How can I help my son do better in school?

Parents Forum
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<p>Hello everybody. I am new to this website and hope to get some advice.</p>

<p>My son used to do very well in school. He got straight A's through 9th grade. In 10th grade his grades dipped slightly but he still had a 3.95 GPA. However in his junior year he got around a 3.3 GPA. We tried almost everything-had him talk to the counselor, gave him incentives, grounded him. Now in his senior year he is getting a 3.0 GPA and his overall GPA is 3.5. His counselor thinks he has ADHD but I am skeptical because he can pick up a book and read for hours. </p>

<p>He does all his homework and studies for tests. And he should be able do well in school-he got a 35 on the ACT and is a national merit finalist. But for some reason he makes many small mistakes and gets B's in classes. I am very worried about him in college because college is so much harder than high school, and he lacks motivation. He is just going through the motions. His father is already very upset with him for "throwing away" a chance at an top-ranked school. </p>

<p>I guess my question is simple. Was any parent on this website in a similar position and if so, how did you help your child do better in school?</p>

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<p>This absolutely doesn’t mean he can’t have ADHD. My ADHD son reads and reads in the evenings when his meds have worn off (and he read a lot before being diagnosed as well).</p>

<p>Especially if he’s motivated and working hard in school and having trouble reaching his potential, have him tested for ADHD and or other learning differences. You may find something that can be remediated and understanding his learning issues, if he has any, will be invaluable when he gets to college.</p>

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<p>Hyperfocus is an aspect of ADHD where the person can focus intently on something that interests them.</p>

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<p>From your description it sounds like you are deeply involved in analyzing how your son is doing at school (homework, studying, exam results), that you’re upset with your son, and that your son is under a great deal of pressure at home to perform. This is not the recipe for improved motivation. Perhaps you should step back.</p>

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<p>Absolutely agree with BCEagle that hyperfocus is a strong marker of the more adult version of ADD. (Doesn’t have the same possible hyperactive chars.) Many very bright people are affected by this. Many find their own ways to overcome- they often wind up in pursuits/careers that need the ability to hyperfocus. They learn how to organize on an ongoing basis. But, for teens who can’t get a grip on it, testing is valuable. My dau, btw, performed her absolute best when her schedule was crazy overloaded. </p>

<p>It’s not a motivation problem. It’s not a character flaw. And, it’s not a dread disease. But, one needs to learn ways around it, to lead a happy, productive and somewhat organized life- and not drive others nuts. Good luck.</p>

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<p>fogcity-That is a good point. This year I have tried to be positive about school, encouraging him to do his homework, but that is the end of my involvement. I am trying to let him make his own decisions. I agree that too much pressure is toxic. </p>

<p>lookingforward-I felt that more structure would be good for him-he has a lot of free time-but I didn’t want to push him to do stuff he wasn’t motivated to do on his own.</p>

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<p>As a parent, it would be a red flag if my child’s grades were significantly from one year to another. It could be some sort of LD or mental issue, they should be explored and fixed. Why shouldn’t parents be deeply involved or concerned if their child start acting out of norm, may it be academic or behavior?</p>

<p>One of D1’s friend was a good student in HS, good enough to get into her college’s engineering school. Through out college, he studied hard, but was only able to maintain average GPA. He mentioned few times to his mother that he thought he may have ADHD (I think that’s what it is). His mother, even as a special ed teacher for LD, told him that it wasn’t possible because he was doing fine in school. He finally took the initiative himself (with encouragement from D1) to get checked out, and the doctor confirmed it. Luckily, he has a job upon graduation even with low GPA. But he is concerned about applying to business school someday. He wish he had gone to a doctor earlier. He was losing confidence in his ability to perform in school, and he was concerned if he was going to be able to do well at his new job too.</p>

<p>There could be a very simple explanation about the son’s GPA trend…courses could just be getting harder, and he could be in over his head, maybe he should be taking easier classes (at least for some subjects).</p>

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<p>What does he say about it? How does he feel about college? Maybe this is his way of rebelling against expectations?</p>

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<p>He is a senior. A 3.5 cumulative GPA is respectable. He has not totally checked out on academics and he is still being responsible (he’s not getting Ds and Fs). Maybe he is just tired. Maybe he doesn’t care about going to a “top” school (i.e. that’s your husband’s dream and not his). I wonder whether you are seeing/creating a problem where none really exists.</p>

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<p>Sometimes I think that is the case NJSue, I think of it as the teenage version of toddler rebellion…if you needed to rush or hurry they would rebel by walking slower and slower as their way of telling you to slow down and let them go at their own pace. I remember being exasperated with my little boys then and exasperated with my “big boys” as late teenagers when they just wouldn’t do as well as “I” expected or wouldn’t study as long as “I” wanted. There could be no problem other than a teenager attempting to tell you to let them manage their own expectations.</p>

