I am going to have to go back and rewatch all of the various admissions videos to try and convince myself again that BS is a good idea!
(But, truthfully, many thanks for the sober and candid feedback. Best to be going in eyes wide open I suppose).
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I think some schools right now are having a little identity crisis/meltdown. A friend of mine interviewed for a teaching position at Deerfield and had lunch with a group of students of color. They warned the teacher that DA is not the place to feel comfortable as a poc. I was super surprised, you’d think students would want more teachers in their corner but I guess the students were being honest.
I’d say groton is also trending toward crisis, just from a different angle.
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People can experience the same school in very different ways. I’ve had 3 kids in 2 boarding schools and I am happy I can say their experiences were overwhelmingly positive (of course, not 100%, nothing is).
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I am not sure this is true. I have several friends who went to boarding schools (HADES kind) and the parents of my kid’s friends who are alumni and they all say things were much wilder back in the day and the oversight was even more limited. Now there is definitely more pot around now than ever before since it is legal and everywhere, but I don’t think this is a boarding school problem as much as society problem. I have not heard much if anything about hard drugs at our school, by and large it is all pot or vaping. While kids sneak alcohol to the dorms for sure and nobody is searching the dorms unless they end up being visibly drunk, there is not any more drinking on our campus than kids at any local HS do. The massive drinking is almost always off campus, underwritten by parents. And so you as a parent largely know and are okay with it. I mean, they buy kids tickets to spring break or long weekend trips that are drunkfests, or rent kids Airbnb or let them use their country house for a weekend and joke about it. As for hook ups, I am sure they happen but again not a ton. Actually, I am shocked how many kids at our boarding school are in long term relationships (year plus for a lot of them). Quite different from my older kid at day school, while a bunch of them dated long term relationships pre college were pretty rare. But I think part of the difference is how much older are the boarding school kids, so many are already legal adults as juniors, and by senior year it seems like the majority are. The grade is easily a year older, so they act like college kids in many ways. But of course not all kids are that old or act like this, we have a solid nerdy crowd with minimal social activities and lots of kids somewhere in between. If your kid is not into the fast crowd party stuff there will be plenty of others like them.
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Oh for sure things now are not like the go go 80’s!
I was more referring to the level of stress and reasons for the stress being very different than back in the day. The reactions to it are qualitatively different, more than quantitatively. I don’t think the drug use is more. I agree it is probably less. More weed and vaping, some drinking, not so much the harder drugs. Except maybe ritalin/adderall. I don’t think it’s different in boarding school than anywhere else.
Blows my mind what parents are willing to sponsor party-wise.
I can’t speak too much to whether long term relationships are more of a thing now, but there are definitely a notable number of them. But I have also heard concerns about the hook up culture being alive and well - everywhere, not specific to boarding schools.
The age thing is an interesting point. I don’t think California schools have the same age spread - no PGs or sports recruiting to feed it. I don’t think there are as much repeating of grades, either, but there’s plenty of red-shirting in kindergarten, though. I may not see age play into it, though it may be a factor maybe in the East Coast v West Coast vibe I wonder about?
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We have seen the drinking steadily increase over 4 years - among all grades. It was our experience that the school did breathalyzer testing at a couple of dances and then that was it. One of the HADES schools kicked out 10 kids (or more) this term for drinking.
Consistent with what you wrote, our kid did not know/see of any hard drugs on campus….even though this is something known at the high school back home. There was quite a bit of pot use and dabbing (high potency) in dorms that was largely ignored or unnoticed. Kids were creative with hook-ups - hooking up during free periods in the dorms or at lunch when the dorm parents were at their “day jobs”. There seems to be more hooking up with the local crowd back home, however.
The parties during spring breaks, vacations, and post grad are booze & pot fests are now well known on social media. Hey - even one HADES coach got into the party scene with some lax boys in the Bahamas 
If you don’t want people to know, then don’t post it to social media or don’t get so out of control that other people will post it.
