Personal Statement: ADHD, pretentiousness, self-consciousness etc.

<p>I am currently a student at a community college. Ideally, I'd like to transfer to UCB as a political economy major. However, my grades have been a little shaky due to certain circumstances, among these being ADHD, hanging out with the wrong crowd, apathy and general slacking. UCB says it takes into consideration "any unusual circumstances or hardships you have faced and the ways in which you have overcome or responded to them." Unfortunately, the hardships I've faced are nowhere near as a great as those of other students I'd be in competition with. And my hardships certainly don't strike as original or unusual either. So I figure that if I can't write about unusual hardships, perhaps I could write about hardships in an unusual way. The problem is that I have no idea how to write about these "hardships" without sounding too pretentious or self-conscious about myself as well as the essay criteria.</p>

<p>Recently, I had to write an essay for an honors application with a prompt that asked for me to detail challenges or circumstances that might have impeded my academic achievement in college. Not too dissimilar from what UCB is looking for in a personal statement. I've included the essay below. I don't intend on completely reusing it for my personal statement, but I do kind of want to keep the general feel/theme of it. I know the essay is superfluous (understatement), especially the introduction, but I had little time for editing in order to meet the application deadline. So whoever has the time and patience to critique it and suggest what I should keep or remove for my personal statement, I would greatly appreciate your help.</p>

<p>Bad Faith</p>

<p>There is a slight cognitive dissonance that arises in electing to detail prior circumstances that may have resulted in the impediment of my academic achievement. Part of me feels compelled to attempt to convince the Honors Department that, because of certain conditions and resulting incidents that I have had the misfortune to endure, I should be excluded from the same judgment that will be placed upon other applicants. In other words, I am tempted to describe myself as perhaps being an exception and appeal for leniency. But in doing so, I run the risk of exaggerating my own recovery from past failures and implicitly trivializing those of others. I concede instead that there are many individuals who have been forced to deal with far greater burdens than I could ever imagine having to shoulder. However, I also do not wish to delegitimize the challenges I have had to face as a student. Although these challenges may not be as tangible or as deserving of sympathy as, say, growing up in poverty, I feel that their limitations were just as genuine, made evident by their consequences.</p>

<p>I am fortunate enough to have been raised – some would say spoiled – by two loving parents, in a middle class home and afforded the opportunity to attend programs such as GATE and the International Baccalaureate. Despite having these luxuries, I have succeeded in abandoning whatever benefits they had provided and nigh completely wasted my first two years of college, resulting in multiple failing grades and withdrawals. Sometime during the spring semester of 2011, I felt compelled to visit my psychiatrist after coming across some information regarding Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. According to medical literature, ADHD is associated with the impairment of the executive functions of the brain, which include processes such as attention, time management, memory, planning, organization and other cognitive skills. I was astonished at how closely the descriptions of ADHD behavior matched my own. After several visits to a psychiatrist, I was somewhat unsurprisingly diagnosed with the disorder.</p>

<p>Not only did ADHD affect my cognitive capabilities, it also altered my perspective on education and life in general. Sometimes something as seemingly insignificant as a misguided life philosophy might be problematic enough of a challenge to derail a promising future. Further research on ADHD helped foster the realization that, prior to my diagnosis, I found comfort in the delusory notion that my intelligence might redeem my disciplinary shortcomings. Consequently, this notion soon gave way to a bleak, fatalist belief that, among other things, a flawed educational system had doomed me to never realize my full potential. It goes without saying that having this sort of nihilistic mentality at such a precarious stage in life is not exactly conducive to success. Anytime I was confronted with a challenging obligation, I was determined to find any excuse to convince myself that the reward for overcoming it was not worth the effort.</p>

<p>Since my diagnosis, my GPA has increased to a 3.39. Although the medication I have since been prescribed has certainly been beneficial, the extent of which my academic improvement can be attributed to the medication alone remains unclear. Was the medication the catalyst for such a change via the alleviation of symptoms? Was this change brought about due to a better understanding of the disorder? Or was it perhaps brought about by mere experience and maturity? All I can objectively state is that not long after my diagnosis, my perspective on life and education had undergone a drastic transformation. Previously I had been acting on, what Jean-Paul Sartre called mauvaise foi, or “bad faith.” Concisely put, I had deluded myself with the false belief that I was devoid of the freedom to choose my path in life as a result of external pressures, namely academic and societal obligations. With this self-defeating mentality, I believed that I was successful in deflecting responsibility for my past academic failures and shifting the blame onto anyone and anything other than myself. I have since realized that, ultimately, this responsibility is inescapable and that I alone am accountable for every decision I make. To elaborate, everyone is a victim of circumstance in some way and, granted, some of us are more limited by them than others. However, there is always a choice to be made no matter how seemingly insurmountable the situation. Surrendering in the face of adversity or criticism is a choice. Even the act of adopting the belief that choice or freedom does not exist is itself a choice. But today, I choose to believe that I do have control over my future. Although it may be limited, I am aware that the no individual, challenge, or circumstance may decide its direction for me. Furthermore I also choose to claim responsibility for my past failures and to overcome any challenge that I am met with. Most importantly, I choose to strive toward my fullest potential, instead of allowing doubt or, perhaps even rationality, convince me otherwise. I am certain that this newfound mentality will provide me with the perseverance to, not only succeed, but thrive if admitted to the Honors Program.</p>

