<p>Nope! They are refreshingly grateful about all the ops we've provided over the years. :) The secret? We had so little money when they were little, (both Mom and Dad in grad school, and then we had very modest paying jobs), and enjoying life with minimal expenditure was a focus. We packed picnics, drank "earth juice" (water), made all our own food, cut our own hair, shopped exclusively at garage sales, attended only free/low cost events, camped when we traveled; all without feeling the least big deprived. Both kids have an awareness of what things cost, and the value of that, without being preoccupied with it. Now we are more comfortable financially, but, thank goodness, their early experiences have stayed with them. Also, they know that our savings are minimal, and any extra money coming in goes right out again to DD's university, and soon enough, DS's. Nah, they are not bitter. :)</p>
<p>jimbob1225 Let me understand this the kids should be bitter about what? Not being able to be proud of what they have accomplished. Seems to me that anxiousmom is being more than fair. Willing to pay for tuition and R&B at a good school. Just what more should they do? If the kids wanted something else, they should have set their goals and worked to accomplish those goals. Kids are a lot smarter than we often give them credit for. With good communication, they have a pretty good idea of where things stand within a family. If they are bitter, as implied, I believe the problem goes far deeper than college attendance decisions.</p>
<p>A good reason to be realistic with what is and what is not affordable, is to allow parents to have a reasonable retirement thus not having to worry about the kids paying for a nursing home. When everyone has realistic expectations, the end result often ends up being far more palatable for everyone. But then again everyone has their own unique situation and their own ideas as to what works best for them. I know what works for me as for anyone else pick the line you are most comfortable in.</p>
<p>Thanks for the defense ST2! But shucks - I think Jimbob was just kidding ;)</p>
<p>yeah lol the phrase "dream nursing home" should have tipped yall off :P</p>
<p>My apology - guess it just ends up being a sore point with me. Too many people expect things that they are not entitled to. I think that there is a time and place for everything - not just always sure that I agree with the time and place. As long as y'all (Florida inclanation) agree and are happy, then just go with the flow. If your formula produces the desired end reult - then I guess that solves the problem. As long as everyone is happy - you are all doing the right thing for you - which was my point to begin with. Read - listen - learn and then do what is right in your situation. I am done - got mine through with minimal cost at top schools - what more can you ask for.</p>
<p>We have a rising senior and have had "the talk" several times. We can afford state tuition and R&B (about 15K per year, per kid). He wasn't happy when we first told him that money is an issue and he can't just go to any school that he would like. He complained and made several "comments" that others he knew were going to "their" first choice. He began suggesting that we had been somewhat irresponsible for not "saving enough" so that he could go to his dream school. He began lamely pointing to various past expenses that he now thinks may have been "extravagant" without realizing that those expenses (such as a few modest family vacations) do not add up to the cost of sending two kids to their dream schools (even if invested). Not to mention that he would not have liked living the incredibly sparse existence that would have been needed to make an attempt at having more college money for each kid. Considering that we lived in expensive southern cal, finding safe housing that was cheap, just wasn't doable.</p>
<p>Yes, some families can do a "dream school", but we can't compare apples and oranges. Others may have grandparents who have "helped" in some way (savings, inheritance, annual money gifts, etc), some may have better paying jobs, some may live in areas where safe housing can be obtained at a lower percentage of income, some may have a lot of equity and can borrow against it, some may have been better investors -- they didn't lose money and/or chose stocks that increased at better rates. </p>
<p>It is hard for kids to sometimes understand all this especially when they are emotionally upset. Our younger son has no problem understanding all of this; perhaps that is because this is not an emotional issue for him right now.</p>
<p>One of the problems may have been the timing of the talk. The best time to have it is at the start of HS. This way you only need to do it once, although review sessions can be helpful. Remember it is supposed to be a dialogue not a monologue. That means input from all parties. Yes, the parents should explain and commit to what is feasible from a financial contribution, but at the same time students should commit to their contribution.</p>
<p>It is fine and good that someone wants to attend a dream school, but what are they going to do to make that happen. I may want to drive a Ferrari, but if I dont take some action to make it happen you know that is not going to happen. So it may be time to examine what the student did to allow them to attend a dream school. Everyone starts HS with a clean and empty slate some people fill the slate up more than others. It can be stats, ECs, sports, work, an extensive scholarship hunt etc. I dont think it is wholly the parents responsibility during the talk the reality of shared responsibility should be agreed upon and then acted on appropriately by all parties.</p>
