What do you think of my essay?

<p>I was happy when I looked at the application to Nova Southeastern University and discovered this question: If you would like to explain shortcomings in your academic history, you are encouraged to submit an essay on a separate sheet of paper. I wrote an essay but it seems a bit long (they didn't mention anything about maximum amount of words) and its only a first draft, so its not the best. I would forever be grateful if anyone would read it and tell me what I should fix.</p>

<p>Ohhh and by the way, I think the ending may be a bit cheesy.</p>

<p>Inside The Box: My Battle with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
By: H. Rehr</p>

<pre><code>When you envision a pile of empty cereal boxes, outdated newspapers and broken toys, you may think about the local refuse dump. But the location of these objects were far from what anyone could expect, these so called pieces of trash were my treasures, and they were hidden in the solitude of my room. Not only did I hoard objects, I held inside all of my swirling emotions, until the day my body finally gave way and collapsed. This is the story of my struggle with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder.

     Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder or OCPD is characterized by perfectionism and inflexibility. A person with an Obsessive-Compulsive Personality becomes preoccupied with uncontrollable patterns of thought and action. Symptoms may cause extreme distress and interfere with a person's occupational, educational and social functioning. This definition was my life. My parents had no idea what was wrong. They were dealing with their own problems. My mother has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and my father has Anxiety Disorder, both were attempting to heal their pain with alcohol. Without guidance and unable to stop my obsessive thoughts, I resulted to staying at home and plunging deeper and deeper into catastrophe.

     During the school year, I would wake up some mornings with only an hour of sleep. My mind would be plagued with irrational thoughts such as: If I go to sleep tonight, I won&#8217;t wake up or if I blink my eyes a certain number of times, my house won&#8217;t catch on fire. These ideas would run rampant through my brain the previous evening making it impossible to sleep. With little shut-eye, I would get ready for school in my disastrous room. We had to eventually abandon my house due to my hoarding problems. Now came my routine. I had to brush my teeth 4 times during the course of the morning. I had to try on 10 outfits before I finally could get dressed, I would have to wear at least 5 shirts at a time, and before I could even step foot outside my door, I had to kiss the doorknob twice. Now I was prepared for school, or at least with my unreasonable rituals. Because of my inability to turn in an imperfect paper or assignment, I would neglect to turn in anything to the teacher that morning at all. My fear of failure was turning me into one. Also adding to my levels of disorder complexity, was my focus.  It didn&#8217;t exist. Along with my Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, I also suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder. So when I wasn&#8217;t worried about dying from touching the walls, I was staring at anything in the room that held more interest for me than the subject that was being taught.  Next came lunch, where I would have to eat my food in a counter-clockwise position or something unthinkable and unmentionable would happen to me. After school ended, I finally was able to go home. I felt comfort in being able to bury myself under my dirt and sheathing myself from the outside world. I was finally able to cry without worrying what others thought of me. I could never be able to show the outside world who I really was. It was unthinkable for me to be able to engage in anything less than angelic. What would people perceive of me if I were to actually do such a thing as to enjoy life? &#8220;I&#8217;m not worthy of life&#8221; was my daily mantra. I was afraid to drive for fear I may cause a car accident. I was afraid to work for fear I may make a mistake. I was even too afraid to apply for college because I have a fear of rejection. In my junior year of high school, I was in my child development class when I started to have shortness of breath. The room was spinning and my body tingled, I felt like I was dying. That was the first of my panic attacks. My body finally gave way to my stress and had exploded with adrenaline. For then and the next following year when I was a senior, I preceded to having about 80 more of them, some mild and others severe. Although, to most, this would be an alarm for a serious problem, but my mother brushed it off as something I was doing to myself. She said I had to work it out on my own. Eventually my disease worsened, I wouldn&#8217;t even step out of the house unless it was absolutely necessary. In my room was my own little world. No one could get to me. Nothing could harm me if I stayed here. It was my cage that I could not escape from. It was my box that wasn&#8217;t fully opened until about 4 months ago.

