<p>It didn't much matter what we were wearing on our son's move-in day; we were were all soaked through and through. We had two umbrellas in the car and wished we had four!</p>
<p>"What makes you assume that it was a remark directed at his race? (I see your interpretation of the story as her seeming to say "well-spoken--for a black man".) </p>
<p>I'm the kind of person who always compliments people making presentations or speaking. When I say "you're so well-spoken, it was a pleasure listening to you", I honestly do not mean "you're so much more well-spoken than most people of your race, who I would never listen to". It seems to me that this is how both of you interpreted this girl's comment."</p>
<p>Unfortunately, there are a great many people who compliment black people on being "well spoken" or "articulate" who wouldn't compliment a white person who was in a similar situation and spoke a similar way. For instance, I'd expect that a doctor invited to speak to a group of freshmen and their parents would be well spoken. If someone were inarticulate, I'd expect that they would not have been invited to speak to freshmen as the man in question was.</p>
<p>Another example: A (black) cousin who took her little kids to her neighborhood library was complimented by the white librarian on how clean her kids were. Wouldn't one expect that kids in a library would be clean?</p>
<p>NSM, I'll be taking S to his first year of college alone next week too....H also going to be away. I'm glad you mentioned it because I've been a little nervous about being perceived as a single mom too, and I'm not really sure why. What's wrong with being a strong single mom whose amazing, great kid is starting college?</p>
<p>I had pretty much decided not to go to the evening reception for parents, because I'd have to go alone, but this thread has made me rethink that. Thank you.</p>
<p>NSM - Not everyone brings clean kids to a library. It has nothing to do with race. When people tell me how attractive my girls are, I don't assume it's because they are multi-racial. I also do not assume all white people are well spoken. When they are, I will say so. Why do you assume people would say that because of race?</p>
<p>After I listened to Tufts' president speak a few months back, I emailed his son (a friend's friend) to let him know that I thought his father was very well spoken and he should be proud of his father. I would have said the same thing if his father was black.</p>
<p>Considering the temp is supposed to be in excess of 100 degrees when DD goes back to school, I jokingly told her and DH I would be wearing my swimsuit. I guess a pair of light-weight shorts and a sleeveless shirt will be in order. That and lots of deodorant ... and patience.</p>
<p>I have the rare event of driving with my ex to move in D on Sat. Very glad we're able to do this together, for all our sakes. Laughed, as I have the converse of Heli mom above-what if someone mistakes me for married?
After years of doing everything alone with the kids, I want the credit.</p>
<p>It doesn't matter what you wear. Your student will dismiss you so fast once the car is unloaded that no one will have a chance to notice what you are wearing.</p>
<p>There are certain compliments that are so strained that they tip the hand of the one giving the compliment. True story, not hypothetical: Growing up in Baltimore in the early 1960's (think "Hairspray"), my Jewish parents became interested in moving to Roland Park, the neighborhood nearest to Johns Hopkins, where my Dad was an alum and Mom had taken evening courses. </p>
<p>In those years, however, there were clauses on housing deeds in that neighborhood that forbade selling the house to Jews or Blacks. Nonetheless, my Mom pursued and made an appointment to see a house for sale. When she arrived for the scheduled appointment with the realtor, she was surprised to see the "for sale" sign yanked off the property and shutters closed; nobody answered the door for the appointment. </p>
<p>Later that week, she tried another house, and they let her view (I also went with my brother, our ages then 14 and 16). While viewing, Mom was told the house was already sold. My mother, curious and suspicious, phoned the next day and gave a different last name, then asked, "Do you sell to Jews?" The answer, "Of course not, we have standards. And it's a shame because just yesterday a Jewish woman came with her children and they were so clean!" </p>
<p>Normally it's nice to be called "clean" except when you get the distinct sense that the complimentor expected you to be dirty. If you break down the word prejudice, you get: "pre-judge" and that's the problem.</p>
<p>This is MOVE in day. Be comfortable and less worried about fitting in. Everyone ignores dress on this day.</p>
<p>"I think it is considered tacky to show up in a shirt bearing the name of a college other than the one where your child is moving in."</p>
<p>I don't think that would be tacky. Especially if it's a rival college, it would be a great conversation starter, a far better conversation starter than wearing a T-shirt advertising your student's college. I wouldn't however, show up wearing the T-shirt of a much more highly rated college. That, to me, would be tacky and could make one's student feel bad.</p>
<p>"NSM, I'll be taking S to his first year of college alone next week too....H also going to be away. I'm glad you mentioned it because I've been a little nervous about being perceived as a single mom too, and I'm not really sure why. What's wrong with being a strong single mom whose amazing, great kid is starting college?"</p>
<p>You have lots to be proud of, and I'm glad you're going to go to the reception. Your proud presence there also will help dispel a lot of stereotypes about single moms and their kids.</p>
<p>If I were a single mom, I'd be proud, too, and wouldn't mind at all if people saw me with my son and assumed I was a single mom. </p>
<p>What I don't like is having people assume that despite my wedding ring, attire (it's not like I'm wearing some kind of outfit like a woman in a rapper's video), and speech, that because I'm a black woman with my child, that I must be: a single mom, high school drop-out from the inner city who's probably an addict to boot.</p>
<p>I have admiration for people who fit that description and have overcome their difficulties with addiction. However, as a highly educated black woman from generations of people who attended college, who has been married almost 30 years, I find it offensive when some white people assume that because I'm black, have a child and am alone at some family-oriented placethat I'm a never married, uneducated, crack addict from the hood, and my really nice, smart, peace loving, nonathletic son is either some kind of thug or must be an athlete.</p>
