WSJ Article: College Women Should "Start Husband-Hunting"

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>This reminded me of funny exchange with one of my students a few years back. Her GC kept telling her that when she went on college visits to talk to several students and think…could I possibly become best friends with this person…would I want them as a roommate…could we see a movie together? She was very stressed about this.</p>

<p>A few weeks later her Mom gave her an article which stated that a large percentage of married couple met while on the same college campus. She asked to speak to me after school (in tears). “It was bad enough when I had to speak to people to see if we could spend time together…now I have to wonder if the guys look like someone I could marry? What do I ask my tour guide as we walk around…can you remove your shirt so I can check out your abs?”</p>

<p>Two years later she came to visit the HS again, with a boyfriend she had met at freshman orientation at Boston College. Wonder how that turned out.</p>

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<p>I agree with virtually everything that has been said here. I have definitely told my sons (I have only sons) that college is an ideal time to meet a life partner just because of similar interests, good prospects, time/energy, etc. I’m also a believer that it is easier to “grow up” with someone and stay compatible than to do all the compromises with someone you meet once you’re set in your ways. However, I realize that many people disagree with this hypothesis. I would be very happy if my kids married right out of college and gave me grandchildren by their mid-20s. I only mention this not because I would pressure them (and with them being boys, they do have a bit more biological time if desired/needed), but because so many of my mom friends are like, “oh, I’m not ready to be a grandmother for a long time!” and I totally don’t feel that way.</p>

<p>All that said, my father was a HUGE believer in this “meet your spouse at college so you get a good one or you will never find a man” and told us (all girls) this on a constant basis. None of my sisters met their husbands in college, though I did. And the number of things I advocate as a parent that my dad did too - I can count on one hand, so maybe I should second guess this too. :)</p>

<p>I also acknowledge the excellent points about race and gender bias and how icky this whole marketing ploy is by the author.</p>

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<p>I have a number of female colleagues who delayed marriage until professionally established. They married older, divorced men who were professionally established. </p>

<p>They pretty much skipped the “salad days” stage of marriage.</p>

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My mid-20s DS believes so. He now regrets he did not pay enough attention to this aspect of his life as a college student several years ago. A “problem” he notices is that he is no longer interested in many activities he used to enjoy as a college student. He does not feel as “young” as he did in his college years. Also, he had more free time back then.</p>

<p>After graduation, many women who used to be his friends disperse all over the places in the country. It is not easy to reconnect with them or to start a long distance relationship.</p>

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<p>Of my family of 7, only ONE of us married someone we met in college & they were in grad school–she a masters in special ed & he a med student. My parents met in a club in college and married after college/grad/pro school. Yes, it is important to keep in touch with friends made in HS AND college, but not many of the folks I am close to met their spouses in college. </p>

<p>S did have women in his study groups in college; don’t know if he still keeps in touch with them. I believe D keeps in touch with the folks she met in college. I have lost touch with most of those I attended college & pro school with–life gets busy and hectic. Met H when we were on the same volleyball team when I was working in my first professional position.</p>

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<p>I married someone I met in high school, so I could have saved lots of tuition in college !</p>

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<p>^HaHa.</p>

<p>I do think it is unwise not to at least be open to meeting a mate in college. The only real problem comes at graduation time, when relocation for further school or work happens. But compromise is a continual necessity throughout a marriage. We got married right out of college. Those were nice years. I can’t see how my life would have been better has I been single throughout those pre-parent years. </p>

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<p>the idea of meeting someone in college is great. i kinda think that if you go to college to concentrate on studies and your future that you should have atleast a foot planted in that won’t stir you from that goal. now not to say that if you meet a husband wife, partner whatever, that you think could be the one. You should totally ignore them. i just feel that people should set themselves up a little more. or atleast make sure they have a career to fall back on after college in order to build a better life for you and your partner. there’s no law that says you have to go to college to fish hunt. Why not just go to college to college. Study, prepare yourself for life. Because the rest of your life is all you will have to find someone whether in college or not to be with. Don’t boggle yourself down too early. Everything in it’s due time and natural course. </p>

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<p>I don’t think it necessarily is saying that women should get married at 21 (or even 22 - age at graduation), but if a couple were to continue dating post-college and marry at 24ish, that’s not crazy-young.</p>

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<p>I think I can address the flip side of this issue, because I came from a culture that pressured marriage at a young age at BYU. That pressure continues to this day – it is assumed that you will meet and marry someone at BYU before you graduate … and if you don’t, you are more than just a little considered “damage goods”. I’m sure some other Mormon will deny that this is so, but this was the way it was when I went to BYU, and it was still this way when my daughter graduated a year ago.</p>

