1st Year Parents' Support Thread

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>Best Parents Weekend ever! The weather in New England this past weekend could not have been finer. We spent Sunday in Boston watching Choate row in the Head of the Charles Regatta and enjoying all the festivities and fine food and drink with friends and family. I will not soon forget this one as it was as close to perfect as it gets.</p>

<p>Interesting that one of the parent sessions we attended had its agenda changed at the last minute to address an issue that the students had brought to the Dean of Students that previous week: stress brought on by parents (especially junior year). Kids put stress on themselves, too, but it is often compounded by comments parents make that are magnified by kids’ desire to please them which results in a lot of worrisome behavior, like burning the candle at both ends to not much effect. Seems many parents are as anxious about the college process as the kids are and don’t temper their anxieties when speaking to them. Nothing new there, but I thought it was interesting that the kids went to the Dean of Students to ask for an intervention.</p>

<p>One of the very best things I heard was a response during a form session to a parent who was concerned about APs (how many should my child be taking, why doesn’t the English department offer any APs, etc.) Best answer in the world: Choate is considering dropping APs! The rigor of the curriculum stands on its own and is well known to colleges, no need to dilute it by forcing excellent teachers to teach to a test. You can get that at your local school. Choate currently allows all students to take any of the 31 AP tests they wish and will continue to do so, but they can score well on them without suffering through curriculums designed by the College Board to pass an exam. This change isn’t going to happen unilaterally overnight, but that is the direction the school is moving. Finally, someone is brave enough to say the AP emperor isn’t wearing any clothes.</p>

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<p>Music to my ears Choatiemom - I hope Choate’s move away from APs is the start of a trend.</p>

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<p>ChoatieMom: Very cool that the Dean “called an audible” on the topic for the parent session. You don’t have to look too deep on this forum to see parents anxious about admission (to BS). A tough topic though, as the parents who are the worst offenders are also very likely to turn a deaf ear to the Dean’s message.</p>

<p>Regarding APs, I remember some parents on a revisit talking about the lack of APs at a HADES school…COMPLETELY missing the point that essentially, the entire school is an “AP-level” school. But some people think there are boxes to tick off and a magic formula that will get junior into HYP+MS…the only schools worth attending, you know.</p>

<p>Sigh, I’ve fallen off my wagon. ;-P</p>

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<p>Curious to hear more about the specific kinds of pressure the deans were warning against. Was it too much emphasis on big name schools? On studying for the SAT/getting all A’s? Nagging about deadlines? (I confess to bugging my kid a LOT last summer to get his application and essays done!) Sometimes I think the parental pressure might feel worse than the parents mean it to be simply because our contact with our kids is more limited. I find that when we don’t talk all the time, I tend to assemble a list of Most Important Things to talk to my kid about–and junior year, a lot of that is probably going to center on college admissions. </p>

<p>Agree about APs–Exeter just notes which classes prepare students adequately to take an AP exam, and students who want to take them do so. My kid will graduate with a grand total of 2 AP credits, only one of which will potentially do him any good. That said, I still prefer AP over the college classes taught in the high school model favored in my state–at least the AP test provides some sort of external assessment of college-level rigor.</p>

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<p>We did have the opportunity to spend the weekend with our son at Andover and it was a much anticipated event billed as Family Weekend. My first regret is that we left on Sunday early afternoon while many families did not depart until Monday since the classes were cancelled on Monday. Obviously, the best part of the weekend was seeing our son adjusted well to life away from home. We received his mid term grades prior to arriving on campus and he is doing well. We have refrained from any pressure about performance and he willing shares with us when things have not turned out as well as he would have hoped. His history and English courses are pass/fail the first trimester to eliminate pressure while the instructors work to get everyone up to speed on the expectations for the classes. I knew he had the mindset to excel in the BS environment and he is proving himself. He has been selected by the admission department to serve as a overnight host to students who are visiting the campus for shadow visits. Kids who participate in the Prep for Prep program are actively pursued by the admission office to reach under served youth.</p>

