Parents of CC: I'm beginning to feel scared to leave for school.

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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Hi everyone,

This year, I’m going to a new prep school where I will be a boarder. I’m a girl and I will be a repeat sophomore; I am very excited, but looking at the news these past couple of days, suddenly, the idea of going to prep school is making me feel sick and I think that most parents can guess why.

I know that not all teenage boys are like Owen Labrie and I know that the rape case doesn’t represent SPS and is not a whole portrait of what the school offers. (I’m not attending SPS, but I am attending another boarding school of equal “prestige” [prestige is moronic, but hey, it gets the point across])

However, the thing is that this case is not just confined to SPS. This could happen at ANY boarding school or day school or public school, for that matter. I am the same age as the girl who has gone through this horrendous ordeal and I cannot even begin to fathom being in her shoes. I know that these cases are usually HUGE and become headline news when they happen, but that is only when victims of rape step forward and report their cases… which 68% of victims do not do. 44% of victims of sexual assault are under eighteen. These stats are making me incredibly nervous and to be honest, I am feeling scared to the point of tears at the idea of going off to school. The dreamy bubble of boarding school has been popped for me and I don’t know how to approach this. I knew about the drinking and the smoking and the occasional money being stolen out of dorm rooms, but this has blown my mind in the worst way possible. Prep school has been all I wanted since the fourth grade and now that I have it, I am so scared that I don’t know what to do.

This case has reopened a can of worms that needs to invoke discussion: Prep schools are viewed as paradise by many CC’ers and a nirvana where it’s educational bliss and cute boys/girls and “Whoo, dorm life!”, but at the same time, there is clearly a potential for dangerous and horrific situations that we rarely discuss here.

Parents, I’m sure this might seem a bit dark or morbid, but I honestly don’t know who else to ask who wouldn’t be biased (If I asked my parents about rape, I think they might get a bit uncomfortable or deny that it’s even a possibility)

I am a fairly attractive 16 year old girl and I am now scared of being taken advantage of. There. Putting it out there bluntly. This probably sounds moronic and over dramatic to many of you, but I honestly don’t know anyone who would be less biased than random people on the internet who have no clue who I am.

How can I lose these fears/go into school feeling safe? Any precautions to take?

Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance.

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I also want to get out there that I am in NO WAY trying to make this case about me at all or trying to twist a horrific story into something for personal gain or attention. I am genuinely nervous (maybe without good reason, but nervous all the same)

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It is okay to feel nervous you are going through a big transition and your idealized view has changed. To cope, learn what you can do to protect yourself, and follow the school’s rules and safety measures. As a girl, don’t go places alone.

4

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I’m exposed and it’s no big surprise
Don’t you think I know exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me to hold your hand

'Cause I’m just a girl, a little 'ol me
Well don’t let me out of your sight
Oh I’m just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don’t let me have any rights

I’m not sure what to say to not make your worldview worse, but this is something all women have to have concern about wherever they are. I didn’t read about this case but yes there are boys who do try to take advantage of you and dates that could get unbecomingly gropey and it is best to prepare your response in advance because being caught by surprise may cause you to not respond the best way. But I don’t think you need to be overly concerned, more aware. Boarding school is a much safer environment than many places in many aspects. I remember 9/11 and my daughter had just gone off to boarding school and no one yet knew what was going on and I was glad she was there. If this is truly affecting you disproportionally, (like does reading about car accidents make you fear and cry about getting into cars?) then you do need to talk to your parents about it. It is very timely and appropriate to bring up this case and say that it has cause you some concern. You are already naturally experiencing some trepidation of the unknown and likely you are latching onto this as a way to express it, I just hope you are not blowing it up to too much drama.

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Also, after this case, SPS and other schools are going to be very wary about preventing something like this from happening again.

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As a mom this is a huge concern for me…but I’m always concerned about her safety when she’s not in my view. This is something that I’ve been speaking with my girls about since they were old enough to understand. Your concerns are valid BUT don’t let them take over and ruin this time for you. You’re moving in with strangers and you don’t know if there are going to be good kids or not. If I were you, I wouldn’t go in assuming the worst BUT always have your guards up. And when I say this I mean always be aware. Like with anything or anywhere in life…be aware of your surroundings, be aware of your things (like your drinks in a party) and listen to your gut. If your gut is telling you that there is something not right about a boy or girl…keep an eye, or keep your distance,etc. That little voice in your head (intuition) can really help. I tell my daughter don’t ever do things that you don’t want to do just because everyone else is doing it. Who cares what kids think of you…be you! We knew girls (in elementary school) that found themselves in situations with boys that made them feel very uncomfortable. They wanted to be popular didn’t have the nerve to say no. It is always ok to say NO and if someone doesn’t like it…that’s their problem. (Said with my NYC accent

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Not sure why the post cut off what I had tried to post but…I will finish here

This has been something that you’ve wanted for a very long time. I would not let these headlines ruin things for you. I would arrive with a positive attitude, excited to meet knew people and ready for some great times! I would just be you…be safe and be strong!

