Here is the thing with compliments. For as long as women have been allowed into the workplace, they have been evaluated on the basis of the sexual attractiveness. So a compliment of a woman’s sexual attractiveness also became a compliment of the value of the woman. That is why there are entire generations who feel that this is OK. If you grew up believing that your worth as a person is based, in a large part, on your sexual attractiveness, a man saying that you look sexy is the same as a man saying that you have worth.
That is also why there is a double standard here - when a person who you find attractive tells you that you are sexually attractive, you are OK with it, since you want to be found sexually attractive by this person.
The problem is that, whether you want to be found to be sexually attractive by a person or not, any comment which indicates that sort of interest is NOT appropriate for the workplace. If the comment would bother you from a less attractive person, then it is not appropriate. Save the flirting for after work at the bar, and it’s better if it’s not with a coworker, since a no can be awkward, and a yes even more so.
Again, @Tigerwife92’s test is a good way to measure whether the compliment is sexual in nature.
One of the classes I taught (adjunct) was a management based human relations class. We needed to come up with a way to get 20 somethings to understand what was acceptable in business and what wasn’t. It’s often hard for seasoned adults to understand, let alone college students. It became a quick reference to use in their heads because they’d become afraid to say anything to co-workers. I carried the idea to my business life.
Just my opinion, but telling someone their dress is “sexy” is completely inappropriate in a professional environment. Also, I don’t live in Europe-any colleague or boss trying to lay their mouth on my cheek would not be appreciated at all.
In my neighborhood (at least pre-Covid) there was a lot of double kissing (but mostly air kisses). I’m not a big fan, but it’s never felt the least bit sexual whether it’s a man or a woman doing it.
I can see some men believing that what’s okay in their neighborhood might just be fine at the office too.
I would absolutely not be fine with a guy telling me my dress is sexy unless I was at some occasion where it was clearly a compliment. I was not for example offended when a local councilman (who I am also friendly with) said something to that effect years ago after I’d lost a lot of weight and I was wearing a very short miniskirt and purple tights for a gala event. We were both standing next to our respective spouses at the time.
I’m okay with simple compliments like “Love the new hair cut”.
I’m European. Pre covid everyone in our circle was greeting with double cheek kissing. Agree there is zero sexual about it and it’s the equivalent of shaking hands. But, I live in the US and this would definitely not be OK at work.
As a male, I read the comment about “those shoes making your legs 6 feet long” and cringed mightily— I would have NEVER said that to a co-worker (and have expected to keep my job).
Would a woman say that to another woman? Seems more like something a creepy guy would say.
Interesting thread. My first thought and response is…in the workplace or situation where I don’t know someone pretty darn well personally (so not a family member or really close friend) it’s ok if they are complimenting a thing/item not words specifically to my body.
For instance, I would say to a male co-worker that I know in the office - “hey Joe, love that fleece pullover (of a favorite team)!” What would not be ok, “hey Joe, wow that fleece pullover fits you like a glove and looks great!” - that would be out of line to me.
Wolf-whistles have always been juvenile and yucky to me. Offensive. Sometimes actually a sign of making fun of someone. Just no.
Also a guy and I would consider that very close to “cat calling”. On the whole unless I know the person well enough I wouldn’t compliment someone on their appearance. If I do compliment someone I would be more likely to comment on the item or an aspect of the item. That color looks nice, I like your shoes, I like the way you’ve done your hair etc. I would stay away from their appearance directly. I hope the compliment is implied but isn’t designed to judge them specifically. To a degree I think it is unfortunate because I think most people appreciate being noticed and complimented (the clothing industry is based on it) but it is difficult to determine what everyone is comfortable with.
When I was 23, I worked for Princess Tours in Alaska. It was a tough time for me for various reasons, and my confidence was not high. One day, a male coworker told me I had really great legs. It was said with genuine appreciation, and in passing (literally—we were headed in opposite directions). He had a lower position/job than I did, but I was not his manager and we only worked together if a team was short-staffed.
Almost 30 years later, I remember exactly how much that compliment meant to me. I don’t know whether he sensed that I needed a lift or if he just said it without thinking. He never flirted with me and we carried on our working relationship with no issue. As much as I knew that my self-esteem shouldn’t come from others or be based on appearance, the thought of regular old me having really great legs was awesome.
With compliments about appearance, I think the relationship, intent and delivery matter. However, I understand that we probably need to go to extremes to prevent harassment before we can accept nuance, because harassment has been rampant for so long.
I agree with you. Here in the US, even if I knew it was not meant at all to be sexual, I would still find it WAY too familiar.
I lived in France for a bit, and when people would lean forward to kiss my cheek immediately upon meeting me, a time or two I reflexively pulled back from it. I was embarrassed, they were embarrassed, and the people introducing us would say “It’s okay, she’s American and they don’t do that.” It was awkward for me. I eventually outgrew my discomfort, but I was not in France on any kind of professional context.
No matter the intent, that comment made today in a professional environment would just be very very risky. You’re right-for too long that kind of thing has been abused. As hard as women have worked to be taken seriously, it would be a step back to tolerate it, even if one is struggling with self esteem.
I like the rule about would you say or do something to a 13 year old, and if not, don’t do it or say it at work. Also, how would you feel about your adult child’s boss or co-worker interacting with them in a given manner? I think when we frame it that way, we all pretty much know when something is or isn’t okay.
OP, curious if you work in an office setting? I am 52. I like compliments. But I would prefer my boss or co-workers who are not also close friends compliment my work. If you are a good friend and I have confided in you that I am working out and dieting and you say “Lookin’ good” I’m not going to be offended. If you are some random guy at the copy machine it’s kind of weird and uncomfortable. Also, having worked with some very beautiful women at my old job - it can get frustrating and almost humiliating for them to be singled out for their looks when they are working very hard/achieving things/trying to get ahead. A comment about how great someone looks can quickly lead to office gossip that someone is “doing it” with the boss/that’s how they got promoted/that kind of thing. Ugly stuff but true in my past work places.
The legs comment is creepy. I am the mom of a girl with very long legs and it’s one of those things that it’s fine if she makes comments on it or the family does or her close friends, but other folks? Nope.
I think it’s fine to say you like someone’s new haircut or just to ask if they got a new haircut or new shoes or whatever. I think you can say a generic “you look nice today; I like that shirt” but comments on body parts and not so great unless if they’ve done something new to their body (got a new tattoo, had their nails done, etc).
Judging people on their appearance is just creepy IMO.
Worked on Wall Street in the 80’s and 90’s and had to cringe at some of the comments made by colleagues from time to time, especially to administrative staff. To me workplace compliments should be limited to those involving work quality unless someone affirmatively asks for your opinion on clothes, hair style, exercise/weight loss regimen or other aspects of physical appearance. In those cases, this is clearly a friend to friend conversation. However, I do think out of work social occasions involve a slightly different standard. If a colleague dresses up nicely, did a major hair or other makeover, and I knew them well/were social friends, I might make a complimentary comment in the nature of “beautiful dress”, “really like the way you changed your hair”, “you look great”.
Before retirement, I worked at a large corporate site. Over time, people dressed more casually since it was not a customer-facing location. A few times I passed young female employees with what I considered highly inappropriate clothing (very short dress, lots of cleavage, quite the distraction factor in a sea of boring business casual clothes). I considered making some kind of comment (since thought it would be better from a female, and there were few females around) but refrained since I did not know them. Of course if I did know them, perhaps that would have been awkward too. Is there any kind of comment I could have made that would have been helpful but not rude?