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<p>Really.</p>
<p>Starting with the name.</p>
<p>Just perfect. :D</p>
<p>Personally, I’d be happy if I thought my kid was on track to major in ANYTHING at this point. I mean, I keep telling myself that I personally did not actually take a single course in my eventual area of study until 1st semester sophomore year, but I just don’t see S catching fire for a subject yet. And that is what I really hoped for.</p>
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<p>Exactly. This is what I want for my S and do not yet see.</p>
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<p>No, not at all in negative sense, it is like for many artistic type or like trademan ship or other fields. Not everyone need to go thru 4 years college.</p>
<p>The point is if a child could have benefited from college but drop out because of lack of parent oversight or due to a laid back attitude of the parent to let the child learn from the mistakes may cost a whole future if either the child never realized or it was too late to recover etc.</p>
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<p>No he didn’t make the decision to do something else. He didn’t forsee it coming and parent didn’t help him realize in time. </p>
<p>There is a difference between getting into college and choose to take a gap year and did so bad in your senior year and not ending up at college. I’m not saying parent should have forced him to go to college if he is not ready.</p>
<p>But the problem could have been avoided by introducing the child to summer volunteer work, apraising him of the fact that too much seniorities can cause him his college plans.</p>
<p>It is scape goating the child by saying I wanted him to learn from his mistakes. What if he has never recovered.</p>
<p>From the OP…</p>
<p>I appreciate everyone’s perspective, and from what I’ve gathered, the comfort zone varies widely among all who posted regarding how much influence they chose (are choosing) to impose (for lack of a better word) upon their children’s academic choices. I do have to say I feel the relationship between who is paying for college and whether or not the parent agrees with the kid’s choice of major is irrelevant. “Billy” wants to be an engineer, but his parents won’t pay unless he does pre med. Where is the logic behind making a child miserable?</p>
<p>Northstarmom, I applaud you for letting your son stumble and then see the results of his inertia. I’m not sure I could have done that-- you are very brave! It would have taken more self control than I have, but I am very encouraged by your story. I am also very impressed by the poster whose son is studying classics. Although the career path is uncertain with that major, I would be thrilled if my S wanted to do the same.</p>
<p>I should share that my S is only a HS sophomore and probably hasn’t a real idea of what music business is all about, but I wanted to get a read from the CC community on whether I should try to steer him in another direction or let him choose on his own. I’ve learned that it’s best to let him decide, and whatever happens, he WILL land on his feet. Thank you all for that.</p>
<p>As for the debate on parenting, I don’t believe parents should let their kid fail completely, because all they learn to do is fail. (And northstarmom’s kid did NOT fail!) Parents also shouldn’t rescue their kid at every opportunity-- how will the child ever learn to solve his own problems? Somewhere in between is a happy medium, but where that line is drawn is understandably different for everyone. </p>
<p>I am just going to have to learn to remain calm, let S make up his own mind, and be there to support him through it all :)</p>
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<p>But if they cannot foresee the “failure of their actions,” or the parents are wrong about the results of the kid’s actions (it happens; some people are afraid to have their kid go off to, say, Yale, thinking it too dangerous), the learning is NOT going to take place. Many people, indeed, I’d say most, learn best through experience.</p>
<p>My son does not bring the same skill set, preconceived notions, talents, experience, or point of view to a problem that I do. If I failed at something (hard to imagine, I know), that does not mean he will fail at it. Because I did something one way does not mean my way is the only or the best way to do it. Because I desired one particular outcome does not mean he will desire the same outcome. Because I want something for him does not mean he wants that for himself.</p>
<p>The best parents IMHO are those who are not afraid to give their children the freedom needed to fail. In business, if everything you try succeeds, you’re not trying enough new things, you’re being too cautious. Put another way by someone who was on the same speaking circuit I was a long time ago, if one doesn’t miss at least one plane a year, one is spending too much time in airports.</p>
<p>So it is in life.</p>
<p>To the OP…since your kiddo is a high school sophomore, I would just see where this naturally takes itself in the next couple of years. I thought your kiddo was MUCH closer to choosing a college major. Since there are about 2 1/2 years until he choose a COLLEGE, I don’t see an issue…yet. High school kids should be given the opportunity to dream and explore. If he really continues to want to pursue music management, he will learn about this field as time goes on and make a good decision in due time. Right now, he’s probably a 16 year old…just trying to find his way.</p>
