He is very adventurous and loves to travel.
Among his high school peers it has definitely been the case that those who stayed in-state for the flagship (or other smaller state or private schools) have tended to remain in the area. Those who attended college out of state have tended to remain away from their hometown. Some near their colleges, some not. But, I can only think of a single friend who went far for college who has returned to his home area for employment. I can think of two who went to the state flagship that are now pursuing PhDs at other OOS institutions. So, the college location has definitely been a factor for his peer group.
A side comment (perhaps should be a separate post topic) is although I love my kids beyond belief (as we all do), I’m ecstatic they live where they live because they’re following their dreams. Although it would be great to be able to see them frequently, I find true joy in knowing they are doing what they want and love where they live.
My wife and I are quite excited to start visiting each several times per yr in their new home environments. I imagine they’ll come back to FL occasionally, but truth be told, I’d rather go see them. Lots of mini vacations are in my immediate future. We normally do the big Thanksgiving feast here with several families, fry turkeys, etc. This yr I think we’ll be heading up to NYC to
experience Thanksgiving in the city, Macy’s Day Parade (which can be seen from D’s building), holiday lights, etc.
We fully anticipated our kids leaving the area and not coming back. Lot of our friends think we’re crazy but it’s not like we don’t get to facetime and text whenever we want so it’s not a big hardship.
We are glad our kids are happy where they have friends and their niche. I’m glad they’re also happy to have prolonged visits with us. Time will tell where they ultimately settle. So far, neither has purchased any residence, so I think they’re not quite sure where they want to “end up.”
I do think both prefer cities to smaller, more rustic settings, tho both like to visit rustic places.
We did warn them that if they settle far from us and have GKids, we are likely to do long term rentals wherever they decide to settle. We want them to live their lives and are glad they are doing so.
What I have observed over years of working with families in a hospital setting is that at least in the Midwest, it is socioeconomic. When I walk into a room and in the course of caretaking ask where an elderly person’s family lives, and they state NY, California or another major city, my thoughts that those offspring probably have advanced or professional degrees tend to be validated. When they state that all 6 are less than an hour away with one outlier 3 hours away and sorely missed, though they might have undergrad degrees, I know that the family world view might be a bit more centered on the local area.
Frankly, the greater distances are a sad fact as health declines in the very old. Knowledge of caretaking is also more deficient when you are not local to understand how needs change toward end of life. This is my professional life speaking.
My personal life is all about the distance and family members pursuing dreams. My dad and most of his graduating class from Glasgow ended up in Canada due to lack of Scottish job opportunities. That he retired and died in SE Asia was just more of following interests and opportunity. I moved with my ex pursuing a doctorate and landed far from the west where I grew up. Brother is in Australia due to his wife, as again, academia takes you far afield. My kids have followed the family tradition and have lived all over the world and now settled on opposite coasts. I’d never guilt trip them into staying local, and love following their interesting lives and participating as able. They all love to come home as well, and see the friends that have stayed local.
But, they have not held the hand of a dying grandmother, or had a big happy clan around who cared about them more than once or twice. My mother was very stressed, as I was, with no extended family to count on while raising kids. We are all great travelers, but the ability to travel declines with the decades. The solution, per an older woman friend is to move to where your kids are as health declines, to minimize emergency travel.
My family is a lot of professionals between my sibs & their spouses—mds, attorneys, teachers, dentist, telecommunications specialist, etc. We all deliberately chose to return to Oahu, rather than pursue opportunities elsewhere.
Our kids/nieces/nephews are still deciding. Many have deep roots on Oahu and may return if they can swing it. They also have professional degrees—md, cpa, PE, podiatry, teaching and others. They are mostly in 20s-30s.
I find that there are a lot opinionated, maybe judgmental people out there. They couldn’t possibly imagine living the way you do, how could your son live so far away? You must be deficient in your love for your child, because they love theirs so much, that the kids WANT to be close. Their love is the best, because their children are there with them and yours isn’t.
People become so wrapped up in what they want and what they choose that they refuse to see the other side. That your child loves you, you love him. But his ambitions lie in another place. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your son and he doesn’t love you because he lives on the opposite coast.