<p>May not work for everyone did work for us and quite a few other people that I know. It only works if everyone agrees on the initial parameters and then keeps their part of the bargain. Not always easy so make sure that everyone understands the talk and the hopefully ensuing bargain before concluding the talk. This should keep you from having to have the talk multiple times.</p>
<p>Good Points ST2</p>
<p>My sons were OK with the budget limits and colleges. I told them I would pay the family EFC and they would have to study, borrow, and work to earn the rest (if there was a difference). It was a good discussion. </p>
<p>They have worked the last two summers to earn their own spending money during the school year and I make them pay the insurance on the family car they drive around town. This has helped them with the idea of costs and shared responsibility so the talk went pretty well. In some ways it helps that most of their friends are in the same income bracket and are looking at a lot of the same schools.</p>
<p>drizzit - Glad to hear that it worked for you - not as hard as it first sounds, was it? Parents now is not the time to feel guilty about having a life. First with the two of you - then expanded with kids. Guess what - after college they will still be a big part of your life - but everyday it is back to your basic two again. So enjoy it, don't worry about things that you can not control, in fact don't worry about the things you can control - instead take action to change things as you would like them to be. Remember it is about the journey - not the destination. Too much philosophy - guess that means that I must have used up my posting limit for the month.</p>
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<blockquote> <blockquote> <blockquote> <blockquote> <p>The best time to have it is at the start of HS. This way you only need to do it once, although review sessions can be helpful. Remember it is supposed to be a dialogue not a monologue. <<<<</p> </blockquote> </blockquote> </blockquote> </blockquote>
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<p>We did begin the "talk" in the 9th grade, but at that point our son wasn't interested in "college" anything. It wasn't until junior year, when he started really thinking about where he wanted to go that he started "fighting" the message that he had been hearing.</p>
<p>I worry about my rising junior and her expectations.
We committed to paying as much of EFC as we could, although our oldest did also make a large contribution.
We again will commit to paying EFC.
UNfortunately, while older daughter was happy with instate public school, that offered merit or private school that covered 100% need, younger sister is enamored of out of state public, which probably wont offer anything to make it more platable.
Our plan of action, is to find privates that may be interesting and offer good aid, as well as find a way to make the instate publics seem more enticing.</p>
<p>Jlauer95 wonder where you are located I know a j lauer nah too much of a coincidence you did the right thing at the right time as long as you laid out your parameters, made sure he understood them and you stayed with them then you should be good. If he was not interested I guess he has a problem. For example if you set a curfew for him and he is not interested are there consequences? Same principal here.</p>
<p>Emaraldkity4 great sn Unfortunately once the commitments are ambiguous, as much as we could the outcome parameters become clouded and open to interpretation as either party sees fit. For example ours was real simple will pay for R&B at in state university. Fortunately our state has a tuition scholarship program where you really dont have to try very hard to qualify for at least ¾ tuition and full tuition is very achievable with a bit of effort. Anything beyond that they had the opportunity to chose to qualify on their own. Yes, we did assist them in every way possible but it was their dream/goal (if they really wanted it) and then it was sink or swim time. Fortunately they swam and it has been less expensive to have them in school than to have them at home. They did not settle but ended up at top 20 ranked schools. Just remember that private schools can end up being a better buy than state schools. I did say can not will - but as they say seek and you just might find.</p>
<p>Like I previously said, I have always been enamored of a Ferrari does not mean that I will ever be able to fulfill that dream. But as a consolation, I get much better mileage with a Toyota and it gets me to my destination just as well.</p>
<p>Emerald..</p>
<p>I hear you! We are kind of doing the same. Luckily, our flagship state has spent an enormous amount of money in recent years building beautiful new facilities -- new buildings, fab dorms --each with private room, new dining facilities, new rec center, etc. </p>
<p>Last month, I drove my son, a friend of mine, and her son to the university (about 150 miles away) and they were all shocked to find how nice everything was. Although it is an old university, the new buildings were built to coordinate with the traditional brick "college" style. They enjoyed the campus tour and we also ate at some of the campus' more popular "hang outs". They were all greatly impressed with the school's honors college, its smaller classes, travel opportunities, and benefits (early registration, private attention, dorms have their own pool & each room is private, etc.)</p>
