I think there becomes a delicate balance how we have conversations and invitations for our adult children.
For instance, was the invitation made during a family gathering and the children accepted right away? Were the expectations of who pays what put out before the invitation?
I’ve found that what was expected with my parents and siblings was very different than what my husband experienced. And we come from pretty similar upbringings.
It drove my husband crazy that my parents would put out these invitations for vacations where everyone went Dutch. We spent and spend our money very differently than my parents did and do. His parents spent their money very differently than mine did. My family spends our money very differently than our siblings do.
My husband had family friends who owned a cabin in the Sleeping Bear Dunes area. The owners were best friends with my in laws.
When I was pregnant with my daughter and my son was a toddler, my in laws asked us if we wanted to spend the week after Labor Day at their friends cabin. We eagerly agreed and drove up there. We were buying our first home, had saved all of our dimes for a down payment. We were very excited to stay in this beautiful area. My brother in law used the cabin all the time, he was a poor medical student at the time. The in laws said they would let us use their cabin and not charge us. They never charged their other son.
So we get to the cabin and the owners were leaving. My husband trying to be helpful, asked what he could do and did they want any money for us staying there? Why yes we do, the owner gave my husband a detailed list of chores and said it would be the weekly rate they got for the cottage. So my husband wrote him a check, what else could he do?
The hot water stopped working, my husband had to do plumbing. My toddler didn’t sleep and the week was disappointing. I was so upset that we were spending money we didn’t have on this place. We ended up leaving early.
My in laws were so surprised. They didn’t think their best friends would charge us. I found out my brother in law never offered to pay and the owners never charged him any money. My in laws also did not offer to pay us for the week even though they told us we would not be charged.
Expectations different. Didn’t make that mistake again.
I agree, clear expectations and agreements about expenses are important with our adult kids. We will be venturing into this area with S and his GF this November when there is a wedding and they fly in for the event. I plan to reserve and pay for the hotel rooms or vrbo. They will deal with their flights and pay for them as they always do. I will wait until closer to the date to be sure it’s still happening. The GF has never been down here but we expect to treat her as family and pay for her as we do our two kids.
I personally think expecting future in laws to pay for ski lift tickets is a bit too much, even if they offer to me I would decline regardless of my ability to pay, if I can’t pay, I won’t do that activity, I’ll just tag along, I think it’s borderline of mooching.
When I take my kids out to a restaurant, I pay for the whole meal. When there’s a family vacation, I pay for the accommodation. I agree ahead that I will pay for windsurfing lesson and massage session for all at a high end hotel. But if they do some other water sport like jet skiing, they pay for it, especially when my husband and I are not participating.
We did something like DrGoogle123 when we took our kids and one SO to the Caribbean on a trip. We paid for all flights and lodging. We paid for all dining out meals we attended, and all groceries and alcohol for the place (we did limit the number of alcohol drinks we would buy when we were out, which I know some won’t agree with). We also paid for one snorkeling/boat tour for the entire group. If they chose to go get coffee or drinks, or have meals on their own, they paid. If they wanted to do excursions on their own, they paid for those too.
Expecting, sure, but it would get offensive if the person kept insisting on paying and refused to participate out of pride. I do not accept money even when offered if I’m treating. I never allow my DD’s friends to pay. The BF paid once, and that was the first time we met and they had only been dating a few months (which is why I didn’t pay for the whole thing). It was an expensive ski trip. I paid for his flight and all meals and non-skiing activities. His mother paid for his hotel. And he saved up and paid for his equipment rental and lift ticket. Both of them were students at the time. Since then, if he comes along, I pay. When my DD goes out with his parents, they pay. He offers sometimes and I decline and we move along. If he kept insisting I’d get annoyed and offended as he knows my position on the issue. I don’t consider allowing someone who wants to pay mooching.
Wow, skiing these days is incredibly expensive, even if you already have all the gear and don’t need lessons. If money is an issue, I wouldn’t plan a ski trip. I’ve gotten my husband an annual ski pass for his birthday the last couple of years, because it motivates him to stay in shape year-round. It’s an hour and a half drive to a great ski resort. I used to ski frequently, but the cost even in Maine is so steep I have no interest in going.
This is a good reminder to plan ahead and think of how much you’re willing to spend before making an offer. As the daughter, I would also think my parents would include my fiancé in all activities.
MTA: Oh my gosh I just looked. For Saturday, March 5, a lift ticket at Vail is $239. $209 if you book online ahead of time! That’s more than Disney. The resort near us is $115 for the same day. And of course that doesn’t include gear rental or lessons.
I can relate. My Inlaws invited us on a ski trip to Canada when we were newly married. It was a cross country skiing resort area…and believe me, the lodging was not a bargain. We had our own equipment, and the passes for x country trails weren’t that costly. BUT it was a LONG drive from where we lived.
We just declined to go. It caused a lot of hard feelings (we weren’t the only ones who declined).
