First Year Reflections....

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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<p>I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately now that our youngest child has started his final year at BS. All three of my kids began their BS careers at the tender age of twelve. All three had bumpy starts but their bruises (like all bruises) were different and uniquely their own. With every new beginning there was always a new set of challenges and, as many of you already know, distance magnified everything. </p>

<p>There's a lot of First Year wisdom/advice woven into BS Parent threads, but I thought one thread devoted to the first year (JBS or SS) might be nice for new parents. </p>

<p>And, if new parents want to share First Month Reflections, please do- because I'm pretty sure the first month has already felt like a year!</p>

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<p>Well… I certainly learned a lot the first year. Like many other parents, I was anxious when I didn’t hear from my kid for a few days/ or a week/or whatever. So I overreacted and checked in with her advisor. And when my kid didn’t tell me that she was doing well in her classes, I assumed that she was struggling. I was SO wrong. She was doing really well, but as she says “It’s just expected that we work really hard and get good grades here. We don’t obsess about it and call home every time we get a good grade. Or a bad grade.” And she was simply too busy to check in as often as I would have liked. (We compromised – now I get lots of very short texts at bedtime.)
It’s mind-boggling to see their daily schedules and realize just how busy these kids consistently are. She also told me this summer that my checking up on her and frequently asking her how classes were going actually caused her quite a bit of stress. So I learned to back off, to only ask about classes/grades on an occasional basis, and to focus on other things in our conversations. I feel like I didn’t give her enough credit when she began last year. I had confidence in her, but clearly, not enough. I am so proud of how she has matured and how well she navigated some tricky situations in her first year-- including a difficult/challenging roommate situation. I’ve also learned to have more confidence in her advisor and her teachers. These people really are very very good at what they do! Trust in them and their judgement.<br>
Those hysterical phone calls you might receive telling you that they have just had the worst day ever, or that they have no friends, or that some other catastrophic event has occurred – and leave you feeling distraught and helpless: Just hang on and keep breathing. Dollars to doughnuts, when you call back 24 hours later to check in on the situation, your kid will have recovered nicely and moved merrily along… and will probably say “What are you talking about?” leaving you wondering ‘What the heck WAS that??’.
All I can say is, I was SO relaxed last month when I dropped her off. What a difference a year makes. Hang in there, freshman parents! It will all be fine. </p>

3

<p>Boy, freshman year seems like a long time ago now, so I had to think a bit about what to share. Cameo’s comment about today’s tragedy disappearing tomorrow is spot on, though.</p>

<p>ChoatieKid ended up in the infirmary for five days with a bad case of strep freshman year and missed a couple of his end-of-term finals (prior to spring break). I was quite distraught that he was sick enough to need round-the-clock care, and I couldn’t be there, but I learned that he was in the best hands with the campus medical staff, and his dean and advisor handled all communications with his teachers, including rescheduling his missed exams for after break. I didn’t have to do anything! I felt helpless on the one hand, yet relieved to see how the “machine” worked on the other. So, when CK had his appendix out over College Info Weekend last year (see a pattern here?), I was able to take it all in stride (ha!). Again, cameo is spot on with her observation that “these people are really very very good at what they do.” They’ve been in this business a long time and have seen it all, nothing fazes them.</p>

<p>Anyway, I thought I’d share those health bumps to let new parents know that your kids will be well taken care of no matter what emergencies crop up, academically or medically. They WILL be fine.</p>

4

<p>Thank you ChoatieMom. My daughter just started 3rd form at Choate and it’s a relief to know that the staff is very good at what they do. I have the expectation that they would be, but it’s nice to hear it from a parent with experience at the school.</p>

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<p>Some first month/first year calls home were truly heartbreaking and full of despair but what @cameo43 described is classic! Sometimes, it’s really hard to tell over the phone if your child is just venting or has an actual problem. I got better at it as time went on, but it wasn’t easy- especially in the beginning with our first child. After I caught on, every time the phone rang, I’d think to myself: OK - this better be good! ( I know- a little like Joan Crawford- right?) </p>

