You were very much not alone in this, trust me. The explicit exclusion at our school was brutal for day students at our school.
2 Likes
You write effectively and beautifully. Your school certainly did well for you in this way!
3 Likes
This. I wish I knew how easy it would be for Kiddo1 to fall into “the trap”. We remind her on a constant basis that we are incredibly proud of who she is, and what she has accomplished but that our end goal for her is simply to be happy. We want her to participate in activities because she enjoys them, and we want her to go to a college that fits her best, not one that has the best name. And yet she calls home stressed that she may get her first B+, which (in her mind) could eliminate her chance of being in the Cum Laude society, and getting into a good college. She feels she has no free time, but then signs up for another leadership opportunity because it will look good on her college application. She is so happy there, but we wish there was more work/play/relax balance on campus.
3 Likes
That has been our experience so far too. Having one start BS as a repeat Junior and after being in a Blue Ribbon public school, and having a 9th grader currently in that same public school, I am amazed at the wonderful comments and feedback from BS teachers. Yes her grades went down, and she is putting in more effort. But she has become a much better writer, and a more engaged student, is loving classes that are not offered here, has become more confident, and self-advocating (ex. already had AP Calc AB, that she taught herself online, tested into BC but after the first day decided she did not have the background knowledge to succeed in that class, nor was it necessary. She wanted to take AP Stats her senior year, so after being told she couldn’t drop the math because she had to take math in 11th -despite repeating 11th- got the school to back down and she was allowed to drop. Typically I would not be in favor of not taking a math class, but she will still graduate with an AP calc and AP stats.)
My kiddo at public school has worksheet after worksheet, no feedback or comments on English assignments, hasn’t had to write anything beyond a couple paragraph essay, has a math teacher who can’t explain anything in a different way if you go for extra help. It is night and day. I wish kiddo number 2 had gotten into kiddo 1’s school and not waitlisted.
2 Likes
Yes a million times. Covid protocols at groton were absolutely brutal for day students. Totally changed the social dynamic and ruined my kids social life. It was super sad and something I’m still furious about.
Yes the boarders “had” to wear masks in their home but at least they got to be with their friends. The isolation for day students was sheer misery at points.
3 Likes
Things I wish I knew (although some of these I suspected and was ok with):
- THERE IS NO SUPERVISION AT BOARDING SCHOOL.
I really want parents to understand this. If your child wants to go off into the woods to have sex or drink or do drugs there is almost zero chance a faculty member will stop them. I think parents don’t get this.
The part I was a bit sad about is that there is zero social supervision/help either. If your kid is shy and has a hard time making friends I thought “we’ll that’s what a dorm parent is for”. The dorm parents have their own kids, they are not parenting your kids in the dorm. They are there to make sure….actually I’m not sure what they do.
-
The pressure around Ivy League admission being the only admissions is crushing. It’s also sad because the other BS kids are all double Ivy legacy so good luck with that if your kid isnt a top recruited athlete or an Ivy legacy or in the top ten. Other than that you’d need to be crazy randomly lucky.
-
For the most part the groton teachers have been wonderful and amazing. Some of them are the kind of once in a lifetime teacher that you dream about and my kid has had several. The best part is that that once in a lifetime teacher might also take your kid fishing or be your kids coach. I’ve seen no burnout or lessening of teaching greatness at groton.
-
Covid dictatorship is out of control. The people who think they’re following the science and have gone so off track that it’s absurd abound at groton.
8 Likes
Great advice on course placement. Unbeknownst to us our daughter spent too much time to do well, which placed her into higher courses than she could handle at BS in our opinion. The school pushed us to keep all of the higher level courses and suggested summer enrichment to support that. She wanted to go that route but we took a firm stand with two of the placements and probably should have with a third because she ended up dropping from one honors course after doing poorly on the first two quizzes. The teacher surprisingly wanted her to stay there but our daughter realized it was more than she could handle, and initially even struggled in the standard level version. She worked hard and finished strong.
