One of my longest friends was dx.with cancer last week, and the prognosis is very poor. To say I, and we, are utterly devastated, is an understatement. The dx. came about by way of another, minor illness, that required investigative tests; before this dx. she had no symptoms that would lead in the direction of cancer…
Anyway, I am due to see said friend later in the week. Of course, I know she will want to talk about her illness, and of course, I will give her an open floor, however, I don’t really know what to say as an opening line ‘hi, how are you?’ (my typical trite greeting), ‘Hi, I’m sorry you have cancer’ ‘Hi, would you like a cup of tea?’ etc.
I just don’t know what to say or do, to prevent al elephant taking up residence in the room. Any words of advice would be much appreciated.
I’m really sorry. Sorry for your friend and sorry for you and your friendship.
Sadly I’ve had this happen a few times.
When my friend’s husband was diagnosed with cancer, I supported my friend through initial treatment, surgery and then reoccurrence. I just said I’m really sorry, I listened and I brought food. I texted another mutual friend at the end to keep the friend group informed. My friend when she lost her husband, she made it easy. We talked about our mutual hobbies and made small talk. I let her vent and when I disagreed with her, I listened and kept my mouth shut.
Just recently my sister in law left my husband’s brother after 30 years. When I saw him, I said I was sorry and that I will always support you. He cried and said that he feels that he got his family back because he wasn’t sure we would be on his side. I said always. The sil, I texted, said that I was sorry and that I loved her.
I was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer fourteen years ago. I’m doing well now, but it didn’t look good in the beginning and then again through a couple of recurrences. I’m a pretty private person, but I did feel the need to talk about it with my close friends. Almost anything you say is going to be okay as long as she knows you care enough to want to hear her talk about it. Just let her take the lead. You can certainly ask her how she’s doing. Some of my friends didn’t want to talk about it and that was hard for me. It wasn’t all I wanted to talk about, but I needed to know I was validated and that people cared.
I had a friend who had a rare, aggressive stage 4 breast cancer. We were all shocked and supportive. She fought and overcame long odds and is fighting fir her 5 year survival anniversary.
Mostly, I and there let her talk and take the lead and supported the choices she made. She couldn’t stand being home so chose to work at her workplace thru treatment and chemo.
Agree with all of the above - just listen ask “how are you doing?”. Don’t (as some friends of mine did) fill the awkwardness with a litany of their own immediate issues ) Just be okay with some quiet and “that’s got to be tough…” Most people appreciate the care - it doesn’t have to be perfect.
“I am glad to see you. How is today going for you?”
Don’t forget she is still a person with interests, hobbies, etc. Sometimes we forget a person is still there under the diagnosis. Good for you, for not running away.
Resist the urge to fix things, fix her, be a hero. The bravest thing friends can do is stay nearby for the whole journey, and you would be shocked at how fast people bail out. Not a bad idea to make a lunch date for 10 days hence, and when she says she can’t make plans, just agree that last minute cancelling is perfectly fine now.
People say “let me know if I can do anything”. Not as useful as actually just doing something, imho. People with grave dx really don’t have the bandwidth to solve your puzzles.
Thank you all for your sage words of comfort. While I am sadly not a stranger to this type of news, somehow, this has hit me particularly hard. I am truly heartbroken - your collective advice in how to present myself, has been immensely helpful.
greenbutton - this is a great piece of advice. I’m taking it myself and will apply it in the future! You are right - that phrase puts the burden on the ill (or in-need) person to 1) figure it out, 2) get the gumption up to ask you for something, while 3) making you feel good because you’ve said it. Far better to offer something concrete. Such a good point.
Offering to make and bring over a dinner for your friend and her family, something you know she like the next evening at 6 and maybe giving her a choice of 3 entree – meatloaf & baked potatoes, beef stew and rice or baked chicken and fresh bread?
When I was going through chemo, some almost 30 years ago, my neighbors provided dinner. 5 families, all who had children my kids played with, got together and sent dinner over on the night I had a treatment. I am not one to ask for help, and more of a do it myself kind of person, but I truly appreciated their help and concern. My entire family lives in town, so it isn’t like I didn’t have the support I needed; mom was always around to take care of my kids when needed as they were only 5 and 8 years old. Something about the neighbors thoughtfulness, meant more to me than anything else.
Now people do meal trains that people sign up for a particular meal to send. I have received emails to participate in these, and while happy to help, it just doesn’t feel the same as when someone plans this on their own. Just my opinion about receiving an email to participate; I guess I feel like I am asking for a donation just because I may have crossed paths with the person. One I received must have had 50 people on the email list!
I’m sorry, just follow her lead. My mom was an active 69 year old super healthy when she was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. During those four months she wanted nothing put positivity (would hang up on her sister for getting emotional. This really helped me with the situation. Ring Theory Helps Us Bring Comfort In | Psychology Today
When I’ve been ill, the LAST thing my husband wanted was a meal train. Cooking is his stress buster, plus he’s picky. There are other things you can offer to do – get the yard mowed, do laundry, change sheets, pick up groceries, pick up a magazine or book she wants, bring a bouquet when you visit… One of my friends came to the hospital and read books aloud to me (pre-podcast and kindle). I don’t remember much about the book (I had just come out of a coma and reading/focusing were NOT happening), but I remember her at my side.
I’m so sorry for your friend and wish her easy treatment and full healing. You’re a good friend to care so deeply.
) Just be okay with some quiet and “that’s got to be tough…” Most people appreciate the care - it doesn’t have to be perfect.