@sevmom, another pandemic MOG here and I can tell you that this is a very supportive group, no one seems bored yet with my ongoing wedding saga (over a year now!)…at least not that I can tell!!
I’m so sorry about your disappointment and I understand completely. I, too, admire your willingness to roll with the decisions made by your S and FDIL, these are turbulent times for everyone involved. I just spoke to my S today about their plans for video or zoom at their downsized wedding on 8/8. Her parents and I are lucky enough to live close to where the kids live so we can all be at the wedding in our yard but her grandparents are in Florida and there are aunts and uncles all over the place.
Today’s project for me is figuring out how to disguise the very ugly chain link fence that is now so obvious because my neighbors took out all their trees right before the pandemic hit and our town’s very particular permitting standards do not allow replacement without a permit and those are currently on hold due to COVID. Phew. I purchased many feet of the least expensive faux ivy vines and I will spend tomorrow attaching enough of them to see how it looks and deciding how much more I need. And then I will continue doing the “make the weather perfect dance”! Four months after what was supposed to be their wedding date we are now 10 days away from Plan B.
I got the 3rd (?) invite today for my goddaughter’s “wedding” - the original invite for the early May wedding, the 2nd being the announcement of the new date (Aug 22) and today the 3rd to RSVP for the Aug 22 events.
I declined the Friday golf and luncheon event (really!!! ADD events during COVID?!) and declined the reception - I just can’t go to an inside event with potentially 100-200 people. My H would be livid (he is pretty COVID frightened) and I need to not take risks so I can see my 87 year old mother. I will attend the church ceremony - I feel I can control that a bit more. People will be more still and not interacting. I have to say I will not look forward to it though…it’s all quite awkward!
@abasket This is exactly why son and FDIL are not setting a date for a big wedding,or putting down money to save a date in the future right now. They want to give it more time to see how things unfold and want to feel confident that the people they want there can gather safely. It is no doubt harder to pivot when firm plans had already been made before all this hit.
@abasket IIRC, you live in a state which now allows up to 300 for events like weddings…indoors. But at the same time, there are some spikes in your state which are of concern.
At this point, it’s not so much what is allowed, but rather whether people feel comfortable flying, staying in hotels and attending a large indoor event. The wedding we were supposed to attend in CO complied with what CO allowed, but the guests were coming from all over the country…and apparently the vast majority didn’t feel comfortable with the plans for this August.
I find this thread refreshing. Sure, there are disappointments and rescheduling, etc. But most folks are making lemonade out of rotten lemons. The joy in these redone plans shines through.
@thumper1 you are correct about Ohio’s event rules of 300 (ridiculous!) Interesting though that Michigan - whose border is literally 20 minutes away from our town announced yesterday that this weekend they are going back to no gatherings with more than 10 people. I do not support Ohio’s current rules!
And of course - as we surely have told our kids when they were younger - and when they were older, “just because you can doesn’t mean you should”.
I love this thread which keeps me coming back to read even though there is not a family wedding on our plate currently!
I just took a walk with a good friend who I hadn’t seen yet since returning to town on Monday night. She was funny- she was “offended” and “hurt” FOR me that we were not being invited to the small wedding, especially since they will have an officiant, who is a friend of theirs, and will have a few other friends there ( as opposed to just running off to the justice of the peace). She does not see why we are being excluded just because the bride’s family can’t be there.
She thinks we should just drive up there and crash the wedding! I’m not about to do that but it was good to at least be able to talk about it and feel that my feelings of being disappointed and sad are not crazy. I think she’s angrier about it than I am! :). I’m more sad than angry about the whole thing.
@sevmom think how sad you would be if the bride’s parents were able to attend…and you were not able to attend. If you look at it from that perspective, it’s understandable that they don’t want either family to feel the other has some priority.
You will have your celebration with them, and even now you can share their joy at getting married even if you aren’t there.
@thumper As I said earlier, if it were reversed, I would be sad to not be able to attend but would not want the bride’s family to not be able to attend just because we couldn’t. Some of it is just simple logistics as to who can travel right now. Thank you for your perspective. I am definitely happy for them , that they will be married . The bride and I were just emailing this morning about venues. There is no problem between us and I intend to keep it that way!
@sevmom -feel sad for you. I get why they are opting for this though. My only push back would be on zoom or some kind of video call - at least, you and the bride’s parents could watch it that way.
Friend’s son got married a couple of weeks ago - spontaneous wedding at the lake where his wife’s parents have a house. Only parents at the wedding. All of them in casual clothes - he wore shorts, she had a dress on and carried a small bouquet of flowers. They promised us a celebration later on, when things are better!
Add me to the chorus of people who are offended and hurt for you @sevmom. I’m not sad, I’m angry about this. I have one rule that I’ve told my kids about their wedding. That I be there.
You are a much bigger person than I am.
And if I was the mother of the bride, I would wear a hazmat suit, a gas mask and pee in adult diapers in order to be there.
I asked about zoom but they just don’t want to do it. They’ve been to 2 zoom weddings and just did not enjoy them and felt they were awkward. I didn’t push it and we went on to talking about other things. Oh well. They will have a videographer so we will eventually see the wedding. Strangers walking by on the streets of DC will get to see them marry before we do!
