I’m hoping we can discuss this respectfully, but I’m not sure it’s possible. However, I’d like to try because I need to understand this.
Why are women so fixated on weight? And comparing their weight to other women? And making comments about it?
Dh and I spent the weekend with some long-time, dear friends of mine. As in getting close to 50 years of friendship. We don’t get to see these folks IRL super often (even pre-Covid times) as we live in different states. Though, we are all connected on social media, so we “see” each other there.
The two other women in this group of friends are overweight. I am not. There were some comments about my weight compared to theirs throughout the weekend. “You are so skinny.” I’m not skinny, but I am small-boned and lean. I do exercise regularly, and I try to eat right. There were comments on my eating habits as well. “I wish I had as much self-discipline as you.” At one point one of my friends and I were putting on make-up together in the bathroom, and she said, “I am so fat.”
I have no idea how I am supposed to respond to any of these comments. Both of these women are beautiful, smart, well-educated, funny, and wonderful people in general. When my friend said, “I am so fat,” I just said, “Don’t say that!” because I didn’t know what else to say.
What AM I supposed to say to comparative statements such as these? I wish women wouldn’t say these sorts of things about others or about themselves.
I’m guessing many of us have been in these same kinds of conversations - one side or the other!
It’s awkward all around.
Maybe they are very conscious of their weight and this is their way of showing “I know I carry extra weight”. Or, I’m envious. Or, please order more than a salad!
It’s like they are trying to give a compliment but in the midst of it they are making your feel conscious -or bad!
After a comment or two, I would just say, “listen, we are at this excellent restaurant with good friends and good food - let’s enjoy both!!”
You don’t need to say anything. If they ask for advice, share how you stay fit/healthy. They probably feel insecure about themselves, a bit embarrassed, and feel that they NEED to say something to address the obvious (that they have gained weight). Just be a friend.
FWIW, I think your “don’t say that!” comment is totally appropriate. I agree that it’s hard to hear a dear friend berating themselves and their appearance.
I’ve been known to do it myself and it comes from a place of insecurity.
The only time I will give advice around weight loss is if I’m asked directly. Too touchy of a subject.
I most certainly did not give advice (none was asked for), and, other than skipping bread, chips and salsa, and dessert, I was eating the same things they were.
I do understand what you mean, @abasket about ordering more than a salad
But, it seems wrong of me, when it is just the two of us getting ready, to say absolutely nothing when my friend says, “I am so fat.” I hate the word, “fat,” anyway.
I am very petite and slim, and several of my friends comment on it – mainly, they say “Don’t lose any more weight!” I don’t lose weight or gain weight; I’m quite stable. But one of my friends is quite overweight and talks about it a lot. She’s been doing it for as long as I’ve known her – and that’s more than 15 years now. Her husband recently lost 40 pounds at his doctor’s urging, and my friend just says “Oh, he can do it; he’s got the discipline; I can’t do it.” She repeatedly starts up again with WeightWatchers, goes for a few months, and then drops out. Rinse and repeat.
Nothing I can do but continue taking care of myself.
Apologies in advance, I’m a male. But I’m curious, did they mention anything to you about your not partaking in these items? I always get comments about my not eating these things.
I think what you said is fine, but you could turn it around and say something like, “You are awesome! I’m so glad we got a chance to get together!”
I have a good friend who is really good at interpersonal stuff like this and I have learned so much just from being in her orbit. That is what I can imagine her saying. Me? I’d probably just stammer and “uh…” but afterwards I would wish I had said something like that.
I am gluten-free by choice, so there are a lot of things I don’t eat. Mostly just comments on my, “self-discipline” about refraining from them. “You’re so good.” “I could never not eat bread.” That sort of thing.
To say I have self-discipline about it is kind of inaccurate as I don’t crave/want that stuff at all.
@Hoggirl there is also a
Method to your “madness” - you chose to eat gluten free. It might help to share that - that it’s not a calorie counting thing - which is what often people equate to people not partaking in food items. It’s a different conscious good choice.
I think it’s completely inappropriate to comment on being thin… I feel like now that my friends and I are middle aged, being thin (especially suddenly thin) can be a sign of poor mental or physical health. I never compliment people on their weight! Edited to say: unless they are proudly announcing they’ve lost weight.
About six years ago I decided to get my weight in a better place (I was obese), and wound up losing about 65 pounds, getting to a “normal” BMI. I’ve more or less maintained that (gained about 10 pounds back during early-mid 2020 that has stayed on since), but it made me very cognizant of the fact of how differently I was treated when I was heavy than when I was fit. It’s tough being a woman in a society that tells us we only have value if we’re good-looking. So I understand where the tendency for berating oneself for this one issue can come from.
I also learned that it didn’t matter what size I was, people always had opinions on how I should be different. I sometimes got comments within the span of a day that were “You’re doing great, keep going!” (implying I had more weight to lose) and “You’re losing too much weight, you’re getting too skinny.”
Personally I just try not to say anything or acknowledge comments about my weight. I also don’t engage when people go on about theirs. I’m following for some better suggestions as to how to handle this. My mother-in-law has become increasingly self-berating about her weight lately and it’s becoming increasingly uncomfortable (it is the only thing she will talk about).
I don’t know if this will be helpful, but if my daughter says anything like “I’m so fat,” I say, “Don’t talk about my beautiful daughter that way!” This could work for a good friend.
I also have a close friend who has gained weight. When she brings it up, I say, “You look just as beautiful as always to me.” I am completely sincere, and I think that comes across.
I have a harder time with the “You’re skinny” comments. I do watch what I eat and exercise, but I’m really just lucky in my weight-genetics. I’ve inherited other things that are decidedly unlucky.
Sweetgum - what a great comeback by your friend! Saying, in essence - we are both more than our physical appearances and our connection is the important thing, here.
I think we women are hyper-conscious of what a patriarchial society deems ideal (fertile = young/slim) so we sometimes feel we must comment when we diverge from that standard.
I try to remember not to say: “you look so great” when someone has lost weight (the implication being, of course - you looked non-great before!). It’s surpisingy hard (likely my own internalized patriarchial ideals…!).
I tell people the good news about me is that I don’t notice when you gain weight but I won’t notice when you lose weight either. Only when they make a comment.
But it is annoying to me when people comment on my normal weight. As if it’s something to be happy about or jealous about or commented on. I don’t comment on weight. Period.
Albeit unconsciously, it seems the friends are laying a bit of a guilt trip with a hint of jealousy and self shame thrown in. They are making you feel uncomfortable about your habits. You could gently point that out, something like "These comments make me a bit uncomfortable; I’ve developed some habits for my health and body type and don’t want them to make you feel bad. "
In terms of “I’m so fat,” deflecting the remark is one possibility - pretend you didn’t hear it and change the subject. Not sure if a lack of acknowledgement is best, or something like “I’m sorry you feel that way because you are great.” Sometimes people are looking for reassurance but sometimes they are just venting.
