<p>This is a new experience for us, as older child was perfectly happy with Bs. Our younger one is taking almost a full roster of honors courses and is, probably for the first time, being challenged academically. He earned As and Bs during the first marking period. We are very pleased with him. He's a diligent worker. Our concern is that he gets very upset if he doesn't do well on one thing (or thinks he hasn't done well) and calls himself stupid. He is so hard on himself. This negative self-talk bothers us because he knows he is not stupid. How will he survive the next few years, especially when AP classes come into the picture??? Is this just a reaction to the transition to high school? Should we be seriously concerned? We don't want him to have a new breakdown every week.</p>
<p>I would stress to him that intelligence includes challenging himself to learn what he doesn’t already know, which will necessarily entail occasionally being wrong and making mistakes. Only a fool knows everything; the wise man understands how much he doesn’t know and makes progress toward augmenting his understanding. In addition, point out that intelligence is also defined by the ability to profit from one’s errors. Encourage him to assess all the reasons why he did not do as well as he had wanted to. Did he not study enough? Did he wait too long to study? Did he work hard but not work smart? For example, did he focus on the wrong things because he failed to understand the teacher’s learning priorities? Suggest he pay closer attention to the teacher’s tone and nuance for clues about the content of upcoming tests. Did he actually do well relative to that particular class and its expectations and is just not being fair to himself? For example, did he get a B+ in a class in which no one else earned higher than a ordinary B, hence he did actually excel? </p>
<p>We told our kids growing up that if they didn’t experience rejection, failure, etc. a couple of times a month it meant they weren’t reaching high enough. And we were very honest with them about our own mess-ups- an important presentation at work that didn’t go well; a speed bump on a project which brought down the wrath of management, etc. It’s not enough to tell them that it’s ok to get B’s- you have to model it as well by showing them that your boss can tell you “this report stinks” and then you go back and revise it and somehow the world keeps spinning and dinner gets on the table.</p>
<p>On balance, the kids got the message. With one- we had to also remind him, “it’s ok to work hard” since he was an “easy way out” kind of personality. And we didn’t want to encourage sailing through life, satisfied with mediocrity. But since your son already has high goals for himself and is a diligent worker, trying to change the channel and talking about failure as being the sign that one is challenging oneself to do difficult stuff is a good way to go.</p>
<p>I was concerned when D. was doing homework for longer hours that I would like. She did not call herself names, but she would write and re-write English papers forever. I would command her to stop, put it away and go visit her friends or whatever.
I saw her doing only Englsih and History while in HS, she seem to be doing the rest at school. But these 2 were a drag, hours upon hours forever…while she is a very strong writer, the skill that has served her very well in college and even Med. School.
Well, she always had a goal of all As which has been achieved all thru graduation from college.
I believe that tons of ECs had positive effect on her, calming her down. She always had lots (based on others’ comments), in all k - 12 and UG and managed to load up as much as she could in Med. School
Yes, I would command the kid to stop calling himself names,…believe, there are plenty of others who will try to put him down later in his life (based on D’s experience), there is no reason for doing it to yourself. Opposite, he needs to develop a self-defense technique when others put him down, but boys are usually not as sensitive as girls about it, my D. went thru rough time with few incidents, I never had to deal with it with my S.</p>
<p>If this continues, I would suggest you find a good counselor to help your son accept that he doesn’t need to be perfect…and to help your family deal with this issue as well.</p>
<p>Sometimes someone listening with an outside perspective is what is needed. </p>
<p>No student should be beating themselves up about grades…ever. Sure…set high standards…but there is a difference.</p>
<p>Model the behavior you want from him. When he says it’s a disaster and he’s stupid, look puzzled and say, huh, I thought that was really good work, and I would be proud of it. Tell him you don’t want him to use the word stupid. Tell him if we all learned everything the first time, school would only be a year long! Just don’t invest yourself in his drama. Keep calm and send the same message: you are overreacting unnecessarily, everything is fine. His panic response needs some boundaries, which are for you to set. For students accustomed to really great grades, Bs and Cs can be alarming. He’ll adjust.</p>
<p>I don’t think a counselor is necessary, but ymmv. There’s a healthy interest in excellence, and then there’s an unhealthy fixation on perfection. Only you can tell whether his perfectionism is interfering with the rest of his life, his health, his participation in other things, but those would be my measurements. </p>
