Wow this essay stinks. Please help me with my application

Colleges & Universities A-Z Brown University
1

<p>I’m a freshman at Tulane University. I am applying to transfer to Brown (first choice) among other schools. I feel my essay is lacking. This is the first half of the generic “tell us about your college experience so far and why you want to go to our school question.” Does it talk about academic growth and education enough? ANY help would be greatly appreciated</p>

<p>Zydeco Nights</p>

<pre><code>I started my college career at Tulane University in New Orleans. My time here has brought many exciting experiences. New Orleans is unique. Its music is fantastic and its culture eccentric, loving, and fun. I took a class called “The Music and Culture of New Orleans” to discover all that the city and surrounding Cajun area has to offer. Music and Culture was a very interactive class. Among our many field trips was a trip to The Rock n’ Bowl, a combination music hall and bowling alley, for Zydeco Night
Before we left, we had a dance lesson from a professor expert in Zydeco grooves. “Care to dance?” he said, “Zydeco Style!” “All it takes is a quick step with the right foot, a slow one with the left, then two quick steps back.” “Add a partner,” he told us, “and you are almost there.” “But most importantly,” said the professor with intense enthusiasm, “Do not forget to spin, shake your hips, and otherwise rock out to the accordion, washboard, upright base, enthusiastic lyrics, and zesty Habanera rhythms you will be hearing tonight!”
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<p>After two hours of learning the basic Zydeco step and a Zydeco Waltz, we boarded the bus to The Rock n’ Bowl. We all had a great time using our new dance skills. I danced with friends, and teachers; and in accordance with New Orleans tradition, with random gentlemen among the crowd.
The band was incredible, unlike anything I had heard up close before. There were several instrumentalists and together they produced a vibrant explosion of sound. I liked it so much that I purchased a CD for my music-loving father. When I returned home for winter break, I popped in the CD and attempted to teach my family how to Zydeco dance. Unfortunately, my family had difficulty learning the basic step and soon gave up. However, they were delighted to simply try it and experience some of the culture I had been living in for the past four months. They were even amazed by my very limited dancing ability. I realized how accustomed I had become to living in New Orleans and experiencing its culture! It was a shock to return home to a completely different world, with those who did not live and breath New Orleans.<br>
I understood then how special my experiences this semester had been. Not everyone gets to go on dance fieldtrips for class, let alone be able to blend their academic growth with New Orleans’ plethora of cultures, rich food, festivals, concerts, and museums. Attending Tulane this year was a surprise. But even though it was unexpected, perhaps even unwanted, I gained a unique knowledge and wealth of experience in my time here. There will always be disappointments in life. But within them, there are always opportunities.
Despite my positive experience at Tulane, my passion for being part of Brown’s academic community remains as strong as ever…. Yadda yadda yadda … </p>

<p>Other stats: </p>

<p>College </p>

<p>Major: Neuroscience Minors: studio art, women’s studies
First semester GPA: 3.7 (11 credits) plus a satisfactory grade in calculus (4 credits) due to a medical problem.
Good EC (A lot of clubs but no leadership positions or anything)
Expecting very good recommendations
Taking 14 credits now, anticiipating a 3.7-4.0 (knock on wood!!) </p>

<p>High School
GPA 3.96 (2 b’s senior year, one in an AP class), top 10%
Most rigorous schedule
INCREDIBLE ec
Science research
Champion wrestler/rugby player. played football as well (i’m a girl)
Ceramics
1370 SAT (though I have gotten lower scores when I’ve retaken it since then)
SAT II Bio: 690 Math IIC 650 Writing 700 </p>

<p>Extra:
Excellent additional essay
Research Booklet (excellent, but from sophomore year)
Ceramics Portfolio
Two EXCELLENT additional recommendations from boss and coach/teacher
Admissions boost from the rugby team
WAS WAITLISTED LAST YEAR</p>

<p>Chances?</p>

2

<p>Gee, it focuses too much on the greatness of Tulane. I would try to focus more on what about Borwn is just right for you and vice versa. Maybe close with a tiny PP about Tulane and the fun you have had, so they see you have a great attitude, etc--- but let the bulk of the essay be about you.</p>

3

<p>pp?
How can I make it more about me?</p>

<p>The rest of the essay will be about why i love brown and really want to go there. I know a lot of details. I just havne't thrown that in yet...but as for articulating my college experience..does that do it? How else could I articulate my college experience. I went to class...went out...danced....what do I say?</p>

4

<p>the corny message behind the essay was "wow, this year at college taught me that there's good in every bad situation" <em>bats eye lashes</em></p>

