Why have parents gone crazy in the last 10 years?

Parents Forum
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<p>I have been in education for a couple decades, and I am a parent (of young kids). The parent attitudes and behavior that I have increasingly seen the the last 10 years is confusing and disturbing, and well-represented in posts to CC. These mindsets and behaviors did not previously exist so predominantly:</p>

<ol>
<li>The top 20 USNWR schools are the only ones worth attending.</li>
<li>My average to above average child deserves to go to to an elite, selective school.</li>
<li>My average to above average child stands a chance to get into an elite, selective school.</li>
<li>If my average to above average child does not get into an elite, selective school, their future is ruined.</li>
<li>Success in life is most measured by prestige and income.</li>
<li>I will elbow my way into my child's school and college life in a way that my parents never would have dreamed of, i.e., contacting administrators and professors to challenge a grade.</li>
</ol>

<p>When I listen to and think about many (most?) parents today it is like trying to relate to aliens.</p>

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<p>I think it depends where you live. I see that mindset on here a lot, but I don’t think I’ve seen it even once in real life.</p>

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<p>The seeds of it may be in those birthday parties for one-year-olds, complete with custom cake, bounce houses, live entertainment, and invitations to all of the parents. Ever been to one of those parties, where there are more adults than children? If the one-year-old gets a custom cake and a bounce house for the first birthday, where does it go from there? Same with education. Put the kid in college prep kindergarten, and there is no place to land except an Ivy League. Any other alternatives are unacceptable.</p>

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<p>If you stay off the Ivy forums out here, IMHO you see a pretty different picture. It is more common for student to come out here and only list the very top colleges and want “chances” for getting into them. Most parents are just trying to find an option they can afford where there kids will be accepted, be happy, and have a good shot at their career goals after college. Sure, there are a some of the kind you describe. But I think you are exaggerating, at least compared to at least 75% of the parent posters out here. </p>

<p>Go look for threads about contacting an administrator or professor about challenging a grade. You would rarely find even one poster advising that if an original poster asks if it is a good idea. The only situation in which you will see that advice out here would be if the kid had a serious health issue (like a mental health issue requiring withdrawal from school).</p>

<p>Your post strikes me as a sweeping generalization that doesn’t match most of the CC population.</p>

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<p>I know lots of parents with kids ranging from below average to superstars, and I’ve never encountered those attitudes. Glad I don’t live in OP’s community!</p>

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<p>I also think it may be regional (or maybe just on CC). We lived in Texas when our kids were in HS and there was no “college race”. All of the above average kids wanted to go to University of Texas or Texas A&M. The average kids were happy with Texas Tech or UNT. Maybe the occasional kid went to Oklahoma or Arkansas. If you wanted private, it was SMU or TCU - maybe Rice for the occasional brainiac. It was all pretty simple. Rare that even valedictorians went out of state. </p>

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<p>deleted</p>

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<p>I too live in Texas. I see two different pictures in different areas of my life. As a parent, I am appalled by the pressure many of our D’s friends have faced about college, including starting many hours of SAT prep in 7th grade and parent mandates such as “you WILL go to Stanford” (mostly from less well-educated but ambitious parents who have no idea what that really takes). Our D will happily attend an excellent liberal arts college this fall, but most of her friends applied only to the big Texas schools or to the Ivy League and seem to have no knowledge or interest of the many other great options. On the other hand, as a full-time,tenured professor of 23 years at two different high qualiity insitutions, I have never once had a parent contact me to complain or to challege a grade. I teach a difficult class with over 150 students each semester, with no grade inflation (15% or fewer A’s) and students meet with me often to ask for help. I guess what I think is that many students somehow survive their parents’ pressures and handle themselves well when they get to a college or university. </p>

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<p>@MaryKTX‌,</p>

<p>I am one of those less educated parents(waving hand vigorously) that you speak of in your post.</p>

<p>if a parent sees something in their child, I think the parent should have a vision for their children. Especially those who find themselves on the low end of the low SES rung. I see nothing wrong with wanting better for your offspring. Is SAT prep a bit much for kids in 7th grade? Absolutely! I agree, but many Asians send their kids to hagwons for math prep in kindergarten. But there is something to be said for thinking about the college process early. Putting things in place & planting a few seeds. Most kids at DDs school didn’t start to get serious & think about the process until the spring of junior year. And guess what? Often times it’s too late to clean up the mess that they had created.</p>

<p>Things have changed now which is nice, new programs have been implemented & Naviance was introduced last fall. DD was well on her way at that point, so the programs & Naviance weren’t of much assistance to her. </p>

