Cold Feet

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

After initial exuberance with an admission from Exeter, my son, out of the blue, confesses to some hesitation. He has a few concerns and wants to rethink going to Peddie. His main concerns are 1) He that he thinks that his legacy status gave him an unfair advantage and he does not really deserve to be there and 2) He will be at the bottom of the class because he is just not as smart/gifted as the average Exeter student.

I must say, I was impressed by his maturity over the matter - most kids would simply choose to go to the “best” school. He stated that he felt that kids were happier at Peddie and that he would have an easier time distinguishing himself. Some background - there was an informal ranking in our family that always had Exeter as #1, but there was a lot of discussion on the #2 school because of the realistic possibility that Exeter would not be an option. Peddie and Choate were the favorites for the #2 position, but Choate rejected him.

Is this simply cold feet? Throughout the whole process, Exeter has been his dream. He spent the summer there and loved it and during the interviews/visits he was so excited to be there and consider the possibility of matriculating there.

We were so sure that this was where he was going that we only scheduled a visit to New England in a tight travel schedule. A revisit to Peddie would be nearly impossible - we could devote a day to travel to and from New Hampshire.

I think that it is a little dangerous to allow a 13-year old’s cold feet (if it is indeed just cold feet) to determine such an important decision, but I want to be respectful to his opinions and choices. It is his life and Peddie is certainly a fantastic school. How should I approach this new problem. It is with the utmost respect to all other applicants who may have received a different result, when I say that I recognize that this is a good problem to have.

Have any other parents faced with this?

2

So either you or your wife went to Exeter I think. I think if you have been in that kind of a high school environment you should have a sense of how you think it will be for your particular kid there. When I look at my kids I think although they are all probably similar in terms of intelligence there are different environments that I think work best for them at a school. Every smart child will not want to be in a very large and intensely academic high school. For some it might be perfect. Is he coming from an intense academic environment? Does he enjoy that? Does he thrive on pressure or does he do a little better with more support less pressure. None of these are value judgments and admittedly I do not know that much about Peddie I am more familiar with Exeter. Is he right that he got a legacy boost without which he wouldn’t have gotten in? How do his grades and SSAT scores look when compared to the rest of the incoming classes at the two schools? Would he be better off as a big fish in a smaller sea or pushed to excel in the biggest sea there is? I agree about cold feet but the flip side is knowing your kid and him knowing himself. Would be fantastic if you could swing the Peddie revisit day! Wishing you the best of luck, its a high quality problem to have but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

3

OK. I will offer the Peddie revisit with the caveat that we will visit Exeter first and if he still wants to drive 5 hours to see the school again, then we know that it is more than cold feet.

4

Not that you need to announce it here, but what do you think about his points about having an easier time distinguishing himself at Peddie? And does whichever parent went to Exeter think its the right environment for your kid? I was not suggesting you let him totally drive the bus, just suggesting that all the points he brought up are valid and that you should really carefully consider them. Good luck!

5

This is the widely acknowledged “imposter syndrome” and is very common. It is so common that it even has a name. A student will see this great expectation and the impressiveness of the other students and be convinced that there was some mistake in the acceptance decision. Yes, it is common- I am seeing it too.

That is the reason schools provide contacts (students; parents of students) and revisit days. Use those resources to fully explore this question. You are lucky to have it surface now where it can be addressed. Many students will have this issue lurking beneath the surface as a corrosive part of their psyche during all or part of their BS tenure. It is helpful to put it to rest now.

Realize that this is not a rational process that can be rationally addressed. It needs to be talked through empathetically, like you would address monsters under the bed a dozen years ago. Take it seriously and talk it through, but do not try to wrestle it down using reason.

It will be impossible to actually answer, in the end, since the actual environment will affect his outcome- he will rise to the occasion (…or not). It is a tough decision and no clear answer. Good luck!

6

We did not visit Peddie, so I can’t compare the schools directly. Exeter has a very distinctive climate and approach to education.

Facing this question, I would opt to revisit both schools. This is the best use of the opportunity to revisit.

7

We are deciding between Andover and Peddie. I think it is easier to stand out academically at Peddie and overall a less competitive environment. But then Andover is Andover and Peddie is not. We go around and around. Revisiting both @heartburner. FWIW, I almost think it is easier to get into a better college from Peddie (less competition from the students from your own school).

8

Our thinking is that the student does get to drive the bus, even if we have a hand on the wheel (or a foot on the brake, pumped the gas, whatever!) The child has to do the living there, after all, and when you as parent filled out the forms or interviewed, etc., you green-lighted that school as an option. Other families will think differently.

Gosh yes, revisit. Exeter is twice as large. Quenn wrote that it could be brutal for the wrong fit (daughter’s roommate), and particularly so for “young” 14-year-old boys. “Kids were happier at Peddie” as his own observation from first visit could stand further scrutiny.