<p>Once I received a distress call from one kid early in the year that left me somewhat alarmed. I waited one hour ( is that a record?) and decided to call his advisor. The advisor politely and patiently listened to me go on and on but I could tell midway through the conversation that he knew something I didn’t. When I was finally finished, he gently told me (with a great deal of compassion ) that he was standing at the window watching my son having a blast with his friends. In fact, he was in a dog pile (on the bottom) laughing his head off.</p>

<p>Oh, really… I just hung up with Sylvia Plath. </p>

<p>So, yeah- telling the difference between venting and an actual problem over the phone is a big one! It’s tricky!! Most of the time kids just want their parents to listen and offer unconditional love and support. As a reformed “fixer of all things” sometimes that was a lot easier said than done…</p>

<p>Exhibit A: K2’s 5th year away at BS (Junior Year): It never ends even for veteran boarders ( and their moms/ dads :slight_smile: : <a href=“When Parents Get Overly Involved.... - Prep School Parents - College Confidential Forums”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1604472-when-parents-get-overly-involved-p1.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Good times. My hands still hurt from sitting on them. My pride still hurts from all the M&M’s I consumed, too. </p>

<p>For me- the best part of this experience has been watching my kids get better and better at managing their own affairs. When there is an actual problem, it’s always a proud moment ( for them and for us) when they’re able to solve it on their own (with or without the help of his/her advisor). It takes time… but when you see your child start to become more confident and independent- it’s truly the best feeling in the world. </p>

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<p>

[quote]
Oh, really… I just hung up with Sylvia Plath./quote]
LOL</p>

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<p>You’d think that with one kid in her 4th year of BS that I’d know what to expect/how to act when my other daughter started at another boarding school this Fall. Nope!</p>

<p>I definitely/texted/FB-mailed/called/worried too much the first two weeks. IMO, SAS’s guideline of “please wait 2 weeks before calling/worrying” is a smart one…and one that I didn’t follow with 7D2.</p>

<p>As mentioned by others, the growth that I was able to see in my older daughter after just one year at BS helped soothe the pain for an emptier house/bank account.</p>

<p>Since it’s top of mind for me right now, I want to comment on the PARENT adjustment needed, especially for first-time empty nesters. The first week sans kids, we went out to dinner a few times, saw a movie — in a theater! — and really enjoyed not having to do the daily drive to school (at least 1.5 hour round trip for me in the AM and my wife in the PM).</p>

<p>But that’s not sustainable (at least for us!) and you have to figure out a new routine. I suggest taking up that hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Or tackling some large DIY project that’s been on your list for too long a time.</p>

<p>My final piece of advice is NOT to freak out should their first report card contain grades lower than you were used to seeing in middle school/their old school. This happens even to strong students, and the ship usually rights itself in one or two quarters. Try to let your kid and his/her advisors/teachers work through things with a minimum of parental involvement (unless/until it is truly required).</p>

<p>Oh, here’s the final final piece of advice for now…ask your child’s advisor/academic dean or the college counseling office which, if any, of the SAT subject tests your child might want to sign up for even frosh year. The test are best taken with the subject fresh in their minds…7D1 took Bio subject test at the end of her first year at SAS and did fine. I bring this this up because I was speaking with another parent over the weekend who feels his daughter’s school did not do a good job of advising on what tests should be taken when and so his daughter ended up having to cram 3 subject tests into one day as some colleges require that many.</p>

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<p>I agree about PARENT adjustment. The whole first year is tough. And I went to boarding school and was equally excited for our daughter to go. What I was NOT prepared for is the “not being needed” part. I found it very hard to be left out. My daughter jumped right in and had no homesickness/adjustment issues. I, on the other hand, sat around a lot “stalking” the web site hoping for a glimpse or mention of her. :smiley: </p>

<p>I confess, even in our second year, I am still not sure where and when I should wade in on things… I try hard not to be “that parent” so I sometimes err on the side of not contacting anyone. That may or may not be the right approach, but I want to create a situation where:</p>