<p>What’s ironic is that I have never met another parent at DDs school that was so focused on admission to HSCs. My reason for it? Because I learned early in her HS career that these institutions give the best FA packages. And it’s true, these schools have not disappointed us at all. Most parents at her school are either not involved at all or encourage their children to apply to HBCUs where the FA is horrendous. Many people told me it couldn’t be done, or the GCs at her school would bristle at the mere sight of me…I’m sure they felt that due to my low education and being an inner city dweller(and other things) that I was nuts to want more!!! Lol So we low educated parents can make a huge difference in the lives of our children!! I encourage it more. </p>

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<p>@NewHavenCTmom: but I don’t think Mary KTX’s citation applies to you. I have no idea of your background but your posts have always shown a well-thought out plan and rationale for your guidance of your kid. MaryKTX is speaking about parents who are clueless about the avg likelihood of what it takes to get into a school like Stanford but drive their kids to the big “names” w/o regard to the many other great options available. I think snarl’s conclusions may be clouded by many CC posters – our eyes tend to gravitate towards and we tend to reply to those scenarios that really stand out, good or bad.</p>

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<p>Part of what’s driving the parent craziness is the cost of college nowadays. If a restaurant charges 16 bucks for a steak, people’s expectations are a lot different than if it charged 60 bucks for a steak.</p>

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<p>

It may be; that is why I am asking the question, not to provoke but to understand.

I do live in a fairly opulent area, and that might explain what I have seen and heard. I still wonder about the noticeable increase of these attitudes. Rich people seemed content to send Johnny to flagship U in the 80s.
Thanks for the responses</p>

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<p>You are lucky indeed, @MaryKTX. My first call from a parent came when I was a TA at a state flagship 25 years ago Parent wanted to know what I was trying to do to her D’s grades. She’d earned a B. She made enough of a stink that the kid’s paper had to be retread by my supervising prof. </p>

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<p>So based on my kid’s acceptances, I suppose I qualify as a tiger mom, though I’m not the stereotype of the OP. I I was primarily motivated by a concern with affordability, and in the end, aside from the adequate state school, only the elite LAC’s and HYPS were affordable. Our safeties turned out to be financial rejections. </p>

<p>Even though I had suspected this outcome for years, I was still shocked. </p>

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<p>I agree. What has changed dramatically is the cost. My mother was a stay-at-home mom as I am, and my dad worked in a factory. Only the eldest brother of Dad’s large family had been able to attend college–Bucknell. My parents were still able to afford to send my siblings and me to good private colleges. The cost to them was a smaller proportion of Dad’s income than it would have been of H’s professional income if S had attended my alma mater. He did not attend, partly because even with their top scholarship, the price was too high. Our S did not apply to Bucknell, but that year it was the most expensive LAC in the United States. While an excellent school, it is not HYPS, is not known across the country and just did not seem worth that cost even if we could have afforded it. </p>

<p>Now many private colleges are simple too expensive for the middle class to justify. So in parents’ minds there are fewer options that make sense economically. Either the very, very elite schools with great prestige and superb FA, or state schools. Those good LAC’s are out of reach for many of us now. </p>

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<p>The OP sums up the attitudes here in New England pretty well. People here are obsessed with the Ivies, especially in the middle and upper middle class suburbs. </p>

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<p>The pendulum swings both ways. I think there has been a shift in how the newer parents are or are not focused on their kids. My kids span 15 years from oldest to youngest, and I see this very clearly. </p>

<p>So to answer the OP’s question from my viewpoint, there are a number of reasons for this. This is a capitalist country and for those who want to reap the benefits monetarily from that model, it takes hard earned money. When you don’t come from money, you have to work for it, even fight for it. Those early years with my kids involved a lot of that, to buy the better neighborhoods, schools and opportunities that DH and I did NOT have growing up, that I had so coveted. I liked having those things, still do. And education at fine schools was my penchant. You can keep the fancy cars, and fine wines, I liked the schools. </p>

<p>The problem was that the trend was moving that way at the same time. So there were a whole lot of us who felt the same way. Also being the baby boom generation, there were even more of us. When one checks out the fine schools, and the other schools, the whole package is usually a heck of a lot better at those highly selective schools. There has been a snowball effect which occurs when there is interest, a lot of interest in scarce resources, but if you look at the stats, if you are going to pay $65K a year for a school, you get a lot more, better value at the top ones. The grad rates, the facilities, the student satisfaction ,the experience and yes the pananche. Lots of lustre is saying you go to HPY, or your kids does, a lot more than if that H stood for Hyland College, P for Perenso College and Y for Yoring State. </p>

