Wow this essay stinks. Please help!

Transfer Students
1

<p>I'm applying for transfer application to Brown, Obelin, Vassar, Yale, Wash U, Tufts, Swarthmore, UPenn, (roughly in order) Here's the first half of the generic "discuss your college experience so far anD tell us why you want to transfer to our school" essay. ANY HELP WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!! THANK YOU</p>

<p>Zydeco Nights</p>

<pre><code>I started my college career at Tulane University in New Orleans. My time here has brought many exciting experiences. New Orleans is unique. Its music is fantastic and its culture eccentric, loving, and fun. I took a class called “The Music and Culture of New Orleans” to discover all that the city and surrounding Cajun area has to offer. Music and Culture was a very interactive class. Among our many field trips was a trip to The Rock n’ Bowl, a combination music hall and bowling alley, for Zydeco Night
Before we left, we had a dance lesson from a professor expert in Zydeco grooves. “Care to dance?” he said, “Zydeco Style!” “All it takes is a quick step with the right foot, a slow one with the left, then two quick steps back.” “Add a partner,” he told us, “and you are almost there.” “But most importantly,” said the professor with intense enthusiasm, “Do not forget to spin, shake your hips, and otherwise rock out to the accordion, washboard, upright base, enthusiastic lyrics, and zesty Habanera rhythms you will be hearing tonight!”
</code></pre>

<p>After two hours of learning the basic Zydeco step and a Zydeco Waltz, we boarded the bus to The Rock n’ Bowl. We all had a great time using our new dance skills. I danced with friends, and teachers; and in accordance with New Orleans tradition, with random gentlemen among the crowd.
The band was incredible, unlike anything I had heard up close before. There were several instrumentalists and together they produced a vibrant explosion of sound. I liked it so much that I purchased a CD for my music-loving father. When I returned home for winter break, I popped in the CD and attempted to teach my family how to Zydeco dance. Unfortunately, my family had difficulty learning the basic step and soon gave up. However, they were delighted to simply try it and experience some of the culture I had been living in for the past four months. They were even amazed by my very limited dancing ability. I realized how accustomed I had become to living in New Orleans and experiencing its culture! It was a shock to return home to a completely different world, with those who did not live and breath New Orleans.<br>
I understood then how special my experiences this semester had been. Not everyone gets to go on dance fieldtrips for class, let alone be able to blend their academic growth with New Orleans’ plethora of cultures, rich food, festivals, concerts, and museums. Attending Tulane this year was a surprise. But even though it was unexpected, perhaps even unwanted, I gained a unique knowledge and wealth of experience in my time here. There will always be disappointments in life. But within them, there are always opportunities.
Despite my positive experience at Tulane, my passion for being part of your schools community remains as strong as ever…. Yadda yadda yadda … </p>

<p>Does this describe my college experience? Because it's really more of an anecdote than anything else. Do I need to talk more about my academic experience? Any other suggestions?</p>

2

<p>Or should I use this one I also wrote </p>

<p>A University education presents a whole new world of opportunities and challenges. For many of my classmates, it presented a demand with which they had never dealt before. Many of these brilliant young minds had managed to excel in high school with out expending an abundance of effort. However, once at college, they had a rude awakening and realized that college coursework requires a whole new level of study and a completely different kind of effort.
Simply put, I did not have this experience. I have always been a studier and a hard worker, so the demand of tremendous amounts of study came as no surprise to me. If anything, I was excited about this aspect of college; a chance and study and learn to my utmost potential. However, I did not entirely escape the fate of my fellow students. I received a harsh awakening of my own, only of a different kind.
In high school, I could never skate by with out studying. As long as I studied until my cranium was about to spontaneously combust and understood the material, I could almost always achieve that coveted A. But throughout my first semester of University life, I found that despite my profusion of studying, I was not succeeding at the level to which I aspired. Undaunted, I continued studying, attended office hours, utilized the campus tutoring center – the whole gambit. But nonetheless, I found that no matter how hard I worked, and how well I comprehended the material, I often could not get that A. I persevered, and as the year rolled on it paid off heavily. By the end of the semester, with continued effort and a little adjustment, I was able to produce an excellent set of grades and gained abundance of knowledge.
This experience led me to a valuable lesson: sometimes no matter how hard you have worked and no matter how excellent you are, there will always be new challenges of difficulty you never dreamed existed. In the end, it is never even about grades. It is about learning as much as you can, and realizing that there will always be new and demanding experiences to face. And throughout our lives, it is our duty, and pleasure, to rise to meet them.
Brown University can offer me an amazing combination of opportunity and challenge. Yadda yadda yadda….</p>

3

<p>I like the second one. Straight and to the point describing how you overcame an obstacle. I would rather hear about academic experience and how you want more of it, but thats just me. </p>

<p>Now my problem is studying little or not at all. After 2 semesters of taking 9 - 10 hours im planning to increase that to 18. Just gonna take some studying!</p>

<p>Haha you just gave me an essay idea if I transfer to a selective school!</p>

4

<p>hey...theyre both good...second ones better, mroe on target, i think transfer essays should be why do you want to transfer to the school? i mean, it sounds like you had some good times at Tulane, i dont know if thats what the other places want...but then again, they dont want the bitterness either...</p>

5

<p>btw, why are you transferring from Tulane? i may transfer to Tulane, Macalester, or Grinnell, among others...</p>