5

<p>What is the prompt? Do you have more than one essay?-- if so what are all the prompts?</p>

<p>I think I can answer your Q better when I know that.</p>

6

<p>The prompt, for brown, is "you are advised to articulate your college experience to date and your reasons for seeking transfer admission to Brown." </p>

<p>So the first part was the college experience adn what i'll add later is why i want to go to brown, and how some of those things have not been at tulane.</p>

7

<p>Thanks for your help! I"m sorry if I sound surly,it's just because it's late and i'm stressed and tired :). Thank you very much. </p>

<p>There's only one prompt, but I'm sending in an extra one:</p>

<p>Will it Float?</p>

<pre><code>Will it float? You tell me.
I teach science to elementary school children at a summer day camp called SKIES at Oregon State University in Corvallis, Oregon. We play a game called “Will it Float,” adapted from a segment on “The Late Show with David Letterman.” The game is simple. It involves a tub of water and random objects, like a super ball, duct tape, or a plastic pink flamingo. To explain the concept of density, we put the object in the water with the question, “will it float?” Originally I thought that this was a stupid idea. What person, no matter how young and hopped up on candy they were, would find this remotely interesting? But to my surprise, when I entered the classroom I saw two dozen first and second graders absolutely enthralled with the game. They were standing on their chairs, cheering, and chanting -- all just to see if a banana can float.
Teaching for SKIES is always a great experience. The kids are eager from the moment they walk in the door. My fellow teachers and I teach week-long units about basic science concepts, such as biology week, chemistry week, and matter week. We lead the children in simple experiments, such as mixing baking soda and vinegar, dissolving Alka Seltzer, and examining oil’s interactions with water -- phenomenon we know all too well to be impressed by. But time and time again, throughout all the experiments, I am amazed by the sheer joy and appreciation that these young minds get from the knowledge and activities which we consider commonplace. And it makes you realize that the older we get the more we lose that sense of awe at the world around us.
We often grow resistant to new experiences and new knowledge. I remember how easily impressed I was when I was younger. I could stare at ball mazes in museums for hours, with each minute as fascinating as the next. I could watch ants on the playground endlessly. Just about anything could capture my attention. But as we grow, it’s easy to cloud our minds with the responsibilities and obligations of life and not truly appreciate what we learn and what we see. It takes a little more to impress us, a little more to be pleased. We sometimes lose sight of that innate sense of wonder and stop paying attention. But these children’s minds are blank slates, and they have not yet allowed themselves to become jaded. Every step, every word, every morsel of information, is new and exhilarating.
I took a year off after high school before starting the next phase of my education. But even though I was not in school, I was still learning, still growing. It is amazing how much you can learn being on the other end of the classroom. Teaching for this camp and seeing the children’s ability to find awe in every new experience, no matter how mundane it appears, reminds me to recognize the grandeur in all that I see or learn. With the right approach, everything in this world is beautiful and exciting. You simply have to pay attention.
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8

<p>However, I also wrote another essay for the official prompt but it seemed too bland. Here it is: </p>

<pre><code>A University education presents a whole new world of opportunities and challenges. For many of my classmates, it presented a demand with which they had never dealt before. Many of these brilliant young minds had managed to excel in high school with out expending an abundance of effort. However, once at college, they had a rude awakening and realized that college coursework requires a whole new level of study and a completely different kind of effort.
Simply put, I did not have this experience. I have always been a studier and a hard worker, so the demand of tremendous amounts of study came as no surprise to me. If anything, I was excited about this aspect of college; a chance and study and learn to my utmost potential. However, I did not entirely escape the fate of my fellow students. I received a harsh awakening of my own, only of a different kind.
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<p>In high school, I could never skate by with out studying. As long as I studied until my cranium was about to spontaneously combust and understood the material, I could almost always achieve that coveted A. But throughout my first semester of University life, I found that despite my profusion of studying, I was not succeeding at the level to which I aspired. Undaunted, I continued studying, attended office hours, utilized the campus tutoring center – the whole gambit. But nonetheless, I found that no matter how hard I worked, and how well I comprehended the material, I often could not get that A. I persevered, and as the year rolled on it paid off heavily. By the end of the semester, with continued effort and a little adjustment, I was able to produce an excellent set of grades and gained abundance of knowledge.
This experience led me to a valuable lesson: sometimes no matter how hard you have worked and no matter how excellent you are, there will always be new challenges of difficulty you never dreamed existed. In the end, it is never even about grades. It is about learning as much as you can, and realizing that there will always be new and demanding experiences to face. And throughout our lives, it is our duty, and pleasure, to rise to meet them.
Brown University can offer me an amazing combination of opportunity and challenge. Yadda yadda yadda….</p>