<p>The best part of the weekend was the opportunity for us to follow his schedule and sit in on all of his classes for 20 minute periods. It was a lot of walking but we were overwhelmed by the quality of the teachers. Our kids have been in private school their entire academic careers and we have encountered many great teachers along the way. That being said, the quality and skill of the teachers was quite remarkable. It was refreshing to hear the emphasis on development of critical thinking and writing skills and not as much emphasis on “the Grade”.</p>

<p>Regarding the comment in previous post about AP classes, Andover has very few AP designated classes only AB/BC Calculus AP Statistics AP Computer programming. it appears that things have come full circle. From the Andover website:</p>

<p>1955- With the realization that some material being taught at Phillips is repeated when students enter college, Advanced Placement credit begins at Phillips with a chemistry course and a fifth-level French class. The Chemistry class is still designated as AP but the French class no longer.</p>

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<p>All the things you mention, CM, and more. Basically, any type of comment or conversation that kids can perceive as driving them to a standard they may not be able to measure up to adds a lot of stress. The dean emphasized how badly kids want to please us, their parents, and not doing so makes them feel like failures. If there’s one thing BS kids fear, it’s failure whether it be a “B” in a course (horrors!) or not meeting some parental-set expectation. The directive was to evaluate how we interact with our students to make sure the messages we send are ones of love and support, not expectation. We can be concerned about whatever the particular issue is without placing guilt or making our kids feel like they’ve been weighed in the balance and found wanting or that their futures are somehow jeopardized. They know better than we do where the bars are set and whether or not they’ve cleared them. They don’t need to feel they’ve disappointed us, too.</p>

<p>The conversation went all over the place, but I felt it was missing the real point which is where all this stress is coming from in the first place which is the bloodsport that is college admissions these days. Rather than addressing how parents may be adding to the stress their kids are already under from this insane race, I’d rather talk about how we can opt out of the madness altogether, not just ameliorate it. What would the high school experience and the college admissions process look like if there were no college rankings and the words “prestige” and “elite” did not exist? What if, instead, we all understood the reality that there is a comfortable seat for every single one of our kids at a college that will serve them well and that the list of colleges that will serve them well is quite long? What if the only message we parents sent to our kids is to enjoy their high school experience, take risks, play that time-intensive sport they love that they will never be recruited for, take classes that interest and stretch them and be proud of that “B”? Or how about this: Do your best and don’t worry about your GPA? Don’t even look at it!</p>

<p>In that world, I bet our kids would get eight hours of sleep every night and wake up strong and refreshed, ready to take on every challenge with confidence. Crazy talk? I don’t think so. I think if these were the messages more of us would send to our kids, we might just stop this runaway train.</p>

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<p>We also attended our first Parent’s Weekend. Overall it was a terrific event - well run and absolutely outstanding weather. We had as much access to teachers and staff as we could wish for. In fact, we didn’t sign up to talk with one teacher as our daughter had a good grade at the progress report stage. Nonetheless, as that teacher walked by us at the cocktail party, he stopped and introduced himself. He then proceeded to chat about our kid and we had time to tell him a bit of her history. It was nice to have the teachers be so proactive and detailed!</p>

<p>I loved finally being able to connect names and faces as well as see the places I could only visualize. It was a great experience to meet one-on-one with teachers and to witness classroom behavior. In fact, all the teachers seemed to say very similar things about our daughter – namely that she is a great kid, and is very social BUT is too quiet in class. They want to hear from her more. My take, after visiting the classes, is that she is nervous about taking the risk of saying the wrong answer despite having the correct answer ready when she was called on. We counseled her to trust herself, and to realize that even if the answer is wrong it gives the teacher a chance to re-explain things which other kids may also not have fully understood. Because she knows we actually now know what goes on in the classroom, I can give better guidance if needed.</p>

