My DS is a multi-sport athlete at a prep school who is floundering a bit as he finishes sophomore year. His grades are mostly Bs and his motivation for sports seems to be diminishing as he doesn’t think he is good enough. (Not depressed, seeing a counselor, but certainly stressed about performance at his competitive school.) When he was younger he was on recruiting lists and going to showcases, etc in more than one sport, but frankly I think he is just burned out from all of those years of club/travel/camps. Above all he is a sweet, bright guy who would be very happy at a less athletic, but strong academic, D3 LAC. Yet I am afraid his grades will be a barrier, and he is losing confidence in his athletic ability which might otherwise help him get in. Any wisdom? (How to help with motivation? Similar experiences with burnout? Good D3 LACs that might consider a B student?) Honestly, if he wasn’t so happy with friends, learning from great teachers, and settled in at his prep school, we would send him to the public school where this level of effort (hours each night) would get him As and might have him on a path to a college that would be a good fit. Thanks for reading!
I would do some sole searching and ask yourself who your child is competing for, them or you. The fact that you are telling us they are stressed about performance and feeling burned out and you are writing because they may not sustain a level of competitiveness to help with admissions for a college you want them to go to, raises lots of questions. It may be that as a sophomore/junior in hs, they are maturing and have different interests, or looking to take a break and try something new. You imply that they would get As at a different school, would they get As if they stopped playing sports? Maybe… But taking them out of a school they are happy at, to try to get better grades at a less competitive school will not exactly set them up for success later in life. So they get in the college you see for them, then what…
If you really think it is just nerves or pressure at their sport, there are sport psychologists that can help athletes dealing with performance anxiety/self-inflicted pressure. Many have phone in group sessions, and work with athletes in sports like gymnastics, ice skating, goalies, etc. where pressure from being an individual competitor or in a heavily scrutinized position, can really take its toll.
However, make sure it is your child’s wish to continue in the sport before you sign them up. It is not uncommon for kids who were excelling at a sport or event when they were younger to be surpassed by kids who take up the sport later in their life, It hurts to see as a parent, but it happens. Just because you want them to get straight As and be competitive at a sport that they started when they were in middle school (or earlier) doesn’t mean it will happen for them. Help them figure things out and don’t put your anxieties on their shoulders. We all want the best for our kids, but it doesn’t always turn out the way we plan.
Taking a step back including public school but sounds like you considered that. I am familiar with hockey, prep schools. AAA teams, etc. as well as other sports, which can be a lot time and stress for kids & parents so perhaps he could take a step back from any of the club/travel teams outside of the HS prep school teams.
As you said, the good news is he is a sweet bright kid and happy with his friends, so I am sure it will work out-good luck.
By the way, I would not assume the Bs in prep schools will translate to As in public schools. Plenty of very smart, motivated top students putting in a lot of hrs to get good grades in public HSs, especially for honors/AP classes.
“his motivation for sports seems to be diminishing as he doesn’t think he is good enough”
Good enough for what? Forgive me if I’m making incorrect assumptions, but this sounds like a parent or athlete who had counted on an athletic path to college, and now reality is sinking in. I’d suggest removing athletics from the college equation altogether, plan to apply to a range of schools like the vast majority of students, and be happy that your child’s choices will not be limited by where his athletic skills can land him. There are a ton of small colleges out there as well as honors programs at public colleges where he can find a fit. I’d expect your prep school to provide good college counseling, so I’d make use of it.
There are so many pieces just to the athletic part of your question. Is he losing confidence, and therefore not playing as well (therefore losing more confidence)? If that is the case, boosting confidence is key – drop down a level of play so he can be a star, consider talking to a sports psychologist, etc.
But it isn’t clear that that’s what’s going on. Is he losing motivation because of burnout? Address that! No organized sports all summer!
Is he losing motivation because his skill level isn’t as good as it could be? Address that with coaching and hard work.
The main thing though, would be to speak with your son. What does he want?
A wise coach told me, when my son was young (and had been cut from a team) that he could always pick out the kids who would succeed. It wasn’t the most talented. It was the ones with the most drive.
If your son doesn’t have the motivation to play in college, take that piece off the table. Then, don’t limit yourself to D3s. There are lots of D1 schools to consider for the B student!
Also, you say he would be happy at a less athletic but more academic d3. But Bs in prep school, even a “top” school will take out the "more academic " d3s (e.g. Vassar). You could look at Trinity and Connecticut College; but also consider a school like SMU which is actively looking for prep school students.
@HockeyFanz it was mid 8th grade for my kid, trying to drive from club volleyball to club soccer when I told the family this can’t go on after that season.
Being a strong student and trying to excel at one sport at a top 1% level is all we could handle. As parents we had to draw a line. Since school was always first we made our kid pick one sport for club. Although there are really good articles talking about how specialization is bad, IF your kid is going to be a top student there just aren’t enough hours in the day. I guess (?) if your kid lets school drop off the list then playing multiple sports at a high level might work. high level club soccer is practice monday-thursday august-may and games on the weekend. When can kids even play another sport?
D3 high level sports are no joke. The main difference from D1 is less travel distance and the off season semester. Everyone is different but even in “lowly” public schools being a top athlete and top student is a full time gig.
Also – all prep school students are "multisport athletes " by definition, as they are required to play a sport each season. So that in and of itself is not the problem.
Is it that your son was pursuing 2 club sports before high school, which may have burned him out?
Thank you for your responses. It is time to shift expectations.