It reminds me of when my dad passed away and my mom decided that she could drive north to see her daughters and grandchildren. All these women, who were still married, just couldn’t believe that she would travel all that way to see family. They couldn’t ever do that. Mom was so brave for driving. It’s just such passive aggressive behavior. You do what you do because your choice isn’t theirs. And they aren’t in your position.
This is definitely not true in our family or with our friends. Many years ago I went to my state flagship (Go Heels!) and know many accomplished classmates who have moved all over the world. I did stay in state, but not in my hometown (couldn’t pay me to move there, either).
My husband went to college close to where he grew up (but almost didn’t because it was too close) and he did stay in state, but again not in his hometown (and he would never move there either).
My niece and nephew (from VA) have moved a lot too since they have graduated (one went to UVA, one to an Ivy). They are both thousands of miles from their parents.
Of the nieces and nephews on his side there are two college grads who stayed in their hometown and two who moved far far away. There are three who didn’t go to college (one is special needs) and they are all in their hometown.
Let’s see, for my cousins, who grew up on a farm, 3 stayed on the farm on land they inherited. One moved away. For my other cousins who grew up in a small town, they both moved away. I had a few friends from high school who stayed in town, but most of them moved at least a little ways away (like 20-30 minutes).
When I was growing up the expectation was that if you were successful you would move away from home, unless you were going into the family business. There was definitely no expectation for you to stay close to home and I think people who did were, maybe a little unfairly, looked down upon (like living in mom’s basement), but our town was not a place to make it big. It was not a thriving place.
My husband’s hometown is a thriving place and I think he does have more friends who stayed there, but it’s maybe 50/50 or maybe more have moved on out.
Now, I think it’s kinda sweet if it works out that grown kids and parents live in the same town, but it’s definitely not the norm in my experience. I didn’t really know anyone when I was little whose grandma took care of them or anything.
That is definitely something I can imagine hearing, but also so not my mom. She left the farm at 16 during WWII to go to college 300+ miles away. (I’m 57 and she had me when she was 39, so we kinda have long generations in our family.)
Our nephew moved out of the country due to politics! He loved Sweden for its progressive policies but couldn’t take the long winter nights. Now he’s heading up a research lab in Oxford, England. His girlfriend is Swiss and wants them to move to Geneva, but nephew said he could never live there due to the political situation.
Not all families are stationary. I lived 4 hours from home right after college, 1 hour from home (worked in NYC, family was in NJ) 25-30. Moved back to the town where I graduated from high school/where my parents still lived when I was 30. When I was 35, my parents semi-retired and moved 12 hours away from me! But I think one thing is that we moved every two years from when I was a baby-18. So-I was sad when my folks semi-retired and moved away, but I wasn’t shocked or upset. Because we always moved. They were happy when I moved close to home, but I don’t think they ever expected it. I also wonder…my parents are on the younger side. I didn’t feel obligation to take care of them and they are still buying houses and doing things and moving around. Twenty years after moving back, I am still living in my hometown area - because I like it here. Out of all of the places we lived, I liked it here best. I know my mom is shocked I’m still here! I am too, but my husband is not a mover like my family.
The number one factor is probably whether the kids were nomadic in their formative years (i.e. move to different countries, move to several states, or left home for a distant prep school) or are very stationary (i.e. stay in one state or move to one other state). If the parents move their kids all over the place, I assume the kids are less likely to stay close to that last house when they leave the always moving nest.
My kids were very, very fortunate to live in Europe, three countries in Asia, a Mountain state, and a Midwest state. We also traveled everywhere by the time they went to college. I purposefully sought international moves through my employer(s) and externally through competitor employers so the entire family could stay fresh, gain new cultural perspectives, and grow. As my mother says, my 3 kids were more worldly than all their cousins, without even knowing it. We want our kids to live in 3 different corners of the world, so we can visit. The first started her career in LA from college in Nashville, and is already talking about moving to London next.
