<p>I’ll gladly read other essays if anyone will read mine? I’ll post it if someone would be willing to read.</p>
<p>@9jagurl96:
- I strongly suggest avoiding saying something like “this, this, and this clearly demonstrates this assertion.” It’s more elementary and this can be easily fixed to get a higher score. You get right into the topic, which is different but still sufficient, but the way you sentenced it makes it not as good as it should be. Also perhaps for your thesis you wanna cut down on the descriptions since you will be saying them later on in your paragraphs. </p>
<p>So instead of saying this: “Common sense should be questioned because common sense is usually composed of the orthodox beliefs with which we grew up and sometimes may even be based on prejudice. Joan of Arc in the fifteenth century, Aristotle in 346 B.C.E, and Nelson Mandela in the twentieth century…” </p>
<p>You can say something like: “Common sense should be questioned because common sense is usually composed of the orthodox beliefs with which we grew up and sometimes may even be based on prejudice. Joan of Arc, Aristotle, and Nelson Mandela are all people who have ignored the provincial common sense that have so powerfully cultivated their minds, and because they refused to give in and surrender to the common sense, they are now regarded as some of the greatest heroes in history.”</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Your Joan of Arc example was a little bit confusing. Perhaps it’s just me but just to let you know, I didn’t really get how Joan of Arc ignored her common sense and saved her people until I reread that paragraph like 3 times. Scorers don’t have the time that I have since they are only given a few minutes to read yours so just be careful that you clearly show how your example links to your thesis. </p></li>
<li><p>I liked your Aristotle example; however, you worded it in such a way that Aristotle hypothesized that the world was flat. Once again, be careful of how you word things bcuz it can cause confusion.</p></li>
<li><p>Your president of South Africa was best. Well written, clearly linked to your thesis, and was very easy to understand how your example fit the thesis.</p></li>
<li><p>You need to work on your conclusion a little bit. Conclusions are weak if you just restate your thesis in a different form. One method of writing an outstanding conclusion is by showing why exactly is your thesis/essay important. Another is a call to action. There are a few more but I don’t remember them. However, if you use these methods it will leave the scorer briefly impressed, which is all you need to get a good score. ;)</p></li>
</ol>