         I walked into the room with apprehension. Earlier that week my mother recommended that I see a therapist, she was finally starting to notice how bad I was getting. His name was Dr. Yetter. But to make me feel more comfortable, he suggested that I call him by his first name: Jeff. What could this guy know about me? How could he possibly know what I was going through? During that whole first session, I could see him staring at me. He asked me how I was and I replied that I was fine. He then mentioned to me that I didn&#8217;t look comfortable. I sat on the couch in a very ladylike but clenched manner. With one leg tucked behind the other and my arms wrapped around myself, you could certainly tell that I was one big ball of twine just waiting to be unraveled. Through the course of our next meetings, I discovered who I was and what I wanted to become. Even though I was comfortable living in my box, it was impractical of me to think I could survive like that forever. With the combination of therapy sessions and medication, I finally discovered what it was like to live. It felt wonderful not having so many obsessions. It was like being re-born.

</code></pre>

<p>Although there are parts of my life that can be fixed, one area that I cannot do over is high school. Due to my lack of concentration, I graduated with a very low grade point average. I only wish I would have discovered my illness sooner, because I now know, with help, I could have soared in high school. If I had not been so busy focusing on my obsessions and compulsions, I would have surely been in the top of my class. As Carl Bard once said, “Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” I would love if I could include Nova Southeastern University in my new life. Please consider me as a student for Winter 2006 and beyond.</p>

<p>Suggestions..... Please?</p>

<p>And yes, I know it is super long, but I have no idea how to shorten it without getting my point through. Help?</p>

<p>bump.. bump.. bump..
I know that it is not bad enough to be beyond help...
or is it?</p>

<p>It is very interesting and tells a good story. You can certainly get this all across in a shorter form by editing.</p>

<p>This for instance, could be combined into one sentence:
In my room was my own little world. No one could get to me. Nothing could harm me if I stayed here. It was my cage that I could not escape from. It was my box that wasn’t fully opened until about 4 months ago.</p>

<p>I don't like this sentence coming from out of left field: "I walked into the room with apprehension". It is like you are trying to start a new essay.</p>

<p>I think you should spend time showing what your life is like now. Otherwise it begs the question what is different?</p>

<p>Thanks bettina. I really like your point on how I need to focus on my life now, so that I may show improvement. How long should an answer to this question be? It started out at about 200 words and now it has gone to the out of control 1000+ WC. I was reading over it once more and realized there are a lot of useless sentences in my essay. I just need to find a happy median. lol</p>

<p>My suggestions are in bold, and I'll comment more after the essay:</p>

<p>When you envision a pile of empty cereal boxes, outdated newspapers and broken toys, you may think about the local refuse dump. But these so-called pieces of trash were my treasures, and I hid them in the solitude of my room. In addition to objects, I hoarded all of my swirling emotions inside, until the day my body finally gave way and collapsed. This is the story of my struggle with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality** and Attention Deficit** Disorders.</p>

<p>An Obsessive-Compulsive Personality is characterized by perfectionism and inflexibility. Such a person becomes preoccupied with uncontrollable patterns of thought and action. Symptoms may cause extreme distress and interfere with a person's occupational, educational and social functioning. This definition was my life. My parents had no idea what was wrong. They were dealing with their own neurological problems, attempting to heal their pain with alcohol. Without guidance and unable to stop my obsessive thoughts, I stayed home and plunged deeper and deeper into catastrophe.</p>

<p>In the evenings, my mind was plagued with irrational thoughts such as: “If I go to sleep tonight, I won’t wake up,” or “If I blink my eyes a certain number of times, my house won’t catch on fire.” These ideas ran rampant through my brain*, making it impossible to sleep. During the school year, I often woke after only an hour of sleep. I would then* get ready for school in my disastrous room <a href="which%20was%20so%20devastating%20we%20eventually%20abandoned%20the%20house">b</a>. I **brushed my teeth 4 times during the course of the morning. I tried on precisely 10 outfits before I finally could get dressed*.* I would have to wear at least 5 shirts at a time and kiss the doorknob twice before stepping outside the door, or something unthinkably horrible would happen to me.</p>