<p>This school, as well as a few other affordable private and public campuses that we have visited, are now "acceptable" to my son. And, altho my son is still 'bothered" by the fact that he can't go to a "dream school", at least now he knows that he won't be stuck at some unpleasant campus. We hope that once he's away from high school and away from hearing from fellow classmates who are going to pricey, pricey schools where parents are paying "full freight", that his "bad feelings" will completely disappear.</p>
<p>EK, I had the same worries about my daughter, who similarly seemed dead set on attending college out of state, and also managed to come up with a college list heavily weighted toward reaches. I found myself secretly hoping that she would get rejected from her "dream" schools so we wouldn't have to worry about the money question. But the bottom line was that I insisted that she apply to the UC's (where she was guaranteed admission)... and beyond that I let her control the process.</p>
<p>It ended up working out for us. But I am absolutely sure that if the money hadn't come through from Barnard, that my daughter would have attended UC Santa Cruz or Santa Barbara without a word of complaint. My daughter would also love to have a wardrobe full of designer clothes and to live in a mansion...(and I would love to have a life of leisure living off of the income from my investments, ha, ha -- but obviously my kids know the difference between a wish and an expectation.</p>
<p>
Do they allow non-traditional students to live there? Maybe a middle-aged couple with a old poodle?</p>
<p>ST2 "Jlauer95 wonder where you are located – I know a j lauer – nah too much of a coincidence – </p>
<p>Where are you located (you can PM with your answer).</p>
<p>quote "you did the right thing at the right time – as long as you laid out your parameters, made sure he understood them and you stayed with them – then you should be good. If he was not interested – I guess he has a problem. For example if you set a curfew for him and he is not interested – are there consequences? Same principal here."</p>
<p>That is what we told him. I do think that the problem is that he goes to school with some very affluent kids whose parents can easily pay "full freight" and there are other kids whose personal situation is largely unknown to him (whether grandparents have given money, or whatever). </p>
<p>I am not exagerating when I stress the grandparent part. I have a few siblings whose in-laws are "very comfortable" (but not RICH) and they have routinely put big checks into college funds for every birthday and Christmas throughout their grandkids' lives. These siblings won't have to pay anything for their kids' college educations (or at least not much). In the case of my siblings, there aren't many grandkids on that side of the family so these sets of grandparents can afford to do this. Contrast that to my kids' situation, each set of grandparents has over 20 grandkids (both my H and I come from BIG families), so birthday and Christmas gifts are modest. My point is that when kids hear that others are going to a dream school, it doesn't necessarily mean that their parents are paying for all or even most of it.</p>
<p>Originally Posted by jlauer
They were all greatly impressed with the school's honors college, its smaller classes, travel opportunities, and benefits (early registration, private attention, dorms have their own pool & each room is private, etc.)</p>
<p>Quote from Curmy: Do they allow non-traditional students to live there? Maybe a middle-aged couple with a old poodle?</p>
<p>My friend and I were ready to leave our H's and move in ourselves (just kidding)!!! We'd start our own sorority -- the Posta Mena Pausa's. The old guys frat could be called the "eta nu viagra"</p>
<p>lol jlauer that's pretty funny :D</p>
<p>To the original poster:</p>
<p>I'm going to be a freshman at Cornell University this fall, and i too learned a lot about full rides from a different perspective than yours. I applied to several top schools, WashU, Cornell, Pton, Syracuse; I considered even more top schools. </p>
<p>I went into the application process on my own. I am from a middle-class, caucasian family. There is a family name attached to my dad's workplace, money in other sides of the family, etc... not much money in my family though. In actuality, my parents have very little money to support themselves and me, their youngest of 4 (ages 22, 27, 30). Out of my three siblings, two didn't go to college, and the remaining sibling went to community college. He got very little aid.</p>
<p>With that background, I felt hopeless in the application process for achieving financial aid status. I was determined to go to cornell and evaluated loan options on my own, to cover the entire cost of and ivy league education. </p>
<p>After applying, I had one-on-one interaction with the financial aid office. I received a national scholarship from cornell. I received a cornell grant to cover the remainder. This, to me, was a blessing that i still cannot fully fathom. </p>
<p>The point of this post was to share my experience to all and anyone. Scholarships ARE out there at top schools, and financial aid is greatly reviewed and considered. Cornell pulled through with me because i didn't give up on Cornell. Don't rule out other schools now, in the start of the process, if your son/daughter loves the other schools. Apply to them, and evaluate costs after acceptances arrive. Wherever your son/daughter goes, keep in mind that aside from great professors at top schools, we learn from each other every second outside of the classroom. I am utterly amazed everyday by the people with whom i speak and meet from Cornell. </p>
<p>Hope this helps.</p>
<p>
Could you tell us more about this scholarship? What is the name of the scholarship? What are the requirements to keep it? Are you saying that your parents and you are paying less than your EFC? Thanks in advance.</p>