Will you read my essay?

Parents Forum
1

<p>ilcapo told me to come here with my essays, so I'm hoping you'll read this one and get back to me. </p>

<p>This one is about music and the effect it has on my life. thanks in advance for reading it. (I've tried to indent where the new paragraphs start but I can't seem to do it! don't know how...you can sort of tell where the new paragraphs begin)</p>

<pre><code> I'm sitting in AP Chemistry, trying very earnestly to pay attention. My teacher says something about buffer solutions…it’s no use. I'm distracted by Palestrina’s mass running through my head. Specifically, “Kyrie” keeps replaying itself, its ups and downs coursing over the electrons and protons I'm supposed to be learning about.

To my dismay, I involuntarily start humming my part. Now my nearby classmates look at me quizzically. I force myself to stop. I relegate myself to watching the clock intensely. When this period ends, I can go to choir and finally work out that really annoying counterpoint in the “Sanctus” that’s giving me so much trouble.

I've heard mathematics referred to as “the universal communication”. For me, music is the communication that spans all cultures. While math can be understood by people around the world that are good at math, music appeals to everyone, regardless of skill or experience with it. Every culture has created a form of music. There’s something fundamental about music—something that allows a businessman and a bus driver to enjoy it equally, something that allows an English speaking person to enjoy a piece sung in Hebrew.

I have used music as a way to communicate and express myself. I have found a song for every emotion I've ever had. Certain songs represent certain days, months, or even years of my life—certain songs stand for a specific moment in time I can return to in an instant by simply turning on my stereo.

I've been in some form of choir since I was around seven years old, and I've been singing probably since I could talk. My mother loves to tell everyone about when I was three years old, gathered my parents and their friends around, and proceeded to sing the alphabet. If you believe my mother, I sang them with perfect pitch, too.

Yet for all that time I've loved music, it’s still completely unknowable…it has retained its magic and its mystique. I'm continually learning new pieces, and with every new piece, I'm learning something about myself too. I'm learning how I respond to music, how I analyze it, and most importantly, how I apply it to my life. Music is a completely personal thing, like any form of art.

Music is a soundtrack to my life. When I remember the years I lived in Texas, the country music that I heard every day twangs away. When I remember those anguished days after September 11th, living in Brooklyn, I hear the hopeful music that I played in my room with the door closed. When I remember the trip my choir took to Italy this past summer, the timeless sounds of the music we sang in St. Peter’s Basilica echo back at me.

And so I give everything of myself to music, because it has given everything to me. It’s given me memories. It’s given me a group of amazing people to share and appreciate it. It’s given me a small sanctuary that I carry around with me—because whenever and wherever I need to relax, I can just sing.

Music is so much bigger than me and will outlast me by a wide margin. I'm just lucky that when I need it, it’s always there. And will continue to be.
</code></pre>

2

<p>It's a nice essay that truly captures your love of music. There are passages that need fixing. I'm also wondering about the conclusion, given that Beethoven famously went dead. How can anyone be sure that music will always be there? What would you do if you lost your hearing?</p>

<p>Anyway, let me comment passage by passage. The introduction is unwise. In wanting to show how much music occupies you, you risk giving the impression that you slack off during important classes. Perhaps you can blame a boring subject or droning teacher for your inattention without being more specific?</p>

<p>I force myself to stop. I relegate [ wrong word choice; resign?] myself to watching the clock intensely.
While math can be understood by people around the world that are good at math [this is awakwardly written], music appeals to everyone, regardless of skill or experience with it [surely, not every kind of music appeals to everyone? I don't think I could stand Beijing opera for any length of time, though I love Italian operas].</p>

<p>If you believe my mother, I sang them with perfect pitch, too. [If my mother is to be believed]</p>

<p>Yet for all that time I've loved music, it’s still completely unknowable…it has retained its magic and its mystique. [I don't quite see the paradox you imply exists here. Also, is music completely unknowable, or some specific aspect of it? You know the music that much better than someone who cannot read it or perform it, after all]</p>

<p>When I remember the years I lived in Texas, the country music that I heard every day twangs away. [I'd use the word "recall" instead of remember here and in the next couple of sentences].</p>

<p>Music is so much bigger than me and will outlast me by a wide margin. [delete "by a wide margin.] Consider what I said at the beginning about not being able to hear music. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

3

<p>I liked it too. Marite has covered almost every aspect of editing, so I won't repeat except this sentence:
Music is a soundtrack to my life.</p>

<p>I thought it did not make much sense.
How about 'I can associate music with every phase of my life'.
Or how about 'I can associate some genre of music with every stage of my life'. Or if you want to use 'soundtrack' how about 'Just like a soundtrack brings back memories of a movie, I associate a genre of music with every stage of my life'.</p>

4

<p>Thanks a lot, both of you. I've fixed the things you said needed fixing. The only thing I didn't really change was the last paragraph...I put "It will hopefully continue to be" instead of saying something about maybe going deaf. Only because even though Beethoven went deaf, he continued to make music and it was with him his whole life despite his disability.</p>