I think you have such a great opportunity to win the couple’s trust and goodwill for a long time, by continuing to be a good sport and not adding to the disappointment that 2020 has brought. Get dressed up, buy expensive champagne, get flowers for your own house, candlelight dinner and dance with your spouse. Take photos, send them, celebrate. They may still find a way to include you in the moment, virtually, and I have to admit that as the parents who are far away, I could empathize with a desire to include both sets of parents or none. (But hard ! Hugs to OP)
@momoffour I realized I did not answer your question about excluding parents. The gist of it seems to be that if not all parents can be there, they (fiancee)want the main event in 2022 to be the big event. The bride termed the October wedding as just a pre wedding type of thing before the main event in 2022. . There will be a friend officiant, rings and vows exchanged, in October, 10-15 of their local friends. . They are minimizing the October wedding but sounds like a wedding to me, but what do I know. Also, concerns about 60 + folks like us and virus. The bride is a sweet person so I was taken by surprise.
My son on Sunday asked me 3 times if I was okay with not being there in October. I told him I was disappointed but what can I do. I am emotional but didn’t even cry all day because I was so surprised by this. He even asked me as we were getting into our cars if I was okay with this, and I said we are in driving distance and could come. His fiancee overheard this and said again that she would be too sad to not have all her family also there. I will also be sad to not see my son marry.
We are not at all estranged, so it is a little confusing. Some people responding get what they are doing with excluding us and mention the perspective of the other parents. I will get over it but I am sad. I couldn’t even cry at first on Sunday because I was just a little shocked . It is hitting me more lately so I thank you for your support.
@sevmom You are being understanding and wonderful…but your son has given you a couple of openings…maybe ask if a friend could just zoom in the two sets of parents on their phone…they can do it fairly easily with the parents on mute (different than doing a whole zoom wedding)…just so you can watch and share the experience a bit…if they say no then I would also let it be.
@sevmom, I understand the bride wants both parents there. Do you know how her parents feel about missing it?
One of mine was engaged and vague about the date. I expected one day to get a phone call with a ‘guess what we did today’ message, but instead the message was ‘we split up today’. I’d have been sad to miss the vows if they had chosen to carry on with out us, so I am sympathetic to your feelings.
I would answer your son honestly if he asks again, and tell him yes, I’m sad to miss this milestone especially in this day of Zoom, but I love you both and will get over it.
Now I’ll probably get slammed for this, but I think the bride/groom calling this a ‘pre-wedding’ and the big party in 2022 the ‘real one’ is silly and wrong. This small DC event is when they will be officially married, vows witnessed by friends, contract signed. It’s the real wedding. The party in 2022 is just that, a party. I’d keep my mouth shut regarding this feeling, and I’d smile and have a good time at the party, but I probably wouldn’t enjoy it as much knowing they’d been married over a year at that point.
@sevmom, I thought they were just engaged in February? If there wasn’t a pandemic, they probably would not be ready for a wedding 6 months later. It’s a very tight timeline.
What I don’t understand is why the hurry? Why can’t they at least wait for one year after engagement to see if her parents can make it for a family only wedding.
I am sorry, I am upset for you. I would not be ok with friends there and not the parents. What are her parents thoughts on this hasty wedding timeline?
I remember this happening on “Say Yes to the Dress” and Randy was appalled that the bride was having friends but not her parents come to her wedding in Italy. The MOB was begging the bride to attend. It made quite the impression on me.
I think if your son questioned you so many times, I wonder how comfortable he is with this? How close is the bride to her parents? Maybe the other parents aren’t that involved and this is her way of avoiding something.
Sorry, but I’ve been thinking about your predicament and it really bothers me. If you are ok with this, then that’s ok too. I know I wouldn’t be. And I don’t have a lot of opinions about my kids weddings.
@momoffour To be fair, they are definitely considering the small October wedding a legal ceremony and are happy about it. We are happy too! They want to call each other husband and wife! Pre wedding was not the best choice of words( not theirs but I don’t want to get more specific as they have their own cute term for it. They are a great match. We were supposed to meet the dad and step mom before this but all was off because of the pandemic. They are physicians, the surgeon step mom was exposed to Covid just last week and FDIL does not want them getting on a plane. And they are also concerned about their patients, so I get that. They are also over 60, like us. It will work out , just not as I ever imagined.
@sevmom, these are difficult times. Believe me, I understand both your shock at hearing that they intended to be married without you present (but with friends there) and your decision to put your feelings aside and support their plan despite your total disappointment and sadness. I’ve written this post three times because I don’t really think what I have to say will help you feel any better about this.
Prior to March, I would have been devastated if my S told me he planned to be married without me present. But, after their carefully planned 3/21 200 person wedding was cancelled because of Covid, and then their hastily planned 20 person Plan B was cancelled when the gathering limit was reduced to 10 people three days later, I realized that what mattered most was their desire to be married and I vowed to be okay with whatever they decided to do.
I’m sure it hurts in that way that comes from sadness rather than anger but I applaud your instincts to protect your longterm relationship with your S and FDIL. While I read your S’s repeated questioning as evidence that he knows how much this means to you, I suspect he is trying to balance that with his desire to support his fiancée. Like I said, these are difficult times. {{hugs}}