<p>First paragraph is not very good because 1) it’s too wordy and long and there’s no way that’ll grab and keep an adcom’s attention and 2) its content is too humble and doesn’t do enough to make you seem desirable over other candidates</p>

<p>The rest of the essay also has issues of conciseness, but succeeds in making clear that you have overcome a challenge and may now be capable of handling the target college’s work. It’s still too diffident, though. You have to make a resounding case for your admission here. Make your challenge a reason you are special instead of a flaw to be excused, and I think the message of the essay could be stronger.</p>

<p>Thank you Philovitist, the constructive criticism is very much appreciated. I considered the first paragraph to be its weakest part myself, but I was pretty much guaranteed a spot in the program so I just left it in. As for the rest of the essay, I completely agree with you after having reread it. I had the feeling that the essay read like I was begging for pity. I dwelled far too long on how I was held back and not how it affected me for the better. Actually, I left the latter part out completely now that I think about it. And yes, conciseness and redundancy is unquestionably a huge problem for me (I blame it on the two philosophy classes I took last semester). Fortunately, I have a few more months to revise it!</p>

<p>FWIW: Your honors application essay is way overwritten. You should NOT include any information about ADHD, and instead add a letter from your psychiatrist, who will attest to your diagnosis, treatment and medication management.</p>

<p>I took the liberty of editing your essay down to the absolute basics. Feel free to add back anything I deleted, but let your shrink talk-the-talk. Your essay needs to walk-the-walk.</p>

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<p>I’m going to come at you from a couple different perspectives here. 1) I’m a Cal alum, 2) I’ve met plenty of transfer students back in my day, so I understand where a lot of you are coming from, 3) I run a college counseling business now.</p>

<p>You’re articulate. You can write, and I’m sure you could do well in school if you actually worked at it. Your statement is genuine and concedes your past shortcomings in an agreeable way. There’s the obvious issue with the risky ADHD blame-game going on, but some readers will understand.</p>

<p>The bigger issue is that your expectations (to get into UCB) and your academic record are not in line. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s not realistic to expect leniency when almost every community-college transfer has been in your shoes at some point. Why reward you with admissions when so many others have emerged triumphant over their past mistakes/decisions/circumstances? What makes you special? What makes you deserve another handout? Talk is one thing - results are another.</p>

<p>There are a lot of individuals like you - intrinsically talented, well-pampered, but so poorly motivated that they underperform compared to less-enabled peers. I’ve been in your shoes at various points in my life, and I’ve worked with students like yourself back when I was a teacher. I understand the position that you’re in.</p>

<p>The best advice I can give you is to finish community college, get out of school for a while, and go tough it out on your own. Don’t rely on your family’s support and don’t lean on dreams of redemption in higher education. What you need is to work, to be frustrated, to be dissatisfied, and to dream and yearn so violently that you will actually man up and accomplish something on your own accord. </p>

<p>I have some ‘lifestyle’ articles on my blog that can help you get started in thinking about changing your habits and attitude - [The</a> App Style - A College Application Guide](<a href=“http://theappstyle.com/]The”>http://theappstyle.com/) . There are also two books I would recommend for you - The Happiness Hypothesis, by Jonathan Haidt, and The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg. </p>

<p>It’s not going to be easy. As you get older, prepare to have more expectations unmet and more dreams unfurled. You’ll realize at some point that it’s the day-to-day that matters. Every day needs to be a victory of sorts - over past mistakes, over new resolutions. The only person watching will be yourself.</p>

<p>Good luck with your endeavors. I hope you find your light at the end of the tunnel.</p>

<p>^^ Good point. In addition, it may not be possible for the OP to transfer as s/he may have already accumulated excess units. See: <a href=“http://students.berkeley.edu/files/admissions/12626_5.info_transadm.pdf[/url]”>http://students.berkeley.edu/files/admissions/12626_5.info_transadm.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Gibby: Thanks for your input! I completely agree it is extremely long-winded. As for the including of my diagnosis, etc. the prompt was asking me to detail how a certain hardship stopped me from achieving, what I did to overcome it, and why I feel that I am passed it and now in the position to succeed. That’s why I had to write so much about it. Regarding the personal statement, I know I can’t afford to spend the whole paper just writing about ADHD, so your condensed version of my essay seems like a good place to start. </p>

