Teacher burnout is real across the board, my teacher friends are reporting massive exodus in public and local private schools too. These days, it is just not a profession that gets any respect or support and the politics is very wearing even if you love the actual teaching (which is smaller part of the job every year). And at boarding school, they have much less opportunity to get away, long days as most teachers also coach after school, Saturdays, nights when you are on duty. Yes they get ‘free’ housing but it may not be as good of a deal as it once was.
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We are 7+ hours away but were able to attend some school events and games. I was looking for more “parental” type nurturing and relationship building at what we consider our child’s second home, and I do know from friends that some schools are better about this than others. At our daughter’s school it seems more that the high achieving, super involved or the ones struggling are the ones getting that adult attention with everyone in the middle just floating by. It’s not the experience anyone is paying for—I think we all expect connection—as simple as dorm parents hosting monthly events and one on one monthly meals or catch ups. I know it was impossible during Covid but this year should have been different.
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This is all very interesting, and scary for a parent just sending a kid in the fall!
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That my child is graduating school this year without a true friend (their words). My child remains much closer with hometown friends.
That the head of school makes an enormous difference - even at the largest boarding schools.
That high level athletics is quite challenging as a boarding student. In my child’s sport, the day students had an advantage because they could more easily attend local club team practices.
That the college counseling office was not accessible to parents and not helpful for my child. I was quite surprised at that.
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Thanks for sharing @familyrock. I feel sad reading about the disappointing college counseling and the experiences you mentioned (above).
For @maybeboardingmom and others reading this, I am sharing the experience we had and some of most common concerns that I have heard from parents at my kiddo’s school, as well as others from my CC friends. The boarding school experience changed at most schools during the past 4 years. College advising has changed. Recruiting changed “big time” due to COVID-related factors. Maybe it didn’t change if your kid was a top 15 ranked player before COVID and was already being “courted”. If you don’t believe me, ask the many parents and students who were edged out of offers at Wesleyan this past year.
Take the information we share and turn it into a plan of preparation and action for starting boarding school next fall. As I explained above, really take time to explore your expectations for the BS experience. Also, do get involved first month or term with some EC, council, association, alliance, publication, or other student group. Don’t worry - you are not married to it - just join to meet older students, faculty members, and students who might not be in your dorm. Don’t be afraid to try something new - that’s what this experience is for. Do set goals and figure out the people on campus who will support you in reaching your destination.
Finally, please remember that faculty love the mantra about wanting students to advocate for themselves. That is great and we all like that. However, there are certain situations were a parent’s help is needed to cultivate that advocacy.
Feel free to DM me for more questions.
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This is the case especially at the beginning when students do not know what to expect and how to get things done effectively, and do not have friends or mentors to advise them. One important thing is to watch the academics right off the bat. Most kids headed to BS were top students at their respective middle schools so they want to be in the highest level classes. But often this turns out to be detrimental to their success, because now they are surrounded by other high achieving kids. And at some schools close to third of the students may be repeating a grade, students may be coming from other countries with much more aggressive curriculum particularly in STEM and therefore far ahead. If there are warning signs that the placement is not right you want to act sooner rather than later, whether you choose to provide supports or move to a different class (or both). You want to understand the deadlines for doing so, and evaluate the situation while you still have all the options. If you wait till the parent conferences it is may be much too late to make the move, and your student may be stuck struggling for the entire year. While in theory some 14 yos can handle this, the reality is even college freshmen often can’t without some assistance.
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Thanks, @417WHB . You shared great advice!
Here are a few positive action items for you students to consider when entering boarding school in a few months:
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Like @417WHB, keep track of your academic performance from the get go. Schools have a drop-change period (usually lasting through the first 2 weeks of the term). It is there for a reason. Many students take advantage of this short window of opportunity to change a class due to a placement issue (eg wrong level of Arabic), scheduling problem (eg I can’t get to Physics class on time after having the glass-blowing class across campus), or this course is not what you wanted.