<p>I always told my daughter, who has always gone to a pricy school - “if you were smart enough to always get A’s on everything, why would I continue paying all this money for them to teach you”. I totally agree, a “bad” grade every now and then is a humbling, learning experience. I know with our kids on CC, that “bad” grade may be a B. But for them, an eye opener.</p>
<p>I agree it’s probably not necessary to get a counselor at this time. The kid wants to do better, and he’ll likely figure out a way, through trial and error – and effort! If there’s a way for him to understand that it’s the learning, not the grades that are the goal of education, but that with good learning good grades will generally follow, that’s the attitude I wanted in my kids. If this kid already sees the connection between his effort and efficient allocation of his time and the learning that he achieves, that’s good.</p>
<p>In short, don’t panic. His attitude toward his academic achievement is no different from what a competitive athlete or an artist would have: keep working, practicing, trying new things, getting better. In all of these endeavors sometimes the person will fail to win, but work and practice will lead to improvement. </p>
<p>Personally I would be very happy with the focus that this kid seems to be taking, especially if he realizes that there are some subjects that he just may not have the aptitude to excel in (or that require extra effort for him) and that he will make his mark in other areas.</p>
<p>An assumption I’ve made above is that perfect grades themselves aren’t the only or even primary goal, as opposed to using grades as a measure of accomplishment and ability in a subject or discipline. If he takes an art course but has only modest talent in art, does he expect an A for effort and improvement, as opposed to achievement? I don’t think he should expect it, even if a B might “ruin” a perfect GPA. The goal of such a course is to become better in the subject, perhaps as good as he can be. But he may not measure up to the achievement of somebody who has special talent in that area. If so, he’s learned something useful about himself.</p>
<p>I would have a talk with him about why he is so hard on himself. Is he afraid not able to get into a college of choice? Is his crowd too competitive?</p>
<p>But saying that bad grade is Ok, you actually dummy a kid down, because it is implying that you do not believe that he is capable of straight A’s. It sounds like he believes that he is capapble of all As. He just needs to find a way to relax, be away from academics for hours every day. And if it is a TV, I do not think it works as well as being with friends doing something that has nothing to do with academics. I never ever told my D. that a bad grade is OK. I imagine that she would feel so downgraded, she might have feel bad about me. I told her complete opposite, I said that the academics at school are very low level and if she wants all As, then all she needs to do is to complete her homework on time and correctly. I told her that when she was 5 y o and there was no need to repeat it ever. But I told her many times to stop doing her homework when I felt that she went over board. And she was in sport, palyed piano and took private art lessons, was a school newspaper editor, so she spend good amount of time away from academics and it has worked.</p>
<p>Organize study groups for your child and help by making them fun with activities. Very soon the focus will change from individual performances to what the “group” did. A good group will also shave the peaks and valleys away. </p>
<p>Sorry Miami, there are some very rigorous schools in America where getting a B is perfectly acceptable. One of my kids had difficulty with foreign languages- a concept that I suspect you are familiar with. He had a choice of being in the top honors level- surrounded by kids who were mostly gifted in languages whereas he was not- and working hard to get a B or B minus. Or he could have dropped down a level or two and gotten A’s with minimal effort. He decided to challenge himself and stay at the top level. We never dummied him down because he wasn’t getting straight A’s- he worked hard, he challenged himself, he just didn’t have the ear for languages that the other kids in the class did.</p>
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<p>And there are classes where getting an A is a real accomplishment. Some of this can be due to the contents and some can be due to the particular grading scale used by a teacher. There are teachers in Chemistry, Calculus, or Literature who simply believe no high schooler has sufficient mastery of the subject to warrant an A or the equivalent score. Obviously, next to such teachers, you have plenty of classes where turning your HW on time and bringing a couple of apples will get you that proverbial A. There are simply no standards that work for everyone! What might be true in a public HS in Florida or South Carolina has little to do with what happens at Exeter, or at countless private schools! And this in the good, the bad, and the ugly! </p>
<p>Fwiw, not everyone should find it necessary to have “all As” and be expected to earn such grade to please him or herself, or even worse, to please demanding parents. Grades are just part of the equation. There is a great value of “being all you can” be, and that does not mean that life is all about grades on the way to a “top” college. </p>