<p>SplashofScience: Thanks so much for your insight and honesty! I’d like to think I’ve already found the motivation I was in sore lack of and, although it might not be apparent, I feel that I’ve reached the point of frustration, dissatisfaction, and gained that sense of urgency and ambition that you’ve mentioned in your response. My frustration comes from knowing that I haven’t been achieving my full potential, a notion that has only recently occurred to me. Prior to realizing that, I was adept, I guess, at rationalizing my apathetic existence. The conclusion I always came to was that no goal was worth the energy to pursue because all accomplishments are rendered meaningless in the end (how original right?). </p>

<p>You are correct though that I have little to show for my new-found ambition. But I think that’s mostly because of how recently it developed. Come November, I’ll hopefully have something for the personal statement. For what it’s worth, I calculated what my GPA would be by the end of spring if I kept a 4.0 average for the rest of my sophomore year. It would come out to 3.68 overall, and I think my UC GPA would be even higher than that. In addition, if I’d take 6 honors classes by the end of spring, I would be guaranteed admission to any UC (sadly, other than UCLA and UCB) through the TAG program. I also plan to throw in some EC’s such as the school newspaper, clubs, leadership, etc. Taking 17 units this fall, and 9 in the spring. This will bring my total up to 71 I believe. (Gibby: From what I’ve heard, there is no limit for CC’s, the university will pick which units will transfer if your total units exceeds 70). </p>

<p>Now, that load isn’t something to brag about, but from where I started I’d like to think it’s been a decent turnaround. When I first started college at my previous CC, I was placed on academic probation with a 1.00 GPA (prior to that I was a mostly C average student in HS, and even worse in middle school). Then I transferred to my current CC. Started off strong, slacked off for a semester and my GPA went down to a 2.3 IIRC. Then in 2011 I started to gain some motivation. Retook 3 classes (2 F’s and 1 W) and aced them. President’s list in fall 2012, and a 3.7 in spring 2013. So I’ve had an upward trend in GPA. If I keep a 4.0 until spring, hopefully that makes the trend even more evident. I should also add that I haven’t taken a math class since senior year of high school, which I failed unsurprisingly. Until this summer, I was at a HS Algebra math level. Over the course of spring and the first half of June, I used the Khan academy to bring my math skills up to a precal level so that I could test straight into calc and analytical geometry. I passed and plan on taking stats this semester and calc during the winter/spring. </p>

<p>Hopefully that gives you a better picture of what I had to do and what needs to be done to salvage my academic future. I don’t want to put any blame on my parents, friends, bullies, etc. so all I’ll say is that somehow I came out of childhood extremely lacking in discipline and regard for my future. I essentially had to completely reconfigure my brain (the ADHD diagnosis and treatment helped) within a span of two to three years. </p>

<p>Like I said in my essay, I am purposefully being irrational about my goals. I don’t have high expectations, just high hopes. I would be a little ticked off if I didn’t get it in (highly likely that I won’t) but I wouldn’t give up on my future because of it. Regardless of what happens, I’ll be satisfied with knowing that I actually tried. Even if I don’t get in, I’ll still take as much as I can from the experience of working toward that goal.</p>

<p>I for one rather thought the two paragraphs introducing the thing were more authentic and convincing than what followed. They resemble a little bit the personal statement of my sole successful undergrad application to a hi-fallooting college (William and Mary; I didn’t attend because I could save a lot of money going to a state school). I went on a depressing trip into the whininess of my own complaints, explicated a harshly realistic view of myself, and didn’t really come to a conclusion besides “I think I can do better, given a chance.” Apparently they liked that, or didn’t dislike it enough to knock me out of consideration.</p>

<p>Thanks tesIII, I guess each part has its strengths and weaknesses. Considering everyone’s opinions, it seems that the introductory paragraphs are more overwritten and contrived, and the last bits err more on the side of banality. That my failings were due to a “harshly realistic view of myself” and that “I think I can do better, given a chance,” were the same conclusions I was trying to convey. I just didn’t expand on proving what I had done or would do to show I could do better. Instead, I just kept philosophizing on how my world view and self-image had changed. Anyway, I’m sorry to hear that you fell into the same sort of mental trap as I did. I hope everything is well now. If you don’t mind me asking, what was your GPA at the time, and what sort of EC’s/awards were you able to include in your personal statement and transcript?</p>

<p>Please don’t post essays in online forums where they can be googled, it would be embarrassing to have your various drafts incorporating ideas from other people turn up should someone look. Or to have good ideas stolen by lurkers. The protocol here is to invite readers and PM them.</p>

