<p>okay, the excitement of 3/10/10 is over, the smoke has cleared, the dust has settled and your child is into at least one of the top tier schools and top two choices; then anxiety and panic sets in...is this the right decision? The local ps is almost as good. Does it really make sense to go away. A two hour drive seems like 20. Is anyone adult or child having a meltdown?
How do you deal with a child's meltdown? This is something he really wanted, but now that it's in hand...is it really going to make a difference in sofaras getting into a good college? We are relying on revisit day to help with the decision, but the fear of getting in is almost as great as the fear of not getting in...did anyone else go thru this and how do you deal with all the uncertainty???</p>
<p>I can understand how your kid is anxious about the big change that’s about to happen in his life. And all the questions you are asking here are legitimate. I think it’s a good time to sit down with your kid and review what motivated him to start the process of applying to BS, and if the motivators are still there. Was there a disillusion that was a major driver (e.g. expectation for huge advantage in college admission)? Knowing what you know now, would you still think BS is the way to go? Unless he figures these things out himself, he’d always be wondering what if he stayed back/went to boarding school no matter what decision he makes.</p>
<p>One thing I can tell you as a boarding student parent is that it’ll be tougher on the kid than he stays home. There will be millions of things on his plate and he needs to deal with so much that parents think he “shouldn’t” or does not need to at this age. At the same time, we expect them to develop the sense of responsibility, self-motivation, abilities to multi task, time management skills… and so on. If you ask the parents and students who have been through BS, many would tell you BS did serve them well. </p>
<p>Is BS the best way to develop a successful (definitions vary) individual? Probably not. Is it for every child? Definately not. If the local day school is just as good, and there is no CLEAR reason why you should choose a boarding school, it means that there’s a lot of homework for you to do prior to April 10. Just because you are admitted doesn’t mean you have to go. The bottom line is that it’s a process initiatiated by him. It should be his decision whether or not to go. On the other hand, he is still a 14/15 year old after all. You as parent need to be there to guide, watch and listen, and most importantly “pull the plug” when it’s time.</p>
<p>benley, i have to assume that you are not and have not recently been the parent of an 8-th grader. our town is the most affluent bedroom community for physicians, attorneys, and businessmen in a much nicer than average metropolitan area. our school system is often described as one of the best in the country. </p>
<p>yet, in general, it’s simply not cool to be smart in our schools. if a kid is smart and wants to work reasonably hard academically, he (yes, boys more than girls) is frequently ridiculed or taunted about it. however, in most of the top bs, it really is cool to be smart.</p>
<p>anonymous substance use surveys of 10th grade kids here suggest a usage rate of 50-75%. from what i know about top boarding schools today, it’s a factor of 10 less in bs today.</p>
<p>bottom line - i think it must be a rather rare thing for a public day school to be just as good as a really good private boarding school, even measured against only the two areas i mentioned above. of course, there are many other ways that a public school cannot match the boarding school, high average talent level and diversity of the student body being just two.</p>
<p>the public school situation really has deteriorated markedy in just the past 2 or 3 decades. it makes me worry for the future of our country and our civilization.</p>
<p>I appreciate what you are both contributing. I am going to have my son draft a list of pros and cons as your suggest Benley, because I think it is the only way I think he can move ahead and get out of his quagmire. I am hopeful still that the revisit day, will clinch the deal one way or the other. But as Jaypeeh adds, what is getting him down about staying at the PS in our affluential town is that it isn’t cool to be smart. He feels he has lost so many friends to wanting to be part of the “popular crowd.” Getting a bad grade is cool. Everyone just wants to be part of the in crowd and less of his friends are wanting to do well in school. Not that there’s anything wrong with attending the state college, but he knows he doesn’t want to get on that bus with the rest of them heading for the State College. Also, as a minority, he doesn’t fit in. He’s saying that more and more he is being treated differently. He likes the idea of exploring new friendships as well as challenges, being on his own a little, being with others striving to be their best. At the same time, it’s scary being away from home and so far away. You hit the nail on the head, JP.</p>
<p>While my own son doesn’t get teased for being smart, he feels like he is losing touch with so many of his friends as their goals become more and more distant. He complains that they “have no ambition.” </p>
<p>I would remind your son of the opportunity to find like minded peers…a place where he is “normal.” Another option is to ask the school to put you in touch with a current minority student. </p>
<p>It’s a huge change. </p>
<p>Most important, be sure to let him know that it’s OK to be afraid. It’s perfectly normal and doesn’t reflect on his maturity or intelligence. Sometimes kids need “permission” to feel this way and once they have the go ahead, they can face it objectively.</p>
<p>When my child was in his public school not long ago, he did feel that he was wasting time in classroom but didn’t complain much in particular about not fitting in or having no friends. It might be just him. In general, I think BS is a pretty “radical” idea. If one doesn’t have viable day school options, it may be your best bet for a quality education. If good day schools are available, then both the student and the parents have to be very ambitious to choose a boarding school. It’s a great opportunity and a huge challenge at the same time. Just my 2c.</p>