<ol>
<li>my kid has a chance to figure things out on her own and occasionally fail. I realize some parents will not agree with me on that, but I truly believe that failure is character building. </li>
<li>the school springs into action when I ask for help. If I call or email over every little thing, the likelihood of that happening is less. So I try to let things go.</li>
</ol>

<p>Seriously, there were a few points in the year when the grades were released and they were not great… and it seemed as if no one but me cared. Obviously that is not true. It’s just that the school is used to young teenagers in their first year being away from home, and of all the details/changes/rollercoasters that this entails. In fact, that tumult that many experience in one way or another usually also comes with immense personal growth.</p>

<p>Ultimately, I learned to be OK with things. In fact, this year I seem to be having better and more frequent contact with my daughter. I believe this is because we have both been through that first year and the anxieties of the “unknown” are diminished. I have also realized that, no matter how much we parents want our kids to succeed and to have straight A’s, that is truly up to the kids at this point. It doesn’t help the relationship to freak out over grades. No matter how disappointed (or proud) we might be in a course grade, or a way the kids handle a social situation, it is what the kids themselves think that matters now. </p>

<p>In fact, this year at drop off, I told my daughter to stop trying to make her father and me proud and work on making HERSELF proud. I am not sure she truly understood (or believed me! LOL) but I meant it. We chose boarding school primarily for the personal growth that comes with going away to school. I realized that my anxieties last year may have interfered with that. </p>

<p>I can say that by relaxing and trusting your child and the school to “do what they do best”, the entire process is better. I realize that any first-year parents reading this might not be convinced, and that there are many families in BS for whom top grades and colleges are the primary goal. My advice is still the same: relax, stay in the loop, wade in when necessary (truly necessary) and trust the system… show your kids you trust them. They are away from home and need you to be supportive and a trusted sounding board. </p>

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<p>Regarding “phone”…</p>

<p>In our school, only Verizon has a service.
I’m happily with another company phone plan, $30/mo with unlimited text and data + limited voice so I do not want to switch to Verizon for bundle.
Does Anyone have experience with Verizon MVNO such as PagePlus in NE?
I am interested in cutting Verizon phone bill by half.
Suggestion to use Wifi device (IPod, tablet, etc, on school Wifi) and having a separate prepaid cheap phone failed. Oh well, smatrphone it is.</p>

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<p>PhotographerMom, Did your twelve year old children enter BS as freshmen? </p>

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<p>@granny2 They went to JBS (7th-9th). </p>

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<p>When do BS kids sign up for next year’s classes?
At our local public school, they do it in February.
Just curious while filling time to travel in 2 weeks to Parents Weekend. </p>

<p>Also booked all fights for the kiddo for Thanksgiving, Winter break, February long weekend, Spring break and May End of school home. I Will soon see how flying solo as minor works out. </p>

<p>Wait, I do have a current applicant kid to think about too. ;( </p>

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<p>After fall teacher conference, is there another opportunity for teacher conference in Spring?
I don’t see any in school calendar. If desired, when would be best time to visit and do teacher conference in Spring?
Is end of school move out day bad? </p>

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<p>@payn4ward: I can only speak to Choate, but next year’s classes are selected during spring term but can be fiddled with over the summer if necessary. Face-to-face PT conferences are only formally scheduled during PW, but if you’re local or within driving distance, you could probably arrange another time during the year or you could e-mail a teacher to set up a call if necessary. We’ve only talked to teachers face-to-face over PW. Any academic issues have been handled between our son and his teachers directly or with advisor help. We have been kept in the loop a couple of times, but no direct contact with teachers other than PW.</p>

<p>We’ve never done move-out day. We live on the other side of the country, so CK has had to handle that himself. From what I hear, we’ve been spared an ordeal.</p>

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<p>Thank you, CM for suggestions. </p>

<p>I was wondering if trying teacher conference on move out day would be a bad idea. </p>

<p>I do live across the country. Thus, all those air tickets for the breaks.
I’m wondering if it makes sense for me to fly out again in Spring.
Local public school does another conference in spring after all. </p>