As @417WHB mentioned the vacation party scene seems to be supported by the parents who rent out houses, hotel rooms, or boats in the Bahamas or other hot vacation spots. This is for kids who parents have $$$ or for kids whose friends have parents with $$. There are also parents who buy houses near school that become a party house. Some parents pretend not to know what is going on and others just don’t care…until someone gets hurt.
Depends on the school….depends on the year, also. If there is not enough to do on weekends or at night on weekends, kids will find their own entertainment. Sports is not enough for entertainment. If you go to school way out in the country, I think there is more home-grown entertainment at night.
The not having enough to do was a big deal especially during peak covid when kids could not leave campus and social activities were severely curbed. For a while, kids were not even allowed to visit friends in other dorms. That definitely escalated the drinking in the woods, pot, vaping, and sex. Our school never did breathalyzer or drug testing unless there was suspicion (erratic behavior) as far as I know, but I am not sure I would have wanted them to. My kid said things were much better this spring when things felt pretty normal again, and other parents heard similar from their kids, so fingers crossed that is mostly in the rear view mirror now.
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What do you mean when you say Groton is trending toward crisis?
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@one1ofeach as a current Groton parent with a child still there, I’m curious too! According to many of your past posts, your son must have just celebrated Prize Day. Best of luck and hope he is happy with his future prospects, seems like the class of ‘22 did very well!
What is the crisis you refer to?
60s/70s/80s - at times, it was like Animal House.
Watch 60 Minutes on the sale of cocaine at Choate - The Preppie Connection.
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A headmaster who is absolutely dead set on one course of action and refuses to take student input. His speech at prize day was a heartbreaking let down. The kids at groton have been under Covid lockdown for two full years with no break. There have been multiple incidents at the school that shows that their mental health is suffering greatly and he simply tells them they should be grateful. Grateful that two years ago he kept the school open. Everyone acknowledges that groton opening was amazing but two years later, with none of the things that make
Groton livable coming back, the kids only have the extreme stress of the school. My son has witnessed some pretty extreme outbursts and a possible suicide attempt. When you tell kids who are struggling “you are being ungrateful” I think it’s a dangerous message.
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Life at boarding school was different in the 1970’s…I knew 3 boys who attended Deerfield at the time. There are some interesting differences between now and then. Deerfield was all boys during those decades.
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The drinking age was 18. Interestingly, the drinking was not done in secret or with the type of binging we hear of now. They boys I knew told of going out to dinner and could get a pitcher of beer for $5 with pizza in Greenfield. Did the Uppers by booze for the youngin’s? You bet. Was there pot? Yep. Was there coca-loca ? A bit, but mostly among the rich kids or those with foreign connections (see article above).
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I posted on a different thread back in 2018 (I think) an article I found from The Crimson about pot use at PEA/PA (?) back in the 1960’s.
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A few years ago, we took our kiddo to the DA library to look at yearbooks from the 70’s…you can see photos with boys smoking with beer cans in hand. It was fun to look at BS life during another era.
There are some things missing in our kids’ experiences that we had in high school, however.
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I am not oblivious to what happens at our BS, but I also don’t believe things are any worse now at BSs than in decades past.
You find what you look for. In the decades past, there was very little communication with your child and the school. You had to dial the school on your rotary phone and hope someone answered. Or send a letter and wait at least a week for the response. You maybe talked to your kid every couple weeks (if you were a 70s snow plow parent). Cell phones, email, Zoom, social media, etc., etc. now allow near constant communication. And if one leverages those tools and looks…they will find hook-up culture, drinking, drugs, etc., etc. It was there decades ago too…and the students from those times have made that clear.
As for the pressures that kids are under now, compared to then…
COVID has undoubtedly been a disruption, but it was a disruption of a steady state that was far better than decades past. Social injustice of today does not hold a candle to the decades of the civil rights movement. Real stress is being a young adult (or nearly so) and watching the Vietnam war unfold, while young men are being drafted.
BS is not for everyone and has little oversight…then and now. BS parents assume the risk of whether their kids will succeed or fail in that environment. I don’t fault the schools. Parents need to read the label and know what they are buying.
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This is such excellent advice – for life, as well as boarding school.
