<p>Hey guys, I revised my "Why Swarthmore?" essay considerably and was wondering if you all could take a look at it. </p>
<p>--
Despite the cloudy and cold weather, clumps of students sprawled out on the Parrish Beach, huddling over laptops, reading passages from books, and arguing good-naturedly over problem sets. I strolled through them slowly, wanting to get a glimpse of what real live Swatties talked about on their Saturday afternoons but hesitant to interrupt. Hey! You! a girl with a nose ring, torn jeans, and a thick chemistry textbook shouted in my direction. Do you know anything about spectroscopy? I knew then I wanted to go to Swarthmore.
Honestly, I dont know anything about spectroscopy. My interests lie far outside the field of chemistry; I plan to use my college years studying political science and learning Arabic. Still, being asked that question gave me a true sense of Swarthmores atmosphere, a perfect combination of intense and motivating academics with a real yet eccentric community. That chemistry student was unafraid to ask for a strangers thoughts on a complex branch of science; in fact, it seemed to be completely normal behavior. Clearly, students at Swarthmore arent accustomed to learning only from professors and textbooks, they also learn from each other. </p>
<h2>Thats the type of intellectual environment I crave-- one where students are free to go their individual, scholarly ways, but where people care what their peers think as well. Swarthmore students show a broad range of interest and opinions, which surprisingly doesnt lead to competition or conflict but to diversity and collaboration. I want to be a part of Swarthmores intellectual curiosity.</h2>
<p>Should I change the conclusion? I'm not really happy with it but I'm sort of stuck. Should I express more reasons I want to be admitted or just keep it to what I have?</p>
<p>I would really, really suggest taking this down from a public forum. If you want people to look at it, I'd advise asking who would be willing to read it, and to send it through a private message...</p>
<p>As for your particular essay: it's a really good way to weave a personal story and your interests in Swarthmore together. I think you need at least one more sentence to tie yourself into that diversity and collaboration bit, since it seems like you ended it too soon. But it's up to you: some people really prefer short Why Swats; some don't mind writing really long ones!</p>
<p>Well, apparently you're not allowed to delete posts on this forum. That's a stupid rule. You're right, I shouldn't have posted the whole thing. But...There's nothing wrong with asking for help, right? I really want to get in. I'm spending a lot of time on these essays and not letting anyone write them for me. I'm not plagiarizing or cheating; anyone can log onto this forum and ask for the same time of help. </p>
<p>I was worried that the essay wasn't centered on me enough. I'll definitely change the ending to fix that.</p>
<p>Oh, it's not because YOU would plagarize...but others could steal parts of your essay, or all sorts of stupid things. There is absolutely nothing at all wrong with asking for help - I had a lot of people read my Why Swat before I submitted it, like any other essay.</p>
<p>Yeah, as long as you bring it back to you instead of just describing Swat (I had a pargraph much like that in mine), you should be fine! It sounds good.</p>
<p>I agree with forgetmenots. This forum is public to EVERYBODY in the world. If someone (or several people) decides they are willing to plagerize your essay, or even just the concept of it, admissions officers would never know which was the original. Why take a risk in accepting someone like this? If I were you, I'd write to a moderater to get it removed as soon as possible.</p>
<p>Have people read it, but don't publish it for the world to see. Show it to people you know and trust and get their opinions.</p>
<p>To answer your question, I think that you've got the makings of a really good Why Swat? essay there.</p>
<p>If you want to flesh it out a bit more, it would be great if you either added some more conversation with spectroscopy girl. Did the conversation go off in another direction?</p>
<p>Or, maybe another image from another student on Parrish Beach?</p>
<p>I like the concept of using Parrish Beach as a metaphor for Swarthmore.</p>
<p>I think you should get rid of your last sentence and end it right there. You get your point across very well, and I really see your interest in the school, but that last sentence really makes me want to say "What the..." </p>
<p>That suggestion is just one way to end the short essay. However, I think the best way would be to weave the idea of varying interests and opinions back to you. Most people who know of Swarthmore also know that is a politically charged community. Since you mention varying interests, mention some of your other interests outside of Arabic and political science.</p>
<p>Also, if you were to keep the last sentence, then I think you should just combine it with the your second to last sentence like below.</p>
<p>"Swarthmore students show a broad range of interest and opinions, which surprisingly doesn’t lead to competition or conflict but to diversity and collaboration, and I want to be a part of this intellectual curiosity."</p>
<p>It's a simple revision, but it's aesthetically pleasing. That lone sentence looks ugly. Audibly, it's also more pleasing. I think it ends perfectly fine.</p>
<p>I'm sorry if I seemed a little harsh, but I really like your essay.</p>
<p>wait-- actually, I have a comment. Its super good, but I feel that it could be used for any school. Like, I know at Yale, students collaborate with each other in their learning process too. I think your essay is good because its creative. You don't just say, "I want to go to swarthmore because a), b), and c)" . but i think you should express more reasons for wanting to go there. this raises a question: when we write "why" essays, should we make them creative or is just gettin your idea across enough?</p>
<p>I know of people that got it that had very straightforward essays. And then some people's essays are very creative... I think the important thing is that they can tell that you did your research and you know what you're getting into. </p>
<p>I admit it, I had to surrender some of the creativity of mine to get my point across a little clearer- some of the more creative versions of my essay just didn't flow as well as the one I ended up sending them. It was still creative, I guess, it wasn't a five paragraph essay with a thesis statement or anything. I don't know- that structure just didn't appeal to me.</p>