<p>The one downer was something that I had never anticipated.</p>

<p>There was an incredible amount of built-up tension/anxiety in all 3 of us. We have missed her terribly and, despite our attempt not to show it, it was very obvious! It took us about 2 days before we settled into having some fun. Our daughter was nervous about us being on her “turf” and perhaps hearing directly from teachers about how she is actually doing. She was worried we would embarrass her (again normal). We parents were desperate for news and details and I, for one, always seemed to be asking the wrong question at the wrong time! But, then again, that is often the case when communicating with teens. There was some bickering and hurt feelings (mostly mine LOL) – but, thankfully, all was resolved by about Day 2. We ended on a good note and had a terrific last day. We left her missing us (for a change) and looking forward to coming home at Thanksgiving.</p>

<p>I only mention it as the discord and anxiety took me completely by surprise… although, now I look back I should have been more prepared for this sort of thing. The good news is that as we go along, this kind of thing should get better as we learn more about the school and how we can fit in.</p>

<p>Once I got home, I realized I am calmer and need to have less contact to be comfortable. I attribute this to the fact that I have seen her “in situ” and I know it is a great place for her. I understand her daily routine better and can begin to see where we (at home) can fit in. It was absolutely well worth attending. A bonus was the chance to start to make some parent friends and staff contacts. We even managed to have dinner with about 5 sets of parents and kids. Many of them were local or at least much closer than we are so it was nice to start to build a support structure.</p>

<p>Hope my story helps someone - but in any event, it helped me to “vent”! Thanks CC friends.</p>

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<p>PS maybe the best part was when we drove her home after dinner and in the quiet of the car she said 2 things that went a long way to making us feel ok about our choice:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>“I kind of feel sorry for XX (a friend back home). She still hasn’t met that many good friends at her school and I already have a group that I feel I have known my entire life.”</p></li>
<li><p>“Mom, even though I have said a few negative things about the school (namely the quality of the food), I want you to know that I can name 5-6 positive things for each negative thing. I love this school and can’t see ever going anywhere else. Thank you for letting me go here.”</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Good, right?? :-)</p>

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<p>@london203: I will say that our first Parents Weekend was a bit like yours…with some tension/anxiety/stern words (me)/tears (everyone else). It got better last year, and even better this year…daughter seemed 100% comfortable with us being “on her turf”, excited to accompany us to events in which she was not a performer/participant, and not at all anxious for us to talk to teachers/advisors.</p>

<p>Be sure to cultivate those connections with parents you’ve started to make. That’s been a surprisingly rewarding dimension to the BS experience for us.</p>

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<p>SevenDad: good to know! I am glad we are not alone in this… everyone else seemed to be so happy and jolly. I am now supposing they just hid it well. LOL</p>

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<p>I’m sorry but the train just left the station.</p>

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<p>I think I have a crush on Choatiemom…It’s very hard to stay sane in the face of so much insanity. Much of the latest research affirms that stress and lack of sleep are just about the worst possible things for teens. This is why some schools have actually changed to later start times, but I feel like the BSs are a little slow to catch on. I’m very pleased to hear that some schools are questioning the value of APs, letting new students start out pass/fail etc, and being thoughtful about the pressures placed on our kids. </p>

<p>Which brings me to a new topic - are other parents concerned about their children’s lack of sleep? I probably sound like a big softie here (although I don’t feel that I am) but my daughter is only getting 5 hours on average a night, which works fine for me sadly, but isn’t so great for her. She is wired to hit it hard 24/7 and the school is happy to have her do that, but I feel like she needs more time to recharge. She is stressed. I should also add that I ended up in the infirmary in BS due to lack of sleep at one point. I guess it was the only place to get some rest! How many hours of homework are your kids doing? And do you feel like it is a reasonable amount? Have old timers seen any fallout from kids being over programed?</p>

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<p>Choatiemom, I think you have nailed it. A runaway train indeed, if not a train wreck already. </p>

<p>Here’s another anecdote. My daughter is a first year at a Midwest LAC. She loves everything about it. Her friends love everything about it. But she says a noticeable subset of them are really burned out. </p>