<p>I think this needs rewrite to be pared down and distilled. The first paragraph can be got rid of entirely as I don’t think there is any appropriateness to vague speculation on whether your story is worse or not that someone else’s. Avoid passive voice or disembodied voice, avoid third person–stay in first person. Avoid whopping dense paragraphs.</p>

<p>You lack concrete examples of your rehabilitation. You just gave one here about your self study using khanacademy and actually testing into more advanced math–that sort of detail will make your argument more convincing. </p>

<p>Are you saying that your will be applying for transfer after your spring grades are out? If so, why write your essay now? If not, why will your spring grades count for anything?</p>

<p>If you will get into some UC you are doing great. I think it is bad advice to suggest you take time off if you clearly have some momentum and are on track as you say. If you can get into any UC then job well done, pat self on back, carry on. Berkeley seems extremely unlikely.</p>

<p>You never, ever want their eyes to glaze over, midway through the first sentence. These things are not just about being articulate and conveying all you want to say, all of it, all the detail you are privy to. It’s very often about how you self-edit, send the message they need to hear. And offer them the assurance you will fit and thrive. That’s not in what you tell- it’s in how you show it.</p>

<p>BrownParent: I apologize for overlooking protocol – but seeing as I am mostly being advised to rewrite nearly the entire essay, I guess it won’t be too much of a problem. I will be sure to keep that in mind for future reference. </p>

<p>Regarding the first paragraph, perhaps it also gives off the impression of being overly-conscious about the application process. I feel it is a genuine admittance that I don’t want to be seen as trying to make my story seem as poignant as those of others. My intention was to compel the reader to view my story in the correct context, that is, by not solely comparing it to the stories of others. But seeing as the effect is being lost on nearly everyone who’s read it, you’re probably correct in saying it isn’t appropriate to include in the essay. I will also keep in mind your advice on voice, brevity, and the use of more concrete examples of rehabilitation, thank you!</p>

<p>Well I’m applying for a fall transfer next year, actually. If I’m correct, I can turn in an application as long as I complete all the required courses by the end of the Spring term.</p>

<p>Well, let’s say I do delay transferring and take a gap year, not necessarily taking time off, but use that time to build up my extracurricular activities. Would that be a better idea in the long run then, say, going to a less prestigious university right away? I’m not trying to fetishize Berkeley, I just think that with my major, going to any school of equal prestige might offer more benefits.</p>

<p>lookingforward: Thank you for your advice as well. Unfortunately, I guess being articulate is the only thing going for me at the moment, which explains the excessive length and (pseudo) philosophical musings. Obviously, it does not work very well to mask my subpar academic and extracurricular records. And I agree I do need to offer them more assurance that I can be a model Berkeleyan; I admit that I tried to squeeze it all in at the end.</p>

<p>Don’t worry too much, you’ll be alright. What I meant though was “I am currently” and “recently, though”, not the essay, just fyi :T</p>

<p>Don’t use it as an excuse to belittle yourself and ask for pity points. Firstly, your introduction paragraph is poorly written. It looks like you went to dictionary.com and used the thesaurus on every single word. (i.e. "There is a slight cognitive dissonance that arises in electing to detail prior circumstances that may have resulted in the impediment of my academic achievement. Part of me feels compelled to attempt to convince the Honors Department that, because of certain conditions and resulting incidents that I have had the misfortune to endure, I should be excluded from the same judgment that will be placed upon other applicants. In other words, I am tempted to describe myself as perhaps being an exception and appeal for leniency. “) <----- that is just a complete no and turn off when i read that. IT’s like saying " hey. don’t judge me that hard cause i have problems”. Use it in a more positive perspective. As in “because of this disorder, I have learned…”. People wont pity you. They are supposed to view applications fairly and accordingly without any bias. So the fact that you are using it as an excuse is poorly managed. Again, too wordy. Almost makes it difficult o understand. AND apart from that, there are many grammatical errors and misuse of vocabulary. Kind of what happens when you use synonyms for every other word. I’m not trying to be mean, rather, educate you to write improve your chances. </p>

<p>So to sum it up:

  1. Don’t thesaurus every other word. People tend to get overly dramatic with it and it ends up not making any sense.
  2. Don’t go for pity points, it won’t work. Make it a more positive thing. IF you can’t embrace your disorder and learn to accept that you have challenges that you need to sort out on your own, then how can any admissions accept you?
  3. Keep the essay simple. No one has time to read your long words. They only have about 2 minutes to read over your application. If you give them something that they constantly have to say “wait what did i just read” they wont go back to re-read it, tey’ll jsut move on ad skip over a point you are trying to make.</p>