What do you think of my personal statement?

College Essays
1

<p>I was prompted to talk about an experience that I'm proud of. Well, here it is. </p>

<p>"The most important event I faced recently was destitution; it was one of the most grueling experiences of my life. My mother retired due to arthritis and needed two hip replacements. Unfortunately, we lost our home because we couldn't afford the mortgage and she was forced to move into a senior living center since she qualified for her age. As for me, living in my car with no place to go became the norm for two and a half years, and it was especially hard with no family. Even though I suddenly found myself in a difficult predicament, I continued my attempt at a college education; however, this proved to be difficult. Constantly, I found myself living from shelter to shelter and searching for employment. Because of this, I found myself continuously dropping out of school and sometimes even failing. All of my Withdrawals were a result of either movement for survival, or taking up opportunities for short-term employment. For example, I withdrew from my classes in the Spring Semester of 2013. As for that spring semester, the reason I dropped is because after a couple of years of searching, I was finally able to gain full-time employment by training to be a school bus driver; so, it was imperative for me not to pass up the opportunity because for me, it meant that I could have a stable life. After training, I gained permanent employment and was able to rent a room with a roommate. Due to this, I was able to go back to school and with it, made a strong academic combat. Its hard for some people to believe that I could be proud of this, but growing up in South Central, after all that was against me, I triumphed. Not only did I get good grades, but I continued my passion of social activism. Going through this additional struggle only made me stronger and instilled in me a passion to help others in need. I would say that my strength and endurance helped me get through the storm, and its proof as to who I am: an individual who embody the willpower to accomplish goals no matter the obstacle. Due to the unwillingness to give up my dreams of permanent knowledge, I attest that I'm a formidable candidate who can bring a unique perspective and experience that will ad to both academic and social diversity."</p>

2

<p>You should refocus the essay. As-is you are using poverty as an excuse which–while true–is not a strong essay. Instead retool it into how how you overcame despite poverty and other stuff.</p>

<p>Although with that said I don’t think this topic is really appropriate for the prompt about an experience you are proud off. </p>

3

<p>Thanks. Honestly, my counselor told me to try and explain away my W’s, and so that’s what I attempted to do. Like I said, not to many people could be proud of this experience, but I personally see it as an accomplishment for me. Its hard for other people to see it, but I felt that I had to be honest. What’s a personal statement if its not personal? </p>

<p>But, you’re right in that it should’ve been more about overcoming as opposed to story telling, but I wasn’t too sure how to do it. </p>

<p>Whatever the outcome, I feel that telling this story is important because its my story.</p>

4

<p>Explain the Ws in the additional comments section instead. </p>

<p>A good personal statement is not about being honest or personal.
A good personal statement is about A) being an interesting read and B) getting the reader to like you enough that they want to meet you in person. </p>

5

<p>I see no reason why you shouldn’t discuss this as something you’re proud of. I think this would make for a much more compelling essay than the “when I won the swim meet/debate tournament/piano competition” and “when I got an A in my least favorite class” essays that many students will write. Just try not to sound defensive about your grades; make sure to focus on your hard work and academic redemption (so to speak). </p>