9

<p>I would answer the question without needing it to be "essayish." I would be brief on the college experience and go longer on the "why Brown" part. You can use the Zydeco as a short anecdote but as it is, it seems like a pro Tulane essay, rather than a "Why Clay Soul & Brown need to be together" essay.</p>

<p>What are your top 5 reasons for seeking to transfer to Brown? What does Brown offer you that Tulane does not? </p>

<p>Obviously you are enjoying Tulane. Why transfer? How will it be better for you in a deep way? That's what they want to know.</p>

10

<p>That's one aspect of tulane I enjoyed. One out of....many not enjoyable ones. They also want a personal statement. That's their recommended prompt</p>

<p>Here's (roughly -- computer problems) the letter I wrote to the admin commitee after I was waitlisted last year that I was planning on basing my why i want to go to brown part on. And I plan to make it long, which may mean shortening the other part</p>

<p>Dear Brown Admissions Committee:</p>

<pre><code>Thank you very much for placing me on the Waiting List at Brown University. I am writing to request to remain on the Waiting List and express my continuing interest in Brown University. Brown is an outstanding place for me and is my very first choice.
Brown is one of the only schools at which I can pursue my all three of my main interests: cognitive science and neuroscience, rugby, and ceramics. At Brown, I could study the mind in one of the best and longest-standing programs in the country, with an incredible breadth of course and major options. I could play rugby with a lively and enthusiastic group which is in the top of their league. I could also study ceramics through cross-registration at Rhode Island School of Design, one of the best art schools in the country. And most importantly, Brown’s liberal arts focus would allow me to do all three.
Furthermore, Brown’s other characteristics make it a perfect fit for me. Its open curriculum and spirit of learning and exploration would allow me to pursue all of the above interests and more, such as political science, women’s studies, fine arts, and theater. Brown also has a unique, intelligent, motivated, and friendly student body. It has a supportive community atmosphere, with features like non-disciplinary Resident Advisors and involved guidance counselors with only a few students.
Brown University is a place I could call home. I can contribute a great deal to Brown University as a student and as an active member of the Brown Community.I am a very self-directed learner and would be able to fully utilize Brown’s unique and innovative curriculum. I have many passions and plan to join and contribute to many campus groups. I love to try new things and explore. I am a very intellectualperson and love the discussion of current events and ideas present at Brown.
I believe that I can contribute greatly to the academic atmosphere of campus and to the enthusiasm and passion with which students pursue their education. I am very excited about Brown University and the possible chance to attend. Thank you very much for giving me that opportunity. I feel strongly that Brown University is an excellent place for me and that I am an excellent student for Brown.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
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<p>Sincerely,
ME</p>

11

<p>Add in things like sense of community, school pride, residential campus, small upper level science classes, teachers who care about students more than research, small to no greek system, good rugby, few purely partiers, etc -- all things tulane lack</p>

12

<p>Okay, I was asking for a <em>list</em> not the old letter. I really, sincerely wonder: what's wrong with Tulane, why can't you thrive there, and what makes Brown so diff? Think about this. It's up to you, but I think your essays sound too generic and canned. They seem too similar to 1000 other essays. They do not make the case for you, IMHO. I am not an adcom, so I could be wrong. </p>

<p>Obviously you are a good student, via your GPA at Tulane. That's a good beginning.</p>

<p>But I'd be more conversational & real in your essays, so the admission people are hearing your voice & glimpsing your personality as they read. Who are you, what makes you tick?</p>

<p>That's all the help I can really give; good luck.</p>

13

<p>how do you recommend i be more conversational and real?</p>

14

<p>Clay Soul, I can't keep advising you through all the specifics. But I will give you an example:</p>

<p>"I believe that I can contribute greatly to the academic atmosphere of campus and to the enthusiasm and passion with which students pursue their education."</p>

<p>VERSUS</p>

<p>"Let me at you, Brown!"</p>

<p>This is not to say my example is what you should write, it is just to illustrate the difference between essayish/dry and conversational tones. </p>

<p>For more help go to the "Universal Essay Advice" threads in Parents Forum. I am done posting on this topic.</p>

15

<p>SBmom is right about your essay--it would be OK if the Zydeco experience had happened in high school and you were a freshman applicant, but this essay should evaluate the total Tulane experience --highs and lows. Conclude with your disappointments and then explain how Brown would offer you what's missing and how you have grown and developed since your wait list time. Otherwise, it sounds like you're saying "Tulane has been great but I would still rather go to a more prestigious Ivy university and haven't overcome my frustration at having been wait-listed."</p>