<p>My children are currently attending a well known independent school that has just about everything a BS has: many many smart kids and AP classes, national merit finalists, clubs and ECs, great college admissions history (one of the best actually), athletic opportunities and solid teaching. It is not about the education therefore. After all, with all that, why leave? My son has it in his heart to explore BS for the experience. The chance to grow and be independent. He has a few acceptances, a few w/l and now we have to decide. Luckily he can stay where he is and flourish too.</p>
<p>I think meltdown is not unusual at this point b/c it’s a huge change. Each family and child is different so it is impossible to generalize what the right answer is. However, different perspectives are helpful, so here’s mine: sons are in generally less ready by grade 9. Time management, independence, maturity, focus, handling pressure, are all factors in whether he is ready for BS, and even if it seems like he is ready, a 14 or 15 year old boy is going to have lapses. We regret sending S at this age, and wish he stayed and attended a good local option, albeit imperfect. Yes, many of his peers at home are not ambitious or focused–but there’s a full range of kids at BS too, don’t kid yourself. Let’s not forget that the nature of boys at that age cannot be ignored even at top BS. IMO, there is just too much independence (and pressure) at a young age, and no matter how much support a school says it offers (and actually does offer), it cannot replace parents, because they are dealing with multitudes of kids and the teachers/advisors/dorm parents really do have a lot on their plate. Our S is doing okay, i.e. not on academic warning, not in any trouble, so no one worries/focuses on him, but he still needs lots of help/advise/focus as a young teen. He’s still surrounded by distractions of every sort. So for all the great offerings of BS–academics, sports, APs, facilities, etc. ask yourself what does your child need this more than he needs guidance and support and grounding for the next 4 years? Just my thoughts . . .</p>
<p>redblue, there are threads on second thoughts/cold feet the last couple of years because it is a natural response. Take it in stride, do revisits, take a step back and a deep breath and let your kid finish out this year without a total obsession on what’s coming next. Our kids give up a lot to go to boarding school, the comforts of home, local friends, etc. (I actually wonder more about the kids who are so excited about boarding school and then get there and get deflated by a great big dose of reality. We see those posts on the boards often, check out Saer for someone who has taken off her rose colored glasses but still seems to be having a good experience.) But one thing in your posts that struck me was that your child is a minority. For me (white mom & kid but multiracial family) one of the great things about getting out of our public school system is the much higher diversity. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see her with her multi-ethnic, multi-racial group of friends. Depending on the school of course, your son should have smart motivated friends of his race and others. For me, that would be huge.</p>
<p>Lemonade, all good ideas. He is looking forward to not being one of a few minorities if not the only minority in his class at present. What about deferring for a year? Is it possible or unlikely? I told son that if he chooses to stay at local school because he doesn’t want to be separated from the family, I would ask for a deferrment, just to keep the option open, because a lot can change in a year.</p>
<p>My daughter’s story is 2 fold, we are from the great state of Illinois, City of Chicago. We are surely not rich, just working class, I am an educator. Our two issues have been 1. Big Fish/Little Pond and love of learning, 2. Safety/time.</p>
<p>My d showed academic strength at the age of 4.5, when beginning school she had a 4 hour-round trip bus ride just to get to the only Kindergarten that was thought to fit her needs. After 3 years we decided to transfer closer to home, but we ended up being the “big fish in the small pond”. We don’t have a problem with the attention but what we both wanted was an environment where “being smart is cool and the norm” and others wanted to learn. She doesnt care about getting all A’s she just doesnt want to be the only one on that level, even if at bs it becomes all B’s.</p>
<p>Our number 2 issue was safety/time. In order for my d to get close to the the type of schooling wants/needs she would need to be on public transportation at least 4 hours per day, how fair is that for a 14 yr old. Now from the parent point of view it is just not safe, not in an urban environment. It is amazing that the admissions person at the only school that did not select my d, said during our interview “dont you wonder how much more your d could do it she didn’t travel 3.0 hours a day now for school”? </p>
<p>I said all that to say, it is very up and down around here. Around others she is all smiles, but at home she seems to just mope-teenage angst??? I’m not sure. But for us this is the chance of a lifetime, and my d knows this.</p>
<p>When I got ready to put my then 4.5 year old d on that big yellow school bus at 6:10 every morning, I remember the advice a teacher said: “it’s not prison, if you give it a try and you don’t like it you do it for a year and then you do something else”.</p>
<p>Though I expect some late night tearful calls, tearful on both ends, I think with time my d will b fine. And if not…i’ll be flying east on a regular basis—lol</p>
<p>The above words were just my 2 “midwest” cent :-)</p>
<p>Come to think of it, I had my own meltdown when I found out she was accepted, even though the school is just 45 min away, and my d. wasn’t sure at all because she had a good school option staying at home. It would be worth asking a school’s policy on deferment. The disadvantage is, one less year at the bs to get adjusted, make friends, take classes. When you have a good option at home, it’s hard to go—but your son did apply for a reason…</p>
<p>Yes, he’s feleing better today. Saying…“no risk, no gain.” I think he’s ready to make a move. I just have to remember that development is not always linear. Sometimes, development occurs thru two steps forward and one step back…</p>