<p>I was planning to fly out to help pack up on move out day but am starting to think otherwise.
(It does feel I’m trying to do too much??? I’m sure I’d want to buy another house near school if I could. Only this board is helping me keep my sanity in check.)
For the cost of my airfare, I can have several large boxes shipped. Maybe 10 boxes. The whole room. I will ask the kid to do doubleboxing,etc.
I suppose kids would be able to pack their stuff into boxes. (although they may not be able to tie shoes.) How bad can it be? I’ll put on mask and protective gear when opening the boxes.
I saw UPS has luggage shipping too. </p>

<p>Any insights? And experiences with stuff sent home at the end of school? </p>

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<p>Our kiddo does not bring anything home that doesn’t fit in one checked suitcase, his backpack, and his roller bag. He ships and stores everything else with a company called All Campus Storage (or something like that) started by a former Choate student. All the kids have to do is go to the company website a week or two before school ends (they get e-mails and flyers to remind them) and order the number and size of boxes for shipping or storing. The charge is per box based on size and it’s very reasonable. A few days before move-out, the company delivers the boxes, packing material, tape, and labels (with bar codes) to the dorm. The kids pack everything up, label the boxes, and leave them in their rooms. All Campus comes back, scans and picks up the boxes, and either stores or ships them as they’ve been directed. The stored boxes magically re-appear in your kid’s room (even if it’s a different one) when school starts in the fall. After senior year, they will deliver the boxes to your kid’s college the following fall if you want them to. Easy peasy.</p>

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<p>Just curious, @paynforward, what would be the purpose of trying to meet the teachers at the end of the school year? I’m not saying you can’t do it, but I’m thinking you might be the only one, and some teachers leave when the students do for vacations or other jobs (if they are leaving after that year) and so on. If you feel you need a wrap up with your child’s teachers, I’d suggest contacting them well before the end of the school year to set up a time to discuss whatever’s on your mind. They are very busy themselves during finals week and move-out with grading exams, writing term reports, maybe getting ready to leave campus, etc. I don’t think that’s a good time to try to get their attention, but maybe someone else who has done this can weigh in.</p>

<p>I think you might want to wait until you get your child’s first set of term reports to see how thorough they are and how well they know your student. Honestly, except for one term where there was an outstanding issue, I haven’t been able think of anything specific to say to CK’s teachers other than to enjoy a lovely conversation once a year at Parents Weekend. They leave nothing unsaid in the term reports and anything that might cause concern is handled between the student and teacher. I know Choate encourages parents to talk to the advisor about anything first. The advisor is the liaison between you, your, child, and the faculty and can probably answer anything about your student that any of your student’s teachers can. In fact, in the one instance where there was an academic issue in CK’s sophomore year, the advisor called US and reported how he and our son were working through the issue with the teacher. By the time the advisor placed that call, the action plan was already working. It was just a heads up for us, and we never considered talking to the teacher as it just wasn’t necessary. Maybe that’s just us, though.</p>

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<p>First month reflections…
We left the school feeling very much reassured. Every adult we met or heard speak was sane. How often does that happen? :slight_smile:
I called the admissions office the second week of September to make an appointment for my daughter (yes, she wants to try again) and the receptionist (whose granddaughter is in my son’s class) told me that my son had tried the gym for the first time that morning, that an older student had shown him what to do, and that she had seen my son at lunch, leaning across someone to talk to a friend. I remembered that when we interviewed there, she had told us that everyone who works there knows all the kids and looks out for them. She certainly proved that to me. More reassurance.
I have tried not to contact my son too often. It’s not that hard for me; I don’t like to talk on the phone and I was never in the habit of texting a lot. He’s not exactly a communicator either. I got one full paragraph text about how hard his math class is and another (today) about the kind of sweater he wants me to get him. Otherwise, it’s not much more than “K.” I consider this a good sign. I miss him like heck.</p>

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<p>Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh @twinsmama that post is perfect. How’s D doing?</p>

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<p>@stargirl3, she is doing very well, thanks for asking!</p>