Add me as another person who does not comment on anyone’s weight. It is a sensitive and personal topic for so many people (especially women) for a number of reasons.
3 Likes
Trying to keep on topic for the original OP post about the awkwardness of people commenting on weight - be it their own or your weight…
I think a key is to turn the conversation (if there needs to be a conversation) to health and wellness and not pounds or inches. There is a full circle of “health” that is not just tied to food and what the scale says.
Also maybe make a mental note with these friends to compliment them in other ways. Appearance related or not. Good health can be good skin care, good sleep, good hygiene, good handling of emotions, etc.
7 Likes
As a guy it seems strange to me to ask why many women are fixated on weight. There is a lot of social pressure to be thin. And it much more true for women. Many fewer women who are overweight in media/tv/movies than men. Women are much more likely to be judged on weight than men. On TV women are often in skin to win mode while men are often covered up in suits. Not the way it should be but it is reality.
As to discussions/statements about weight, I never go there. With anyone. Sensitive topic. But if its brought up I would say the person looks fine or something like we all have our struggles. Do our best, understand there will be back steps from time to time and move forward.
Good health is more important that weight itself (or even appearance). But because of the pressures involved, that often won’t provide much in the way of comfort.
3 Likes
we are conditioned to equate weight with health…it is annoying (and often, wrong). Case in point - I’ve recently dropped about 10 lbs. I was not overweight to begin with. The weight loss is due to GI problems I’ve been plagued with. A number of people have commented (in complimentary ways) about my weight loss. I don’t know how to respond to those comments…so I usually just say, “yes, I’ve lost some weight” and change the subject. I don’t actually want to get into it with them. Again, I never comment on anyone’s weight, and tbh, I almost never comment on their appearance, other than to say “It’s so good to see you!” because one never knows what is really going on.
10 Likes
wonder if this is as much of an issue in other countries that are NOT as overweight as the US. Maybe they comment more on other appearance things besides weight!
Such a good point that we equate overweight with bad health and thin with good health. So often not true at all!
1 Like
I don’t comment on weight (unless it’s an obvious 50lb++ loss and I knew they were working on it). I also try not to comment about how someone looks in general, but rather “I like how you’re wearing your hair” or “Love that sweater”.
I have a very dear friend who has always been naturally slim and fit. She plays a variety of recreational sports and is a runner. Her one character flaw is that she frequently makes comments about being fat or not being able to eat something because she’s worried about her weight. I’m not sure what prompts these comments. She’s not the type who goes fishing for compliments - she’s a very giving, sweet person. A nervous tick maybe? Anyway it drives me nuts! We have another friend in our group who is very overweight and struggles hourly with it. It drives her particularly nuts. We’ve gotten to a point where we don’t acknowledge those comments from her at all and just change the conversation.
Unfortunately, this is a problem in many countries whether or not the population struggles in general with being overweight.
And, it’s not just women. Men also have to conform to certain beauty standards. There isn’t nearly as much pressure, but it’s still there.
Weight for women in our society is closely tied to so many things. Perceived health, self esteem and self-discipline. A woman can be beautiful regardless of weight, but if we are honest a slim, proportional body looks better in clothing than one that is obese and not proportional. Obesity can also make a younger woman look a lot older.
So weight is sort of this badge we carry, a visible indicator of how much we take care of ourselves. Never mind that there can be many genetic reasons for it. I have always worked hard to keep my weight in a good range but genetically I’m predisposed to having that be very challenging.
Women who are naturally (and genetically) slim can make comments too.My son’s school had a parent dinner for the senior class recently. My husband and I sat next to a couple where the wife was very petite and slim. She went back to get more salad and laughed and said “don’t judge me for getting more food!”. I thought why would I judge you, you are barely 90 pounds soaking wet, lol.
3 Likes
Has anyone noticed this same sort of thing with aging? I joined Facebook a couple years ago and have found that some people will post “why haven’t you aged?” or other comments like looks-not necessarily weight related, but comments on “looking good” etc. I think this and comments on being thin are intended to be compliments from posters and people trying to lift others self-esteem. Maybe they are seeking these same compliments in return because they like a good self-esteem booster. I’ve had family members who struggle with body image and try not to comment on looks at all-especially on Facebook.