<p>My concerns aren't over the top. Even during the past year, a white acquaintance who'd been over my house thought she was complimenting me by saying, "I've never met a black person like you." The same woman said that when she was growing up she used to thank God that she wasn't black because she thought that black people had so many bad traits. It sends up that the woman's son is a drug addict who hangs around mainly with black people who are thugs and addicts, and those are the black people that she had been exposed to before me.</p>
<p>Our son's dorm had a number of upperclass students helping with moving stuff from the car to the room. So we, the parents we left with bringing in some of the lighter things, getting clothes into closets/drawers and help with making up the bed. It was not a real hot day either which made the ride home more pleasant for my wife. </p>
<p>The nice thing about off campus housing the following year was no repeat of move in day or pondering where to store things over the summer. The only thing needed to do was to build the loft bed/desk which he will be using for the 3rd year now.</p>
<p>Parents are usually smart enough to wear sneakers for move-in day, but the kids seem to think slides and flip-flops are appropriate. Remind them they will be climbing many stairs and hauling lots of boxes--not always being able to see what they're stepping on. Flip-flops are a no-no on moving day. </p>
<p>(By the way, there are a few places in the US it isn't usually hot on move-in day and you have to worry more about rain [and, no, we don't feel bad when we think about our sweaty/sunburned counterparts across the rest of the country.])</p>
<p>Why would the presence of only one parent imply anything about your marital status?</p>
<p>It could simply imply that your car is too small to accommodate extra people along with all the stuff or that it was only convenient for one parent to get time off from work.</p>
<p>I am married. I will be the only person accompanying my daughter to her campus. I never gave it a second thought.</p>
<p>NSM, I used to get similar comments about Americans in Germany. "I didn't know Americans could cook" was one of my favorites. I don't think the comments were meant maliciously, but it does show how pernicious stereotypes can be.</p>
<p>"In those years, however, there were clauses on housing deeds in that neighborhood that forbade selling the house to Jews or Blacks. Nonetheless, my Mom pursued and made an appointment to see a house for sale. When she arrived for the scheduled appointment with the realtor, she was surprised to see the "for sale" sign yanked off the property and shutters closed; nobody answered the door for the appointment."</p>
<p>Sorry for being naive, but how does one know if someone is Jewish or not? Is there some kind of religion detector that I don't know about? Unless someone tells me, I wouldn't know one way or the other (or spend a moment's time wondering).</p>
<p>
[quote]
Sorry for being naive, but how does one know if someone is Jewish or not?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Last names. Certain aspects of facial features and hair. Subtle aspects of speech, accents, dress, and culture. (For example, on move-in day at college, you can bet money that the parents who look like they slept in their clothes are NOT Jewish.)</p>
<p>My husband is Jewish. I am not. Both of us can usually recognize whether someone is Jewish on sight. My kids can usually do it, too (although they themselves, with their mixed heritage, are sources of confusion to those around them). </p>
<p>It amazes my daughter's Asian friends that she can look at a group of white kids (about half of whom, in this particular area, are Jewish), and easily pick out the ones who are Jewish and those who are not. Similarly, it amazes my daughter that the Asian kids can look at a group of Asians and pick out which ones are Chinese and which ones are Korean -- using clues to which my daughter is totally oblivious. </p>
<p>There are forms of pattern recognition that people are skilled at but not consciously aware of. I think this is one of them.</p>
<p>I don't remember what I wore for move in day last year. I always wear comfortable clothes, sandals in the summer, clogs in the cooler months. I do have some sturdy teva's that have a back strap and are better for climbing stairs, maybe I wore them. And you know, I don't remember what anyone else was wearing now either. Bathing suits would have stood out though so I don't think anyone was wearing that!</p>
<p>I attended family weekend alone last year, and will probably do the same this year unless I can convince my fourteen year old son to join me. My husband is in a wedding band and September is a very popular booking month for weddings. It never occured to me that I might be perceived as a single Mom. While I know many women would not attend an event like that alone, I decided long ago that I would rather go to something alone rather then miss out entirely.</p>
<p>"
I am married. I will be the only person accompanying my daughter to her campus. I never gave it a second thought."</p>
<p>I assume that you are white, and therefore haven't encountered lots of people who assume that because you are a black woman who's alone with your child at a family event that you're an uneducated, never married, single mom on welfare, and what a wonder that your kids are clean, well behaved and articulate.</p>
<p>northstarmom-- i'm sorry you've had to endure these stereotypes being pushed on you in the past.</p>
<p>however, not all white people are racist, and not all white people look at a black woman moving her kids into college and think that she must be a single, uneducated mom on welfare.</p>
<p>i understand that this has happened to you in the past, but i think it's unfortunate that you now go into situations assuming people will look at you in that way. you're stereotyping white people as racist and intolerant-- which is obviously not always the case (just as some white people's stereotypes about black people [or asians, jews, etc.] are not always true).</p>
<p>i believe that the majority of parents you will see on move-in day will be going into the situation feeling friendly, excited, and having an open mind about meeting their child's dormmates' parents. i hope you go into it feeling the same way.</p>