“What do you do [for work]?” in the US may be related to the sociopolitical work ethic, where work is commonly a strong part of one’s identity in the US.
I personally dislike this question. I have two degrees and two professional licenses. I worked full-time for a couple of years after ds was born and then we took an expat assignment for two years with my dh’s work. I went back to work part time when we returned but left the work force completely to homeschool our son for six and a half years. I did not re-enter the work force when he enrolled in a public charter school for the last three and a half years of high school. I did lots of driving and ferrying of him around as he was already young for his grade and then grade skipped. He could not drive until his senior year of high school.
I am a person who appears seemingly well-educated and capable on paper, but IRL, I couldn’t do much of anything related to my fields now. If you don’t use it, you lose it. I’m also woefully inadequate with technology and just don’t have the desire to learn at this point. Financially, I don’t have to work. I think it’s a hard question to answer for women who stayed at home with their children but who now have an empty nest.
I usually just say that I am a, “kept woman.”
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I got asked “what do you do” by the windshield repair guy who came out the other day. Definitely wasn’t his lead off question as we were just chatting about how the acrylic resin repair works. I answered his question (although it was loud with the air compressors) but it did make me slightly uncomfortable. I don’t have a pat answer like “I’m a CPA” and there has to be an explanation involved and I don’t even get into that it’s part time. I would have rather talked to him about how he got into the windshield repair business but I didn’t ask that either since that seemed like it could potentially put him on the spot.
(What if he lost his previous business and lost his house and his wife left him so he had to go into windshield repair, or could be a rock hit his windshield too and someone came out to repair it and he thought the process was great and he wanted to get in on it. Who knows? None of my business unless he wants to tell me. )
I just let him talk about the process and anything else he wanted to share. He was a really nice guy so I was happy to chat but just don’t really love answering that “what do you do” question.
If I don’t want to go into detail, I just say I work in an office. If they ask where I say downtown. That is all true btw. Vast majority of the time the conversation moves to a different subject (plans for the weekend, local sports teams, etc). Going into detail typically results in one more question and then you move on to something else.
Seems to me the question primarily comes up in 3 contexts. One the chit chat type discussion that you have with people as a way of passing time and removing some awkwardness of not saying anything to someone else. Talking with people in Europe I get the sense that there is more comfort in silence. We had a German exchange student who tried some chit chat because it was something her parents didn’t do. With cell phones there is less of an interest in chit chat because you have something else to pass time.
Other is trying to get to know someone. New neighbor. Someone at an activity (for yourself or maybe one of your kids). Expectation is you will see them again and just trying to get to know them better.
Third is in business setting. Networking type events. There is a passage of time element there. But its more a way of trying to figure out if the other person can help you in your career. And to a lesser extent (though I think it can be as valuable if not more valuable) if you can help them.
At one point or another, vast majority of people have had a job of some type. You can say what you did at one time. What you do now. Be detailed or vague about it.
I still am perplexed why “what do you do” has to refer to a career…
Even if your husband or wife supports your household with an employer deposited check, aren’t there things you do to make your home life (yours, your spouse and/or children or extended family) better or functional? Are there things you “do” that make you interesting or a good member of your community?
I hope I can always put value on whatever takes up the hours of my day whether I’m getting a paycheck or not.
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At several points in our professional careers, I outranked DH in both pay and position but, if he were standing next to me when asked what I do, I enjoyed pointing to him and answering, “I’m his concubine” just to see the response. I’ve also answered, “As little as possible.”
I agree with @abasket that it’s not a loaded question and doesn’t matter how you answer it.
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When asked what I do I typically respond…
My username is Catcherinthetoast and I spend my time sarcastically posting on college confidential.
To date I have not gotten a follow up question.
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It definitely CAN be a loaded question. Just depends on the context.
It is almost exclusively about your job. I have never heard someone say it and mean “what do you like to do for fun.” They usually mean “what do you do for a job.” Again, usually, easy to figure out from context. Sometimes it is fine to answer what you like to do instead, but just depends.
