I know a young woman who at 14 did a report on rape culture as a public service project for her school. I was very proud of her for choosing to engage in a dialogue that offered more questions then answers, especially with her age and experience. The pursuit of learning = change.
The pursuit of learning= wisdom.
The young lady (who wrote the Jezebel piece ) doesn’t really want a dialogue because she’s too busy waiting for Lena Dunham’s next tweet.
Unfortunately… that’s where we are.
@PhotographerMom I completely respect your opinion on the matter. However, there are some points I disagree with.
"For example, in my all-girls dorm of 40 ninth through twelfth-graders, fellow senior residential leaders and I asked about bringing up sexual assault at the beginning-of-the-year dorm meeting, but were discouraged, as “not to scare younger girls about something that probably wouldn’t even happen.”
^^Sexual assault is real. It happens everywhere, including boarding school. Bringing that to light to some girls who may or may not know otherwise is a great move. Granted, don’t shove it in their faces, but a conversation or two is very beneficial.
"If this young lady ( Excuse me: Senior Residential Leader ) tried to have a “sex talk” with my 14 year old daughter and tried to speak to her about “rape culture”, "sexual assault " , or "privilege “, Exeter would’ve heard from my attorney.”
^^^Your life, your opinion, that is respected. But rape culture, sexual assault, and privilege are real. They are. Exeter is a pretty liberal campus, but there are a few people here and there who think that whether or not you have XX or XY chromosomes dictates your actions, interests, etc.
As for the “embarrassing Exeter” part, this really isn’t embarrassing Exeter. You should read an article written by a grad who blatantly slammed Exeter and the Harkness method. A lot of people on campus agreed with this article and shared in on social media to bring more awareness to this.
Sexual assault and rape culture are touchy subjects, I get that. There’s a difference between knowing that it’s a subject that people are hesitant to talk about and pretending it doesn’t exist. Well, it does. It does when boys (and girls) make rape jokes and act like its nothing. It does when you make a Facebook page rating the girls of Exeter based on their looks (it’s happened).
Do I think that there was a better way to write this piece? Of course (in my defense, I think that every piece can be written better), but it doesn’t take a genius to see that the points made in this article are real.
I hope you have a great day.
Sincerely,
An Exonian feminist
@PhotographerMom P.S, no matter how elite Exeter is, it is still a school, with teenagers in it. And some teenagers, despite knowing right from wrong, choose to do wrong. Look what happened at SPS, Milton Hershey, Deerfield, Brooks, etc. I love Exeter, but no school is perfect. And I think that it’s great that the student body chooses to bring light to these issues in order to better our school.
I’m quite familiar with Exeter and I know that they’ve had Katie and Campus Outreach speak at the school. http://www.hercampus.com/school/sewanee/katie-koestners-no-yes-program . In fact, almost all BSs have had this group on campus to discuss a wide range of topics with both faculty and students . I know because I underwrote Katie’s seminar on campus sexual misconduct/ rape at one BS and gave generously so that she could speak at two more.
I object when Student Residential Leaders think it’s OK to go outside their role and take it upon themselves to discuss rape ( or other topics ) with young students without faculty consent or oversight. I know you’re not a parent but surely you can imagine why. I’d like to think that people having these discussions with children actually have the facts and credentials… … You know… something beyond Student Residential Leader and member of the Exeter Feminist Union.
@PhotographerMom Oh ok. Thank you for clarifying, and I agree with you. If students want to bring it upon themselves to raise awareness of these kinds of issues, they should by all means have a faculty member’s supervision. At the same time, I think what’s prompting her to write what she wrote is that she and other students may feel that it is something that needs to be discussed more, or discussed in a different way?
A better way for her to handle the situation would maybe be to find a faculty member who has the same views as she does, thus allowing her to speak in the dorm meeting with that faculty member, and he/she being able to moderate the discussion, as well as add in a few words. It’s ok to have these conversations with your friends who feel the same way as you do, as I know many people who discuss the issues that are on BS campuses personally and quietly. I know it’s something I do, but it isn’t a discussion in a dorm meeting, more like a night talk between someone who shares similar views.
Thank you again for clarifying.
First, I thought the article was very weak. She talked about rape culture but had no examples. It seemed to be focusing more on a political perspective than addressing a meaningful issue.
However, if ANY parents don’t think that MANY boarding school kids (perhaps not our precious flowers) will be having sex by senior year they are deluded. There is a lot of sex in high school, including in boarding school. There is a fair amount of making out in Freshman/Sophomore year, and it gets more intense as the years progress. At ALL schools. And, if it doesn’t happen in High School it may in college. Teenagers need to hear and learn about consent and sexual safety from before these are likely to become issues. By consent I mean the responsibility of both parties to make sure that both sides are in total agreement that they want to do what they are doing. By sexual safety I mean not getting into situations, either by overuse of alcohol or becoming physically vulnerable, where something can happen.
