A good friend recently lost his Dad to Parkinson’s. The Dad lived with our friend and his partner and their kids for the last 5-6 years. H and I knew him and often invited him to dinner/parties at our house. He was a lovely gentleman.
My friend is Jewish; his partner isn’t—their sons had Bat Mitzvahs. Friend’s Dad had been living in FL (where he had lived before moving in with his son) in assisted living for the last 6 months and services are there. I want to send something/acknowledge the Dad’s passing with more than a condolence note to my friend. Is food appropriate or flowers? Any suggestions?
I never knew about no flowers! We’ve been to jewish funerals before where there were flowers but maybe it’s because others sent them and didn’t know. Thank you for the education!
Families often get overwhelmed with flowers and food at funerals. I really think that flowers should be reserved for spouse/SO, kids, grandchildren and siblings.
Edit to add: I forgot about the saddest cases, parents and grandparents.
Totally agree, @Eeyore123 . We are Protestant and got lots of flowers when my mom died. I wanted something about in lieu of flowers please consider a charity for instance, in the announcement but my older sister did not . She wanted the flowers option and I deferred to her since she had been the primary caretaker, but frankly it was a burden to deal with them. The funeral home was not able to help with dispensing them at all. We ended up with tons of dead flowers after a few days in my mother’s small home. Flowers only from the family would have been more than enough.
Wolferman’s has good options for food , with specific packacking for sending to a family in this instance. Most of their stuff can be frozen for awhile . I would avoid food gifts than need quick consumption that can’t last for awhile.
I would send a condolence note (if you can include some personal recollections it would make the note very meaningful) and a donation to Parkinson’s research or another charity you know your friend supports. When they return from FL I’d extend an invitation for your friend and his partner to come over for dinner (let them know you can wait if they are not yet ready for an evening out).
A donation to a relevant charity in his honor. Make a shiva call if you are nearby. Bring small amount of food to shiva, like a cake or cookie platter, to help feed the shiva attendees.
I would not send food. I would send a sympathy card with a gift card to a favorite takeout restaurant. A donation to the care facility would be a nice gesture as well.
Still not sure as to the religious wishes are of the one who died.
So if flowers are NOT something that would respect them then avoid that.
My thought is that whatever you send with good intention will be appreciated. Put some thought into the message if not necessaritly every nuance of a gift. All of this is more wrapped up in emotional support at a very hard time (it means so much!) than trying to not “step on toes”.
They family is sitting Shiva. I’m not local, nor are my friends–they live in my town. I like the idea of the tree donation (Jewish National Fund) or to a charity related to Parkinson’s (my friend’s Dad was a pediatric cardiologist).
My friend’s partner texted me yesterday to let me know that his FIL had passed. I immediately texted the partner and then my friend, who, surprisingly, texted me back saying that his Dad really loved going to our house and called us “his young friends” LOL–I’m not young!!
My cousin bought a tree in honor of my Newish mom when she died. I was so touched by that gift. Maybe it’s common place but I had never heard of this Jewish tradition.
The cards meant a lot to me after my parents died. Agree w/greenbutton - a note a week or more after the funeral can be so appreciated - when all the attention has died down.
Your friend’s father was a pediatric cardiologist, so might also donate to something related to that. Sometimes it is nice to honor how someone lived, not how they died. May his memory be a blessing.