We encouraged our second child to not strive for perfection on his placements, but it’s a different school, too. Regardless, we’ll be on top of it too.
As for parental involvement, I agree that we send them to BS for independence and self-advocacy but I’m not sure how anyone thinks most 14-18 yo starting a new experience, living away from home without parental support can do that immediately with success? Unless the school has a big support system with lots of check ins and guidance parents need to stay involved or at least aware. Not every teacher, advisor or coach knows your child’s personal, academic or athletic background, achievements or future goals, so if your student seems like they’re ok with a C or playing on the lowest team or a class clown that can quickly be how they’re perceived. But we all know most BS students are not that kid, so they need help advocating and demonstrating that they care and/or want more. That goes back to my comment on attention going to the highest achievers and those struggling. Parents of kids on the middle need to stay on top of things even—could mean guiding your child, meeting with your child’s advisor to come up with a path and plan for success.
Side note: I remember an AO told my daughter she’d have an advantage in adjusting because she’d traveled independently a good bit for her sport. She shared that it often takes kids a semester or even that first year to find their place in their school and get into their groove. So even for high achievers they’re going to need some grace and lots of love and support from home!
2 Likes
The part about the lack of a true friend makes me sad. My daughter is very outgoing so she has made several close friends in her first two years. But my son is more reserved. He’s a good student and strong athlete and a funny, likable kid yet he also can be reserved initially. He has a best friend from home already at another BS and they’re part of a close group of guys/girls who have grown up together. I worry he won’t make those same true friends at BS. Was your son still happy with his BS experience? I’m guessing he had friends to dine, socialize and live with just no deep connections? This is maybe my biggest worry for my son. 
Any thoughts or advice from your son or you? Thanks and congratulations on his graduation!
1 Like
I sent you a PM.
2 Likes
There are opportunities to make friends through EC’s, sports, clubs, and performing arts. Take advantage of these opportunities.
Also, it’s helpful to make friends with older students. They can provide useful information and guidance.
Do not limit yourself to one friend group.
2 Likes
1000%. While I know I did complain about being isolated last year in an earlier post, it also forced me to branch out and talk to a far larger variety of people, and I’m now very happy and have a large “network” on campus. Locking yourself into one small group of people essentially handicaps your social life.
5 Likes
I wish I had prepared my kid for the classism that still very much exists at some schools. Like ours. While this is not as overt as the Family Guy episode No Chris left behind.mov - YouTube is more covert and more evidenced by a) social media posts b) “where is it you summer?”, or “we went to JBS (or Buckley, SO we’ve know each other for year”, or Brunswick) and “we grew up spending summers at Maidstone….the parents do this too.
1 Like
I think making friends is much easier in social situations than in structured activities, be it classes, sports, clubs etc. For my kid at least real friends were made from hanging out, which was very limited during covid and is just finally back now. So I would advise to just say yes to any social invitations for a while. Yes there may be elements you may not care for, but you can absolutely go out and not drink or vape etc even if some others do. And eventually find likeminded kids you are on the same page with (and even SO if so inclined, a ton of kids are in relationships).
1 Like
As for sending my kid again, like others it was not my choice, and kid still thinks they would go again. I do believe he would have been much happier in a good suburban school with great sports and not so crazy academics. The grind is soul sucking much of the time, with no meaningful reward. But our older one is a classic city kid who would have hated the burbs, and we would not have loved the commute back then. Ironically now we are working from home much of the time, so moving would be the best option. And funnily enough the parents of two of his friends have moved/are moving close to the school.
1 Like
I had no idea how hard it would be to leave on graduation afternoon.
After packing up the car, I walked back into my daughter’s dorm and found her sitting on her stripped bed in a completely empty room sobbing because it was over - and felt like only 10 minutes had passed since we dropped her off in August to that very room full of hope for an amazing senior year. This was right up there with some of the tougher parenting moments I’ve had. I, myself, wept that night in the shower; I am incredibly sad it is over, as BS has been such a prominent part of our weekly lives for almost 8 years.
