Breathing fresh air into this topic. Why? Some things have changed over the past couple of years - especially through COVID and in this post-pandemic era. The current Seniors had their last “normal” Spring term while they were Freshman. Please share advice, helpful hints, and supportive strategies for those “newbies” starting BS in the fall.
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Hoping to hear from friends on this thread with good advice and insights. I will throw the first kindling on the fire:
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Examine your expectations for boarding school! What do you expect the BS (no pun intended) experience to be like? Are those expectations based on something you saw, something you heard, some movie, some idealized version of teen life?
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What are the expectations you have for yourself? Really try to understand where the expectations are coming from? Are those your expectations, or are some coming from your parents?
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What are your expectations about academic life v social life?
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What are your parents’ expectations of you at boarding school?
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What are your parents’ expectations of the experience for you?
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What are YOUR expectations of your parents as you get launched into boarding school? How can they best support you as you move away from home, start a new school, and enter a new (often competitive) learning environment?
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Don’t be afraid of failure.
I’ve failed at quite a lot of things, in quite spectacular ways (like answering a question incorrectly in front of half of the school…while the answer was on the board behind me), but I’ve always told myself, “You’re in high school.” Your school is a place where you will make mistakes, but, more importantly, where you will learn how to deal with them and bounce back stronger.
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More helpful hints….
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Many of you will get a summer reading list in a few weeks. What’s more important than the list itself is the WHY those books are on it? Usually there is an author scheduled to show up. Some schools have an all-school read. Other English Departments might have a theme for the year and those books are aligned with it.
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The emphasis on the summer reading list will differ by school and teacher, but be prepared to discuss the books or theme of the books in class.
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Some schools will tell you who your roommate is in advance.
Others will not. You will find out upon move-in day. Prepare in advance for situations by imaging what you would do if……(insert potential disappointment or shock here).
Be prepared for any difficult situation - and there are some that most 14 year old kids are not ready for, especially if they have never lived away from home.
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Before your kiddo leaves their middle school or current school for the leafy campus of the new boarding school, remember to make sure the final transcript is in order. Our school never sent the final transcript ….but i had a copy of the unofficial on hand.
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Be prepared for situations that you might not be prepared for….
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“Sanctuary” or “Sanctuaried”. You might need to help a friend out - you might need to help a student in your dorm. You might need this, yourself.
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Be prepared for arrogant “coasters” who might be assigned to your group for a project, yet will not contribute.
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Students who are legacy or who have older siblings seem to have an advantage at our school
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There is more booze and vaping than you realize…also “dabbing”. Be prepared to make decisions that get you closer to your goal - I do not mean “popularity”
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Wow - waiting for others to join in the chat here…. 
….know you have experiences to share….
More of I wish I knew from my student’s conversations.
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I wish I knew how having a bad roommate can mess up your experience.
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I wish I knew how unhelpful and set-in-their ways BS’s are about thing related to your dorm life, class schedule, activities….that actually impact your overall wellbeing.
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I wish I knew how much lip service schools gave to “the whole student”, but really didn’t mean it.
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I wish I knew how much grade compression there was at DA.
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I wish I knew not to believe college advising that coaches really knew the different boarding schools and not to worry.
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I wish I knew how entitled and arrogant so many kids are at boarding schools.
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I wish I knew how many faculty members just coast because they have been there a while - or coast because they are really there to get free housing and other perks while they are really focusing on writing their novel.
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I wish I knew how much self-censorship went on (both ways).
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I wish I knew how much looks counted for you being recognized, valued, validated and rewarded by teachers - as well as students.
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I wish I knew how many students prefer to spend time gaming, watching porn, or on social media rather than having conversations.
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I wish I knew before entering how either ignorant or indifferent the faculty and HOS were about the students.
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I wish the trustees and HOS really knew what the student experience was like at this school - not just the experience that’s marketed in their online view books!
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Having one already at a BS (current junior) and the other starting at a different one in the fall, I’ll bite.
•Wish I knew as a parent that the level of adult interaction and supervision is nothing like it it was touted to be. This includes advisors and dorm parents. Mine is fine without it but it doesn’t mean she wouldn’t benefit from it. Being away from home for the first time at age 14-18, they need more holistic supervision.
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Gosh, @Golfgr8, if I had a list like that, I’d be regretting Choate every day. I really can’t recall anything specific that disappointed us, but we weren’t as aware of our son’s experience at the level you are of your daughter’s. My main regret is post-BS. If we’d known he was going to choose the military, I’m pretty sure we would have kept him home, but that’s not Choate’s fault. They did a fine job by him, and he has zero regrets.