<p>First of all, I think that you marry when you meet someone that you love, who loves you, and who you share interests and, possibly, the same child-rearing ideas. This can happen when you’re 20, or when you’re 40 – and if you’re mature at those ages, much happiness can ensue. I married at 22, my husband was 21, and we have an extremely happy marriage.</p>

<p>Having said that, though, I have observed the pressure to marry young, and what it does to women. In some cultures, early marriage brings with it the mistake of marrying the first person who asks, whether you share commonalities or not. Mormons marry young, usually in their early college days, and their divorce rate is exactly the same as outside of mormonism … somewhere around 50%. I’ve witnessed far too many women who married because they felt the “clock ticking” and thought time was running out, and married men who were not good mates – who either didn’t work, or weren’t compatible, and because the women didn’t finish college or establish a career they were left working in jobs that were low-paying and did not challenge them. So, not great marriages AND not great careers.</p>

<p>This book will play well to Mormons, because we often share the same 1950’s outlook. While I agree that searching for a mate in college is great because the numbers are better (more good men who are your age and usually your education level), I would NEVER marry at the expense of getting an education and preparing for a career if I had it to do all over again. I’ve observed women who have, and it hasn’t worked out well for them. Both people in a marriage should be prepared to contribute monetarily to the family, mostly because in this economy, it’s a necessity. Also, equality in a marriage is VITAL. I’m not saying that both parties have to make the same money, but that both parties should share money, housework, and child-rearing responsibilities. This is a good idea for all sorts of reasons, but specifically just in case one spouse loses their job or becomes ill, then both know how to deal with all responsibilities in their union.</p>

<p>The other part of this – how many men in their 20’s WANT to get married? Outside of Mormonism, I don’t see a lot of guys who are rushing to the altar at that age. So even if an educated gal wants to find a mate in college (someplace other than BYU), there may not be many men who are thinking along the same lines…</p>

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<p>There is a grain of truth to that. My D the uber-feminist would have a fit to hear me say this but really, college is not just about education, it’s about networking, making connections. One should not necessarily get married straight out of college or grad school, but even having a network of “guy friends” or girlfriends who have other guy friends, well. I think it’s better to meet your mate through college or via college friends of friends than hanging out in bars looking for Mr. Right and hoping for the best. Young people (I do remember, I was one of them, once) think they have all the time in the world to look for the perfect mate. Some take so long looking for perfection that all the good ones are taken by the time one gets around to settling down in their late 30s or early 40s, when that biological clock starts ticking. And then unless you get really lucky, it’s kind of late. </p>

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<p>Does water conduct electricity? It’d be great to get an answer, because I cant find how to post it.</p>

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<p>My only two points:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>The idea that women need to “prove themselves” by spending the first 50 years of their lives completely alone collecting graduate certificates leading to a dead-end career at ENRON is going to die no matter how hard feminists try to keep it alive.
Being a mother and a wife is more meaningful and fulfilling to most women just like being a father and a husband is more meaningful and fulfilling to most men. Our greater understanding of evolution has allowed us to admit we gain more pleasure from personal interactions than we do from chasing arbitrary job titles without being called “lazy” or “cowardly” like in the past. I know that’s not the same point the author of the article was making, but the thread starter alluded to being a “mrs” instead of an “ms” being a relic of the pre-1960s and I can’t agree.
Rather, pre-1960s was just biological normalcy. What we saw from the 1960s to early 2000s was a strange growing pain where mass evolutionary illiteracy and organized gov’t/bank pushes for cheaper labor (via females) made people believe genders were warring factions “holding each other down” (and that the way to win the war, was, conveniently, becoming a paper-pusher) rather than understanding that gender roles developed completely naturally.</p></li>
<li><p>This made me laugh: “College is the best place to look for your mate. It is an environment teeming with like-minded, age-appropriate single men with whom you already share many things. You will never again have this concentration of exceptional men to choose from.”
I mean come on, think of the guys you knew in college. Exceptional men… LOL. Bunch of guys having who can drink chocolate milk through their nose contests. I agree with the premise except that exceptional people are no more common in college than they are on the street. College has not been an exclusive intelligent thing in a long time. It is a sterile, politically correct environment most of the population at some point attempts and has really become culturally identical to high school.</p></li>
</ol>

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<p>Imo, we’re now in a post-Feminist stage. Freedom of choice means all sorts of things and I think we need labels less… I find my female friends far more interesting today than when in college- whether they are in the work world or not. Part of that is age, sure. But it’s also that we’re allowed to be more multi-dimensional. It;s ok to be between the extreme arcs of the pendulum. </p>