Has it ALL been unicorns and rainbows? No. But I am an optimist and truly believe in my heart of hearts that the actions and decisions our school makes are done with the best of intentions. And, thus, we would absolutely do it all over again. Without hesitation.
Best of luck to everyone starting this journey.
15 Likes
For my kid, I feel like MB was like an undergrad experience, where (besides him learning how to be a good student) I learned to trust him and and he proved himself capable. He is more dispassionate than most, so leaving campus was somewhat perfunctory but still a huge part of who he is. I have to say at the end of it, I didn’t realize how much work it would be for him. Besides academics, keeping himself somewhat tidy and clean and being where he was supposed to be in a packed schedule, it was a lot of work. When we finally got home, he was unpacking and showed me one of his fitted sheets that was completely shredded and asked if he should toss it. Of course I was shocked about the state of the sheet, but then realizing how much else he was juggling on his own it seemed reasonable. He has had the benefit of teachers, coaches and other adults who cheered him on, some really amazing teachers (and some less so), a beautiful campus where he could safely learn to be independent from parents, a smallish but close group of friends and learning that making the right choices will work out (or at least keep him from getting in trouble). The things I do wish I had known boil down to one thing - how starting at Latin I would have been much better for his GPA than Latin IIIH and it didn’t make a difference what level he started at for college applications. That being said, he is probably going to be life long friends with the Latin teacher so there were advantages with the Latin teacher cheering my son on at every turn. As for wishing adults had been more involved, it depends on the advisor I guess. My son’s senior year advisor was relatively hands off, but the 9th grade one was totally on top of him all the time. I’m sure this happened for a reason (since he was a 9th grader) and even I had to reassure her when she called to ask if my son had a winter coat since he seemed to be walking around campus in winter with not enough clothing. I assured her that he did have a coat, but was not electing to wear it, but that I appreciated her concern. I did then tell my son to wear a long sleeved shirt or light jacket when walking around outside so that people who cared about him wouldn’t worry about him. He agreed and as the community got to know him better, it became a moot point. So, I guess this is the long way to agree with @hellomaisy for this kid. My other kid has more complaints, but is also more vocal and puts a lot of pressure on herself so we will see how that turns out.
I can’t believe that we did it! it was a huge amount of work for our/the kids!
4 Likes
I believe there will be many shake ups and departures over the next 2 years from boarding schools. IMHO there is burnout still lingering from the COVID policies and experiences, as well as a different set of expectations that faculty have now. I believe staffing issues will be a challenge at some schools.
There are some schools that give lip service to wanting to educate the whole person and help students achieve a healthy balance. Certain schools actually are the opposite (even though they tell parents otherwise). It depends who you get for an advisor and who the deans are. No, I am not talking about entitled kids who need attention or want special exclusions, or treatment.
If you are an unhooked kid from a middle class family, not a star athlete and maybe from the middle of the America or even overseas, it can be easy to “get lost” or overlooked at some schools. It seems like the legacy kids, top athletes getting recruited, and fac brats kids more attention. There were kids who definitely struggled….we would hear deans with the mantra “Well, your kid needs to advocate for themselves”……I guess that doesn’t work too well, given the number of kids who need help and/or leave school. I also believe that some schools should increase the number of counselors (not peer counselors) or psychologists who can address alcohol abuse and eating disorders.
There is a lot more pot and alcohol use than we imagined (call us naive). Also more eating disorders among girls (we hear). More daily alcohol use and dangerous use (blacking out). Vaping after sporting events was common among certain athletes/teams….but faculty was clueless.
Basically…faculty were either indifferent or ignorant when it came to some serious stuff. Even when they were informed or when stupid kids posted their behavior on social media, faculty didn’t care. Hey, some people like it that way 
Remember - there are still kids that are in your BS who got there because they were too much trouble at home. There are people who will not share your value set, either. Learn to not waste your time with those who do not share your value set or who do not value your friendship.
