You are really sending your kids to people, not a school

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

The helpful @Golfgr8 shares this advice (which I believe she got from a Hotchkiss revisit, but I’m not sure). But it is true: You are not sending your kids to a school; you are sending your kids to people.
And it was a useful thing to consider when we were deciding which school to choose last March.

The past few days have been HARD on DD2. School is doing all the right things, but pandemic quarantine challenges are wearing her down.

She kept asking me for two of her favorite comfort foods. Both are fresh food items (a vegetable and a fruit) and I thought: surely once she can go to the dining hall next week, she will get her fill. Knowing that we (parents) were told not to send perishables to the kids during covid times, I reached out to our AO, who has become a friend over the past 6 months. I asked if DD could somehow make a dining hall request, or would Amazon fresh be allowed for a delivery since it was produce, so not super perishable.

Not a half hour later, I received a text back from the AO. She was at the grocery store and wanted to know exactly what DD2 was craving. About a half hour after that, she texted me a picture of my DD2 smiling through her mask, holding up the groceries.

It didn’t matter that there was totally a more “official” way of her getting her request handled. Our AO made her feel so loved and seen, and within an hour of DD feeling lost and helpless stuck in her dorm, she got a surprise delivery that told her she mattered to them.

@Golfgr8 has said a number of times: when you have a problem and you are 2500 miles away, who are you going to call, and who will pick up, and how will they help?

THIS is exactly why I can even sleep at night. Because of the people who are caring for my DD.

(PS. I know that I won’t always be pleased with every single thing that happens at my kid’s schools. But for this one day, this is exactly the reassurance we needed.)

I would love to hear other stories of the people in your schools going above and beyond. I love a story of joy.

2

Thanks for the shout out @Calliemomofgirls and thanks for sharing your story. So glad to know that your DD got that needed support and the food, too! Finding that one faculty member (or a few) really makes a difference. We had a similar situation last week - thankfully, had wonderful advisor immediately came to the rescue. Many kids - especially first year students - needed something as being in prolonged isolation phase was difficult - an extra phone call, a walk outside, a cup of coffee delivered, etc.

3

What a great story @Calliemomofgirls!

We drop off kiddo tomorrow morning. Drove most of the day today to get to Carpinteria. In a hotel right now. Guess who figured out when we arrived that he left his backpack with his laptop and text books at home? ??

He texted a student in a different grade that he doesn’t know but lives in sort of our area, who has a later drop off day. The family is going to swing by our house, half an hour out of their way, to pick up his stuff. :heart: Good people rock.

I have stories about teachers, too. Just from this summer: Because kiddo was homesick for school, kiddo’s science teacher from 2 years ago texted him his secret popcorn recipe, but in classic science teacher mode left out some specifics so kiddo could have fun figuring it out by trial and error and report back. Totally worked!

When we picked up kiddo’s dorm stuff in June, his advisor met us with homemade brownies and a book she thought he would like.

I wish for you four years of lovely stories of kind people who care deeply about your child. We met people at other schools he applied to that blew us away with their generosity. They are out there on pretty much every campus.

More stories please!

4

Nice job by the AO, but also mom knowing that your DD needed a boost and reaching out for help! This year is very challenging for everyone and kids (particularly new students) will likely need a lot more support than normal so it is great to hear they are receiving it.

5

I’m so glad you are feeling good about the people your dd landed with! This is fantastic.

6

What a nice story! I’m with @417WHB on this – the real tip of the hat goes to mom for having the relationships with both DD and the AO for making this happen.

7

So I go off on a small tangent here –
I have a secret pet peeve, which is the humble narrative where we quietly paint ourselves (or our kids) as the hero of the story, usually on social media. A litmus test to me is when the comments are of the “nice job, mama!” type, then I realize I have somehow made myself the subtle hero.
So: please know I really was not the hero here. Or at least know that I kind of cringe that I have painted myself as the hero.

(Different take: moms ARE heros! Go us!)

8

@Calliemomofgirls i didn’t read it that way. I just thought it was a lovely all around experience and why we all stress fit so so so much on this forum.