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I think I am hung up on the “Wish I knew before” phrasing, because I don’t think there is anything I learned (good or bad) about high school that would have changed our decisions along the way. And we expected a lot of the negative stuff described - the entitlement, the drug use, etc. The one thing that doesn’t mesh with our experience is the complaint about teachers skating and not knowing the kids. Our kid felt very seen, and that with few exceptions his teachers were invested in him.
I do wish I could have known in advance how my kid was going to evolve while there - I would have taken him out of public school earlier if I knew how it was constraining him and how miserable he was. And I would have pushed for different ECs earlier.
We learned along the way to have open conversations with kiddo about what involvement he expected from us on various things like college apps, compared to what we expected. And when he wanted us to step in on struggles he was having. The answer was always as little as possible, and he would let us know when he needed something. We respected that line, which means we are probably clueless about the details of his experience.
The pandemic changed everything so drastically, but I don’t think that is fair to put on the school.
Like @ChoatieMom I don’t know as much of the day to day experiences kiddo had as @Golfgr8 knows about her daughter. Now I feel like I should debrief him when he gets home, regarding the issues listed.
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GolfGr8 speaks so much truth here, quite applicable to the boarding schools/kids/families/coaches we know.
Regarding college athletic recruitment - most coaches DO NOT CARE if a kid is a good student from a well-known boarding school. Coaches almost universally care about academic recruitability, talent, ability to get a positive “pre-read”, and/or a GPA/SAT that works for their Academic Index.
College coaches DO NOT GIVE A WHIT about the rigor of a high school - a 4.0 from “Northwest Samaritan High” is as good as a 4.0 from HADES. Coaches care only about winning, yield, and keeping their job. They are also frazzled, between juggling multiple jobs/side gigs/roles/constantly bailing out the team members who have disciplinary/academic issues in college.
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I believe COVID had a bigger impact on the experience than anything else…the last time my student had a “normal” year, was Freshman year. Many traditions were lost. Teachers seemed very burned-out at our school…still do. Many teachers have left (more than usual ) over the past couple of years. Some of leaving because their fac-brats are graduating, so they are moving on after getting the free tuition.
@ChoatieMom - I am not sure what to say other than I am authentically happy for you and your son that Choate was such a wonderful place for him. He did very well and went onto an amazing institution, as well as giving so much back through his career. However, boarding school now is different a decade after your son entered Choate (I am guessing he entered as a 14 year old). I also believe that while experiences are unique for each student, there were some bad twists in the road that happened at our school due to the change in the HOS and COVID. There needs to be some major house-cleaning up at Moose Meadow.
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I’ll say personally that while I’ve loved my time at this school (although, obviously, I’m not getting the whole residential experience), I certainly do have complaints and problems with the way Lawrenceville manages itself—maybe not as long as @golfgr8’s daughter’s list, but certainly somewhat extensive. I don’t think that liking one’s experience and having complaints/regrets are mutually exclusive.
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Best thing I have read all day.
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This seems true of many college AOs now too, IMO. Unhooked BS students this year found themselves competing head to head with all other students on mostly GPA and AP test scores in the so-called “holistic review” process. But holistic review did not seem to include looking at how rigorous BS is, how ALL of the kids at BS are high achieving and competing with each other, how there is not so much grade inflation, how BS students don’t have as much time for ECs and how some BSs do not follow AP curriculum. This seemed to have really hurt admissions for boarding students to competitive majors and strong public universities around the country. I expect the trend will continue, particularly with growing rejection of anything perceived as associated with privilege.
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I had to google that
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I could not agree with this more. While I knew the school dc picked was not the most nurturing by any means, I did not realize kids would be pretty much on their own, until they really screwed up that is. My 14 yo was definitely not quite ready and the freshman dorm in general was a ‘inmates are running the asylum place’. Most kids figured it out eventually but not without unnecessary missteps, and would definitely have better experience with a bit more proactive supervision.
Alas, the pandemic definitely made things worse, teachers have hands full with their own families and are keeping their distance, and in many instances families are stepping in to bridge the gap. With remote/hybrid work schedule way more families are on campus these days, most of the local boarder families are around a great deal, and even the far away families seem to have made it on campus quite a bit more. Heard lots of talk of renting apartments nearby or permanently claiming guest room with extended family or close friends in the area. All the games we attended had packed sidelines from both teams so I have to believe it is similar at other schools. From what I see parents are now as involved as they were at the local prep school my older dc attended, and this was not the case pre-pandemic. Whether it lasts long term is anyone’s guess.
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