<p>When my DD was in 10th grade, she had no idea what she wanted to choose as a college major. She declared her major midway through her sophomore year…in COLLEGE…and then it morphed into a double major and then two bachelors degrees.</p>
<p>DS, OTOH…knew what he wanted to do when he was eight years old…and never changed courses.</p>
<p>POIH…I do have a couple of hypothetical questions for you.</p>
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<li><p>What would you do if your DD decided to drop out of MIT after a year or so to pursue something else for a while (anything else)?</p></li>
<li><p>What would you do if your DD flunked out of college?</p></li>
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<p>Would you view these as failures on your part as a PARENT? Would you try to rush to DD’s rescue? Or would you allow her to follow a different track to her future?</p>
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<p>If you think ‘Yale’ is too dangerous then take your child on college tour to Yale and other colleges and let the child experience the outskirts of each college and let them make the decision.</p>
<p>Point is to not enforce the decision but make them aware of the dangers by taking them thru the environment to provide first hand experience of what you percieve as danger.</p>
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<p>Certainly I would percieve this as failure on my part. If I remain a good involved parent, I should see this coming as part of her unable to cope with the stress whether emotional or academic.</p>
<p>There are many reasons for this. If she drop out of MIT after a year than I failed on the aspect of able to figure out her real passion. I failed to guide her to express her desire prior to matriculating to MIT.</p>
<p>If DD flunk out of MIT then I failed to even a greater extent that I was unable to prepare her for the real life. I should be responsible for her failures to some extent.</p>
<p>I certainly take pain to understand her concerns, and provide help where ever it is possible. I don’t force my wishes on her but certainly show her my concerns about things and let her make decisions.</p>
<p>POIH…you really didn’t answer my question. Either that or I wasn’t clear. Would you try to figure out a way to MAKE your child re-enroll in college or would you allow her the opportunity to explore something else.</p>
<p>And WHY would you view this as YOUR failure?</p>
<p>Because his kid is an extension of himself, not a separate person with her own preferences, dreams, desires, and ways of doing things. Ugh.</p>
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<p>How about letting HER “figure out her real passion”? Why on EARTH would YOU try to do this, instead of letting her do it herself??</p>
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<p>If the child is not ready to go to college then I’ll allow her to the oppertunity to explore something else.</p>
<p>I reiterate as a parent I should be able to use my experience to guide my child and forsee any problem. I need to prepare them to see how the mistakes can cause problem in their life. But I’m not suppose to dictate a life style or a college or a major. But I need to be a part of the equation providing the resorces, inforamtion and checks.</p>
<p>A good manager will let the team explore but will have checks in place so that as a leader can forsee any problems before it is too late.</p>
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<p>If the child was not ready for the 4 year college and wanted to do something else then I as parent should be able to figure it out. I should have guided the child to explore that other route and would have helped in excelling in it. </p>
<p>I think parent can provide the guidance, resources and environment for excelling.</p>
<p>So…POIH… are you saying that since your D started college that you would expect her to FINISH college even if SHE didn’t want to do so? That is what it sounds like you are saying. Since <em>you</em> have determined that she should go to college…that is what she absolutely should do…regardless of what SHE wants to do.</p>
<p>When do you feel it’s your job to STOP being her manager?</p>
<p>Sounds like never to me, thumper. </p>
<p>Ugh!</p>
<p>POIH - You will never see how wrong you are, but study after study in American society shows that kids with parents such as you have serious problems throughout life, because of the diversity, openness and complexity of our society. In other cultures (fewer and fewer as the world develops) it was OK for the parents to decide everything because not much changed from generation to generation. But there are so many choices to make in today’s American world (others too, but this is America after all) that kids that come from such controlling households are maladjusted in different ways, sometimes small and sometimes large. I know you don’t even think you are controliing, that you are just being a good parent by trying to make sure life has as few bumps and bruises as possible, but in fact this doesn’t work out well. Trust me, wanting to move across the country so you can stay that involved in your child’s life is textbook controlling. And certainly you shouldn’t be making life course decisions for them at this stage. If you did your job as a parent well, by 18 they are ready to explore the college courses and then decide for themselves.</p>
<p>One problem with your reasoning is that you don’t differentiate between major issues that of course a parent intervenes (kidnapping dangers) and much smaller ones where a child can learn first hand about the consequence of a decision without major consequences. It is very well established that all people learn better from experience than from having other people decide, even if those other people explain the likely consequences.</p>