9

I didn’t read it that way either :slight_smile:

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@Calliemomofgirls I’m just glad to know that I’m not the only one with that pet peeve.

11

While I don’t disagree that you did a great job, I didn’t read the story as a humble brag, and I don’t think anyone else did either.

Hats off to you and the AO. It is good to be reminded that lots of the people working at a BS are probably not there because it is the best job they can get. It probably isn’t. They are going to be there because they WANT to be working with and helping kids.

It reminds me of a conversation I had with my son when he was a freshman at his LPS. He was struggling with a particular aspect of his sport, and was hesitant to reach out for help. He felt like the coaches were doing so much he shouldn’t be asking for more. I reminded him that the coach he needed help from had a real job. He was only working part-time as a coach, with a stipend that didn’t even amount to minimum wage for his coaching duties. He didn’t have that job for the money. He had it because he loved helping people like my son. I have to think lots of BS teachers are probably similar in that they could make more money or have less 24 hour responsibility but they are at the BS because they genuinely want to be helping those kids, not just teaching them one thing for 50 minutes and then passing them off to the next teacher.

As someone who will be sending his D away and probably only able to see her face to face 1-2 times a year except for breaks, I appreciated the encouraging and uplifting story. Thanks.

12

@Calliemomofgirls , I didn’t read your post that way. I DID read that you had set up the AO to be the hero. And I agree with @dadof4kids – folks who choose to work at a BS welcome and embrace the opportunity to connect with students and make a difference. And they do. So when someone tells them what they can do to succeed on that front, they are thrilled to go for it!

13

@Calliemomofgirls , while it did cross my mind that you are an awesome mom, synched beautifully with your children (a belief gleaned from your thoughtful posts over time), boasting was clearly not the point of your post.

I for one love the positivity, and crave it right now. Post more like this, and don’t give it a second thought re: if people misconstrue your motives. We won’t. We all need things to celebrate right now.

14

2020 could use more of this and less of, you know, everything else that is happening in 2020. I also really need the positive stories right now.

15

You are NOT sending your daughter away; you are allowing her to go, a big distinction here on this board. :slight_smile:

16

Excellent point @ChoatieMom. Words matter.

17

Fair point. Forgive me, I’m new here. :blush:

Definitely that’s true, and definitely a distinction I will probably be explaining to people around here.

I’m just trying to help her figure out where the best place is for her to spend the next 4 years. If it’s here, great. But if it isn’t (and I don’t think it is), then I’m going to do what I can to help her get where she wants and needs to go.

18

No shade meant @dadof4kids. It’s just a bit of a sore point as so many of us have been assailed by people who sniff, “I could never send my child away,” implying that we must not love our kids as much as they love theirs or we are somehow abdicating our parenting responsibilities. The best way to deal with these people is to reframe the situation correctly.

Good luck to your daughter.

19

When my daughter went, 100 years ago, I got more the “oh poor you, it must be so hard to have her go away.” Said in a tone of “you are so stupid to have allowed that, we would never be so stupid.” There are a LOT of clueless people out there. Those particular parents who rubbed me the wrong way the most are now in a school system where their kid will be getting two hours of real teaching PER WEEK. It is hard to keep my mouth shut about how dumb I was to let my kids go to BS.

20

No worries @ChoatieMom I took it in the spirit it was given.

I already get my fair share of shade for “letting” S19 go to an Ivy instead of keeping him in state. There are definitely the “I could never let my kid go so far away” comments, which sometimes feel like a thinly veiled “I love my kid too much to be so far away. I guess you must not.” I could give you 20 different passively snide comments I have received, but I don’t need to. You have probably all heard them already.

I’m sure that is 10x the case for BS, since you are talking about a 14 year old not an 18 year old. It definitely will be around here, where most people I know don’t know a single family who let a kid go to BS.

The benefit I have is that I seem to care less and less what other people think. Not sure if that is age or just me. But on this front, as well as others, I am going to do what I think is best for my kids. And I truly, from the bottom of my heart, sincerely don’t give a hoot whether you think it is a good idea or a dumb one that I let my kid go to school far away.