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Unfortunately, our school would not allow a kid to change out of a class because the teacher likes to yell
gives you the creeps (yep), tends to misplace your work, is sadistic (just a hypothetical), or is infamous for low-balling grades. If this happens, it is time to get creative! You might have to switch level of class - or even a language - just to avoid that teacher. Here is an extreme example that turned out for the good. Kiddo had a bad foreign language teacher and was so miserable didn’t want to have her again. But, school would not allow a switch just because you don’t like a teacher. Kiddo learned the only way to avoid this witch was by starting Arabic - and loved it. So, a bad situation was turned into a great opportunity. Ditto with math - you might have to be strategic to avoid teachers and push yourself to do an AP or high level class to get of being with Mr 89. You will thank me later when you’re applying to college and worried about your GPA. -
Do attend office hours! They are there for a reason. I have shared this many times over the past few years, so excuse me for repeating it. There are some teachers that write test items that cover concepts only covered during office hours (this happened in Physics and Econ). Going to office hours is not like in middle school. The smart and strategic students at BS take advantage of this time. Here is another reason why……(keep reading)
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It is your responsibility to get feedback from the teacher and keep track of how your doing. Props to @417WHB for bringing it up. It was our kiddo’s experience that there was very little feedback in classes, except in Math (due to the high volume of tests). In English, the teachers rarely returned a paper within 3 or 4 weeks of submission. One year, the teacher NEVER returned a paper or gave you a grade until midterms. Yep, they might write “Excellent” on top or “Good Work” and then you are messed up by a low grade which you didn’t think was coming. You have to advocate for yourself and say something like this: “Mr/Ms 89 - I really like your class (“act”) and want you to know how engaged I am with the readings. I take responsibility for how I learn and know that I learn best with more feedback. I need to know how I’m doing and what specific things you are looking for in my work”. Make it sound convincing.
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Be prepared for not getting a lot of personal feedback like you may have received in middle school
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Be prepared for as much as 1/3 of your freshman or sophomore class to be repeats - like stated above.
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So, with so many things that folks wish they knew…
Would you not send your child to BS if you did know it at that time?
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This is the question. Oh, and full tuition for newbies is due on June 1 so no pressure. 
I think this is the million-dollar question! And I am very eager to hear the answers!
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As usual, excellent points by @GolfGr8.
However, I don’t think boarding schools have a monopoly on these potential pitfalls, as they apply, to various degrees, to most types of high schools - private, public, parochial, boarding.
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This is not universal.
Just an observation.
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Agree with @stalecookies – I still trip over old work from BS and am always awed by how much feedback there was. Not just “good point” or "weak transition " comments but ones that were really thoughtful and thought-provoking.
I will say that as a parent of a day student, there were lots of folks looking out for boarders, from dorm parents to advisors to teachers and coaches, but there was an assumption that parents were doing this for their day student kids. Yet the system was such that my kid lived at school and only slept at home and I was pretty much in the dark about most of his life! A bit of a black hole. I hadn’t been prepared for that level of disintermediation by the school, which clearly wanted all the kids to be having a similar experience regardless of where they slept. It all worked out fine in the end, but I really felt they could have done a better job with that cohort.
Editted to add that I would do it again in heartbeat. My kid was happy with the experience, both at the time and looking back, and I love the person he became there.
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My senior answers yes to this.
My next child starts the boarding school journey this fall (at a different school - he didn’t apply to his sibling’s).
The choice was not mine to make.
Although my input (which favored local schooling) was considered during family discussions, the decisions to attend BS were entirely child driven.
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Love it! Exact same answer for me.
The choice was theirs for both of my kids. I ask them every March (before making the deposit) if they want to go back next year. They know they have great local public and private school options, but they never hesitate to go back to their BS.
Both of my kids love their school. They know its not all rainbows and butterflies, but it has shaped them in ways that our local schools never could.
I see the advantages/disadvantages of BS and local options. I don’t personally have a preference or believe one is better than another. Financial considerations aside (which is not a small consideration), the best option depends on the kid.
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I have 2 kids in 2 very different boarding schools. DS1 is a senior boarder at Mercersburg and graduates tomorrow. DS2 is a day student at a local BS which rarely gets mentioned on CC. DS2’s school has an overall endowment of $20 million, about 50% day students, and a boarding population that is largely kids from mainland China.
Both of my kids would agree that they would still go to BS despite the changes due to Covid. We’re found the faculty to be engaged (although exhausted at times) at both schools. Both of my kids have strong friendship circles. We have no regrets.
That being said, the difference between Covid protocols in the two schools was significant. During the 2020-2021 year, prior to vaccine availability, the schools protocols and schedules were similar. However, that changed for the 2021-2022 school year, even though both communities were fully vaccinated by requirement of the schools.