That is still very common view in my area. Women just don’t go anywhere by themselves. Driving out of town requires a companion. People look at me like I have three heads sometimes when I travel by myself. I know one degreed STEM professional whose spouse wouldn’t let her drive 2 hours and stay in a hotel by herself for a marathon. Me, OTOH, flew 700 miles by myself and spent the weekend in a van with a 5 people (4 men, 1 woman) from the internet in order to run a race across NH. I had only met two of them before IRL.
I LOVE traveling by myself BTW. I do love traveling with family. It’s my #1 favorite thing to do, but I also adore the solo travel. I feel independent and free. But it just isn’t done here.
One of my best friends is a self-described “military brat.” The last place her dad was stationed was LA, so that’s where she and her mom live, even after her parents divorced. Both her kids currently live in LA too. Her brother moved to AZ, as did her dad. Her sister moved to San Diego.
Her husband talks about them selling their expensive home in great neighborhood to fund their retirement but they can’t agree on where to settle if they sell their place. They love Hi but hate the heat and humidity.
Not true in my situation. I never moved once growing up and have moved a ton as an adult. D lived in the same town from age 1 - 18 and she will be moving around a ton with her job post graduation.
I think it’s more likely to move even if one has been stationary than it is to settle in one place forever if they’re used to moving - though I’m sure both occur. Jobs, potential spouses, and personal preference will all play a part, but the reason I think people might be more likely to move is once one gets out and sees more of the world, it can be addictive.
That said, H and I moved 13 times in our first few years of marriage, but opted to settle down once oldest reached 5 and started school so our kids could have a “hometown” even though it’s in a different state miles away from their birth. We talked about moving again later, but now H has his own 20+ year old business here so it would be a financial mess to try to change.
We moved thousands of miles (and countries) away from parents - for higher education and job opportunities. Settled here in the Northeast due to the jobs. Visited parents regularly - once every couple of years while our kids were growing up, twice a year now for the past decade or so now that we were empty nesters.
Never placed any restrictions on our kids for college. Do I want them close by - heck, yeah. But it was their choice. D went to OH for school, came back home for med school and is now back in OH again for residency. I am hoping that she’ll come back closer once her residency is done - but who knows? S was in the midwest for high school, in DC for college and now is back, working close to home. I am glad I have had at least one kid close to me over the last few years.
The dream would be to have both of them close by, especially as they settle down and have families. We are not opposed to moving close to wherever they may be when that happens either.
I think it depends on a lot of things. Based on anecdotal knowledge and what I see in my area is that it really varies. We live in a very affluent, high cost of living area. So I’ve known a lot of kids who get jobs elsewhere because it’s more affordable. At the school I teach at, lots of kids do go back east for college, and quite a few of them do stay there. That said, just as many return to our area, get a good job, buy a house and live in the same area they grew up in and send their kids to the same private school that they attended. We live halfway between Los Angeles and San Diego. There are a lot of high paying jobs in our area and climate wise it’s a great place to live. But it is very expensive, and I know people who make decent money, but still can’t afford to buy a house and they have to live with roommates.
I was thinking about a conversation I had recently with my mil. She and my fil have lived in the same town they were born in except for the 2 year stint my fil did in the army. My mil frequently talks about how she loves where she lives. Her other son moved back to his hometown and raised his family there.
My husband has not lived in his hometown since departing for college. We lived in 2 places, one 2.5 hours away and now 2 hours away. My husband is planning on retiring no more than 1 year from now. He remarked to his mother that we are not resolute to staying where we are but might explore other places. Probably not immediately but in the future.
My mil kept bugging me, where might we move. She finally asked, maybe we would move to her town. No, just no.
The in laws love where they are but most of their friends have died or moved closer to their children. My mom lives in an active, sort of retirement community in the mid south and has so much more than my mil to do. It’s a very active lively area with tons to do. Mom has a lot of friends and a lot of activity still.
The answer that I wasn’t going to give my mil is that we like the community my mom is in The weather is great, the community is growing leaps and bounds and there are lots of things we would like.
No, just no am I moving to the small dying town that my in laws live in. Where we have no friends and the weather isn’t great.