<p>Another is that you compare being a parent to being a manager. Worst analogy ever. Hard to even know where to start, but the most obvious is that as a manager you know all the people are adults, and so if you see them making a mistake it isn’t a matter of letting them “grow” usually (although a really good manager will recognize when allowing the mistake will create a better employee in the long run), but of running an efficient business. You are not trying to imprint them with life lessons at an impressionable stage as a parent is with their children.</p>
<p>Baelor:</p>
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<p>You are kidding, right? You have to be. The logical conclusion of your statement is that in this dynamic whoever has the money gets control, that there is one right decision if one person is paying and a different right decision if they aren’t. You think that because you decided to have this child, which in and of itself gives you certain obligations, you also have the right to tell that child what to be passionate about and what career to have? You legally have the right to tell that child that you are not paying for college and that if they want to go they have to figure it out for themselves, although in our society that is morally a very shaky proposition. But the other side of that is NOT that if you are paying you get to control their life to that degree. Once you make the decision that you are going to support your child with this stage of their education, you then step out of the way. It does give you the right to voice your opinion, but that is all and you have to be prepared to be OK with it if they don’t take your advice.</p>
<p>Sure, there are circumstances when it is OK to stop paying if they make really terrible life choices, like severe drug addiction, getting arrested and convicted for a felony, whatever. That goes to enabling, potentially. But you don’t get to control their lives. From the other side, would you really feel good about it if they somehow were paying for their own college education and they said “Get lost, I won’t listen to anything you have to say because I am paying”? Or if you get old and have to live with your kid and they are paying for everything, do they get to run your life completely? Of course not. Money shouldn’t dictate what is the right thing to do here. At a certain age we get to make our own decisions no matter who is paying, although we hope we are mature enough to listen to others and be considerate of their opinion. Yeesh.</p>
<p>Just be sure when you have kids that you tell them really early that this is what you think so they can start saving at 10 years old to pay for college themselves, and don’t be surprised when you don’t hear from them.</p>
<p>OP: (trying to keep on topic) If your S is a soph in HS, is he involved in any of the “business” side of theater, music, etc. at his school? Is there a music store in the area where he could work? A radio station? There are some tremendous professional opportunities out there for music management, but they are pretty few and far between. A business degree is a useful tool no matter if he decides to stay in the music end of things or not. We know a budding filmmaker who is fabulous with a camera, but who is also getting a business degree, since after all, he DOES want to make a living from film! DH went to school with someone who majored in music and then went to law school and does intellectual property law related to musical works, contracts, etc.</p>
<p>Guess I’m a failed parent since I didn’t force my kid to attend MIT. He thought about it long and hard, and in the end, he made an excellent, if not always perfect, decision. However, he (and we) agree that the same things would be said in reverse had he attended MIT. </p>
<p>The closest we’ve had to a discussion about “directing” S1’s future is that he wants to be a math professor, and we all know how competitive that market is these days. We have encouraged him to keep his programming skills finely honed so that he can take advantage of interesting (and lucrative) opportunities that might come his way, both while in UG, as well as beyond. He’s run with it from there. He’s a math TA during the year and does programming gigs during the summers. The programming $$ helps him pursue interests that will be helpful when he applies to grad school.</p>
<p>He has found a way to balance his interests and goals, plus earn style points in the process. Works for him, so it works for us.</p>
<p>If we don’t let our kids learn from the small mistakes in life, how will they ever face a serious decision or crisis with any sense of competency and confidence?</p>
<p>Fallenchemist, does getting a tattoo with parental funds constitute a “really terrible life choice”? ;)</p>
<p>CountingDown - ROFLMAO. They will think so in 30 years or so.</p>
<p>baelor, much of what fallenchemist said, though I have a somewhat different slant on this, and it’s that I want my kid to be confident; I don’t want to undermine him. I think picking a kid’s major undermines the kid. That tells the kid that his opinions, hopes, dreams, and passions are not worth considering, don’t have value. Why on earth would a parent want to do that? (I recognize that some parents DO do that, however.)</p>
<p>My child is not me, and is entitled to his own feelings, interests, and yes, major. I am investing in the child, to let him realize his hopes and dreams for college.</p>
<p>But what do I know? I let my kid drop out of high school! :D</p>