Our son makes more than enough and is finally buying his own plane tickets - we do cover all meals etc. But if he ever finds an SO, I would be tempted to settle a large sum on her in gratitude. Tell your daughters! 
11 Likes
Sometimes I think this is just a bridge that both parents and their offspring have to cross as the offspring become young adults - especially graduates ones.
If there are SO’s at the moment you should first have a discussion with your children - should we as a group be considering your SO in this trip planning? The answer might be yes or no. At that point t if the answer is yes, everyone has to think about their budget. And then as parents you can put an offer on the table and see where the conversation goes.
The trip at hand needs to fit the budget of everyone in the party, SO’s or not. With SO’s maybe you say “as parents we can pay for lodging for all and food while we’re there, but all offspring and SO’s will need to cover airfare and incidentals. Point being, offspring if they want to include their SO need to thing “as a couple” - and work out in their end.
If it’s too much $ maybe change travel locations.
Decide: is the location more important or the time together???
4 Likes
I have often been accused of being too direct and too explicit when I am explaining things to my children over the years - why don’t I just assume they can make inferences and extrapolations? But I find it comes in handy with these types of invitations because (especially with college students and young adults in their 20s) - they are navigating these types of situations for the first time and have a huge range of personal experience.
Being explicit on what I was covering and was not covering allowed all the invitees to understand their financial commitment before they agreed to/arrived on a vacation they hadn’t been involved in planning. Some were experienced international student travelers using miles to pay for their ticket, some had only ever traveled with family, one had never flown on a plane or gone on vacation outside of visiting family by car.
They all got the same invitation with the same explicit understanding that we would cover everything except flights and souvenirs. We had also checked to see the price of tickets before offering the vacation and they were fairly inexpensive - less than $150 round trip from the airport nearest the college. We told them the cost of tickets for the flight our daughter was already booked on, so again they could choose to say yes or no understanding the cost.
I very much feel like as much information as possible upfront is better in these situations and presenting it all at one time directly reduces/eliminates misunderstandings.
7 Likes
I wouldn’t have a clue how much skiing costs. I have never been and doubt I will ever go. I’m sure I’d be terrified. But, I wouldn’t mind sitting in a pretty place, by a fire, reading a book, and sipping on a beverage while others did ski.
But I am an old lady, so that might not be appealing to a young man.
2 Likes
The bigger picture is remembering that frustration or disappointment is the result of the gap between expectation and reality. The way to minimize that is communication from the beginning, as @abasket described. I truly think this is a concept that every couple should be taught before marriage.
When I was in Texas at Christmas, my sister told me she was upset at me about an incident from a year and a half ago. She said, “I had hoped you would do _______.” I could actually see her point in hindsight but at the time I had no clue. I’ve told my husband that phrases such as, “I was looking forward to…” or “I really wanted to do ______” are not fair. Communication needs to happen up front to minimize that gap between expectation and reality. So much hurt can be avoided. People aren’t mind readers!
8 Likes
I like the phrase, Clarity is kindness. You might think you are protecting feelings by being vague, but I’ve found that to not be the case. That said, you don’t have to present everyone with an itemized bill of expected expenses. It might make what is a generous offer feel too transactional for some.
4 Likes
Will you adopt me? That sounds like an awesome trip!
2 Likes
I would expect to pay for the lift ticket for the fiancé. The lesson I don’t think is unreasonable for him to pay for himself since your daughter isn’t getting a lesson paid for.
When my husband and I were dating and engaged we went skiing every January with his family. They paid for the condo, food and lift tickets. I was the only one taking a lesson and I paid for that. I would have been insulted and felt unwanted if they had not,paid for me what they were paying for their children.
2 Likes
When our parents had our SOs around before we married, it was usually at a meal and my parents invariably paid meals for everyone present. They didn’t pay airfares once we were married and never offered to pay airfares of our SOs and none of us expected that.
Being clear does help minimize misunderstandings and hurt feelings for everyone.
1 Like
My whole extended family go on vacations every year. We have been doing it since our kids were babies. They are all grown with SOs. I have seen my siblings transition from paying for everything to paying for room & board and their kids pay for airfares to now the kids are paying for everything themselves. If I remember correctly, the kids and their SOs paid for all activities.
I am still subsidizing D2 a bit because she is a first year associate. We are going to Italy this summer. D1 and I are paying for most of the expenses, but I am sure D2 will pay for few meals.
iMO, I think th BF shouldn’t expect the parents to pay. They are already paying for room and board. The ski trip is for the daughters, not for him. If he can’t afford to pay for his ski stuff then he shouldn’t go.
1 Like
But this isn’t a boyfriend, it’s the fiancé. IMO, there is a difference.
As a young person, I would not want to be using my limited vacation time without my soon to be spouse.
5 Likes
I always think when it’s possible, “err” on the side of inclusiveness versus exclusion.
My MIL always included me from the very beginning in all aspects of gift giving, etc.
I learned over the years via girlfriend chats etc that my MIL was the exception. Apparently, many of my friends typically never received gifts from their in-laws on bdays and were surprised that not only did I receive monetary gifts etc but always in the same amount that they gave my husband and his siblings.
I have always felt like another member of the family, not a “guest”.
I plan to do the same if I am ever lucky enough to have a DIL.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong per se as long there is always respect in both sides; but definitely feelings are attached to whatever one’s approach is to interacting with in-laws.
9 Likes
Lol good one!
DrGoogle123, I think you might have hit the nail on the head. He might just not want to ski but he does want to go.
1 Like
Then don’t go. I don’t see why the parents need to pay for his time. It sounds like he would only go if he didn’t have to pay for anything.
Again, the ski trip was for the daughters’ birthday, not for the financé’s.
1 Like
I have told my kids I will rent us all a place to stay for an upcoming November wedding of my nephew. I’ve asked my D to help us find a nice place where we can all be happy together. She agreed to look.
My S and his GF always handle their own airfare. D books her own and let’s us and S know if she needs help—points, cash, or a deal. We are able and happy to pay for the lodging. We will pay for anything we all do together and folks will pay for whatever they chose to do without us.
1 Like
Then you risk your child not coming. I think parents need to figure out what is most important- an expensive outing or spending time together.
3 Likes
Our kids pay sometimes but since our earnings are many multiples of their’s it seems stupid for them to pay most of the time. We are tentatively planning a big family trip and we will cover most of the cost. If they offer to pay for a dinner or two then I’d be cool with it.
1 Like
It seems to me that extending family vacations/trips into the age of adulthood (especially well into adulthood) and after marriage of offspring is a relatively recent phenomenon. Multigenerational trips with grandkids as well.
Especially when it happens year after year.
I do think having a family vacation home where everyone meets up is a bit different than traveling to different destinations. Not sure why I feel that way.
I just wonder if lots of the parents on here were taken on vacations by their own parents after they were launched.
3 Likes
Even in college/grad school, my folks would tell me if they were going to be in a city near me and if I was so inclined, I could get my body there and have a meal with them and then get myself back to school. I could sleep in their room if I was so inclined or go back, whatever.
As a launched adult, when we had family “reunions,” we were each responsible for the costs of our own lodging/hotel room and transportation. If we common meals, we would offer to split or my dad would insist in picking up the entire tab.
As my folks aged, we traveled with them to keep them safe. Whomever went with them paid their own travel. I’d also pay for the rental car. My folks would buy their own tickets but I upgraded them and us to economy plus, for added comfort. Dad liked to pay for the meals but sometimes. We also paid for the private tour for all of us. We’d have to state in advance special reasons that we were picking up the bill—a birthday and we wanted to treat or something. Otherwise dad always wanted to treat.
1 Like