<p>My son has spent the last year at a school that he very much wanted to go to…but it has been a very disappointing experience. Cold feet, or something similar, may have possibly prevented this regrettable decision. My son goes to a small NE prep school…and he may try to stick it out, but would not make that decision again. If your child doesn’t know anyone there, it may be tough. My son is a outgoing, fun loving kid, but there is mean spirited / condesending climate from the seniors and PGs that is tough to break through. BTW: Minorities have a hard time, no matter what people tell you, it is more difficult.</p>
<p>If you’ve got something good at home, stick with it–BS is hard and stressful and for at least half the kids, not help them be better off in terms of getting into college. Like cldwellmom, my S is sticking it out but I’m unconvinced he is better off (and I know I am worse off, financially, not to mention how much we miss him).</p>
<p>@cldwellmom…i beg to differ with your statement</p>
<p>BTW: Minorities have a hard time, no matter what people tell you, it is more difficult. </p>
<p>Depends on the kid. My d is a quiet soul who can be happy alone and tends not to look for peer approval. She is not a sports player thus doesnt have to do the team thing alot, (classical ballet dancer is her hook).</p>
<p>I do think boys have a more difficult time in more situations than girls.</p>
<p>IMHO</p>
<p>I am reading this for the first time after putting my d on a plane and knowing I will not see her for eleven weeks. The separation is hard for everyone, but d did express that she was looking forward to returning to school.</p>
<p>I think most kids have a hard time at BS, as well as at PS, the first year and I would be worried if my child expressed zero concerns about leaving home. I think it is normal to have concerns and you should consider yourself lucky that he is sharing them with you. I would not minimize (without overemphasizing) that it is hard being away from home and he will most likely experience homesickness, that academically it is more rigorous than his current school, he will need to quickly become self-reliant and yes, all kids will not be nice. After the revisits if he decides to continue on the BS path, I would extract an agreement that he will stick it out for a year and not talk about returning home that first year. I would continue to talk about the potential challenges and develop some strategies for dealing with the most common problems, i.e. set time to call home, using Skype, time management skills, creating a monthly budget, dealing with roommates etc. If he attends, I would talk with his adviser at the beginning of the school year and let him/her know that he may be having some doubts. I think having a realistic idea of life at boarding school will help more than some fanciful notion of having a big slumber party at school. I remind my d that nearly every student at her school deals with self-doubt and insecurity, some occasionally, others all the time and everything in between. Your son is not alone in feeling anxiety, what will be unique is how he responds to it. </p>
<p>I don’t think anyone can say categorically that all minority kids have a more difficult time. It depends on the kid and where they are coming from and most importantly attitude. My d has not expressed any concerns that are related to being a minority. She really has not complained about life at boarding school at all, but like most parents I am able to discern the problems and try to provide guidance.</p>
<p>cldwellmom and grinzing, your posts broke my heart. I hope you find the right path for your children. I don’t think “toughing it out” through a second year is always the best option. Every kid is different.</p>
<p>BUT - having said that - There is no “universal” experience for minority kids. It depends on the kid and the specific school.</p>
<p>Some URM kids do tend to have a more difficult time because a significant number of their boarding school peers get their exposure to the culture through the media which can be one-dimensional. Even a few teachers may carry stereotypes based on their prior experience especially with students who enter unprepared for the language, rituals and cultures of a more diverse grouping. Some URM’s tend to cluster together for piece of mind, while others operate in a broader framework and avoid voluntary segregation. </p>
<p>URM’s tend to do better if prepared in advance - exposed to a broader social network. </p>
<p>But - as wonderful as boarding school can be - it won’t fit every kid. The ideal candidates (regardless of race) are those who can be independent, are experimental, and ESPECIALLY prepared on how to deal with and get around that subset of arrogant, prejudiced jerks that is inevitable on every campus. BS is just a more concentrated microcosm of the world they will face when they graduate from college. </p>
<p>A lot of first year students have meltdowns because you can never fully prepare for a full immersion experience and it can be a shock to the system for a few students. I’ve seen more privileged kids meltdown than URM’s. And hazing is not limited to URM’s.</p>
<p>I don’t recommend “sticking it out” if the student is truly miserable. Just hanging on for college won’t help because the student won’t have their head fully in the game. Better to be the best student at PS than a miserable one at BS. I would, however, get the admin involved before making a final decision. Hazing is not tolerated on most campuses - if it is - you have your answer and it’s time to move to a more enlightened campus or come home. </p>
<p>But please let’s not make this about a “minority thing”. Because while minorities do have it hard - I had several non-minority friends who had it equally hard in other ways. It’s relative. </p>
<p>If your kid is one of the ONLY minorities - he’s at the wrong school. Diversity is a huge factor in how we made decisions for our own kid. She can navigate any waters - but some are calmer than others - know what I mean. I suggest helping him keep his grades up - then switch to a different BS.</p>
<p>Good luck. I hope your boys find the right place for them - either at another BS or at home.</p>
<p>Beautifully said ExieMITAlum</p>