@LKnomad - There is a fairly simple way to test your essay to see if it is in your voice: Read it out loud to someone. Does it sound like you talking or are you stumbling over words you would never yourself use? Does it flow smoothly or are you forcing formality? For example, so many students use the word “plethora,” but would you really say to another person, “I have had a plethora of opportunities to demonstrate how I aspire to achieve…”
As for "showing, not telling"I advise students to think of most obvious example of showing vs telling a story is a movie script. It draws us into a story, and makes us love the main character in the story. The “secret recipe” for doing this is in the ingredients and structure of the screenplay.
Ingredient #1: The Goal - You will notice that there is always something at stake in a movie, whether it’s saving the world, finding someone to love, going after something other people want, or going after something the main character wants. It’s that thing at stake that will drive the story forward.
Ingredient #2: The Conflict -Only in a boring (and short) movie would the main character attain the goal right away. It doesn’t happen immediately because there is always an element of conflict or nemesis or transformation. People or circumstances or events always get in the way of attaining the goal, and the battle to overcome that person or thing or event is what draws us into the story as the transformation occurs.
Ingredient #3: The Flaw - In the best films, the main character has an issue, a problem, a character flaw, a fear, a disability, or a burden that will get in the way of attaining the goal. The film needs to show how the conflict or nemesis in the film can only be overcome by the main character transforming and conquering his or her issue (or problem or character flaw or fear or disability or burden) and attain the goal.
Ingredient #4: The Transformation (Character Development) - By overcoming his or her own issues to resolve the overall conflict or defeat the nemesis, the hero or heroine emerges as a stronger person. There is a story arc (character development) in place. The concept of change – and change for the better – is important in our story telling.
Simple example: Early in a film you might get a glimpse of our hero’s fear of snakes. Now let’s say that the situation that presents the conflict is for our hero to be trapped in an Egyptian tomb. The quest is to find the way out and escape. But the twist is that when he figures out just how to go about doing that, he finds the way is blocked with snakes (“Snakes! It has to be snakes!”). So he has to overcome his fear (and thus change and become a stronger person) to escape his situation. While it seems like the main plot is to escape from the tomb, overcoming his fear is the really the HEART of the screenplay and what makes us more emotionally involved with the character.
All of this applies as well to essays. The best personal statements are those in which you are asked to explain how you’ve overcome a conflict or obstacle to achieve something. (more in next post)