<p>This is not judgemental, god knows my daughter was probably skating pretty close to the burn out line herself. Perhaps the only reason she didn’t go over it was that she told me in pretty clear terms what my "role"was going to be, and since I knew that she pushes herself harder than anyone else ever could, it was possible to accept that role. </p>

<p>I also think that it is very helpful to focus on progress rather than level. You can’t always beat the other guy, but you can always do better today than you did yesterday.</p>

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<p>Parents Weekend was GORGEOUS, but we were concerned by how haggard GMTson1 looked. Junior year coursework has increased substantially and he’s taking 4 Honors (much higher level than AP) which require heavy reading and essay writing. He sleeps about 5 hours a night. </p>

<p>After Parents Weekend, we toured different campuses w GMTson2 who is in this admissions cycle. We looked at a wide range of schools this time-- something we did not have the wisdom to do last time around. We were pleasantly surprised by some of the lesser-known schools and were scatching our heads in puzzlement why some of the better known were so popular. </p>

<p>Knowing what we know now, we would have steered GMTson1 to less of a pressure-cooker. He is on track to graduate at the top of his class, but at what cost?</p>

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<p>"We were pleasantly surprised by some of the lesser-known schools and were scatching our heads in puzzlement why some of the better known were so popular. "</p>

<p>This. This is what I’ve been struggling to understand for about 3 years now.</p>

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<p>Well…because they’re better known is the obvious answer.</p>

<p>Choatie Mom: Love your post. And yet…really, all of this is what Neato would call a First World Problem. I spend my days remediating students who either had no experience writing anything that was ever graded in any kind of serious way in high school or have few or no expectations from their parents regarding their success. Having taught on both sides of that fence, it’s WAY better to have overinvolved parents putting too much pressure on their kids than it is to have parents who think family deer camp is more important than a week of college classes. The burnout experienced by an overpressured kid is regrettable for sure, though perhaps not unavoidable; people who throw their hearts into things often have periods of burn out, but they generally recover and move on to new passions. But the difficulty my students have finding intrinsic motivation to succeed at college-level work when no one from the outside understands, believes in, or supports their efforts is a much more serious issue.</p>

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<p>@chemmchimney: awww… :$</p>

<p>@classicalmama: Yep, I do understand that no motivation at all is a serious issue and that you are working with an entirely different population than our privileged BS kids. Thankfully, at least they have you in their lives.</p>

<p>Of course, the First World train wreck I’m referring to is on the rarefied line that our super-motivated kids are riding. Too many kids and parents in the BS population seem to lose sight of the fact that they are already traveling the premier rail; our kids will all arrive safely at their destinations whether they ride first class or coach. There is no magic in those first few cars. In fact, on the train they are on, there is very little difference between first class and coach, so they should all relax and enjoy the scenery.</p>

<p>(Done with the train analogy.)</p>

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<p>@chemmchimney: Lack of sleep is a prevailing problem and seems to get worse, not better, as the academics step up each year as GMT has pointed out. Suggesting to kids that they might benefit from a bit more sleep will be viewed very dimly. There isn’t a thing you can do, so you have to let this one go and just let your kid enjoy his coma over breaks.</p>

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That’s why we asked DS’s teachers to say something to him directly about looking tired and needing to get sleep, as teenagers think their own parents haven’t got a clue about anything.</p>

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<p>GMTplus7, yes, sometimes adults other than their parents have a better shot – but on the sleep thing, not always. As a BS dorm parent currently wrestling with a group of ninth-grade girls who’d rather be zombies the next day than turn their lights out when they’re supposed to and sleep, I’d say this one may just be a losing battle for us all. For some it’s academics, but for the younger ones, it’s just that socialization is so. darn. compelling, especially when they’re new to the environment and it seems like one non-stop sleepover party. This is why I tell people that many – probably most – kids aren’t ready to live away from home at 14.</p>