DS1 was tested for Covid on a weekly basis from September 2020 - May 2022. Somehow, he never tested positive, which is a blessing. Testing positive would have meant 10 -14 days at home, no matter the time of year (even as recently as this month). Since there were no online classes offered during this academic year, kids who were sent home were basically SOL in terms of lecture material during their absence. They could get their assignments on Canvas, but if you needed help with material you essentially had to hire and pay for a remote tutor. As a parent, I worried each week that my kid would be sent home with a positive test and would have to navigate his high level classes with virtually no support from the school.
Since Mercersburg tested kids so often, they had times when they had outbreaks at school, including one recently, that essentially threw everyone into panic mode. Before Thanksgiving and Christmas, they encouraged kids to leave campus early to help stymie the spread. Leading up to graduation weekend, seniors were terrified that they would be sent home and not be able to particulate in graduation. Needless to say, its been stressful for many.
DS2’s school did no such weekly testing this academic year (and really did not do widespread testing in 2020-2021.) They simply do not have the funds to do so. They tested boarders when they were sick, and if day students had symptoms, they had to find a test at home. At no time was there as significant outbreak at DS2’s school. The most cases they had at one time was about 12. Were they missing asymptomatic cases bc they did not do weekly pool testing? Probably. Did their lack of testing cause a major, negative effect? No. I feel like their handling of Covid shows that in a fully vaccinated community, you can live with Covid and not cause anxiety and panic among students and faculty with overzealous testing protocols.
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Going to BS was the decision of our student. The answer from our student was “yes” but according to our kiddo, it would have been a better transition to have had more inside information (like what I have shared with you all), better preparedness for the social scene, knowing someone there (like so many kids do at our school), and/or having had a parent or older sibling that had attended.
What I have also heard over the years from parents with kids at several schools is that BS can be a very different experience for boys vs. girls.
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And very different from schools to school as,well.
Anecdotally, there are quite a few that much trickier social dynamics than others. If you are in the crowd that dominates at one of these schools, you are likely to report much greater satisfying than if you are not. Really, a ymmv scenario!
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One thing I wasn’t expecting was thoughtless, self centered day parents who were upset during COVID that boarding students had greater access to the campus than day students when campus started to reopen after lockdown. Hello: boarding students live on campus, have some compassion. The school is home for some of those boarding students, and under mandatory masking mandates those kids have to wear masks even in their own home.
I didn’t realize the political importance of being the majority parent group. When you have less than 50% boarding, the day parents can be rather… oblivious to boarding issues. Parental engagement should extend to parents who are not in driving distance or who cannot easily participate in person. And while the administration may “get” that, some active day parents do not: the one time I showed up at an in person on campus event, no parent from my kid’s year spared me the time of day. (People not in my kid’s year and other boarding parents were kinder and inclusive.)
I understand your concerns here, but as a day student who suffered through significant social isolation last year due to certain protocols (namely, the banning of day students from entering the Houses, which are the primary social spaces at Lawrenceville; I had many moments when I literally had to sit alone on a freezing porch while watching my friends play pool or ping-pong together through a window I was directly outside), it really feels horrible to be partially or completely excluded from a community that you’re purportedly a part of based on restrictions that often make little to no sense.
Going back to the main topic on hand, I’ve recently been thinking a lot about the “grind culture” that’s so prevalent on this campus; most people I know feel pressured, if not obligated, to constantly overextended themselves in order to feel accomplished and gain leadership. I have an activity that I’ve literally been participating in since freshman fall, but as I’ve gone on through my time here, I’ve gotten so obsessed with just…well, doing it that I’ve ended up losing my enjoyment. I think that, in a way, banding so many ambitious people together, especially at such a young age, kind of steals away your opportunity to live a “normal” teenagehood—I’ve spent so much time in high school just grinding away not just because of college admissions, but because it’s just “the thing” to do here, and you feel behind if you’re not in it.
Of course, it is partially my fault for falling into “the trap,” but at the same time, I think there’s a lot of discussion to be had about the consequences of spending four years in a place where such intense competition is so normalized. And what’s the end goal of all of this? Spending another four years in another institution which will probably have the same sort of culture (for all we say about matriculation here, the “prep” in prep school still does refer to college)—and then working in some sort of ultra-grindy profession for the rest of your life.
This turned into a really long rant, but I think I just needed to let this out. Good luck, future students!
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