Skiing is expensive. If you aren’t a skier, you won’t own equipment and will likely benefit from a lesson. And you can’t do any of that without a pass for at least the day. These aren’t a bargain either.
I guess what I’m saying…if you invite your kids on a trip…either make the costs they will bear clear up front, pay for a lot of the costs, or don’t be disappointed if they decline the offer.
We want to go on a family vacation with both of our kids and our SIL. They all have different financial pictures. We are trying to choose something that will be affordable for all…thinking renting a place near the beach will work. It doesn’t cost a fortune to go to the beach, or even rent bicycles for a day or whatever.
When I paid ahead for two days at Disney World for DH and me in October, he asked how much it cost. I said, “Well, it’s the same as lift tickets for the two of us at Vail for two days” and he went white.
My oldest is still in college, but when I invited her college friends to join us for a beach vacation - I was clear with the invitation that they had to pay airfare and souvenirs. Everything else would be taken care of by us. We paid for our daughter’s airfare, but she was also expected to pay for her own souvenirs.
I wouldn’t extend an invitation to others where I was not willing to treat everyone invited equally. Activity-wise - we paid for a boat trip, paddle-boarding and kayaking (it was a week long trip). The rest of their activities were free (laying on the beach, swimming, hiking, shelling). We also paid for groceries/snacks/sunscreen&bug spray etc…but there were days where the girls went out and ate/did something on their own, using their own money.
Edited to Add: Each of the friends at some point tried to pay us money towards activities and I had to remind them this was supposed to be a treat for all of them, and they were getting treated like we were treating our daughter.
I would not pay for my kids while leaving SO to pay for themselves. If the idea was that it was a birthday gift just for your kid I’d just send a birthday card with check to equal cost ahead of time.
Maya, I asked my daughters if that is what they wanted to do. We usually just give them a gift card and take them all out for dinner but they liked the idea of doing something together since we don’t see each other often. They thought about it and got back to me that they wanted to do it. They will have their own birthday celebration on their own on her actual birthday date. This is not Vail but we are still renting the house, with enough bedrooms for everyone, which is not cheap, and we are paying for all the meals out, including alcohol We chose a place that is closer to their home so they don’t have a long drive. My daughter was not upset about this. If anything, I felt bad when he said he could not afford it. However, if he had not said that, I would have been fine if he paid for his lesson and ticket as we are paying for everything else and my daughters will not be doing a lesson so he will do this to pass the time while they are skiing. Also, these are not college kids. They are in mid-20’s with jobs.
It’s still a heck of a lot of money. Hundreds of dollars.
I remember when I was in my 20s. My husband and I were new engineers but we were pinching pennies. I remember realizing my parents had totally forgotten what that was like.
It’s possible, he doesn’t really want to do it, maybe it’s an excuse, he can read a book there.
My non-computer science kid can afford a lot of trips on her meager salary. I never paid for them ever.
Was it clear on the initial invite that the fiancé would be coming along? I mean, I understand they are engaged and live together. Did you specifically include him in the invite, or did the daughter assume he was coming, too?
My D has gone skiing a few times and it was always made clear at the outset what her expenses would be, which was good as she has limited finances—much less than her trust fund friends. For one trip, she was not allowed to pay for anything—they loaned her clothing and loaned/rented her gear, flew her with them and paid for everything. The other trip, she had to pay for her flights but everything else was covered. She has very generous friends.
We are planning to go to Austria this Christmas. We’ve invited both GFs. One S/GF are 1-2 years out of school. Other S/GF still in college. It’s going to cost us a mini fortune that probably would be better saved for retirement, but we really want to go. But this (like most things we do with the kids/GFs) we pay for airfare, lodging, all meals, snacks and excursions we do together. If they go out and do something on their own (which is fine), they pay. They also pay for souvenirs unless I just feel like getting someone for them like a gift.
I think if they are still in college than it’s understandable, but my kid with a meager salary went skiing near Switzerland/France border, then treated herself to a nice spa treatment afterwards, she paid for everything herself, she only borrowed my ski clothes and winter coat, this is before the pandemic, she’s glad she did the trip because she can’t spend that money now.
I’m not blaming @lia_b, they put out an invitation, maybe wasn’t as detailed at it should be but renting a house and paying for meals out is quite generous. Paying the expenses of the kids lift tickets, also a very nice gift.
I think where it gets complicated is what do you pay for and what don’t you. The girls could have asked what was included, the parents could have stated what was included.
The problem I see is that sometimes you get caught up in this, isn’t this a great thing to do without a detailed plan of what is expected. And the fiancé may have thought about it without realizing how very expensive skiing is. I’m not really sure he really knew, when you don’t ski, you don’t always think out how expensive one day of skiing is going to be. He may have school loans to pay or had expensive car repairs. Things you think you can afford, sometimes become things you really can’t right now.
I also not sure that I would feel great that I couldn’t afford a day on the slopes while the rest of the group was skiing or I was hanging out for the day with my soon to be in laws.