<p>I think some of us had to come through the “60’s to 00’s” to see how this works. My daughters feel the freedoms, but I don’t think they quite get it yet. A few years away from college and I suspect they will.</p>

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<p>I’m really glad I didn’t marry my college boyfriend. I met my husband at work, at my first job after graduation. Now my S1 is the opposite; he graduated last May, has a GF a year younger still at the college they both attended, and they are serious. To each his own.</p>

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<p>@lookingforward - as they say, “I will be a post-feminist when the world is post-sexist”. :)</p>

<p>@discoinferno, I’m afraid I must disagree with you. Feminism isn’t about forcing a woman to have a fifty-year dead-end career - it’s about trying to get equal opportunities, and that can only happen in a world where the onus of family is not exclusively on the woman and the onus of work, not exclusively on the man. (And where in fact this woman-man heteronormativity isn’t the only visible path, for that matter.) However, I still agree with your conclusion, that it is best for all to find a life partner in a conducive environment, as soon as practical, because that seems sensible and pleasant for all concerned.</p>

<p>@Vot123 - I think there’s a lot of truth, even feminist truth :slight_smile: in the idea that the “good ones” are not still out there after long periods of time. I think we all know people who were “too picky” in college and didn’t exactly end up with anyone better when they were 20 years older…both men and women. I would take it even further - I think that people should look around their college and pick the “best” options and look to start dating seriously, not look for a theoretical person who doesn’t exist. Sort of like hiring for a job, I guess. But of course, unlike a job, both parties should have equal power in the choice!</p>

<p>@schleppenheimer - WRT are there men looking for marriage, I think absolutely yes. There are still some sexist men who want to mess around and not settle down, but most men actually do value partnership and marriage and children and being “settled” in an adult sort of way. I believe the research backs this up.</p>

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<p>Dumb article written by the same lady who write a similar one a year ago-- shes just hawking her book due out in a month. Blech.</p>

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<p>And I love your post, discoinferno!</p>

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<p>Agree with you, Fret. I capitalized Feminist to reflect the “battle.” Now we’re on to the finer points. Yes, where in fact this woman-man heteronormativity isn’t the only visible path. Yes. I hated Dress for Success.</p>

<p>We needed a generation of women to serve as role models- not just to young women, but to old men, too. Probably more than one generation, before we see how it’s going to work. The dialogue is good.</p>

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<p>Dumb article which exudes cultural norms that are far outside of what I’ve observed in areas where I’ve had family with the notable exception of Mississippi. </p>

<p>Most folks in my social circle of family, friends, and acquaintances don’t start getting married until their thirties at the earliest. Within my extended family, most males start marriages in their mid-40s and women in their mid-late '30s. No issues with biological clocks. </p>

<p>If anything, a few older cousins and dozens of HS classmates illustrated the perils of getting married during or in one’s twenties before one’s ready. </p>

<p>One cousin ended up with a jerky asshat of a first husband before divorcing him and another married and divorced within a year because he was pressured by his parents into marrying too early and wasn’t ready to settle down. Both ended up in wonderful second marriages with children after meeting more compatible SOs and more importantly, being more ready for marriage and it’s required commitments. </p>

<p>Among HS classmates and same aged friends from old neighborhoods, out of a few dozen such college/twenty-something marriages…only two have withstood the test of time because both were unusually mature for their age with one also coming from highly religious family background. All others ended up in divorce with its associated drama and baggage.</p>

<p>There’s also an assumption that most college students would be interested in dating seriously which is dependent on college and campus culture. At my LAC and my friends’ elite colleges, most students were interested in studying, doing ECs/internships, and otherwise prepare themselves for the post-college world. </p>

<p>Dating was very casual on most campuses and at my campus was regarded as “old-fashioned” when I was an undergrad in the mid-late '90s. </p>

<p>Then again, the folks who tended to get married in their late teens/early twenties in my old neighborhood tended to be regarded as either being highly religious, product of “shotgun marriages” due to unplanned pregnancies, and/or from families which don’t prioritize education so dating/marriages during college tended to not be prioritized and sometimes actually discouraged. </p>

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<p>The first part of the statement is a bit sexist in itself. Not all men who don’t desire to settle down are doing it because they’re necessarily sexist. That’s a bit oversimplistic. IMO. </p>

<p>Would you say the same about women who prefer to “not settle down” because they reject marriage altogether and prefer being singlehood or being in other forms of relationships outside of the nuclear family model or because they prefer “messing around”? </p>