and when is it sexual harassment? Over the recent years, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this.
If a person of the opposite gender ‘complimented’ me on my hair ie that style brings out your beautiful eyes. Or, those shoes make your legs look 6’ long! Or, greeted me with 'Ciao Bella!" or a European kiss/greeting, (a French Kiss would not be so welcome!) etc. etc., I’d probably not consider it the actions or words of a sex pest, just a greeting between two people who are comfortable with themselves.
Maybe it’s because I’m of a different generation and culture that I don’t find these, or similar actions, to be sexually confronting. In fact, if a man were to tell me that I’m beautiful, or my dress is sexy, frankly, I’d be flattered. The only compliments I get these days are from my H, and they don’t count! I’d like an unexpected wolf-whistle once in a while!
I don’t want any man in my place of work commenting on my appearance, period. I got comments like 'Oh, lady in the red dress" (leering) and on the opposite “that suit is dowdy”. Really. I would never comment on a man’s appearance in the workplace, ever.
This is tough, because a lot has to do with delivery and people’s personal comfort level with the person who is complementing you.
“That shirt really brings out the blue in your eyes,” is, IMO, no problem. But if the person who says it appears to be leering at the same time, or says it as a whisper in my ear, or takes me aside to say it discreetly when no one is around, it could certainly sound suggestive and inappropriate. Same thing could apply to “that skirt makes your legs look six feet long.”
Complimenting people isn’t against the law. It’s pretty sad if people aren’t comfortable giving or receiving a compliment. In the scenarios you describe, no, I don’t think it’s close to sexual harassment.
I’ve complimented men. My compliments are obvious compliments: “Hey, nice tie! I like the shirt, matches your pants. Cool shoes, I love suede…” Even “Jim, you look good today! Nice haircut!” Stuff like that. It would be a different kettle of fish entirely if I said, “Hey, nice tie,” while running my fingers down the tie and maybe even continuing to run my fingers down the length of his shirt, delivering the compliment in a whisper so that no one else could hear.
I think when these situations become awkward or cross lines is when touching is involved or when the delivery comes off wrong. A hand on the shoulder isn’t, IMO, generally sexual, but again, it would depend on who does it, and when, and how. Some people don’t like to be touched anywhere by anyone. Obviously, touching anyone’s butt or breasts is always off limits.
At DS’ high school, they generally didn’t compliment each other on their looks – it was considering superficial and a misplacement of what you valued in another person. (That’s a very clumsy summary. It was actually a very thoughtful practice.) I would have found this impossible as I am the person who tells complete strangers that they have gorgeous hair or that they look fabulous in the jeans they’retrying on. Yes, totally shallow!
I think a lot of this depends on who’s saying it and who’s hearing it. I generally like the affirmation, so unless it was a creepy person, I would be more than fine with it. But realizing that someone might hear what I said differently, I try hard to be careful in what I say and to whom.
People here have mentioned that it depends on who and when. To get more specific on that, if the person making the comment is in charge of the career (either directly or indirectly) of the person they are commenting to, not appropriate. There should always be a consideration of the power imbalance present in every interaction between those two folks. And the person in power never gets to say how the person not in power should interpret something–in any circumstance.
I’m old enough to remember when a lot of complimenting and other behavior was considered well… complimentary. But times have changed. Even my father learned that a lot of his behavior which he thought was funny or cute or friendly was not. Way back in 1973 he pinched my butt while we were walking in the streets of Paris. I’d had enough of being harassed for being a woman alone and I whirled around with my umbrella and whacked him as hard as I could. Boy was he surprised, but then we had a little conversation about appropriate behavior and he got it.
I think compliments are nice for both men and women to recieve. I like people to notice a new haircut or outfit and say I look nice (even if they are co-workers).
At the time I was mostly amused, but looking back on it now, it seems shocking. He was interviewed for some archive and he’s very supportive of women working and my mother worked most of my childhood (except when she finally got her BA when I was in junior high.) But he was also absolutely some one who might say some of the things that could make women uncomfortable. I don’t think he went around pinching people as a habit, though I suspect he must have pinched my mother. Friendly pinches.
Just for the record if you kiss me on the forehead, I will probably punch you in the stomach. So beware!
I’ll admit that sometimes we used to joke if two guys dressed similarly (maybe khakis and blue shirt) … “ah, did your wives coordinate your wardrobes?” or “did we miss the memo on today’s uniform?”. Even that I would probably not do these days.
One time a fellow that was usually dressed in business casual wore a nice seat. When asked in jest, “Going to a funeral today?” he answered “Actually, yes”. Oops.
This is interesting; both of these have a degree of sexual undertones in current times. If someone had just said your hair looks nice, I wouldn’t think anything of it. Adding in the beautiful eyes to me changes the tone. IMO compliments with traditionally stereotypical sexualized undertones crosses the line. For reference; I spent my career in political and corporate marketing with mostly DC clients, so I worked in a male dominated field in the 80s and 90s. Believe me, I’ve heard it all; some I knew were advances, but let’s face it we used to brush it off or tell them off. Some were meant to establish power; those I’d laugh at, but that was 30+ years ago. I would hope we’ve evolved in the political world since then. The tone of these haven’t been acceptable in the corporate world for 20 years, even if they are still spoken.
A European style kiss would be a definite no-no without an established friendship at that level. The “test” used to be if the compliment could be said to a 13 yo without it sounding creepy or inappropriate, you’re probably ok. So, read both of these, but imagine a 60+ yo man saying them to a 13yo girl.