Finally - thanks to the boys who posted the photo with the girls lax coach from a certain HADESCL school they partied with 
in the Bahamas. It was a great way to end 4 years. Hey, if it’s on social media - don’t expect it to be private!
5 Likes
I can’t get over how different your experience with boarding school was than ours.
I am fascinated, really, and am curious how much of what you are describing is an East Coast (old money, traditional, etc) v West Coast thing. Or just a school v school thing.
To be clear, I am not saying Cate is perfect - it isn’t. It definitely grapples with similar issues, but maybe the divide between the haves and have nots is not so stark, and the teacher indifference/burnout isn’t as pronounced? Few schools are in the same league as Deerfield for having the combo of so many uber-wealthy students and long-standing traditional culture that attracts and reinforces their privilege.
I am also not saying Deerfield isn’t a wonderful school overall. It just seems to me that the schools aren’t as interchangeable as their websites might lead people to believe. I think of Deerfield as one end of the traditional East Coast vibe spectrum and maybe George or Mercerberg is at the other end, so maybe the problems you describe are more entrenched and visible at Deerfield? I am just musing here.
Because I have such limited exposure to East Coast schools, these days I have no idea where Andover, Exeter, Groton, St Paul’s, Choate, Hotchkiss, Milton, NMH, Lawrenceville etc fall on the “traditional” spectrum. I sense that some schools have recently moved away from that traditional vibe to a more collaborative student wellness focus. Curious what people’s perception of that spectrum is, but I can believe Deerfield would have a lot more friction over those kinds of changes.
Fwiw, right now Cate administration seems all in on student wellness and addressing DEI issues in particular. I don’t think it is unique that way. The boarding school marketplace has changed a lot in the past 5 years since we were looking at schools. Still, it will be very telling who they hire as the new Head of School.
7 Likes
Thanks for your comments and insights @CateCAParent - I believe each school (even HADES) has its own unique bent (or not). There tends to be a lot of indifference or ignoring of behaviors, as well as problems, at some schools. A close friend works in the counseling office of a school often mentioned here - the amount of drinking and vaping (dabbing) has increased over the past few years. IMHO, if kids are engaged in a lot of drinking, drugs, and hook-ups in dorm rooms (not just in the usual sneak-off places) there is not enough for them to do or they are too stressed out.
There are some schools that seem to be more responsive to the changing needs of today’s students. Your school seems to be one of them. Our expectations did not align with reality….what our kid did get was a great experience in understanding what is really important to them, defining their value set, learning how to save someone choking on their vomit, learning that making the right & honorable choice does not always mean you will feel good, learning that adults-administrators can’t always be trusted, learning that people that seem to have everything can be very jealous, and when you think you may be missing out on fun - it’s what is usually the type of fun that is not fun to you.
All good lessons to learn, so I believe DA was an excellent college-prep experience.
Like they say “Be yourself - everyone else is taken”. That has two meanings at some boarding schools.
2 Likes
I am thinking that some school administrators are in the “teens will be teens” camp, not realizing that these teens are in a different world than the one that existed 10 years ago. Heck 5 years ago. The hook ups, the drugs, drinking, etc is a symptom of the extraordinary existential stress these kids are under. If the kids aren’t looking out for each other, then the world is a much riskier place. I am not sure many adults (parents and school administrators) are savvy or willing enough to see how different things really are.
To the extent Cate is ahead of the curve on adding wellness into its school culture, I credit the students more than the faculty and staff (though to be fair, the admin did a study back 4 years ago that hinted that there was a problem). They sounded a siren last year that the “kids weren’t alright”. The admin listened and made some positive moves (more counselors, more DEI staff, building a wellness center, etc). But the students - the seniors in particular- stepped up to create a revitalized student culture they wanted. If you ask the student leadership, and the campus adults, too, those kids put more work into rebuilding and refreshing the community than they did on their schoolwork. And that’s saying something. It is still a work in progress, but dang, those kids are impressive.
Makes me feel like there’s hope for all of us if these are our future leaders.
4 Likes