20 min essay.. plz rate

Test Preparation
1

<p>Here is a 20 min essay... (I actually went over 5 min). Tell me what you think... I had a problem w/orginzation cos I got nervous... I was running out of time. Anyone who could give advice on how to structure and approach essays, it would be appreciated.... So here is the essay and topic....</p>

<p>“‘Failure often teaches more than success can.’ For me, an experience that proves this quote true happened when___.”
Your Assignment: Write an essay that completes the statement above. Explain the reasons behind your choice:</p>

<p>An experience that has taught me that failure often teaches more than success was when I played my Computer Science teacher in the ancient Asian game of “go.” I had thought I was winning, but he easily defeated me. This was happening to me in many other games. I approached him to ask why I was loosing so frequently. He told me an Asian proverb about getting your first 100 losses before you win.</p>

<p>In the game of “go,” as in most games, there is always someone better than you. It is unrealistic to think you learn more when you win rather than loose. As a matter-of-fact, I realized after loosing more games I got better. Usually I would play against someone better than me. They would be able to teach me what mistakes I made in the game. After using my newfound knowledge I would be able to beat someone after 20 losses. This convinced me loosing is not so bad. Conversely, the person who lost against me would have a chance to improve. </p>

<p>If someone is a frequent winner, they will lose eventually. Loosing is a given. Once a big winner looses for the first time he’ll be able to learn what mistakes he made and apply them next time. Ironically, loosing is more power than winning and is a better learning tool. So next time you loose a game, don’t get mad—just learn from your mistakes because they are your best friends.</p>

2

<p>Your closing paragraph contains your thesis, i.e. it should be your opening paragraph. This happens frequently when writing drafts, unfortunately, in the SAT II test, you don't have the opportunity to make a second draft; make a more detailed map of what you're going to write first, that should help.</p>

<p>8 or 9.</p>

3

<p>can someone else rate this!!!!!</p>

4

<p>in the first paragraph, when u state the proverb... maybe u should actually put the precise proverb in quotes.
As a matter-of-fact, I realized after loosing more games I got better. WORD IT DIFFERENTLY, IT MAKES SENSE, BUT IT COULD BE BETTER</p>

<p>So next time you loose a game, don’t get mad—just learn from your mistakes because they are your best friends.
.... friends??? where the hell did friends come from. it sounds weird because u never talk about friendship earlier on, and u suddenly put it in the conclusion</p>

5

<p>The structure is awkward. You begin with your own anecdote and end directing the reader with an instructive message; end with what you learned. Also, find more examples - get more paragraphs.</p>

6

<p>this essay is much better than mine that i wrote on dec test. i got a 10, so you should get at least a 11</p>

7

<p>I don't mean to be insulting...but it probably would be a better essay if you didn't mis-spell "losing"(LOOSING) 4...sorry, make that 5 times. What jumps out is that you are using "loosing", "loose", "lose" "looses", "losses", "losses", "lost" a lot.</p>

8

<p>The poster above me speaks the truth. Sorry to say, but your constant misspelling of "losing" as "loosing" made a bigger impression than did the thesis of your essay.</p>

9

<p>I would rather receive constructive criticism than inflammatory remarks... You could have actually supplied me with what I requested: "advice on how to structure and approach essays."</p>

10

<p>if you're gonna get defensive when people try to offer help, no one is going to want to critique your essay. its pretty good considering you only had 20 minutes, but there are still some mistakes. you have a couple of tense problems, are you a native speaker? when you said "i thought I was winning, but he easily defeated me," would be better put as "I thought I had won, but he defeated me,". these errors sometimes make it tedious to navigate through your essay. i also agree that your last paragraph does a better job than your intro for introducing your essay. all in all, its okay, and it does the job that its supposed to.</p>