<p>Well, my D. had difficulty with History. She just spent more time on it than in other classes’ hoemwork. No calling herself names or any other self-distructing behavior. She needed an A and she got it. I was a college class that she took while in HS. Her goal was to avoid taking History in college, it was achieved. There is no need to go to extremes, there is no need to having goals of all As, but some kids do. And as a parent, we should respect their goals and support instead of saying, no it is a wrong goal, forget it, you are not capable of it. And, yes, my D. went to the most regorous privvate school in our area with some kids driving from another state on a daily basis. It does not mean that kid should not go for the stars, but the problem is when they engage in self-destractimg behavior.<br>
Again, if they do not learn to adjust to a higher requirments, forget about success at college. This is not even my comment, this is a comment of my D.She said that even among valedictorians, those who did not realize that college academics require a huge adjustment on their part, get derailed from their original goal. Again, no need to call yourself names, jsut realize that you need to work harder, that is all. I am not talking about any type of Ivy / Elite college, D. went to in-state public UG where she realized that she has to work much much harder than at her supposedly very rigorous HS. And again, having goal of all As is very doable. In fact, some have to have this goal or they would not be able to go on to where they want to be. And they are very well aware of it, sorry, but they are killing the curves. So, if you are not this type (which is fine, just not your goal), do not take the same classes in college as pre-meds. </p>
<p>^
I am not really sure what is the relevance of your post to the OP or what your point actually is, if there is one beyond reminding us of the greatness of your daughter. </p>
<p>There is no universal path to success as kids are individuals with different aptitudes and objectives. For some kids, getting all As is a walk in the park. Others have to work very hard at it. Which of those two “attributes” leads to success in college and in life is entirely in the eye of the beholder and up to the individual. </p>
<p>For many, the key is to find the right balance. Talk about a cliché! </p>
<p>I took classes in college with pre-meds. Some of them were brilliant; some of them were good at memorizing facts but not much else; some of them were just like the rest of us. Someone who is good at memorizing facts is not going to do well in courses requiring a high level of creativity or nuanced analysis; someone who is good at the creative analysis is likely not going to do well in a course with a tremendous amount of material to memorize.</p>
<p>And some kids like to challenge themselves by taking classes where they know they won’t get an A. Graduate level, unfamiliar material, courses that really prod them to go outside their comfort level. Maybe a pre-med taking a very rigorous college level history class, for example.</p>
<p>“if she wants all As, then all she needs to do is to complete her homework on time and correctly.” There are plenty of kids who complete all homework on time and correctly to the best of their ability and aren’t able to get A’s. I think it’s a little insulting to say it is that easy for everyone and imply that if you aren’t getting an A you must be a slacker. Schools vary, grading policies vary, and individual talents vary.</p>
<p>I try to keep the focus on learning. If my kids get something wrong on a test, I ask, do you understand now how to answer that? And possibly, is there anything you can do to prepare better next time?</p>
<p>Lots of good advice. If he will talk to you, try to figure out why he is so hard on himself. The competition or culture at school? His personality? Is this a new development? If so, what changed?</p>
<p>I agree it is great that he wants to be all he can be, but he needs to not be so hard on himself when he can’t do it all. There are lessons to be learned from trying and falling short. </p>
<p>I really like the idea of modeling the behavior you want to see. Is there something you the parents work really hard at and sometimes you achieve the goal and sometimes not? How do you react? Maybe you train for a road race and don’t run as fast you would like. What do you do? Come home and say you are fat and slow? No! Figure out what went wrong and make changes in your training. </p>
<p>If he were my child, I would applaud his hard work and lofty goals, but remind him that he is loved and valued for more than his grades. With my kids, I have told them I was proud that they were up to taking the risk and hoped they would continue to challenge themselves. </p>
<p>Miami, your daughter would have gotten college credit with a B or even a C in that history course. She didn’t “need” an A to get that credit. </p>
<p>Carry on.</p>
<p>OP sometimes kids take a little time to adjust to the intensity of high school. Let your son know that the grade is not the only measuring stick. We always told our kids that as long as they were giving their best effort the grade does not matter.</p>
<p>Also you can let your son know that some collegersd do not consider freshman grades and some give less weight to freshman grades.</p>
<p>Furthermore some kids are fine after they adjust to high school. For example my son, who took all honors and AP classes for all 4 years of HS, didn’t perform to his standards for his first semester. He received 3 Bs his first semester. He then adjusted, got good grades the rest of the way and noww attends an ivy league school. </p>