Thanks @porcupine98, I will start a new thread. And thanks for your advice.
@Lindagaf thank you for the update, and Iâm glad to hear sheâs happy :).
If you could do a hindsight is 20/20 thing, is there anything you would have done differently as a parent with advice/action for your kid, even if the inevitable adjustment had to happen for her?
@Lindagaf That is a wonderful update. And you are right â my S had a similar experience where it took him until about Thanksgiving to feel that he had settled in with long-term friends that were a good fit.
And my D eventually decided she wanted to study something that wasnât offered at the LAC she loved andâŠwell, she stayed put and is in grad school studying that subject now (not sure if that is good news or bad news but it was the right call for her).
Thanks so much for sharing so honestly.
@MotherOfDragons, I asked the same question and @porcupine98 suggested it would be a good thread. I am about to post this question in the parents forum. Typing it now.
Great question, @tinrodd .
One big regret I have, was that I was hung up on trying spend lots of quality time with her before she left. I would stupidly say things like âletâs hang out tonight because you wonât be here in two weeks.â Not exactly in those words, but I didnât think how that was making her feel. Shortly before she left that she had a bit of a meltdown because she was worried about all kinds of things. She hadnât said anything for a while though, because she didnât want to upset me.
No doubt I made some other mistakes, but that was the worst. When she started talking about transferring, and leaving after the first semester, I said âfine, but you have to do the work.â Thanks to @NEPatsGirl and @twogirls for that advice, because it helped her feel like she had some control over the situation and an escape route if she really needed it. I also spent a lot of time on CC, not posting, but reading the many posts in the College Life forum from students who sounded just like my daughter. They felt like they had no friends, all their friends from home were already totally settled into a new friend group and were having âthe best four years of their livesâ (not true, by the way) and that they all were going to transfer, etc⊠That was really eye opening. I have discovered something that no one tells you: the vast majority of freshmen have some kind of teething problems when they start college. For some itâs the social aspect, for others, itâs the academics, for others itâs homesickness, for still others, itâs new found freedoms and trying (sometimes failing) to become responsible adults. EVERY kid has issues, and some handle it better than others, and some keep it to themselves instead of talking with their parents.
As far as what she could have done to improve things, that is tougher to pin down. She hung out with a group of kids early on and quickly realized they werenât right for her, but the alternative, in her mind, was being on her own, which was worse. Of course, things went downhill, and eventually, she drifted away from that group and started meeting new people. That went on for couple of months, and the end of September through much of October was pretty rough.
To be honest, she just had to get through it. There were many tearful phone calls and TODs (texts of doom). Initially I tried to offer lots of advice, and she did try some things, which were not always successful. As time went on, I was more of a sounding board for her to vent. Someone here, maybe @doschicos , gave some very good advice, which was to ask her what she wanted to do about whatever issue was making her unhappy. That worked for both of us.
My advice would be to help your kid set realistic expectations before they go. There will be some problems, and thatâs okay. It is likely that college may not seem like the best four years of their lives, at least at first. They need to persevere and get through it, as hard as that may be for them and for you. Honestly, it was so bad for a while (already though, canât believe how awful it seemed at the time) that I was seriously considering just taking her out of college and taking the loss. But of course I knew that wouldnât solve anything. There may be situations where that is warranted, but I knew hers wasnât one of them. I have now talked to many adult friends who tell me either they hated their first year of college, or their child had a terrible first year. I think itâs relatively rare that a kid starts college and itâs all great from the get go.
My son will get the benefits of the mistakes made with my daughter. I do feel that by and large, we navigated the waters of The College Process pretty successfully. And @porcupine98 , I was just thinking that this might be a good topic for a new thread:-)
@Lindagaf, This is very helpful. My husband and I would have made similar comments before our D left and now will not! . I too thank you for being honest. And they way you handled your whole experience. It has been insightful. Finally congrats on the great grades your daughter received. It says a lot that she can pull those grades out with all she had going on. And I did start a new thread on this topic a few minutes ago!
Thanks so much for sharing. I just want to add that your D must be pretty darn strong and resilient to be able to do so well academically when going through what she did. It sounds like whatever happens, the worst is behind her. Wishing her all the best!!
What about Bard? Thatâs the first school I think of when someone says âcoolâ kid and it seems rigorous enough that you couldnât party too hard and still be successful.
Sorry! Didnât realize this thread was old!!!
No problem, @Basbleu . Hopefully someone else will stumble on this and check out Bard:-)
So happy for your D that it all worked out for her and well done on 1st semester GPA!
I have now read this thread last year and this year, it is wonderful. I hope your daughter loved her second semester!
@manykids2000 Yes, she had a great second semester and loved short term. She understands that college is not high school. She just missed out on the Deanâs List second semester. She had a really difficult class that she got a C in. She learned the hard way that she needs to be proactive about seeing the professor early on when she is finding a class difficult. She has been hanging out with friends from college this summer, as well as working and learning Japanese. She will be taking Japnese next semester and is teaching herself characters in preparation.
So around March 7th, she calls up and says she is going to put in some transfer apps. We had had several conversations about this in the fall and she was aware that transfer apps are due by March 15th. She knew what was involved. I casually asked her if she had asked her profs for recs, asked her high school to send her transcripts, notified College Board, and been to the registrarâs office. And by the way, where exactly was she planning to transfer to? Imagine my shock when a few days later she said she wasnât going to transfer. :))
LOVE IT all. love that it is real life stuff! Thank you for sharing.
@Lindagaf I am so happy to hear this!
As a Wolverine, I must say Columbus, Ohio is likely the worst place on Earth.
@Lindagaf just curious what were her top reasons for considering a transfer back in March? Was it primarily the same reason as before- that Bates doesnât offer a particular academic program that interests her? Or is it a size/location/vibe issue? Lastly, to where would she have been interested in transferring? Sorry for all the questions- I know she has been happy at Bates after a rough start but would love some insight even though she decided to stay put and is a happy Bobcat.
@lr4550 , I donât think she had any real reasons. She may still be toying with studying linguistics, and if she seriously does want to do that, she might decide to transfer after all. No idea where to. She did discuss this with her adviser, who said she can create a major because there are profs who can teach that. I donât know how strongly she is interested though.
Definitely not size or vibe, though she complained at the beginning that a lot of clubs donât start up right away because students run them and need to get back into campus life. The location has really grown on her. She finds it fascinating that in the least diverse state in the country, she lives in a town with a sizable population of Somalian and French-Canadian immigrants. She likes the proximity to Portland, Freeport, and other parts of Maine. She says she is starting to feel almost like part of the community there, because locals are always on campus and the school is across the street. They do go out in Lewiston, even if itâs not cute and charming.
While she was away, if I asked her what she did that weekend, the answer was always ânot much.â Now that sheâs home, hereâs what ânot muchâ actually was: going to the beach with friends a couple of times, numerous shuttle trips to Freeport, Portland, and other places in Maine, many numerous dances and parties, numerous hikes, numerous ice skating sessions (I had no idea Bates has an ice rink), numerous volunteer things, numerous trips with her club, numerous nights eating out with friends (we pay for her food at school, so that kind of annoys me), numerous home games, numerous other things that I have no idea what they were, trips to the Mall of Maine, and a session at Lewistonâs indoor trampoline place. Plus dozens of nights/days hanging out with friends. Plus classes, homework, and studying. So I donât think her life was quite as boring as she led me to believe:-)
OMG @Lindagaf, post #432 is hilarious. Been there, done that. (Not transferring specifically, but you know, the other Planning Things.)