And now that son is looking at colleges, that better to be in the top third than bottom argument is on my mind. Is it more relevant to the BS choice than the college one? Wouldn’t the older student have more individual growth and resources to cope with the bottom half, and college admissions is a perk of working in the upper third of BS?

9

As I am researching Loomis for my daughter, their headmaster posted this on her blog regarding college decisions. I think it makes sense. Here it is…How to Decide?

Posted 01/30/2015 10:01PM
It’s that time of year again. The time when seniors have to make a choice between college A and college B. To go here, or to go there? Is this the right fit, or is that? About one-third of Loomis students, those who applied early to a school, have already made this choice; they went through the process in the fall. But for the remaining two-thirds of students, the choice is still up in the air. How to decide?

University of North Carolina philosopher L. A. Paul suggests that it is very difficult for us to predict how we will react to life changing decisions. We cannot know how we will experience them, and no amount of rational thinking will help us predict our reaction. Paul calls the transformative experiences of our lives (choosing a college or career or having a child) “phenomenologically transformative” or “epistemically transformative.” New Yorker writer Joshua Rothman describes Paul’s theory as follows:

You can’t know what Vegemite tastes like, for example, until you try Vegemite; you can’t know what having children will be like until you have children. You can guess what these things will be like; you can ask people; you can draw up lists of pros and cons; but, at the end of the day, “without having the experience itself” you “cannot even have an approximate idea as to what it is like to have that experience.” That’s because you won’t just be having the experience; the experience will be changing you. On the other side, you will be a different kind of person. Making such a decision, you will always be uninformed.

The same is surely true of choosing the right college. How can students possibly know which school will be the right choice for them before they have had the experience of being at college?

Most students, initially at least, take a fairly rational approach to the decision. They make lists with the pros and cons of each school, reviewing factors like cost and any financial aid or merit packages, the relative prestige and academic reputation of the school and its curriculum and program, and the size and location of each school and whether it is urban or rural. Students may also have a family connection at a school or be a recruited athlete, artist, or musician. Finally, students look at a school’s career placement track record.

But as Paul points out, rational choice only goes so far. When it comes down to the final decision of which school to attend, it is often the intangibles that come to the fore and make the difference in a student’s decision. Many students talk about the feel of a place; that they liked the sense of the culture that they felt when they visited; that it seemed like a good fit for them; that they liked the people whom they met. Fortunately, our experience suggests that most students do a fairly good job with this critical decision.

And if they do decide that they have made the wrong decision, all is not lost. They can always transfer. Fewer than 10 percent of Loomis students who matriculate at one college transfer to another, compared to a national average of 33 percent. We are blessed in this country with a huge number of very good schools, and that most students will find a fit at more colleges than they might imagine.

Having watched hundreds of students manage this process over the years, including my two sons, my advice is to consult with your college guidance counselor and parents, do your homework about colleges, even make your pros and cons lists, but at the end of the day trust your instincts.

10

I greatly appreciate the advice - I think that the parents forum represents the best of CC. It has helped us think through some difficult decisions. I am hoping I can be of help someday to another parent in the future.

We wrestled with the whole college acceptance advantage paradox when we decided to apply to boarding schools last year - this factors in a small way for Peddie vs. Exeter. I have a strong opinion about the matter (after some earlier soul searching and conversations with my son) - Exeter would be a better fit and a better experience for my son. There is no question in my mind about this. But, I need for him to come around to this same conclusion and to feel like it hasn’t been an undeserved privilege.

There are so many times in my life where I chose the more difficult path with a greater chance for “failure” and never regretted it. But, this is something that he must choose on his own.

11

Heartburner, ask each school about the rate of transfers among graduates. How many of their graduates remain at one college? I have the impression that at the most competitive prep schools, there are a number of students who transfer into Ivies (and Ivy equivalents) during college, having not been admitted directly from high school. The competition for the most elite colleges can be fierce.

If your son’s SSAT scores indicate he would not be likely to end up in the top third of his boarding school, be careful about expecting him to “over-perform.” The academic load can be brutal at some schools; expecting a student to out-perform peers who come in with higher test scores is a difficult burden to place on a child.

Compare the college placement from the top of Peddie’s class to the college placement from the bottom of Exeter’s class. College counseling will have this information, if they use Naviance. Be aware that you may be sacrificing college placement and your son’s happiness for a high school career at Exeter.

12

I want to preface my comments with stating I know very little about Peddie other than what I have read on CC.

First, make sure that your son understands that he didn’t get accepted because of his legacy status. Sure, it might have helped him over some candidates that weren’t legacies but he wasn’t in the same admissions pool with them to begin with so no sense in making that comparison. Schools like Exeter, which have WAY more legacy applicants than they could possibly accept, will accept a certain, fixed percentage of legacy students each year. This group tends to be highly qualified because their families know what it takes to get into Exeter and and the students have been well prepared, academically and non-academically. I would argue that they are probably are, on average, a more qualified pool of applicants than the overall applicant pool. He was chosen from this well prepared group by the AOs because they know he is capable of being successful at Exeter. Many legacy students were not accepted. In my experience, legacy students go on to perform quite well at the top boarding schools (with a few exceptions). And no, my kids were not legacy but I’ve tracked it at my own kids’ school for many years and have seen this to be the case. Sometimes this forum gives a beating to full pay, legacy, and other kids that have an edge in admissions. Don’t forget that these kids are all qualified in their own right.