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<p>As a mom of 3 boys and a teacher, I see this quite often. Whether or not he is dx’d as having ADHD, I think the biggest issue here is that he’s a 17 year old guy in his senior year. It’s exhausting to maintain and keep up the enthusiasm for school when this side of school is ending soon. I also think guys struggle with these factors more than girls because they tend to be less patient and start to put in less effort over the long run.</p>

<p>What you are asking is: how can I help my son keep up his grades to the level that he could achieve? He’s capable of achieving all As, but probably getting mostly Bs instead. What’s the difference? It’s the push to “do even more”, to look even more spectacular. Obviously he knows the material, but he’s not distinguishing himself to the teachers as an A+ student.</p>

<p>It doesn’t help to get angry about this. Helping to understand what’s going on may be more successful. You might want to reassure him that he’s doing well (enough), but that even though HS is winding down, he needs to keep his grades up while the jury is still out. (That is while he’s waiting to hear from colleges.)</p>

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<p>I prefer to think of the boys as pluggers…in a good way. As I think of my oldest who is graduating this spring…he was a B+ high school student (could have been an always A). He’s a B+ colleges student (who knows if he could have been all As) he’s a type B person, nothing much bothers him. He meets his own personal goals as low as they seem to me at times. He’s a steady Eddie so to speak. He’s graduating in 4 years. Good for him. I’ve quit worrying about him. He will achieve whatever level of success he sets for himself I have no doubts about that. The world needs steady people as much as they need hyper over achievers. I have one of those, too, and they are equally as exasperating. Love the kids on the couch is a favorite CC expression and it’s a good one.</p>

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<p>What’s of concern is not the GPA, it is the downward trend. If the son has been doing his best and his grades are still going down, then it could be demoralizing to him. If the cause is due to LD, then it is best to address it before he goes off to college. If he is slacking off, then you may want to figure out if he is ready to go off to college before you waste all that money.</p>

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<p>What does he do besides studying? I find tht when my DS is between plays or sports, his grades slack a bit along with his energy level. It could be that he is not fully motivated (sometimes hard for a normal teenage boy) and that he is not yet ready for the increased pressure. the classes are harder each year, and he could also have poor study skills. Lots o kids that are “bored” put off assignments, or don’t put their heart into all the homework. After ruling out medical reasons, I think an honest talk-not interrogation or punishment-may be in order. His future may seem very far off right now.</p>

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<p>You have to separate the fact that Dad may be pushing from what’s going on with son. Of course, you can lean back and let him settle where he will. The original question was how do you help him? Senior year is the worst time in any college-bound kid’s life- the hardest challenge they ever faced. It’s hard to come to the end of 12 years of “doing right” with the same school, teachers, friends, neighborhoods- and prepare to go off into the unknown. Dads, teachers, friends talk about the big opportunities out there. The kid is no longer looking at this semester’s work, this years’s challenges, the next big game, but a four-year plan, definite decisions about a college, a major and a possible career. </p>

<p>Many kids don’t know how to grapple with this transition- even how to express it. For some, the only thing they know is to slow down. For kids who’ve previously been highly capable, you want to make sure that, if there’s just some proverbial screw that needs tightening, you attend to it. Sometimes, it’s as simple as having a few careful, respectful heart-to-hearts, very casual, no pressure, very subtle. My older dau needed to hear that, despite the new independence, she was still connected to us, still our kid. D2 had her future goal in mind for so long that she was scared witless that there would be nothing else if she couldn’t hack it. Overwhelmed, she started to shut down. We had to help her understand how to pick herself up if she failed and make alternate choices. All very low-key, little bites, so they could process it. No pep talks, just cover the what-ifs. You take your knowledge of the kid, separate it from your goals, and just offer wise counsel. </p>

<p>Other times, you need an outside perspective. When many kids hit 16-17, with hormones raging and the college tsunami approaching, a wise counselor, one who deals with hs and college-age kids can perform miracles, help take some of the pressure and make it feel manageable. Or, how to view strengths and successes despite small setbacks. And, if there is ADD or some learning issue, they can recommend paths- sometimes as simple as how to restructure the workload.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for the advice. We’re going to try to have some low-pressure chats with him about his plans, encourage him to do what he loves. Hopefully we can remove some of the tension around school and college we’ve built up.</p>

<p>As for his GPA, I know it isn’t that bad. But the fact is he could be doing so much better and if his GPA keeps dropping like it has been he will be getting a 2.5 in college. In any case, I’m going to try to make him feel comfortable with taking a gap year if need be, or adding some more structure to his routine. Hopefully he’ll take the initiative.</p>

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<p>Can I add: sometimes, it needs to be just one parent- the calmer one (or the one who can fake calm better.) And, often it’s good to take the kid away from the usual environment- a chat while walking or in the car. Each kid is different and girls are different than boys, but in our case, I was better at this sort of casual chat with D2. DH tended to focus more on the future- major choices, career thoughts- the things she couldn’t grapple with- perhaps her pressure points. He still played a role- and I kept him updated after each conversation. I’ll pm you.</p>