Studies have shown that we need to talk to kids about drinking by the time they are 10. Schools should be talking to teens, systematically, about consent and sexual safety from the time they are 14. There are teens who have been accused of rape whose lives have been ruined. Maybe they were falsely accused, or maybe they just want to far in the heat of the moment, or maybe they were incapacitated, or maybe they thought they had some kind of right. Doesn’t matter, life ruined. There are teens who have ended up in a situation where they feel they were raped or where things went further than they wanted/expected and they are devastated. Maybe they report and go through the hell of that process and maybe they keep their mouths shut and deal with emotional repercussions, often for decades. This happens all the time, mostly in college, but it happens. We can’t pretend it does not.
I know my son’s school has some very serious discussions about consent in health class at the Sophomore Year. He also had to participate in a workshop on consent at camp this summer as part of a CIT program. He doesn’t want to discuss this with his parents, so I’m glad someone is making them think about it. I think they need to go further with this - making intelligent and safe sexual decisions is an absolutely critical life skill.
Was the Taft event an anomaly or something that grew out of the culture of the school? I tend to think a bit of both. It seems clear to me that the girl (15 is a girl) thought she could control how far things went and feels that she was raped. It seems clear that he thinks he was absolutely innocent of rape. Neither of their lives will ever be the same.
I don’t doubt that many high school students engage in consented sexual relationship. I also believe that healthy sex education including consent and safety is very important. But I hope that it would be done by professional educators in the right way, rather than learning the school’s claimed rape culture by other 16 years old students while they are 14 years old freshmen.
I also think that publishing serious accusation that her own school has prevalence of rape culture with admin trying to hide it, without reasonable supporting arguments, examples, or other supports is irresponsible. And without additional information, I believe that’s what the article’s author did.
@photographermom Thank you for underwriting Katie Koestner. Both D and I heard her speak (separate parent, student sessions) at D’s school last year. And D is now a freshman at a college where Ms Koestner spoke last year. Her message is powerful, informative, cautionary and personal. And although it comes from an adult, I think she is very effective at reaching kids, especially adolescent and young adult women. I entirely agree with you that training should come from experts.
I had three goals in terms of preparing D for safety issues at college: hear an expert such as Katie, take a comprehensive self-defense course, and read and discuss the front page NYT article on Hobart & William Smith from last year. She did all three, and combined with the programs from the Women’s Center at her college this year, I hope she has a sense of anticipating the situations in which adverse events could potentially occur, and making good decisions to reduce the risk of bad things happening.
At Phillips Academy Andover, there was a lot of messaging about consent and such during orientation recently. We watched some skits modelling what consent should look like. In one skit, one person pressured the other into a “hookup” and even though the other person eventually said “Fine”, we talked about why that wasn’t okay. They threw candy for answering questions and there was a lot of laughing and joking, but all that contributed to getting the point across.
Then, the Dean of Studies had seniors come sit at our lunch tables informally to talk to us about more of the same. They read from the Blue Book (Andover student handbook sort of thing). They really pushed that “hookup culture” is not something that you have to participate in and that many (most?) Andover students do not engage in it. They talked about “yes means yes” and “you deserve this, you deserve that”. They assured us that it was reaaaally unlikely that we would ever be sexually assaulted, but that there were a lot of resources (prefects, proctors, advisors, counselors, teachers, etc.) where we could find support.
Finally, the Dean of Studies gave a really intense speech about the importance of treating each other right and the hellfire that would rain down upon us if we were hurtful to each other. The issue of consent was mentioned specifically as well. And the “St. Paul’s case” was brought up by name several times, as well. At times, the execution of all these programs was clumsy, but the message never wavered, and adults were clearly involved every step of the way, even when it was students talking.
I don’t know. I thought it was all good and fine, though I don’t know how effective it will be. I definitely got the sense that if anything ever happened, there would be a lot of support, because people were so open in talking about. Those who have been sexually assaulted sometimes feel shame and keep silent, and I think that openness and assertion of support could help in that aspect. Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with it, but maybe I am missing something important as to why you are so against students talking to students about this. I am trying to understand.
What do you all think of all this?
Why the radio silence?
There’s a play called SLUT: The Play that does a really good job of addressing these issues. Its performed by a group of teenagers in a small theater troupe. I think they will have a bunch of shows in NYC in early 2016. I highly recommend it.
Its gotten a lot of national press and I think they have a website describing the play and their goals.
IMO this topic has been done to death. If no one is posting, it’s because no one viewing here has anything more to say.
Your description natakwali is amazing, thanks. This discussion is crickets, because this forum is not your audience. I support that you absolutely should talk with your peers. Keep at it.