The fact is it is an uncomfortable question for many people and as I mentioned way up thread is viewed as downright rude in many other countries. For those of y’all still relying on this one a lot, try branching out with some other topics of conversation that don’t put other people on the spot unless you are just one of those people that likes making other people uncomfortable.
If you didn’t know it makes some people uncomfortable, you do now. And when you know better, you do better.
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It’s an uncomfortable question to anyone who views the answer as a reflection of their self worth. Time to get creative, IMO. 
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It’s a rude question to most of the world. A lot of people here don’t like it either. It’s fine in a business context, but be aware that many people do not like that question just like someone might not like the question “what church do you go to?”
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Noted.
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I guess this is why everyone just talks about “the weather” instead. Ho hum.
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Or a reflection of the worth society places upon them.
Whether or not society still values SAHMs, I am not sure. They are, however, still probably more valued than stay-at-home empty nester wives. Or, perhaps simply considered a source of disdain because they can stay at home. See the current, “Problem with the 9.9%,” thread.
As is the case with so many things here on CC - “You’re *amned if you do, and *amned if you don’t.
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You can also view it as an opportunity to save time. If someone will get upset/be offended by being asked what they do (or even what church they go to), I can see where that person likely isn’t someone I would want to spend much time with in any event. They may well feel the same about me. So why not save some time for both of us and move onto other things/people?
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It’s a weird question. The only time I think it is really makes sense to ask is if the person you are asking is talking about their work something like this:
Them: “I have to give a big presentation at work next week.”
You:. “Oh? What’s the presentation about? What kind of work do you do?”
I almost never mention my profession as people start asking for free advice or referrals. Once they know it’s a well paying profession, they give higher estimates for their services. It also generates an overwhelming number of donation requests.
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If I gave up asking/talking about everything someone objected to we might as well stop talking altogether. I’ve no plans on doing that TBH. No regrets either. We’ve had a lot of great conversations worldwide and if those we talked with were upset about anything it certainly didn’t show. They were asking as much of us.
There are a lot of curious people on this planet who are happy to be able to really converse with someone else and usually no topic is off the table. It’s enjoyable socialization for us. Those who don’t like it can keep to themselves or walk away. I don’t notice those who keep to themselves (other than introverts I know personally). I’ve never had someone excuse themselves and leave. Usually everyone hates when they have to leave (travel schedule or late at night or similar).
You say if something you agree with is rude the rest of us should modify who we are, but honestly? In my group your telling us what we can/can’t talk about is ruder.
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To be clear, the article I linked to said it was a rude question in other countries. For myself, I said it was “weird” and “uncomfortable”, which it is, to me. Other people think being asked “what church do you go to” is weird and uncomfortable.
And I quoted Maya Angelou, “when you know better, you do better”. Didn’t tell you personally what you can and cannot talk about. But now you know that many people all over the world consider the question some Americans ask right out of the blue when first meeting a person, “what do you do,” to be rude. Up to each person to decide what they want to do with that info.
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I just hear the question as a shortened version of “what do you do with your time?”
Honest question- do people think that question is offensive? To me it is just mining for common ground or something interesting to chit chat about. Nothing inherently judgmental about it. It is a bummer that people feel like they are being judged if asked. It doesn’t have to reflect an assumption that paid work makes a person more inherently more valuable or interesting.
You tell me you spend your time on your kids, we can have a conversation about kids. You tell me you spend time playing bridge, we can talk about cards. You tell me you have taken time off work for health reasons, I can empathize. There is no hidden agenda. No intention to make someone feel inadequate. Everyone has something interesting about them.
But then I don’t think to ask the question that way, and I am aware that people can be sensitive about not having a paid job, even though there is no reason to be.
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I think it’s hard to come up with questions. I can’t find it, but I did once read some great suggestions from someone who does interviews. I think it was something like “Tell me something about yourself I don’t know” or “Tell me something about yourself that might surprise me.” I think they are standard job interview questions, but work out in real life too.