<p>I changed the intro to, to math instead. And I took out the part about music being a better communications tool than math, because if the admissions officer is a math person they might not like that.</p>

<p>So this is it again:</p>

<p>I'm sitting in Math class, trying very earnestly to pay attention. My teacher drones on about parabolas…it’s no use. I'm distracted by Palestrina’s mass running through my head. Specifically, “Kyrie” keeps replaying itself, its ups and downs coursing over the quadratic formulas and variables I'm supposed to be learning about. </p>

<p>To my dismay, I involuntarily start humming my part. Now my nearby classmates look at me quizzically. I force myself to stop. I resign myself to watching the clock intensely. When this period ends, I can hurry to choir and finally work out that really annoying counterpoint in the “Sanctus” that’s giving me so much trouble.</p>

<p>There’s something fundamental about music—something that allows a businessman and a bus driver to enjoy it equally, something that allows an English speaking person to enjoy a piece sung in Hebrew.</p>

<p>I have used music as a way to communicate and express myself. I have found a song for every emotion I've ever had. Certain songs represent certain days, months, or even years of my life—certain songs stand for a specific moment in time I can return to in an instant by simply turning on my stereo.</p>

<p>I've been in some form of choir since I was around seven years old, and I've been singing probably since I could talk. My mother loves to tell everyone about when I was three years old, gathered my parents and their friends around, and proceeded to sing the alphabet. If my mother is to be believed, I sang them in perfect pitch, too. </p>

<p>Yet for all that time I've had to become familiar with music, it’s still unknowable…it has retained its magic and its mystique. I still can’t definitively say why some music appeals to me and some doesn’t. I'm continually learning new pieces, and with every new piece, I'm learning something about myself too. I'm learning how I respond to music, how I analyze it, and most importantly, how I apply it to my life. Music is a completely personal thing, like any form of art. </p>

<p>Certain music is associated with different phases of my life.. When I recall the years I lived in Texas, the country music that I heard every day twangs away. When I recall those anguished days after September 11th, living in Brooklyn, I hear the hopeful music that I played in my room with the door closed. When I recall the trip my choir took to Italy this past summer, the timeless sounds of the music we sang in St. Peter’s Basilica echo back at me.</p>

<p>And so I give everything of myself to music, because it has given everything to me. It’s given me memories. It’s given me a group of amazing people to share and appreciate it. It’s given me a small sanctuary that I carry around with me—because whenever and wherever I need to relax, I can just sing.</p>

<p>Music is so much bigger than me and will clearly outlast me. I'm just lucky that when I need it, it’s always there. And hopefully will continue to be.</p>

5

<p>And then again, you may encounter an adcom who majored in math. Best to stick with generalities. The very last sentence: some sticklers for proper usage still balk at hopefully. So , better change the sentence to "And I hope it will continue to be."</p>

<p>Otherwise, good job.</p>

6

<p>You could remove the 'about' in the first sentence.</p>

7

<p>thanks!</p>

<p>marite-- so you think that it would be best to not even say I was bored in math class? I'm trying to create some sort of contrast between music and another subject...that's why I had AP chem first thing...</p>

<p>I have to restructure my intro then...</p>

8

<p>No. You can just delete the words "math" and "about parabolas." My S's alumni interviewer seems to have been a math-nerd in high school. You don't know who will be reading your essay. You just don't want to give the impression that you daydream your way through core classes (and math is considered a core class, though music is not). Do so only if you have stellar grade in AP-Calculus.</p>

9

<p>I don't get the comment about maybe becoming deaf. I think it's such an off chance that it's ok (but a bit trite) to say music will always there. Besides the example of Beethoven continuing to write music, not long ago I heard Evelyn Glennie perform at the SF Symphony, and despite being deaf, she is a virtuoso performer. Many deaf people can enjoy music through the bass and percussion sounds.</p>

10

<p>Bettina:</p>

<p>My understanding is that Beethoven was tormented by his deafness. Yet, by the time he went dead, he was able to hear music in his mind, which allowed him to compose the late string quartets. But not everybody has the same level of musicality and the ability to internalize sound as did Beethoven. This is why music may be eternal, but the ability to continue to enjoy music may not be there.</p>

11

<p>Why can't the essay have the same basic intro? Just change it to something like "as we are discussing covalent bonds for the second time this week I begin visualizing the molecular symbols in my head . The symbols suddenly and without warning change to musical notes and become .....blah,blah. I manage to push the notes off my mental page until the bell rings." Except, a lot more fluid, and with some modicum of talent ( and understanding of Chem. LOL.) Hopefully you get the idea. You like your idea, so go with it. I do agree with Marite, as usual, that you are likely to have a reader that could be a math or chem major. I also agree with Marite's editing.</p>

12

<p>I took out any reference to the type of class. I like your thinking, curmudgeon, but I don't want to make it too narrative. I just wanted it to be a sort of picture of me daydreaming about music while my teacher's up there talking about science or math or something unrelated.</p>

<p>With Beethoven, he did go deaf, but he still composed beautiful music. So music really never left him.</p>