@hockeyfanz, not sure what the expectations were that need a shift. I think as of sophomore year, maybe there shouldn’t be too much in the line of established expectations to shift. Since your son is happy (which Lord knows is a good thing), I would just ask him to try his hardest to learn and experiment with academics, and worry less about grades (easier said that done, I know). As far as colleges go, the one thing that prep schools are supposed to have over the good publics is college advising. I would take advantage of it, particularly since they will know the academic situation better than us. Schedule a call or meeting and see what they say. I know nothing about your situation other than there are Bs (horror of horrors), but great D3 schools to think about might include Denison, Kenyon, Muhlenberg, Franklin & Marshall, Dickinson, Union, St. Lawrence, Pitzer, Furman, Rhodes, Trinity and Conn College, to name a few. Bear in mind that athletics-wise these schools will vary, and vary based on the sport you are considering (e.g., Denison and Kenyon are going to be excellent in swimming, while Union may be out of reach hockey wise).
As far as recruiting goes, I would have that conversation on more than one occasion. As a sophomore, your son may not be good enough, but as a junior he might be. Of course, if he doesn’t want to play in college, that is another thing altogether.
The good news is, there are many D3 schools which would offer the combination of academics and athletic involvement that it sounds like your kid is looking for. Rather than focus on what feels like a receding opportunity for recruitment at previously identified programs, focus on what new opportunities there might be that would provide a better fit, academically and athletically. So I suppose yes, a shift in expectations in the sense of, rather than focus on what everyone thought would happen in 9th grade, focus on what opportunities are in front of you now. For a kid who feels a little lost, perhaps a parent could spend some time researching rosters at a range of schools, see which schools seem to take athletes around your kid’s current level, and help get the kid excited about the new opportunities that may be out there.
We built a list of academic safety, match and reaches and also athletic safety, match and reaches and made sure that there were a few schools which were both academic and athletic safeties that he would be happy to attend. Depending on the sport(s), there are lots of schools outside the top 20 where a kid with Bs could go and compete and have a terrific academic experience.
Honestly if he just wants to play and hang out then there are good intramurals at almost every school at a lot of different levels of play. And at many schools there are actually club teams in many sports that play against other universities, with real budgets, travel, national tournaments, etc. He can continue to play sports at a pretty high level even if he turns away from the grind of top level play for a while now.
He may be as good or as smart as you think, or it could be a case of Parent Vision not giving a completely clear perspective, but regardless if you both get on the same page regarding his passions, talents and goals it really doesn’t matter. Let him determine his level of commitment, how he wants to spend his hours and who he wants to be with. Giving him a little room to breathe now might cost him a spot on a tippy top team, but he could regain his love of his sport. You know your kid best, so work with him to identify the real issue and then lay out a path forward. Good luck.
yes to above. there are some large universities with club teams better than some D3s, with fancy uniforms, travel, the whole deal. UNC’s women’s club team has over 150 kids try out for 2 club teams.
Honestly all of this is very helpful, and appreciated. Just needed a bit of perspective and some suggestions. ?
Every one else has offered the “wisdom” you sought, but something else caught my eye… “this level of effort (hours each night).” He has a problem with efficiency. Most students do. Although it was written for college students, Cal Newport’s excellent book about the study habits of Phi Beta Kappa inductees is excellent and applicable to HS students. Read the link below and if it resonates, buy it and have him read it over the summer. It will be a great college foundation and probably spur his academic confidence. Best of luck.
Speaking of expectations: going to a fancy prep school doesn’t guarantee success, and studying for hours doesn’t guarantee good grades in and of itself. Similarly, putting in the hours to practice for a sport or paying thousands of dollars for expensive coaches and teams doesn’t guarantee that your child will be a top athlete – and none of these things will guarantee him a spot in an “elite” college. They’re certainly correlated, but you shouldn’t expect it. No amount of money, desire, or effort can turn your child into an Olympian or even an A student if he really isn’t…and that’s ok!
To me, it sounds like you’re sending him to a prep school and signing him up for several sports not because of the friends, teachers, exercise, fun, etc, that you mention in your first post, but because you feel that it is a way for you to guarantee him “success,” aka good grades and an athletic scholarship at an elite university. By setting up these expectations (whether consciously or subconsciously), you’re telling yourself and your child that his school and his sports aren’t worth the time/money unless they are producing results. Your son likely also hears this message from his friends at school and his coaches on his teams – help him realize that he can still be successful without always being the best. If he’s enjoying it, and you can afford the time and money, let him continue. If he’s unhappy, then let him stop.
^^better study skills will make the next 6 years of education happier and more productive, no matter what
What caught my eye was the conflict between:
and
My husband has a job that most people think is extremely stressful. His reply is always “it’s only stressful if you’re not having fun”. People who are happy with what they are doing may feel pressured/ rushed/ etc occasionally, but they aren’t overwhelmed with stress.
Academically oriented prep schools are a swamp of floating anxiety, fueled by both parents and classmates. The attitudes towards perfectly good but less selective schools can be caustic. As an example, the kids in one of my collegekid’s years were pleased when they worked out that the ‘least selective’ college that anybody in their class went to was substantially more selective than that of the previous year. The school worked hard to dampen that sort of competitiveness, but …it was an uphill battle. Your son is definitely hearing attitudes about what are ‘good’ and ‘not good’ schools.
And a ps: depending on your son’s physiology and sport, bear in mind that a lot of student athletes get surprises (good and bad) during adolescence as their bodies- and the bodies of the teammates and competitors- change.