<p>I could not bring myself to turn in an imperfect paper or assignment, so I would neglect to turn in anything at all. ** I had no focus because of my ADD.** When I wasn’t worried about dying from touching the walls, I was staring at random things in the room that interested me. After school, I could go home, and found comfort in burying myself under my dirt and sheathing myself from the outside world. I could cry without worrying what others thought of me. I could not show the outside world who I really was. It was unthinkable to appear less than angelic. Fear of failure, of finding that I am unworthy, controlled my life. At the same time, I felt this fear of failure turned me into one.</p>

<p>I had my first panic attack in Junior Year. My body gave way to stress and exploded with adrenaline. For then and the next following year when I was a senior, I had about 80 more of them, some mild and others severe. My mother brushed it off as something I was doing to myself. She said I had to work it out on my own. Eventually my disease worsened, I wouldn’t even step out of the house unless it was absolutely necessary. My room was my own little world. No one could get to me. Nothing could harm me if I stayed here. It was my cage that I could not escape from.</p>

<p>My cage opened about four months ago. The therapist’s name was Dr. Yetter*, but he encouraged me to call him Jeff. What could this guy know about me? How could he possibly know what I was going through? During that whole first session, I could see him staring at me. He asked me how I was and I replied that I was fine. He then mentioned to me that I didn’t look comfortable. I sat on the couch in a very ladylike but clenched manner. With one leg tucked behind the other and my arms wrapped around myself, I was one big ball of twine waiting to be unraveled. **Over* the course of our next meetings, I discovered who I was and what I wanted to become. With the combination of therapy sessions and medication, I discovered what it was like to live. It was like being re-born.</p>

<p>[End]</p>

<p>I didn't include the conclusion because I know you can do much better than that. The rest of the essay is heartfelt, descriptive, and flows well. You could go easier on the "finally"s, and try to use active voice whenever you can. It adds to the dramatic nature of the piece. It was quite long, and I hope you aren't offended that I cut pretty large portions out. You only need a sampling of the irrational thoughts that crossed your mind and the habits you had to stick to. I wasn't bored in the least reading about your lunchtime routine, but for college essay purposes, it's better to cut down and be strong on a few points.</p>

<p>For the conclusion, you probably shouldn't talk about how well you could have done. It's better to focus on the future. After all, you want to portray to the adcoms that you will be a bright and devoted student. You can start sort of the same, with, "I cannot change my high school record, but my trials shaped my current perspective on life." Talk about how much you appreciate living free of the shackles of your mind, that you feel you can give more to the world because you know true suffering. That's the direction I took with my essay, which is about Anorexia and Bulemia. It's not exactly the same, but both are mind traps.</p>

<p>I'm really happy you were able to conquer this. I'm still in the beginning stages of recovery, started Prozac last week and I think it's starting to take effect :) If you'd like to read my own essay, please PM me. I also have a website, <a href="http://www.geocities.com/triumph256/index.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.geocities.com/triumph256/index.html&lt;/a> with writings about eating disorders and living in "the bell jar." Good luck.</p>

<p>I completely sympathize with your Attention Disorders (since i have them) but when I wrote the same type of essay, my english teachers told me to completely start anew with new topics because writing about a disorder/excuse/problem for your performance (education or social) hurt your chances at getting into a good college. She told me somthing like this: the colleges don't sympathize with applicants that have their problems recorded in detail in their essays. They want applicants that took control of themselves and grew.
*Not sure if this is what you intend to do, but this is what my teacher said and i took the advice since it made sense to me.</p>

<p>Great topic but reword it and show more of a reflection on how you grew from the experience.</p>

<p>Hope this helps</p>

<p>Usually I don't comment on essays, because since i am muddling through the process of writing them myself, it would be unfair of me to pretend i know what i'm talking about. But the one sentence that really bothered me in this one was "i surely would have been in the top of my class." You can't really know that. Maybe you should say something like, my GPA would have been higher or something. lol. anyway, it was a good essay, and good luck!</p>

<p>Thanks so much everyone... This was my first attempt at my essay and I only worked on it for maybe an hour at the most, so I am sure it will get much better, with help... I really do appreciate all of your suggestions. :)</p>