<p>I think your statements are to the extreme though there may be some out there who think exactly along those lines. I know the stereotype parent that is focused on this, to the max, and they still aren’t that rigid. They want a top school, yes, but not necessarily just the top 20, they are scared to death their kids won’t get into a school for which their stats and resume show they could and so they focus on it </p>

<p>I have a friend who counsels kids and packages them for high stakes schools and her business has boomed in the last few years. Her results are good, better than most who don’t use such services, because she does know how to make the 4 years of high school on paper, reduced to stats stand out so the chances are better. I wish I could afford her services, though even if I could have my kids have been too obdurate to toe the line for any advice. </p>

<p>The fin aid aspect and the value for money and prestige are right in there. One of my kids turned down ivy for a tiny no name school that gets a blank look from most folks. Yeah, I wish he’d taken the ivy a lot of times, how much of a difference in the things like opportunity, respect. And as Mary pointed out for those who are looking for good aid packages, the rule pretty much is that top schools have more money. And they have more money for all kinds of things, not just fin aid.</p>

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<p>Local/Regional culture. That’s my answer. The mindset described by the OP is tied to logal/regional culture, but it is spreading. </p>

<p>Where I live (small metro-pop 100k + a few suburb-like communities), the secondary school choices are public or Catholic. The Catholic school is old and worn, but has incredible sports teams. It is chosen by people who want to send their children to a church-affiliated school because the education isn’t any better than the publics. Anyway, most people attend one of three large publics. Ask kids where they want to go and the answer is one of three places–2 well-regarded state Us and 1 flagship in a bordering state. They’re not the fallback schools; they’re generally first choice. Kids who don’t want big generally hit an area private. </p>

<p>My kids didn’t apply to any school that would be considered highly selective, top twenty (except in regional rankings), tippy top, elite, etc. The younger one’s got the stats for some, but there really is minimal pressure here to fight for a spot at a brand name place. There are always a handful of kids who aim that high, but the attitude is more “whatever works for you, kiddo” than “wow”. </p>

<p>I love cc. Think it’s a hoot. Enjoy the insight. Learn a lot, but quite a bit of the time I feel like a bumpkin (or that I’m so dense I’m missing all this intense pressure that has to be around me somewhere). But what’s more likely (at least I hope that’s the case) is that there are pressure cooker places, but they are certainly not everywhere. I’m not even sure they’re the majority of places. </p>

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<p>We lived in Northern Virginia for awhile and I don’t think it’s all about the money. We watched our three year old get dropped from a swim course at our local community center in Northern Virginia because the instructor believed that she was holding back the rest of the class – who apparently all had Olympic aspirations, LOL. I met people who were paying for private swim lessons for two year olds. There was this psycho woman who was very upset that the gifted class included kids from the top FIVE percent of the population IQ-wise, while her daughter was in the top THREE percent – apparently she was worried that her child’s IQ would drop by being exposed to these mere mortals. </p>

<p>All of these people now have kids who are applying to college and none of them have mellowed – though many of them have been humbled. I think some of the competition comes from being way too tightly enmeshed with your kids – so that you truly don’t distinguish between their accomplishments and yours in many instances. These are the people who did their kid’s art projects in kindergarten – who did their kids science fair projects in grade school, etc. There’s that nut that took the SAT herself a whole bunch of times and then wrote a book about it.</p>

<p>I think sometimes the parents who call the professor and harass her about why Johny’s paper didn’t give an A are secretly pissed off because they wrote the paper themselves.</p>

<p>The woman who spent the last twelve years of her life doing her kid’s homework now wants to go to Harvard and she feels that she has earned it. I just hope her essays are good enough! </p>

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<p>I think there is validity to OP’s opinions, and have experienced them, both on cc and in real life. I don’t live in that circle myself, and our search only included schools that would give D great merit aid, so we looked a bit lower in the tiers to find what matched our need.</p>

<p>I think the common app and the norm of applying to 12+ schools is changing the landscape of college admissions. “Why not” apply to the Ivies if it is just another couple of keystrokes on a computer? Everyone has a chance, right? I don’t see enough on cc of “this is a good fit for my student”. Instead, it is “which school will look best on resume, will get my student into best social network, etc.”.</p>

<p>Finding the right community, your child’s “tribe” is the key to success, and I am glad there are 3000 colleges across our country that give us lots of choices in finding that fit.</p>