We are fixated on weight because the diet/weight loss industry makes billions of dollars off of us trying to make us believe we have to be thin in order to look good.
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Can you talk about this more? I personally can’t think of any diet/weight loss business that I personally buy into.
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Many women are fixated on weight because it’s what we have been trained to fixate on. We are bombarded with a beauty standard that includes being thin as well as every kind of diet and exercise plan to try to help us get there. We are also trained to look at other women and compare ourselves with them. It’s better now than in the past because we are more aware, but there are still a lot of pressures and a lot of expectations.
(This is not directed at the OP, but it’s important for everyone to remember that plenty of people who are technically overweight also eat well and exercise)
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If BMI is the measurement used to determine whether one is overweight, then it’s a measurement of limited use.
Body fat testing, via the hydrostatic method or DEXA scan, would be the gold standard for determining if one is truly overweight or not.
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My point is you can’t always tell by looking at someone whether or not they engage in healthy behaviors. That goes for thin people as well as fat people and people in between.
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I’m just referring to everything on our food packaging that says, low fat, fat free, low calorie, low carb, carb free, keto etc. It’s plastered on food packaging everywhere. Then you have juice cleanse companies, fasting companies, Beachbody, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers etc. It’s just non stop diet culture advertising trying to lure people in but disguised as health promotion activities. Body size and weight does not dictate how healthy someone is.
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Great topic. I truly like what sweet gum, Marilyn and many others have said. I will incorporate them into my language.
I’ve been a specialist in EDs for many years, working with the 78# to the 400#. People can be loved and desired at any size. The goal is to have them like/love themselves. I’m willing to discuss belief systems and prejudices, but don’t make weight jokes with me.
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I totally agree. But I’d even go one step further and drop “behavior” from your phrase “healthy behaviors.” You can’t always tell someone is healthy strictly based on BMI, appearance or behavior.
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I’m sorry that I misunderstood your comment and I agree.
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And BMI is such a bogus guideline, it is only the math of one formula. I know slender people who are skinny-fat meaning they are small and look good in clothes, but are not fit or healthy (literally not healthy, not judging them) and I know larger boned people who are fit and healthy but have way less latitude for an extra 5# in that BMI.
It should be some sort of fat percentage that we use, really, to classify healthy.
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Should be, but weight / BMI probably sticks around due to convenience and inertia / incumbency, even though it does not work as well for individual assessment compared to population assessment.
Alternative convenient measures like waist / height ( http://www.ashwell.uk.com/shapechart.htm ) do not seem to be getting much traction. Nor do body fat percentage estimates based on various other measures (like those mentioned above) seem to be common.
We do use a fat % as a measurement. Body fat % can be measured by calipers, hydrostatic testing (water tank) or DEXA scan. Just google body fat % charts. There’s one for men and women, split into various age categories.
BMI doesn’t account for the fact that there’s visceral (around organs=bad) versus subcutaneous (belly) fat, not everyone has the same amount of bones, or the same density of those bones, etc.
My health care provider uses BMI as their “first cut” or screening for patients. And I get it, it’s cheap, just plug height and weight and voila, you get BMI. But it’s just not the whole story by a longshot.
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I think that if you have always been able to maintain a healthy weight, you cannot fathom just how constant that shame and obsession about being overweight can be, and the cruelty of society’s obsession will have passed you by. At some point, just looking at a non overweight person your age and class feels shaming.
The constant self deprecation is compulsive. You feel judgment even when there is none and try to deflect it before it can hurt you. And mostly, they’re not imagining things - I have had fluctuating weight and found the difference in how you are treated when you are thin vs when you are fat shocking. No amount of affirmation from a good friend can counteract this massive deprecation from society. Even a comment like “I love you” or “you’re beautiful” will carry the unspoken attachment “even though you’re fat” for them - whether you are thinking it or not! It just perpetuates the topic.
Ignore it or change the subject. There is nothing you can do. It’s not about you.
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Tigerle - I think you are right - looking at the micro-level about what we say/don’t say to friends who are larger is perhaps less productive than looking society-wide at prejudice against heavier people.
The “Maintenance Phase” podcast breaks down these issues in an incredibly well-researched (and funny!) way. Their episode on the history and bogus science behind the BMI is killer. I’ve learned so much - thought it might be of interest to this thread.
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@Tigerle, you make very good points in this paragraph. And that’s why people tell thin people, “You’re so lucky!” or “I wish I had your discipline!” or whatever. The so-called overweight person feels ashamed, jealous of the thin person, angry at the thin person.
During college, I gained the “freshman 15” and spent several years hating myself because of it, trying stupid starvation techniques to lose weight (which always backfired), and just spending huge amounts of energy thinking about my weight. At some point I decided to just not think about it anymore – basically, I gave up – and that’s when I went back to my usual weight. Too much psychic energy goes into hating oneself due to weight.
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Just as a normal weight or underweight doesn’t know how it is to be overweight person, an overweight person doesn’t know what the normal weight person is going through.
Weight doesn’t determine what you are going through.
So many people struggle with disordered eating, on both spectrums. Just as people don’t on both spectrums.
I try to be healthy, and mind my own business.
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Just to add to my post above.
I have a lovely friend who lost her husband a year ago. She’s in great shape right now. Posting on Facebook her new routine
What they aren’t seeing is that she’s not eating and exercising obsessively. Going on a run, then a long bike ride. Now she’s joined a gym. Not eating much. A friend and I are very worried about her. I did mention gently that she needs to fuel her workouts to become stronger.
She is loving the attention she’s getting. Tremendous grief stinks.
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This is very helpful.
I do usually ignore those types of comments, but the setting doesn’t allow for that. There was no way I could pretend I couldn’t hear my friend when it was just the two of us in a tiny bathroom putting on makeup side-by-side.
I will try to remember this general concept, however.
And @VeryHappy is correct - the jealousy and anger at the thin person can definitely come through.
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Yes, my personal trainer is always on me to eat enough, even though he knows I’m trying to lose another 24 pounds. I’m working out hard and need to keep up my calories. I know I have to lose weight slowly and thoughtfully.
I was 33 pounds heavier a year ago September. I did not like myself very much. Joining a gym and getting the trainer is the best thing I could have done. It felt so good to hike on the Appalachian Trail Saturday and not get winded.
My big challenge will be maintaining fitness and a good weight once I’ve reached my goal. I always struggle to do that.
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I never comment on a person’s weight. In that situation (the “I’m so fat” comment in the bathroom), I probably would have said something similar to OP, or maybe a “You always look great to me” kind of thing.
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