I’m sure we are not alone in this, but I think the decision date is making it real for my son. He is currently at a Boston area day school (9th grade)and is deciding between staying enrolled there or going to BS. We have tried to refocus the conversation on the opportunities that await at BS and making sure to acknowledge that it is a big decision and change is hard. After a tough 8th grade year and a slow start to 9th [socially] he says hardest thing would be leaving his friend group…
Any experiences to share as it relates to conversations you have had with kid in making a decision or if you went through a similar decision process, what helped you make your choice? I know this is highly individual, just looking for some support 
thanks.
It sounds like he wants to stay at his day school. Have you told him that you are okay with that choice and 100% support that decision?
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My son was in a different position in that he and all his friends would need to change schools at some point as his school ended after 9th. My son was choosing between staying for 9th at his current school with his friends of 10 years or going to BS for 9th. In the end he chose to look forwards and move to the BS. I am happy to report that he has stayed great friends with everyone at his former school and also has grown to benefit from everything his BS offers - the “best of both worlds” so to speak. Your approach on focusing on what opportunities BS would bring is aligned with our experience. It also may be helpful for him to understand that everyone grows and changes in high school. I know my closest friends changed from 9th to 12th grade - it is a natural part of that phase of growth, finding out who you are as a individual etc. In other words, staying at his current school does not mean “no change”.
Editing to add, my response is based on an assumption that his hesitancy is based on not being comfortable with the change which my son also struggled with in his decision. Obviously, if he has a whole list of things he prefers about his current school, than staying may be the right choice for him.
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Assuming that his day school continues through 12th grade, and that the quality of education there is good, I would not risk moving him. If he is now happy there, doing well academically and socially there, it may be better for him to stay there. Adolescence is such a difficult, socially tenuous time that if he himself is expressing trepidation, and all is good where he currently is, I’d keep him there.
Look at it this way. You get to have him at home for another 3 years. The extra money that boarding school would have cost can be put towards wonderful, enriching summer programs (although if money was no object, he would have had those opportunities any way). And most of the opportunities that boarding school would have provided are available in the Boston area, if not through his day school, then through organizations outside of school.
I think that the major advantage for him of boarding school, if he has been admitted to one of the highly selective elite schools, is the other students whom he would meet there, and the possible leg up in admission to the most selective colleges (although I’m not sure if this year, even that would have helped). In my mind, it’s too much of a risk. If he’s happy where he is, and doing well there, with a nice group of friends, I’d leave him there.
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Thanks for sharing your experience with your son, helpful to hear. So normal to have a doubts about the unknown. He has a few more days to continue to work through the decision process.
I think something about having to make a decision has made it less abstract for him. His step-sister is already at BS and has had an incredible experience but some of variables/dynamics are different for him as it relates to location of BS, size etc (of course they are- different people!)
Not the same… but one of my kids who was pretty unhappy socially (academically seemed fine) really, really, really did not want to go back to the same school after 5th grade. We explored a bunch of options- none felt right- so no change was made. Fast forward to end of 9th grade (different HS and not with the same K-8 kids who had been so miserable) and again- I was worried that although the academics were right, socially it still seemed off to me. Kid insisted that it was all fine so after some thinking (and nagging on my part) we left it alone. 10th grade was the magic year- everything fell into place. Trying out for EC’s, cheerful to be rejected from some, ecstatic to make the team or the play in others. Small but solid group of friends (male and female, supportive, kind, nice kids) who are still tight to this day, a bazillion years later. What seemed to me to be a tenuous year socially really turned into the core group of friends. Were they out every night? No, and we wouldn’t have allowed it anyway. Were they something out of a TV sitcom? No. But they had each other’s backs and planned things for the weekends and saw each other during the summer.
I think I’d go with his instinct that he’s got the social angle figured out where he is. Mine was never a candidate for “most popular kid in the class” (not that any of us in family ever were…) but I was worried that things might get more isolating by 10th and 11th grade. Not so- those quiet 9th grade friendships were the real deal and I’m so happy in retrospect that I didn’t push a transfer somewhere else.