1 Like
Due to my father’s job, I spent my elementary school years an American citizen in a third-world country. I was a chubby kid (and am now a chubby adult) and there, being chubby was seen as healthy. It meant you had enough to eat.
5 Likes
Quite possibly body dysmorphia. You see her as what she is, very healthy. She doesn’t see that.
1 Like
I think there are similar pressures in terms of aging being more on women and men.
3 Likes
Maybe in the woman to woman or men to men context. IMO, women notice A LOT (I do!) that men are aging. Doesn’t mean I say something but I do note it and think hmmm…are they not taking care of themselves? (did you mean THAN men???)
At my 30th high school reunion it was surprising how much more the men had aged than the women. I could recognize the women but done of the guys I couldn’t.
3 Likes
I think there is more pressure for women not to age than there is for men. Should have been “than” not “and.”
That’s funny you should say this. I saw a high school classmate of mine (female), for the first time since HS, at my sibling’s home not too long ago. Her remark to me was that I hadn’t changed (at least too much that she couldn’t recognize me). Yay!
Having said that, I saw some pics of some HS classmates during the height of the pandemic, because our Zoom reunion was held then (I didn’t participate), and I’d agree with you. The women were much easier to recognize than the men.
1 Like
That is all consistent with there being more pressure on women not to show age or at least age well. Anti-aging, anti-wrinkle, etc. industry isn’t aimed at men.
I was at a reuinion a number of years ago with a group of male classmates looking over at a group of female classmates. Statements were made that the women had aged poorly. Gained waeight, wrinkles, etc. I took a step back and looked at the group of guys (most of whom were balding, beer gut, etc) and said “Oh really?”
Later was talking with a male classmate who noted that a certain female classmate had gained 25 pounds. I looked at him and said I had gained 25 pounds.
I always get the comment that I look just the same as I did in high school. Reality is I gained about 35 pounds since (and have less hair but no bald spot–yet). But going from a BMI of 16 to 20 is different than someone who went from normal weight to overweight.
1 Like
I lost about 20 pounds over a few years of eating better and running. My mother was surprised to hear it, had not really noticed. At first I was surprised, and then I realize that probably she had never noticed the gradual weight gain either. She just saw me as me.
11 Likes
Back to OP:
I agree that was an awkward situation and it may have felt as though there were some veiled hostility or criticism or jealousy. Like you I likely would have ignored the comment and changed the subject. I hate to hear people beat up on themselves over weight or age. Maybe I should find a way to say “you are more than your weight and I am happy to be with you.”
Every now and then someone really wants to know how I maintain my weight and then I will talk about diet and exercise. Otherwise, I don’t like to talk about it. I am not gluten free or vegetarian or sugar avoiding or intermittantly fasting. I don’t like to talk about diets. But that is sometimes a way that women communicate. We had a thread a while ago about how women used to (maybe still do?) communicate with compliments. Start a conversation by saying “I love your shoes!” or “that pin is so cute.” I think some women also say “I’m so fat” to start a conversation. “I’m so fat! I baked all through Covid.”
2 Likes
At one point in my mid-30s I weighed 104 lbs and loved it - I was essentially a clothes hanger, a size zero. None of my friends thought I looked good. (“Gaunt” and “skeletal” were comments I remember.) But I loved how I looked. That’s how screwed up the cultural/social pressures are for me.
(I was also a complete basket case with many psychological issues, and I almost died.)
Getting better, having kids, actually eating food, and menopause took care of my thinness, and I am close to double that weight now. I’m miserable about it. But I’m mentally much healthier.
Knowing that, for me, the only way to be happy about my weight is to be unhealthy, is so frustrating. I cannot shake this perspective. I’ve never found a happy medium, either.
For some women, it’s all-encompassing, and an obvious conversational meeting-point. I am generally an introvert and don’t talk much about it but I know plenty of women like your friend in the bathroom.
7 Likes