<p>I am Peruvian. I am applying to Yale. That is all you need to know.</p>
<p>Its 100 words:</p>
<p>In Peru, Yale is not simply a school, but it is rather portrayed as a summit that numerous dream to reach. Since my grandfather's tales of a man named "Bingham," Yale has been sketched in my memory from the first day I visited Cuzco. In other words, if that Yale scholar would not have discovered Maccu Pichu, then Yale would be irrelevant to me. However, in my case, Yale still stands as a reminiscent of my past, but that is why I want to reach that summit - to make Yale the path to my future.</p>
<p>1) Be caution when posting your subjective materials (essays and the like) on this forum. While, in this case, it would be quite difficult for someone else to use your response believably, it still may happen.</p>
<p>2) The response itself is very well organized, leading the reader to the point you want to make brilliantly. However, once the reader looks beyond the good structure and flow, it may seem as if the Yale to which you’re applying is more the one of childhood reverie and less the one that exists in New Haven. Thus, my only critique would be that the response offers little insight into what the actual school will offer you, and more about how stories of its alumni inspire you. Could this still work? Perhaps. It’s really up to you to decide whether you’d like to risk it in order to show your childhood/writing style more.</p>
<p>Thank you. The essay asks “Why Yale!?” so it is extremely general, and I’ve taken something from my heart that I am sure no else could replicate. Anyhow, I know that the Yale officer might ask: well, what about the school itself? Apart from that, I may change a line or two in correlation to what you said, but I still do not want to interrupt the flow. I think that my other supplement essay will enhance my writing style, so I wanted to talk about my heritage in this one. Still, thank you for the well-thought advice.</p>
<p>um I’m just going to correct some things stylistically, though feel free to disregard my suggestions:
“a summit numerous dream to reach” is wordy. change numerous to “many”, and it retains verbosity without being arrogant.
change “sketched” into “etched”
“In other words, if that Yale scholar would not have discovered Maccu Pichu, then Yale would be irrelevant to me.” - though I understand that this is very personal, I somehow doubt that they want to hear this. Of course you’re not trying to give them what they want to hear, but it can be interpreted as something of a slur. Try rephrasing? And if you decide not to, change “would not have” to “had not”.
stands as a “reminiscence” instead of “remeniscent”</p>
<p>Otherwise I think it’s decent. I like the path that you follow (so the steps as i see them are: setting in peru, grandfather anecdote which always goes well, yale as a faraway dream, -outstanding step which is why it bothers me-, yale past, yale future. </p>
<p>hope this helps. I’m not sure what authority I have to correct any of this, so feel free to discard my advice.</p>
<p>Be cautious, as your essays reads as though Yale is a prize to be won. What are you going to do with the prize? College is only a stepping stone, and you can use that analogy in your essay.</p>
<p>my yale essay was about how the last 5 generations of my family have attended yale. on both sides of my family. thats 10 alumni relations. basically we founded yale.
i was conceived at yale as well. My parents graduated tied for valedictorian. </p>
<p>I think you put too much focus on being unique and too little focus on substance. You didn’t really say much about Yale. Perhaps it doesn’t seem as interesting to you, but you really need to focus on the unique aspects of Yale as they apply to you. The language can also be improved (e.g. first sentence can be shortened: “In Peru, Yale is not simply a school, but rather a summit that many dream to reach.”)</p>
<p>Just to give you an idea of how easy it is for someone to steal your work and make it sound like their own, I just edited three words in your essay. Concerto is right; never post anything online:</p>
<p>In Mexico, Yale is not simply a school, but it is rather portrayed as a summit that numerous dream to reach. Since my grandfather’s tales of a man named “Bingham,” Yale has been sketched in my memory from the first day I visited Mexico City. In other words, if that Yale scholar would not have discovered Teotihuacan, then Yale would be irrelevant to me. However, in my case, Yale still stands as a reminiscent of my past, but that is why I want to reach that summit - to make Yale the path to my future.</p>
<p>It seems like most people would realize that they would ruin their chances by copying another applicant’s essay, but I think you’d be surprised. My mom used to be part of an AdCom for a university in my state, and she said that there are always 10-12 pairs of applicants with identical admissions essays.</p>
<p>I should’ve made it more clear (others, plural) to include those essay-editing services and online plagiarism, which would understandably be more popular than sneaking around on forums - the amount of effort and energy to do that exceeds what would usually constitute a paragraph of writing, in my opinion. But yeah, on the bright side (depending where you’re standing), that pretty much makes it easy for weeding.</p>
<p>One of my friends at Johns Hopkins told me that there will invariably be about 150 applicants who use the “essays that worked” examples on the Hopkins website, both for Hopkins and for other schools.</p>
<p>What, how many nouns on average do you suppose they’d change? </p>
<p>And frankly, more than half of those essays aren’t really all that great. (I hope none of them were written by your friend. If so, slap me. Well, unless it was a good one.) </p>
<p>150 is a decent portion, no? I don’t get too happy when it hits me that way too many people apply to schools without effort and/or particular fondness/attachment to those institutions. </p>
<p>Sorry for asking a personal question, but are you a college student?</p>
<p>I’m not a college student (yet). I’m just one of the countless thousands planning to apply to Yale. I’m currently sitting around waiting for the MIT EA decisions to be released. Nothing like a solid rejection to get me excited for Yale!</p>
<p>And Yale - well, I guess it’s pretty obvious. </p>
<p>GOOD LUCK!!! But if you could choose, which would you prefer? Cambridge, or New Haven, or, fortheloveofcows, the other one in Cambridge? Or actual Cambridge?</p>
<p>Haha I’m actually still pondering where I want to go. I really like Yale and MIT; I’m far less enamored with Harvard. Believe it or not, I actually applied to the REAL Cambridge in England. I got rejected, though (no surprises there).</p>