What were the expectations in prior summers or in high school? Did he have a job, did he have chores around the house, did he have a social life with his siblings or old friends? Was he expected to attend family functions like a memorial day picnic or a day with grandparents?
He’s getting older and shouldn’t be expected to do everything as he used to, but a few ‘traditional’ family things should be on his list. He should have input on which things.
I’ve had 2 friends lose a child to violence by a boyfriend. In the first the daughter was very close to her parents, still lived at home, but was keeping the relationship a secret. In the second, just last month, the girl was very close to her parents and had just moved out but lived nearby. It was a relationship of several years and the parents were nice to the BF but didn’t encourage the relationship. We suspect she was trying to break up with him. Things can get out of hand very quickly.
Every family is different and two weeks is too soon to start panicking, but I have to agree with @Publisher. The only thing different between this and any other case of a lovesick teenager stuck at home, is that the person in question isn’t actually a teenager, but a twenty year-old man who has some catching up to do emotionally. The OP says neither of his siblings went through a similar rite of passage to which I can only advise thanking your lucky stars. Thousands of people drop out of school every year because they fall head over heels in love.
I can only offer my perspective from the other side. My husband and I “dated” when we were kids, but then found our way back to each other for real at around 18. My husband’s mother didn’t approve of me (never had) or our relationship (still trying to get him to divorce me) and told him it was drop me or move out of her house. So, he asked to move in with me and I agreed (we had known each other a very long time at that point). He basically totally changed his relationship with him mom after that. She, to this day- and we are going on 22 years- blames me for the shift in their relationship, without ever realizing that she pushed him away and never had the right to dictate his relationship with me in the first place. All I did was say yes when he asked to live with me (I’d lived on my own since I was 16). She said he was obsessed with me and left her and cut her off- but from his perspective he was growing up and living his life that was not centered around her.
I realize this is slightly different, but I also am not sure that forcing your son to spend time with you is going to garner the result you want. I also don’t assume that the gf is abusive like some have suggested. Tell your son he has to do whatever the norm in your family is in terms of contributing to the house, whether that’s chores or picking up groceries sometimes, but I’m not sure that anyone owes anyone their hanging out time. It seems he’s in a stage where forcing this issue is going to do longer term damage to your relationship. Just my two cents.
I was thinking about this last night (weird, I know) but I can kind of relate to your teenage son. I wasn’t an anxious or introverted kid, but when I fell, I fell hard and fast and it was 24/7 about that relationship at that moment. AND I was a total a-hole to my family at that age, in love or not. My parents put up with my BS, but if they had given me a hard time about it, I totally would’ve packed my bags and left (which I did at 21). Since then obviously I’ve grown up and luckily my parents didn’t disown me, so I’ve been able to apologize to them profusely for my terrible behaviour. My point is, as a parent, I instinctively agreed with @Lindagaf’s advice, but after thinking about it, I think @Publisher has it 100% right. As hard as it may be, have faith that he’ll come around, just give him some time and space. Best of luck!
So we had a surprise last evening and he came out of his room and was talkative and sat in family room after dinner etc. We were so excited things were getting better and then boom. He asks “can I make the 7 hour drive to see her this weekend….”
Talk about buttering us up We told him we hope this isn’t why he was more engaging today. He said it wasn’t. Ya right. Anyway. No way to really stop him from going to see her and it ending well so now I just pray for his safety and well being.
If he realizes he’s not having to choose between her and you, I think things will naturally improve. I suspect if he feels he has to choose, you’re not currently at the top of his list.
I think it sounds good. He is still head over heels but can now see other people again. When he can integrate these parts of his life, it will be better.
I have been following this thread with interest, I think many of us old, married folks have forgotten how it feels to be in love, especially how it feels during a first love. It is intense. It is like a form of insanity. It is scary but also wonderful. These feelings are normal and young people have to go thru this. Lord knows I have been seen this with my sons! Son1 is very romantic and has been gobsmacked by love. Most of his choices have been good, but one girl was mean (when he was fifteen) and one was a femme fatale (in college). He has had disappointments and has had his heart broken. It hurts me to watch. But hey, I remember crying myself to sleep over men. It is part of being human. I wish you the best.
Thank you! And I agree we often forget what it’s like to be young and in love. I dropped my friends and deprioritized family just like he has so I totally get it. Very much regret that and hope we can continue to share those sorts of things with him so he can learn from our mistakes.
Maybe now that he knows we didn’t prevent him from going to see her he can be a little more open to connecting with us when he gets back. I hope so. Right now we very much are not his priority. I know our relationship will continue to change but I do hope he works toward some balance because right now it is 110% girlfriend.
Well, judging by the child’s actions, I would say he is the one trying to wreck the relationship. Relationships, as my mother always says, “is a two-way street”. Obviously, @Mom481 has tried her absolute hardest to get her child to be part of the family. She has done nothing wrong and frankly, I think @Lindagaf has a stellar strategy.
Kids don’t know enough (haven’t experienced enough in life) to try to wreck relationships. They only do what feels right to them at the time. It takes laps around the sun to start to understand humans, esp those wired differently than you (generic you).
Yeah. In truth, I have about the least amount of expertise (if you just take a quick peek at the little green number in the corner of my profile image.)
But honestly, a 20 year old should know by now to respect their parents for all the hard work those parents put into their success. Tossing them to the side does not show the respect and love that should be apparent.
Although after reading the remainder of the thread, it does seem that the situation is improving. Best of luck to you @Mom481!!
It’s not the job of a 20 year old “child” to be “part of the family”. He is a man, navigating his first job and his first relationship and outgrowing his childhood home. It’s now about mutual respect between grownups. In fact, holing up in your room the way he is doing is teenage behaviour and maybe it would help if the OP made it more clear to him that this is as much about helping him grow into an independent adult, having to navigate all the important relationships and duties in his life and not just about her and his siblings’ comfort.
It would be taken better if someone else could tell him that though, not the parents.
Even throughout high school, I (as a teacher) often have more of an influence over kids than parents do when it comes to teaching “life lessons.” Kids at that age are starting to break away from their parents - it’s a natural step of life. Parents aren’t usually used to changing their tactics to match the age. Some, on both sides, instinctively get it. Most can use guidance, and that guidance is often received better if it comes from someone trusted who can explain things nicely. I rarely get the “parent” side of that, but commonly get the “kid” side of it.
Don’t worry parents… I’m almost always on your side, and when it’s not it’s due to something like a parent’s belief that daughters shouldn’t go to college. Even then, I try to keep peace within the family while also trying to help a soon-to-be adult daughter see her options.
This isn’t about my and my other kids “comfort”. As I said in previous posts I can handle this situation and losing the relationship with him for some period of time or a long time. If he choses to destroy relationships with siblings they will also survive and maybe they learn from his mistakes. These things aren’t the point. His behavior is not normal. It’s unhealthy and I know my kid well enough to see how this is raising his anxiety and ocd like behaviors. It’s about shutting out every single thing in life except for the girlfriend. Dropping all hobbies, all friends, barely being able to work during the day because of the constant texting etc. If this was an adult “friend” I’d have the same concerns for their mental well being.
We told him we hope this isn’t why he was more engaging today. He said it wasn’t. Ya right. Anyway. No way to really stop him from going to see her and it ending well so now I just pray for his safety and well being.