11

<p>"Anyone who could give advice on how to structure and approach essays, it would be appreciated...."
"I would rather receive constructive criticism than inflammatory remarks... "
OK..HERE IS MY CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM....
1. Remember form and function...
2. Read the guidelines and adhere to them... “‘Failure often teaches more than success can.’ For me, an experience that proves this quote true happened when___.”
Your Assignment: Write an essay that completes the statement above. Re-read your opening sentence and explain how you completed the statement...
3. Observe correct spelling and punctuation. (see earlier comments) It doesn't help when you don't capitalize the Chinese game...GO
4. Last sentence of essay starts with "So".... and is quasi run-on. Punctuation issues for sure.
SO DRE....NEXT TIME YOU MAKE MISTAKES ON YOUR ESSAY, DON'T GET MAD--JUST LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES BECAUSE THEY ARE YOUR BEST FRIENDS.</p>

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<p>My point was that i am sure there is more to my essay than spelling "losing" incorrectly. I mean jeez....</p>

13

<p>Yeah, but what I was trying to point out above is that you really should pay more attention to details like spelling. As I said, when I finished reading that essay, your spelling errors really stuck out to me. If I was a grader they surely would have negatively influenced the score I gave you.</p>

14

<p>ok, i'll watch out for spelling next time. i think possibly it was because i was typing really fast and spell check wouldn't neccessarily count it as an error.</p>

15

<p>I had thought I was winning, but he easily defeated me. This was happening to me in many other games. - better worded as "I thought I had won, but he defeated me" as flimxoxo suggested and I think - "This happened to me in many other games" sounds better</p>

<p>He told me an Asian proverb about getting your first 100 losses before you win.
- as someone suggested, the actual proverb is better than the summary - if you dont' remember it, make one up that sounds good </p>

<p>Usually I would play against someone better than me. They would be able to teach me what mistakes I made in the game. After using my newfound knowledge I would be able to beat someone after 20 losses. - "By playing a skillful opponent, I learned of my blunders in the game and ways to make sure I would not make the same mistake twice. Slowly but surely, I started winning games by correcting mistakes." - the would's and could's sound awkward, in my opinion</p>

<p>If someone is a frequent winner, they will lose eventually. - "they" doesn't match up with "someone" in number - use he/she</p>

<p>Ironically, loosing is more power than winning and is a better learning tool. - "Ironically, losing is a more effective learning tool than winning" - if you want to use the word power, it should be used as an adjective - powerful</p>

<p>So next time you loose a game, don’t get mad—just learn from your mistakes because they are your best friends. - this is your thesis statement, it should be the last sentence of your introduction - in my opinion, best friend sounds strange, but that's just a personal preference - you also don't need the "so" in the beginning </p>

<p>I think the thesis statement would be better worded as something like... (after writing the proverb) "This proverb insinuates what I have learned through the game of "go," that failure can teach more than success." - actually I think that's somewhat grammatically incorrect....????? </p>

<p>more paragraphs would help - I know that doesn't help much</p>

<p>now can someone please correct my corrections? I know I'm not a great writer.</p>

16

<p>btw the scores you give are out of 10?
i thought they were supposed to be out of 6</p>

17

<p>scores are out of 12... BTW, thanks for the critique</p>

18

<p>Out of 12 this would probably earn a 5-6. It's just, really bad, and I'm not joking either.</p>

19

<p>I'd say this is a 7 out of 12. These types of essay questions can throw people off. For one thing, your example is lacking. Try making it more specific; what about a time when you did badly on a test? You learned from it by reviewing the material more throughly and going over what questions you got wrong; thereby increasing your knowledge of the subject. These are the type of things that essay graders will love and adore. Also, drop in a few specific specifics: what area of a subject was the test on? What was the day of the test? What was the teacher's name? Also, seperate your two reasons for choosing that particular failure into two seperate paragraphs. I hope this makes sense. Also, don't use the words "would", "should", and "could" so many times. Do all of these things, and you should get a 10-12. Print legibally, too.</p>