Good luck!
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Thanks for your perspective. It’s not a clear just wants to stay at day school, he’s leaning towards BS but the hesitation is leaving his friend group behind. As parents, we have made clear that we are supportive of either decision each choice has pro/cons
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective, helpful to hear.
The good news is it sounds like there is no “wrong” choice - still difficult to make though - but that experience of making a choice like this is part of the valuable skills learned through the whole process! Many face it for the first time when applying to college and have the same struggles. Best of luck!
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And if one has a kid who is socially isolated in 10th/11th/12th, one is in for a WORLD of misery. Socially isolated kids in middle school and high school are at tremendous risk, and of course their parents suffer with them.
My kid who has been the most socially adept child (which only means middling, in our family), came home from I think their first session of music camp, saying, “I’ll be fine anywhere I go with other musicians. I connect with them easily and quickly.” After that experience, they knew that they’d be fine, socially, as soon as they found the other “aliens” (stolen from Mozart in the Jungle). But before that, they didn’t want to be moved, or stand out or be different in any way from the pack.
Unless this kid has the social confidence to know that he will immediately make connections (which I think may not be the case, since he seems to want boarding school, but also seems to be afraid of leaving his friend group), I think there’s too much at risk.
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I think it’ s important to acknowledge that those feelings are normal and common and that the unknown is always a little scary. Make it clear to him that it’s not a decision with no way back. If he gives it an honest go of it and it doesn’t work out, he can come back.
Also - the world is so small these days… My kids stayed very connected to their old friends. It takes a little effort, but the relationships that matter will stay. More likely he will be the one to move on.
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I think this is a very normal concern, and I would guess that to the extent that a kid can look ahead thoughtfully, weakened friendship ties will come up.
It sounds like you are having good conversations with your son. I’d ask him what appealed to him about BS when he was applying and how he’d feel about missing those things. You may want to explore if he is fearful of the change and if so, if he wouldt feel disappointed in himself for succumbing to that.
My son stayed friendly with kids from his middle school but he ultimately became much closer with his BS friends. I think in this matter, your son’s concerns are rooted in something real.
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Thank you so much for the thoughtful response and your experiences. We had another conversation last night about the choice ahead.
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I agree with TonyG. My daughter has stayed very close to her friends from k-8… social medial and texting/snapchat/facetime etc allows that to such a greater extent than ever before. She chats with her buddies all the time, they go out to eat when she’s home, and her friends have come to see her play sports both on our campus and when her teams travel to schools closer to our home. It is not that your child would be “giving up” current friends, but rather adding to and enlarging their circle of friends! And the friends he will gain at BS - well - they’ll be part of that amazing school community for the rest of their lives.
Not trying to invalidate his concerns at all - this probably feels like a monumental and irreversible change he’s considering. But it doesn’t have to be. Big hugs as you al work through this.
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I have to say friend groups are a big deal. But they can change even if he stays at the same school. My older daughter never found the same type of group she had in middle school in BS. It was a great regret for her (her middle school ended in 8th so it wasn’t a choice to stay or leave).
If he’s at a Boston day school is there a big upside to BS? The Boston private schools are strong and well respected.
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Thanks everyone for giving your point of view. Son is BS bound and very excited, as are we! He took his time making a decision that was right for him.
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There’s no response here that fits with how happy I am for him! And kudos to you for parenting through that decision.
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That’s great news!
Making the choice can be a tough decision process, especially as it switches from theoretical to real.
Which one did your son choose?
Thank you Yes it was a tough choice once it became less abstract after visit day. He is off to Williston in the fall.
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Terrific choice!
My son is a 4 year boarding senior there and has had a great experience. You may even have met him since he’s an admissions intern.
Let me know if you’d like to connect. It’s great to have another wildcat parent on the board.