<p>Duke has an optional essay about why I want to attend Duke. Here is the prompt:</p>
<p>(For Arts and Sciences Applicants Only) If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.</p>
<p>I wrote a rough draft last night and was wondering if someone could read over it for me. My friend said it sounded too plain, without enough personal connections. She recommended that it would be better not to submit the essay rather than submit an average one. Please give me your opinion too!</p>
<p>Combine school spirit, unparalleled medical facilities, and diverse people, landscape, and architecture. The result: Duke University. What first caught my eye about Duke was Krzyzewskiville. The name in itself astounded me and its origin even more. Every basketball season, hundreds of tents are set up as Duke students gather to support the Cameron Crazies. Only a tight-knit community like Duke could start a tradition of such magnitude.
I was further blown away by the varied atmosphere Duke has to offer. By combining new buildings with old, by joining technology with nature, Dukes diverse campus provides an array of settings varying from the busy Bryan Center to the serene Chapel. Yet all across campus, the feeling of family remains, ensuring that I can call Duke my home and its students my friends. </p>
<p>I also wanted to add something about my interest in Duke's medical programs. Like this: </p>
<p>With top-rated libraries, hospitals, and medical programs, Duke is ideal for me, a student who plans on studying and researching medicine.</p>
<p>except I don't know how to incorporate it into what i've already written. Help! :]</p>
<p>I kinda have mixed feelings about it - you need to show more personal connections. Right now, it sounds more like some kinda view book description. Change "Duke" to a new car from Toyota and the "campus" to a few of its features - it sounds pretty much the same now. You are telling, not showing. </p>
<p>But I really like the part about what astounded you - there is a genuine voice there: your voice. However, it quickly fades into "stating the obvious". </p>
<p>Try using your own words (just ramble down a couple of lines, change 'em around, and repeat it). Why do I want to attend Duke? When did I first hear about it? What makes it special to ME? If you're only into it for the "prestige" it will show.</p>
<p>I very much agree with bre. I would get into more personal detail like why duke fits you. what you're describing is kinda general and anyone kinda knows that. Duke already knows that it has good medical facilities and school spirit but what about YOU makes duke a fit?</p>
<p>Thanks for your criticisms. I revised my essay with your advice and by looking at some other examples. Here is the new version:</p>
<pre><code>When I was younger, college seemed to be the next step in life. It didn’t matter where; the purpose was just to learn more. But by high school, I realized that there were millions of colleges to choose from. When I tried to narrow down my list, I was bombarded with student-teacher ratios, financial aid packages, study-abroad opportunities, and thousands of cardstock handbooks all portraying beautiful campuses with smiling students on their covers. Soon, every college seemed almost the same. Then, something stuck out to me from the pile. It was not some impressive statistic nor was it a particularly long list of notable faculty members. It was the word Krzyzewskiville. The name itself astounded me and its origin even more. As I gazed at the sea of tents covering the lawn, I could imagine myself there as well, caught up in the school spirit that undoubtedly pervades the atmosphere. Only a tight-knit community like Duke could have a tradition of such impressive magnitude.
I was further blown away by the varied atmosphere Duke has to offer. By combining new buildings with old, by joining technology with nature, Duke’s diverse campus provides an array of settings varying from the busy Bryan Center to the serene Chapel. This diversity ensures I can always find a place to belong. In addition, with top-rated libraries, hospitals, and medical facilities, Duke’s academic resources are ideal for me, a student who plans on studying and researching medicine. The pre-med program is unparalleled as well, with Duke University School of Medicine, one of the top medical schools in the nation, accessible from the undergraduate campus.
K-ville may have been the first thing that caught my eye but as I learned more about the school, I realize that it is the unique combination of culture and opportunities make Duke the university I hope to call home.
</code></pre>
<p>Would someone be willing to offer helpful criticism about my Duke supplemental essay? I just want to make sure it’s not too broad, one of those “why this college” essay that works for like a dozen different schools.</p>