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We’ve discussed the negatives, too.
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1406178-families-entering-the-bs-world-with-eyes-open-know-the-down-side-p1.html

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@GMTplus7 That was a really fascinating thread to read and I’m really thankful you attached that. Kudos! But it also hasn’t been updated since 2013 which isn’t a long amount of time at all, but on CC, that seems like a millenium given the constant new threads, threads being bumped suddenly, etc. I definitely think that this is a good source though and I’ve bookmarked it to have with me throughout the school year. Thank you again!

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Thank you all so much, I’ve really appreciated your thoughtful remarks on safety while also reminding me that prep schools are usually incredibly safe. Emphasis on usually, but that’s why I’m glad to have been educated via the linked thread and to have parents/students with experience tell me how it really is vs. the portrayal of seediness that has been displayed on the news following the case. I’m grateful to have such intelligent fellow internet-goers on hand. CC rocks for that. :slight_smile: @NYCMomof3 @mrnephew @NorthernMom61 @BrownParent

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@PetitAthlete - The fact that you are aware of these kind of issues, have thought about them and can articulate your view on them, says a lot about who you are and your inner strength and maturity. I think going in “eyes wide open” to high school, boarding school or other, is a huge head start. Stay true to who you, maintain your confidence, listen to your inner voice, don’t follow the pack, don’t obsess about popularity, be kind to all but choose your close friends and confidants wisely, stay in close touch with your family despite the distance, establish some good relationships with adults in your new school community - this is all advice I’d encourage you and any other BS student to follow.

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PetitAthlete, congratulations on your plans to go to boarding school. I have two children, now in college, who loved their time at boarding school.

I have been reading and participating in the conversation on this matter in the Parent Cafe section. One factor many forget is the element of age. At 16, a repeat sophomore, you are much more mature than a freshman in the spring of freshman year.

Most schools do not have a “tradition” of “senior salute.” If anyone tried to begin such a tradition, the schools I know would put every effort into stamping it out, once the adults caught wind of it. (Which includes pulling students aside to discuss the importance of making wise choices, and disciplinary consequences for things like students being found in off-limits areas.) The schools I know become very nervous when younger students and older students want to date–and remember the two students involved in the rape case were not dating.

My kids talk about “parietals.” You can calm your nerves by searching for the word “parietals” on different boarding school newspapers. You will find a lively debate, in which (most of the time) students are vociferously protesting (with good grammar and vocabulary) against the “antiquated” system of parietals, which govern male/female student relations on campus.

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I’m not sure I understand why going to a boarding school makes you feel any less safe than if you were going to a public school. Bad things can (and do) happen anywhere. You can minimize your chances of having something bad happen to you by making smart choices. As I told my about-to-be-9th grade daughter yesterday when we talked about the St. Paul’s case, if you’re a 9th grade girl and the most popular senior boy on campus wants to meet you in an isolated room, you should probably assume that nothing good is going to happen. Please understand that I’m not blaming the victim here, but just advocating trying to avoid putting yourself in situations where you may end up as a victim. You need to listen to that inner voice telling you something’s not a good idea.

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I agree 100 % with soxmom. Boarding school is no less safe than any high school and in many ways is safer. There are adults EVERYWHERE, and they are literally a 24/7 resource. There are a LOT of rules and a consequence for violating those rules can be huge.

That said, obviously use your judgment. The poor girl at St. Pauls made some assumptions (mostly that a popular prefect could be trusted, and that helping to initiate fooling around might imply that she was willing to do anything) that did contribute to what happened. I know that is anti-feminist to say and I 100 % blame the man in this case but she made some decisions out of insecurity or trust that contributed to what happened. Other times people can consume alcohol or other substances to a point where their judgment is clouded. Again, not to blame victims but this makes things more dangerous.

When I was in my 20s I took a self defense class that focused a lot on being assertive not just on physical self defense and it helped my self esteem enormously. I’d recommend something like that when you have time. You are in charge of you.

Have a great time at boarding school. Focus on friends, learning, extracurriculars, and finding great mentors. You will love it.

15

My DD and I had a serious discussion about date rape and senior salutes (which was a new phrase until the SBS case). We agreed that accepting a young man’s invitation to an event was okay as long as she insisted on paying her own ticket. This will set up a more equal social situation.
We also discussed walking alone at night and being alone with a boy as a baaaddd idea in general. Hopefully, all will be fine. You will have a great time at BS. Just be as smart as you would be at college.