However, when considering college matriculations, focus on the bottom half of the class at each school and see where these students go. It’s possible that regardless of the school chosen - Peddie or Exeter, you child could be in that group. Success at boarding school doesn’t always have to do with innate ability. It does take some maturity, organization, and sometimes how the stars align, so smart kids do wind up in the bottom half - which is just fine because its a pretty competitive pool.

Also, I would encourage your son to try to look at the schools from where he will be 4 years from now, as hard as that might be. He might feel more comfortable in the smaller pond as a 14 year old freshman yet he might find that smaller pond more stifling as he nears the end of his BS career. Boarding school students typically have more freedom then their day school/public school friends as freshman but usually wind up having much less of that relative freedom by their senior year and I have seen many students start to bristle with those constraints. Which school will stretch him and make him grow the most? There will be ups and downs, but that is ultimately more important to me than class rank or college matriculation.

Agree that it is normal for him to be feeling this way and that revisiting both, if at all possible, is the best way to go. It will help insure that he feels that he owns the final decision, which will be needed over the ups and downs he’ll most likely face over the next 4 years, wherever he goes. Just one parent’s opinion.

Editing to add that I do have a strong preference for boarding students to attend boarding schools with a high boarding percentage, as well as a bias for greater diversity amongst the student body. These are big plusses in my book on Exeter over Peddie.

13

Thanks @Periwinkle. Yes - a difficult decision based on a small amount of information. I don’t have concerns about college placement and actually think that there are more extreme differences of educational quality at the BS/HS level compared to, say, the top 50 colleges.

The main driving force for school selection now is “fit” and quality of education. I just think that Exeter is better on both fronts for my son, but I think that there is a certain amount of intimidation that he senses when imagining himself at Exeter instead of Peddie. He has some self-doubt that is unfounded in my opinion. His overall SSATs are probably more in line with Peddie (except for Math/Science, where I think he is more likely on par with Exeter). I don’t see any reason why he would not succeed at either school.

I am willing to sacrifice college placement for an excellent education and my son’s happiness. But not the other way around.

14

So sorry about posting the block of text…I didn’t know :frowning:

15

@heartburner - I am experiencing something similar post M10. As a parent, now that the possibility of attending a boarding school has turned into a reality with acceptance to a number of schools, the initial exuberance is being replaced with anxiety. We started the process in October with no expectations and the idea that if nothing else, this will be great practice for college. We are still reeling from the fact that she not only was accepted, but has options to choose from. I feel like the stakes are especially high to determine the right fit as DD is entering in 11th grade and there is really no time to recover from a misstep or poor choice before the college admission cycle begins. Argghhh! Fortunately, I don’t think I have transmitted my panic to DD - she initiated the BS search and application process and we will have to trust that she will be able to determine where she belongs once we’ve revisited.

16

My DS is revisiting two schools that are worlds apart structure wise – Lawrenceville and NMH. He has exams at his day school this week so we’ve barely had a chance to discuss but the one thing he said was that he interested in trying something totally new which would be NMH, he feels that Lawrenceville is very similar to the school he currently attends. He has always been a very adventurous kid. I don’t know what type of school your son attends now but perhaps he should think about how big a change he wants to make. Also, FWIW I don’t think Exeter would have accepted him if they did not feel very certain he was qualified. My son’s friend was just rejected from a place similar to Exeter and his dad is a long time trustee, he is fine and was accepted at other schools.

17

I think you absolutely should revisit all the options, it will bring so much peace of mind. Being on campus and being there will give a sense of control. Maybe even doing Peddie first to wrestle off the imposter syndrome and arrive at Exeter feeling excited! By the way, I just posted an article about the burden of excellence. http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/03/the-power-of-good-enough/387388/?utm_source=FB0311_1

18

Thank you for posting. My DH and I are encouraging our son to go for happy.

19

@heartburner I will PM you.

20

I really want to stress the importance of going were the child thinks he will be happiest, academics and prestige be damned. There was a mother about four years ago who was an exeter alum and whose son was likewise accepted. Both her son and daughter ended up attended and thriving at that school in Indiana that I can never think of the name of. It’s psuedo military I think? Just the fact that I can’t place the name kind of proves my point. Both kids thrived but most importantly, were HAPPY at the nonExeter school. To be clear, I am NOT saying that your son won’t be happy at Exeter. But I do think he has a point about standing out, etc. I wouldn’t write it all off as cold feet.