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Totally agree with almost everything in your post. Yet, while I don’t expect there to be a draft here any time soon, there is a lot of unrest these kids are watching unfold that does impact them directly. Korea has mandatory service requirements that impact bs students and their friends. Ergo the draft is a topic of conversation. With Ukraine among so many other global, national and local issues, there are plenty of external forces to stress these kids out.
The incessant social media drum beat, let alone the sheer number of varied stressors, makes how students experience the stressors very different than times past. And yes, we aren’t living under Jim Crow laws, but there are significant social justice issues that weigh heavily - look no further than Buffalo, Uvalde, Roe, January 6 and voter suppression. An uncertain economic future and environmental impacts don’t make things any easier.
I don’t think now v Vietnam era is an apples to apples comparison. But these problems aren’t so much about the bs experience, just about the 18 year old’s experience overall. I personally think bs makes managing these things easier.
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Kent State shootings, UT Austin gunman (and many more such examples), decades of obstetricians being gunned down outside of their clinics, etc., etc. The difference (as you suggest) is that back then we all had limited (and the same) info about it, usually from Dan Rather at 5pm each night.
And “voter suppression” is a political opinion.
Getting back to the title of this thread…if parents are combing through this thread and deciding whether or not to SEND their kid to BS based on what they find, then they should not do so. If they are willing to trust that they’ve instilled the values and skills in their kid that makes them likely to succeed in a college-like environment, without micromanagement, then they should SUPPORT their child’s decision to go to BS.
Lastly, on the topic of drinking, drug use and hooking up…such things do not equate to failure at BS. I’m sorry, but most of my kids’ friends who use drugs, drink, and hook-up are extremely successful…by all measures (happiness, academics, etc.). These are incredibly bright teenagers and for most it is just an experimentation phase (like the generations that preceded them). Yes, some will fall prey…but that would have likely happened at their local HS or in college. That’s not BS’s fault.
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We can agree to disagree about that. Point is, it (as just one example of many falling in the category of social justice issues) is a topic taking up space in many teens’ brains, along with many other issues.
But back on point of the thread - the decision about sending a kid to boarding school shouldn’t be driven by the existence of drugs, hook up culture, etc on campuses. They exist everywhere. But there are schools - bs, public, day - that are pressure cookers. Know your kid. Know what they need to thrive. Do your research. If you have the luxury of choice, choose wisely based on your kid. How much independence is there? Is the culture hospitable to kids like them? Etc.
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What I wish I knew?
I wish that I had DM’d people earlier on this board to get the backstory or real story behind posts.
I wish people were less afraid to post publicly what is really going on or what they really think. I have heard from many parents over the past several years on here important information via DM’s - I wish they would have felt comfortable to have shared on the open forum.
I wish someone had told me the questions to ask about BS and what “BS” to look for about BS.
I wish I knew how “pegged” some kids are from the start by their looks, where they are from, their socio-economic status….I naively thought the BS kids and faculty were above that….it is probably reflective of the school.
I wish I knew how different schools have very different experiences for girls v boys. See article “Better Dead Than Co-Ed” article Jan 1, 2019 Boston Globe.
I wish I had found more people like the parent I have tried to be to others in providing information, support, and advice.
I wish people would DM me even though my kiddo is now graduated - happy to share honest information that is not all bad and not all good.
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This isn’t really a “wish I knew” but my son was lucky enough to “know” other kids who applied/were at some boarding schools and I trusted him when he told me he wasn’t interested in certain schools. I didn’t push him to tell me why (maybe I should have but it wouldn’t have changed anything for us) as he was driving this process and we empowered him to find his own way (with our support and guidance). In hindsight, I think he know a lot of what you are referring to about some of the schools and luckily was able to find the right place for him. I know many families don’t have access to other BS kids/families though. My point is, kids know a lot - trust what they say as they are less “filtered”.
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I think that at least personally, I prefer saying such things in private messages because I know what I say is less likely to be taken out of context; there’s usually more of a clear intent present within a DM than there would be on a public forum.
Additionally, many of my grievances with my school are very specific to just me, and I’d rather not present my experiences as gospel.
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